JANUARY 22nd, 2011 – ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY
DATELINE: TEACHING EM YOUNG TO BOOM-CHAKA-CHAKA – What do you do when you have no plot, no writing and apparently no budget to produce a real crappy show? You have 16-year-olds strip down to almost nothing, snort a few lines, and go down on each other for the camera. You then change the name of it from Child Exploitation and Pornography to Skins and claim it is just portraying an accurate picture of life as a teenager and pulling in the money doing it, because there is nothing that appeals to a whole lot of sick handy-wankers than watching a show with naked kids. I can only imagine how long it will be before this is picked up as a regular staple for Vatican TV, because while the producers of this crap claim it ‘is a show that addresses real-world issues confronting teens in a frank way’, it is going to give total thrilly-chills to asshole pedophiles. It also really doesn’t do a heck of a lot to help parents who actually do try to teach their children that this fucked-up crap is neither glamorous or the right way to be popular, and can fuck up their lives. It’s a bit of a hard sell when the kids used on the show are raking in the cash for doing it.
DATELINE: HANDING OUT THE CRYING TOWELS – Camille Grammer could hardly make it though the season finally of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – imagine my pain at that fucking news. How the hell does this shit even get to be a real television program? Anyways, she cried her way through it, totally brokenhearted over her failed marriage with Kelsey Grammer. You wanna know how to be less humiliated, Camille? Do it like everyone else in the REAL fucking world has to do it, suck it up and quietly get on with the rest of your life. You are not the first person in the world to be married to a bastard, you will not be the last… but seriously honey, you are adding one hell of a lot of fuel to your ex’s fire as to why the hell he ditched you. Show some class… keep the details to yourself, because quite frankly, your melodramatic over-elitist privileged whining is just getting fucking annoying.
DATELINE: HEAVING A HUGE FUCKING SIGH OF RELIEF – You won’t believe it! Madonna and Prince no longer dislike each other!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEE. I have only one question… why the fuck is this considered news? This is kindergarten bullshit. They had a fight, they took some shots at each other in public over the last many years… all of it the result of unrequited love no doubt. I have a great idea for you both… Put it in a fucking song, then record the song, then sell the fucking recordings, then donate the money so that in some way this can have some significance to real fucking shit that is happening in the world. Now, if we can only get Piers Morgan to love Madonna again, so she can be on his new CNN show, the world will be positively perfect! It could be a bit of a tall order though, what with the ‘bread roll throwing incident in London’, the Canes Film Festival ‘involving a photographer and a bodyguard’ and the ‘pub’ incident. Add to that the ‘crime’ of Piers getting scooped on the Madonna pregnancy thing. Piers, sweetheart, it was Madonna the performer who was pregnant, not the real Madonna, so who gives a flying fuck if she was knocked up. ‘A series of crimes’? Give me a fucking break. It would be interesting to see how the hell these fucking idiots would manage with real fucking issues to deal with, especially without the media helping them to play them out. You are not going to find sympathy or understanding here, babies… so all of you should just grow the fuck up.
DATELINE: ROLLING UP THE RED CARPET – Ricky Gervais made some offending comments at the Golden Globes last Sunday? Well, thank Christ, because that means we do not have to go through the endless bullshit of who wore what, who looked like a whore, who spent the most money on their shoes and hair pins. For days after these events we are usually inundated with nothing that has to do with the actual awards, the work done by the actors, writers, producers, but rather who bought the prettiest fucking dress. Well, this time, at least it’s not the dress, but rather the pot shots taken at Charlie Sheen, Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp, Bruce Willis and Robert Downey Jr. Come on, people… you want to live your lives in the spotlight, then put on some big kid pants and suck it up. God knows you make more money than fucking God for what you do, so call this a little bit of the dues you get to pay.
