DAILY NEWS -- FRIDAY JANUARY 14th, 2011

DAILY NEWS -- FRIDAY JANUARY 14th, 2011

DATELINE: STAR GAZING – I have no idea how he will take the news, but Jesus is no longer a Capricorn. With the addition of a thirteenth sign of the zodiac, Ophiuchus, Jesus has been bumped down to Sagittarius, and if nothing else, this totally fucks up the lyrics to the song… not that it was a great song, but holy crap, I am getting tired of this changing words in stories and songs shit this week. This time, the old switcheroo of the words is due to changes in the Earth’s alignment, so I have no idea who the hell you file your complaint with, but there has to be someone. I check my damned horrorscope every day; it nails me to a T, defines me, guides me. Does this mean it has been lying to me all along? Oh, wait… mine didn’t change. I guess they know not to mess with perfection. Ophiuchus is the snake holder – a rather over-muscled dude with an anaconda wrapped around him in a very provocatively phallic manner – how fucking Freudian is that!! If you are an Ophiuchus, you are an interpreter of dreams and have vivid premonitions (that could be the drugs though), attract good luck (have horse shoes up yer ass), have lofty ideals (have your head up yer ass as well) and are a seeker of peace and harmony (and we are full circle back to the drugs). You are a gatherer of people (the size of yer snake might have something to do with this), a seeker of higher education and wisdom (yeah, that’s you… so come to the mountain). You lean towards medicine (told ya, it’s the drugs) and poetry, prefer supervisory tasks (apparently with your head and those horseshoes up there, yer ass has become lazy), want a high position in life (stoner!) and crave fame, but usually don’t achieve that till yer are dead – c’est la vie! Here is the new revised list of who is who when in zodiacal terms.
Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18 - May 13
Taurus: May 13 - June 21
Gemini: June 21 - July 20
Cancer: July 20 - Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10 - Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16 - Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30 - Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23 - Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 - Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17 - Jan. 20

DATELINE: IN ARCHIE BUNKER’S LIVINGROOM – Where else would one sit to learn about the Meathead law that is now coming into effect in Seattle. You gotta fucking love something called the Meathead Ordinance. Passed unanimously by Seattle City Council, it allows the police to write tickets for fighting, making threats and creating noise, designed to curb the frivolities of late night bar patrons at closing time. The law is only in effect between the hours of midnight and 5am, and applies to car horn honking, engine revving, crying, shouting, screaming, and talking in loud voices during these hours, and will result in a $100 fine. Instead, now you will hear all night long people shushing each other, a noise akin to air escaping the tires of the entire fleet of Oscar Meyer Wienie-Mobiles, and giggling their asses off with every fart and burp, because there is nothing less quiet than a drunk trying to be quiet. At least with the car horns and revving engines you will not have to listen to the sound of these partiers puking on the sidewalk.

DATELINE: GETTING DOWN TO THE NITTY TITTY IN THE AIRPORT SECURITY LINE – The TSA has been taught a valuable lesson, and it is about God damned time! In 2008, while patting down a young woman, the agent ‘accidently’ **wink wink** pulled her shirt down far enough to expose the woman’s chest. (Since the chest belonged to a 24-year-old from Texas, one has to assume they were a couple of fine attributes – they usually are.) Whether accidental or not, the woman deserved to receive a profound apology immediately, but instead received a string of jokes and off-color comments. In the good old days, a woman would be fully within her rights in such a situation to kick the fucking nuts off the ignorant asshole who ‘made the mistake’ then had the incredibly low class to make fun about it, but now, while in that wonderful line, we just smile and accept… then file complaints and talk to lawyers. This time, thank God, the courts sided with the woman and ordered damages of an undisclosed amount to be paid. One way to avoid being caught in the dreaded pat-down feel-up from the TSA is to not purchase the all new underwear that is made with imbedded special ink that blurs the juicy bits. While this new product is designed to protect your dignity while going through the total body peek-a-boos, the TSA sees it at a warning flag and it will automatically single you out for their daily special grope of the day. Face it, people, come hell or high water, you will have no secrets when you are boarding a plane; the best you can home for is not to give everyone else in the security line a peep show as well.

DATELINE: READING MY FORTUNE FROM TOLL-HOUSE COOKIES – This fortune says ‘he who does not pay tolls spends rest of life in prison’. A farmer in China, unable to afford the tolls required for his two-truck gravel delivery side business, slapped some military license plates onto his vans, got his hands on a couple of military uniforms, and for nine months ran his vehicles back and forth for free. When later calculating the cost of what those tolls should have been, it was determined he defrauded the government of 3.5 million yuan (about $530,000 USD). How the hell is anyone supposed to pay half a million fucking dollars in tolls in nine months and still be expected to afford tires, gasoline, a roof over their head, food or anything else? Half a million fucking dollars! This gives new meaning to highway robbery. When the man was caught, he was sentenced to life in prison for his heinous crime, and was given a 2 million yuan ($302,000 USD) fine to pay as well, a fine which he has no hope in hell of paying. Are their streets made of gold or something? Shi Jianfeng received a sentence that, even in Chinese terms, is more harsh than that handed down for rape or murder. There is something stinking in the state of Henan, and it is not the raw monkey brains or the donkey meat soaked in tiger urine – well, it probably is those things as well, and the ensuing bile-licious puke, but I meant in the metaphorical sense.

DATELINE: IN THE LAND OF MILK AND HONEY – IF YOU ARE A BIG BANKER, AT LEAST – On the heels of hearing that bank profits in the US are back up to their ‘pre-crisis’ levels, for the ‘Big’ Banks, we anxiously await the announcement of the ‘bonuses’ – it is that time of the year, you know. The middle of January always comes with that wonderful news of how many millions were paid to banking muck-mucks for their unbelievable skill at sitting in the corner office with the big windows, looking down on the peons below as they pack their lives on their backs and live out of their cars because their houses have been foreclosed. Last year set a record for housing foreclosures in the US… one in every forty-five homeowners lost their house last year, totally over a million homes. The predictions for 2011 are even worse, as there are over five million homeowners who are at least two months behind on mortgage payments, and the projections are for a conservative 1.2 million foreclosures in the next twelve months. Sorry, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see there is something very wrong with this picture. Perhaps its time for politicians to stop shouting at each other about shouting at each other, and get down to work doing their jobs, before there is a need to designate the WalMart parking lot a city suburb because of all the families forced to live there.

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 25th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 25th, 2010

DATELINE: AT A HOME WHERE THE BUFFALO ROAM... RIGHT OVER TOP THE FAIRWAY – At great risk of causing great distress for my buddies who golf, yesterday a herd of buffalo ran through the Camrose Alberta golf course. Several players tried to pursue the critters with golf carts, but could not keep up with panicked bison. They were eventually rounded up in a holding pen. Unfortunately the damned pen was made of barbed wire. The old buffalo/barbed wire combo is sort of like the broom/spiderweb thing... of course the fucking herd ran in one end of their corral and right out through the other end, totally ignoring barbed wire (as buffalo are wont to do). There have been reports this morning of splinter groups wandering throughout the prairie city... three of them downtown are hanging out around the courthouse, a couple more were jogging down the biathlon path... so now is the perfect fucking opportunity. Get yer damned rollerskates on and see if it is possible in a buffalo herd.

DATELINE: CHEWING UP AND SPITTING OUT THE BIG APPLE – Once again the issue of constructions around Ground Zero has become an issue; a proposed 67-storey high rise is raising blood pressures in Manhattan as well. This time the problem is that the new building would rob the Empire State Building of its view, and that annoys ESB co-owner Anthony Malkin. Well, perhaps it is time for Anthony Malkin to pull on some big-boy pants and suck it up. The Twin Towers were one hell of a lot taller than the proposed new building, and no one complained about that. The simple fact of the matter is that in the downtown core of cities, because land is at a premium, construction has to go up, and no ‘view’ can be owned. Perhaps the new building will offer some perspective on the horizon, or will be a stunning architectural structure. Malkin needs to understand that while he might own the bricks and mortar of his building, he does not own the air two fucking blocks away. For a society that straps its constitutional rights to their hearts with fucking bands of iron, it is incredibly convenient how those constitutional rights only apply to themselves, and screw the other guy. You cannot embrace one aspect of those guaranteed rights and toss the others today just because you don’t like them. Of course, this report seems to always be reported with the comparison to the issues regarding the proposed mosque. According to the very first amentment to the constitution, freedom of religion is a guaranteed right. Is the proposal insensitive? Absolutely, but to deny the right for them to build a mosque on a piece of property legally purchased, to deny them the mosque now is to only provide one shitload of ammunition to terrorists. These are buildings, people... nothing more. Get over it.

DATELINE: GETTING GROPED IN THE SECURITY LINE – US Airport security has gotten grabby again. They have implemented a new ‘front of the hand slide down technique’ of searching passengers. This includes grabbing and searching of boobs, balls and anything else that strikes their fancy. Yes, they warn you that they are going to be a bit ‘invasive’ but seriously, there are some limits. They have x-ray machines, sniffer dogs, metal detectors... and STILL you have to submit to being groped? So what the hell will they do when I go through? I have more fucking nooks and crannies, wrinkles and folds... everyone else in the fucking line is going to miss their plane while they pat me down. So, since going naked might not be an option yet, I propose that for anyone who is going through this, make it more enjoyable. Do a Meg Ryan. As they are groping, groan, purr, scream Oh Yes! Oh My God! Yessssssssssssss!! Don’t Stop! Harder! Harder! Give people a reason to smile and the hopes of something pleasurable – the Airport Orgasm.

DATELINE: DOING DOGA – Yup, it’s the latest trend in all the classiest of fucking places. Of course, this is something that started in New York so it has to be fucking cool, right? It is yoga with your dog. You draw from their energy as you hold them and you in your yoga pose. I tried to take Adolf to a doga lesson. I was sure it would be fucking perfect for us. I did that thing where you have to kneel on the ground and stretch your arms out on the floor in front of you and stick your ass in the air, and you have your doggy underneath you when we do this, helping them to hold the same fucking pose. When I finally got my ass in the air and my arms on the ground, I couldn’t find fucking Adolf anywhere. When I got up to look for him, he was lying lifeless on the ground in the same area where my boobs had been resting. I thought he was fucking dead, but the little shit screamed when I went to pick him up and ran the hell away. When he sees the fucking yoga mat now, he runs and hides behind the toilet. So much for fucking doga.

DATELINE: PUTTING THE CAT IN THE CAN – You want to know how to get an entire country to hate you? Get caught on video dropping someone’s cat into a garbage can. That’s what happened to Lola, the little grey kitty. She stopped to get a little scratch from what is truly a vial fucking woman, and found herself scooped up and dropped into the trash can, the lid slammed down, and the woman taking off down the street. Lola was discovered fourteen hours later. The problem for this asshat woman, Mary, who worked at the bank, is that the whole incident was caught on video. Now Mary is getting police protection because of the gathering of people outside her home, and the death threats she has been receiving. I tried to feel sorry for her, but the woman is a stupid cruel bitch and so nope, I just can’t find the pity. I am pissed though, that no charges will be laid against the woman.

DATELINE: EXPLAINING LINDSAY – Yes, that would be Lohan. I will forgo my carved in fucking stone rule about not giving any words to these prima dona over-privileged bitches, but today... This weekend, Lindsay’s headline whoring daddy Michael, was also at it again, this time extolling praise for none other than that paragon of fucking virture Mel Gibson. The elder Lohan referred to the ‘apparently doctored tapes’ of Gibson being his usual asshole self. I guess who would know better about incriminating tapes than Michael Lohan... he tried to secretly release what he hoped was incriminating recordings of his ex-wife, his ex-girlfriend, and even his own daughter, so I guess he would be the resident expert when it comes to tape recordings. The reason for his defence of the unmitigated asshole? “All I know is Mel went on the line for Jesus Christ, built a church for God and has helped many.” Give me a fucking break... Yeah, that seems to be about the ONLY thing you know. I guess the Lohan apple of stupidity did not fall far from the fucking tree.