Monday, April 26, 2010

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 27th, 2010


DAILY NEWS – APRIL 27th, 2010

– Okay, Ladies, whip out those ta-ta’s and help with a study at Perdue University. Well, it might not be the University, but a student there, the beautiful, wonderful Jennifer McCreight, has decided, and rightly so, that it is time to test the word of the Iranian clerics who declared that women are to blame for the rash of earthquakes. Now, admittedly we, we are definitely the cause of the earth moving for deserving men, however I think these Iranian Clerics are totally up their asses and so will embrace ‘Boobquake’ with all that I have (and although I am not one to brag, what I have is nothing to turn yer nose up at). So ladies, for the next 24 hours, lets shimmy em and shake em, bare em to the world in the most revealing duds you got. My guts tell me that although we might not set off seismographs, we will definitely see an increase in lumber production for the duration. There might also be a few extra eruptions, although i highly doubt they will be volcanic.

DATELINE: BIMBOLAND – I remembered watching as Kate Gosselin cried during Dancing with The Stars. “This is my life!” *insert snot-filled sniffling here*”Everything I do is done in the media. My whole life is right there.” BOO HOO FUCKING HOO. I said at the time the bitch got all that she wanted, that she loved the prima dona/bitch/victim role and now... well... she has signed her children up for the same fucking thing she bitched about and blamed for all her problems in life. She is going to put 8 children into the limelight, have their life under scrutiny while she primps and wimps for the cameras. Listen up, you little attention whore. What you do to your own life... who gives a flying fuck. But as a mother, you have a responsibility to take care of and protect your kids. If you felt that this life in the media was so unfair, so cruel and difficult, why the hell are you exposing your children to it? Well, it’s because you LOVE being the victim, you LOVE the attention and the money and you really don’t give a flying fuck about your children. The gig is up, sweetheart. The world sees you for what you are, nothing more than a fucking money-hungry whore.

DATELINE: CHEAPSVILLE – Randy Quaid and his wife were arrested today for failing to attend any of their court appearances regarding their defrauding the San Ysidro Ranch in Montecito of over $10,000. Now, I have to wonder, what the hell would make a man who SHOULD have more money than he knows what to do with because of the movies he has done, what would make him use a dud credit card to pay for this incredibly expensive stay (by my real-life working class standards) and THEN make the people chase after him? Not only is he cheap, and a criminal, but apparently an asshole to boot. Yes, you paid the bill, and I commend you for that, but why the hell did you put anyone, including yourselves through this shit? If you had a problem with the accommodations, there are routes you can take without screwing people over and costing the state a piss-pot full of money to chase you down, set court dates that you apparently think you are too important to be bothered with, and arrest you. Be a fucking man, pay your god damned bills when you run them up and quit trying to screw over people in an attempt to line your pathetic pockets.

DATELINE: ONLY IN HOLLYWOOD – Speaking of perpetual victims and the women who love to play the role, Lindsay Lohan got her ass kicked out of Trousdale, a ‘beautiful people’ hangout in LA. She reportedly tossed a drink at her ex-best friend. Not much reason there to wonder why the ‘ex’ part. And what a fucking waste of a margarita. She has been on a binge it seems, playing her victim role to the hilt as she parties for the world to see just about every night of the week. I guess you can do that when you are a lazy little rich bitch who really doesn’t give a shit where the next meal comes from because, well, the world just would not stand to let her starve, the poor dear. It’s a good thing she loves this role so much, since she also got the boot from her upcoming movie, where she was supposed to be... I can’t really believe this, but what the hell... the lead actress or something. Don’t get me wrong, but a one-armed masturbating monkey has more acting skill than the spoiled brat queen of entitlement. The financial backers thought there might be some questions about Lohan being bankable. If they were referring to a sperm bank, they might be okay. Otherwise... hmmmm... I think not. Better to go with the monkey... and get some bang for your buck.

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