Friday, April 16, 2010


DAILY NEWS -- APRIL 17th, 2010


– It took a Canadian woman to do it. ‘It’ is porn for the blind. Yes, Braille porn, with the pictures in great detail raised off the page, so much so that people can see them with their eyeballs too. However, in a twist of what has to be a sick twisted mind, the people in the pictures are wearing animal masks, like bunny ears and elephant trunks. If this was to fall into the hands of a child, god only know what he will think about human anatomy. The author explains that it was easier for her to get her friends to pose for the pictures if their faces were not shown. I can totally understand why! They all look totally Canadian, all pasty white and not a tan line on the bunch. No matter, I have no doubt there will be a whole lot of fingers doing the walking through those pages.

DATELINE: NEW YORK – Don’t squeeze the Charmin… or the nude models asses at the Museum of Modern Art. A new exhibit that offers a review of Marina Abramovic’s work over a forty year period is raising eyebrows, and dare I say other anatomical accoutrements *wink wink*. It includes nude performers standing in a doorway, performers who are complaining that they are being touched and handled by visitors of the museum. Consider yourself warned: if you happen to touch one of them, you will be shown the door. Like all museum pieces, these are to be looked at, appreciated, enjoyed… but definitely not touched. The problem? The two in the doorway are so close together, you have to touch them in order to get through. On the bright side, some of Abramovic’s performance art in the past has involved her having visitors inflict pain on her in a number of possible ways (including chains, knives, scissors and a gun), while others watch. I will be doing up my application for Abramovic tonight, because she ain’t seen fucking art unless she has seen Bambi, and god knows, it would be an exhibit people would never forget.

DATELINE: UNDOUBTEDLY ON THE ROAD TO HELL – Award-winning Christian singer Jennifer Knapp is coming back with a new album, and is coming out of the closet, all at the same time, and undoubtedly evangelical heads will be spinning. Aware of the possible negative fallout from making her announcement, she is still forging ahead, hoping that perhaps these God-loving examples of all that is good on earth will not want her tarred and feathered, condemning her to the fires of hell and eternal damnation because of her honesty. The woman is in a same-sex relation; she has not carved out a contract with the devil, and its probably safe to assume that her voice and her presentation and her heart will still be in fine shape, because who she is in a relationship doesn’t matter a tinker’s damn. Then again, there is no one who jumps to judgments and condemnations faster than those god-fearing bunch. The issue I am still grappling with in this whole fucking thing is, seriously, there are awards for Christian singing??

DATELINE: ROME – In a show of total generous, magnanimous forgiveness, The Vatican has conceded that, perhaps, the Beatles were okay. I have no fucking doubt this is one hell of a relief to both John Lennon and George Harrison. In what is truly the fucking funniest case of the pot calling the kettle black, the irony of their statements cannot be passed over. “It’s true, they took drugs: swept up by their successes, they lived dissolute and uninhibited lives’. Hmmm, sounds like some fucking pedophile priests, don’t it? They, of course, saved this faint praise for the 40th anniversary of the day the Beatles broke up.

DATELINE: OGRE SWAMP – He is too Shrekxy for his shoes, too Shrekxy for his clothes...! Yes, there are some HAWT photos kicking around that show Shrek and his friends with some barely-clad lads and lasses in what was supposed to be a new photo spread for the new movie, Shrek Forever After. What the hell is wrong with Donkey snuggling with a jammie-wearing model? So some of the models are wearing barely-there leather? It’s a man’s magazine, nothing intended for kiddies, so what the hell is the issue? That being said, though, I do take objection to the lady with her ta-ta’s almost hanging out posing with Puss in Boots while feeding him grapes. THAT one crosses the line, not that I am a prude, or that I am hawt for Puss in Boots, but my god, have you heard that cat when he speaks??? It’s enough to bring Bambi to her knees. There is nothing more sexy than that cat’s voice.If anyone is popping grapes, or anything else, into that sezy mouth, its gonna be me!

DATELINE: NEW YORK – It seems that seven was not his lucky number. Well, technically she was number eight, but he married one twice, so I guess it’s all in how you wanna spin this. Larry King has said goodbye to wife number seven, and he did it with so much fucking style. Then again, considering his age, ya gotta admire the guy’s stamina. While he is accused of screwing around with his 46-year-old sister-in-law (insert ewwwww-factor groan here), his wife, Shawn, has also been accused of boinking a 27-year-old hawty youth baseball coach. Bambi’s rule #1 – If he will do it WITH you, he will eventually do it TO you. If in fact Shawn had an affair, of course the age discrepancy would be to make up for the last 11 years with a now 76-year-old old man. Either way, they both filed for divorce this week, and there is every reason to believe that this will be one hell of a circus performance so get in lots of fucking popcorn. One has to wonder though, while he and his wife are duking it out in court over who pays legal fees and who has custody of the kids and how many millions will not be paid in alimony or support, how is all this going to play out with those two little boys?

No comments:

Post a Comment