DAILY NEWS -- JANUARY 17th, 2010 - BLUE MONDAY

DAILY NEWS -- JANUARY 17th, 2010 - BLUE MONDAY

DATELINE: SITTING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE JANUARY DOLDRUMS – Are you blue? You’re supposed to be, because this is Blue Monday. We probably spent billions of fucking dollars doing studies on this shit, because we really needed a name for the Monday, already a blue day for many, that is supposed to be the most depressing Monday of all. Bills from Christmas, crappy cold weather, and short dark days all combine to make the perfect psychological storm. We need to kick this fucking blue funk. Giving it a name only makes more of us aware of the fact that we are supposed to be blue; giving it that name is a fucking self-fulfilling prophesy. They should have called it “Let’s Pretend is Summertime” Monday, so people would get their damned Hawaiian shirts and berkys out of storage and have some fucking fun, but no, we had to call it something to make the day even more fucking depressing. So, if it’s Blue Monday, I suggest we revolt! Slip into your fuzzy blue cookie monster slippers, pour a couple of Blue Moons, put some Bobby Vinton on the turntable, and just to keep it fucking real, a constant feed of Blue Lagoon on the movie channel (with the prerequisite extra tray full of fucking blue drinks). Blue is relative, people… there are a lot of people who have a lot of reasons to be blue, but if you are not up to your neck in rubble or rain, you have a roof, your family is healthy and can put food on the table, then put that blue shit in the closet, and slap a fucking smile on your face. There is nothing better than proving a fucking government study wrong.

DATELINE: HITTING BACK AT THE GROPE DOPES – This weekend, two incidents surfaced of the assholes in the Airport Security uniforms being abusive with elderly women, both of whom had mastectomies. The first one originally set off the alarm with a pin in her leg, then was pulled aside and asked if she had any liquids or gels on her, to which the 82-year-old replied that she did not. When she went through the full-body scanner machines though, a silicon prosthesis for her breast showed up, causing the attendants to call her a liar and submit her to a ‘vigorous’ pat-down, the whole time making disparaging comments. The woman was totally humiliated as in front of everyone else waiting to go through security, she was forced to reveal her gel prosthesis. The second woman was also in her 80’s, was also subjected to the major grope and was forced to put her hands up over her head. She explained that she could not do that, because she had no range of motion with the arm because of her recent surgery. Despite the pain involved in lifting her arms over her head, the attendant ‘helped’ by pushing up on the arms while continuing to ridicule her for the rest of the crowd to hear. As the woman screamed in pain, the assholes did their jobs, because God knows, we have to watch the 85-year-old Blue Hair Brigade for their nefarious, subversive agenda. It’s nice to know that the arrogance of these power tripping assholes gives them the right to abuse in the performance of their job. If they had even one fucking clue, they would realize that their day, and everyone else’s, would go so much better if they did what they have to do with a fucking smile and a modicum of respect.

DATELINE: BOWING DOWN BEFORE THE FACEBOOK GODS – No, I am not talking about any fucking movie awards, nor am I commenting on their stupid way of changing everything on the damned site all the time, or their ‘new’ profiles. I am, however, throwing a huge fucking thumbs up to the social networking system for the inclusion of Amber Alerts. People can now go to the Amber Alert page, click on their location, and get automatically all Amber Alerts for their area as soon as they are released, as well as updates to what is happening. This is one of the truly marvelous uses for the system, and hopefully will help save the lives of many children. Please sign up, and when you get an Alert, please share it. There are over 800,000 children abducted each year. Let’s make it harder for that to happen.

DATELINE: RETURNING TO HAITI TO PICK WHATEVER IS LEFT FROM THEIR BONES – That would be Jean-Claude “Baby Doc” Duvalier, the former exiled leader, who arrived back in Haiti this weekend. I can hardly wait to hear the fucking whitewash he will be spewing in his press conference scheduled for today. For those of you who cannot remember, Baby Doc was the dictator who gave us that wonderful group of nasties called the Tonton Macoute, a secret police force that tortured, then killed, anyone who questioned, critisized or opposed Duvalier. Baby Doc robbed the country of millions of dollars, killed the tourism industry there, and totally entrenched those living outside Port Au Prince, and many within the capital city, in a lifetime of abject poverty. As his country began to revolt at the end of 1985, President Ronnie ‘A people free to choose will always choose peace’ Reagan began to negotiate ‘through channels’ for Baby Doc to flee the country, just not to the USA. In early February 1986, Duvalier and his family boarded a US Air Force plane destined for France, where he has lived in luxurious exile... until now. It was pointed out in 2007 by the Haitian government that Duvalier was welcome to return to his homeland, but that he would be instantly held to account for the thefts of millions of dollars and the murder of thousands of people, but with the current state of affairs in that country I suspect we will not be seeing him in cuffs as he pitches his greatness to the masses today. Sadly, because no one else has been able to offer any fucking effective help to people at large, because they are totally desperate for someone to help them in their plight, because they are in total political disarray, the speech today could start a whole new chapter of increased despair and hardship for a people already socially and politically tortured enough in their everyday existence. ‘Free people’? I guess ‘freedom’ is a quantitative anomaly, because while these people are free to cast a vote, they are prisoners of their own overwhelming disasters, and at this point, they will choose whatever might offer even the tiniest glimmer of hope, even if it is more bullshit held together with glitter-glue. If all great change, as President Reagan stated, starts at the dinner table, the people of Haiti have no hope at all. Someone build them a fucking dinner table... it’s long overdue.

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 25th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 25th, 2010

DATELINE: AT A HOME WHERE THE BUFFALO ROAM... RIGHT OVER TOP THE FAIRWAY – At great risk of causing great distress for my buddies who golf, yesterday a herd of buffalo ran through the Camrose Alberta golf course. Several players tried to pursue the critters with golf carts, but could not keep up with panicked bison. They were eventually rounded up in a holding pen. Unfortunately the damned pen was made of barbed wire. The old buffalo/barbed wire combo is sort of like the broom/spiderweb thing... of course the fucking herd ran in one end of their corral and right out through the other end, totally ignoring barbed wire (as buffalo are wont to do). There have been reports this morning of splinter groups wandering throughout the prairie city... three of them downtown are hanging out around the courthouse, a couple more were jogging down the biathlon path... so now is the perfect fucking opportunity. Get yer damned rollerskates on and see if it is possible in a buffalo herd.

DATELINE: CHEWING UP AND SPITTING OUT THE BIG APPLE – Once again the issue of constructions around Ground Zero has become an issue; a proposed 67-storey high rise is raising blood pressures in Manhattan as well. This time the problem is that the new building would rob the Empire State Building of its view, and that annoys ESB co-owner Anthony Malkin. Well, perhaps it is time for Anthony Malkin to pull on some big-boy pants and suck it up. The Twin Towers were one hell of a lot taller than the proposed new building, and no one complained about that. The simple fact of the matter is that in the downtown core of cities, because land is at a premium, construction has to go up, and no ‘view’ can be owned. Perhaps the new building will offer some perspective on the horizon, or will be a stunning architectural structure. Malkin needs to understand that while he might own the bricks and mortar of his building, he does not own the air two fucking blocks away. For a society that straps its constitutional rights to their hearts with fucking bands of iron, it is incredibly convenient how those constitutional rights only apply to themselves, and screw the other guy. You cannot embrace one aspect of those guaranteed rights and toss the others today just because you don’t like them. Of course, this report seems to always be reported with the comparison to the issues regarding the proposed mosque. According to the very first amentment to the constitution, freedom of religion is a guaranteed right. Is the proposal insensitive? Absolutely, but to deny the right for them to build a mosque on a piece of property legally purchased, to deny them the mosque now is to only provide one shitload of ammunition to terrorists. These are buildings, people... nothing more. Get over it.

DATELINE: GETTING GROPED IN THE SECURITY LINE – US Airport security has gotten grabby again. They have implemented a new ‘front of the hand slide down technique’ of searching passengers. This includes grabbing and searching of boobs, balls and anything else that strikes their fancy. Yes, they warn you that they are going to be a bit ‘invasive’ but seriously, there are some limits. They have x-ray machines, sniffer dogs, metal detectors... and STILL you have to submit to being groped? So what the hell will they do when I go through? I have more fucking nooks and crannies, wrinkles and folds... everyone else in the fucking line is going to miss their plane while they pat me down. So, since going naked might not be an option yet, I propose that for anyone who is going through this, make it more enjoyable. Do a Meg Ryan. As they are groping, groan, purr, scream Oh Yes! Oh My God! Yessssssssssssss!! Don’t Stop! Harder! Harder! Give people a reason to smile and the hopes of something pleasurable – the Airport Orgasm.

DATELINE: DOING DOGA – Yup, it’s the latest trend in all the classiest of fucking places. Of course, this is something that started in New York so it has to be fucking cool, right? It is yoga with your dog. You draw from their energy as you hold them and you in your yoga pose. I tried to take Adolf to a doga lesson. I was sure it would be fucking perfect for us. I did that thing where you have to kneel on the ground and stretch your arms out on the floor in front of you and stick your ass in the air, and you have your doggy underneath you when we do this, helping them to hold the same fucking pose. When I finally got my ass in the air and my arms on the ground, I couldn’t find fucking Adolf anywhere. When I got up to look for him, he was lying lifeless on the ground in the same area where my boobs had been resting. I thought he was fucking dead, but the little shit screamed when I went to pick him up and ran the hell away. When he sees the fucking yoga mat now, he runs and hides behind the toilet. So much for fucking doga.

DATELINE: PUTTING THE CAT IN THE CAN – You want to know how to get an entire country to hate you? Get caught on video dropping someone’s cat into a garbage can. That’s what happened to Lola, the little grey kitty. She stopped to get a little scratch from what is truly a vial fucking woman, and found herself scooped up and dropped into the trash can, the lid slammed down, and the woman taking off down the street. Lola was discovered fourteen hours later. The problem for this asshat woman, Mary, who worked at the bank, is that the whole incident was caught on video. Now Mary is getting police protection because of the gathering of people outside her home, and the death threats she has been receiving. I tried to feel sorry for her, but the woman is a stupid cruel bitch and so nope, I just can’t find the pity. I am pissed though, that no charges will be laid against the woman.

DATELINE: EXPLAINING LINDSAY – Yes, that would be Lohan. I will forgo my carved in fucking stone rule about not giving any words to these prima dona over-privileged bitches, but today... This weekend, Lindsay’s headline whoring daddy Michael, was also at it again, this time extolling praise for none other than that paragon of fucking virture Mel Gibson. The elder Lohan referred to the ‘apparently doctored tapes’ of Gibson being his usual asshole self. I guess who would know better about incriminating tapes than Michael Lohan... he tried to secretly release what he hoped was incriminating recordings of his ex-wife, his ex-girlfriend, and even his own daughter, so I guess he would be the resident expert when it comes to tape recordings. The reason for his defence of the unmitigated asshole? “All I know is Mel went on the line for Jesus Christ, built a church for God and has helped many.” Give me a fucking break... Yeah, that seems to be about the ONLY thing you know. I guess the Lohan apple of stupidity did not fall far from the fucking tree.