DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 26th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 26th, 2010

DATELINE: JUMPING INTO A BOWL OF TROJAN SOUP – When it comes to poetic irony, you can’t really beat this one. Easter 2009, Zdenek Philip Hodousek dipped into a bowl of French Onion Soup while dining with his family. He thought he was biting into some melted cheese on top of the soup. Instead, he had sunk his chompers into a condom. Nothing says family brunch like a floating prophylactic. Here’s the funny part... the name of the restaurant that served the tantalizing dish was Claim Jumpers. Think about that for a moment, and if you have a sick enough mind, you will smile. While the restaurant denies there was any foreign object in the dish, and that no one was being jumped on the prep table in the kitchen, yesterday they did agree to make an undisclosed settlement to the claim.

DATELINE: SIPPING TEA IN BP HELL – Well, I am anyways, watching and reading. In coverage of the latest inquiry into the Deepwater Horizon explosion and oil spill, yesterday it was released that the well casing was not properly structured, a point that Halliburton reps say they pointed out to their BP counterparts (they shared the same fucking office, for the love of God) but apparently without being overly emphatic about the engineers concerns. Now it is TransOcean’s turn to point a finger, stating that the blow-out preventor, the one thing that was being depended on to prevent any disasters for this well, had not been recertified when it was supposed to have been. To recertify it, making sure it is working properly and in good condition, would have required the well to be shut down for the process. However, one employee states that it was working properly because he was in charge of maintenance, and he knew it was working. I can save you all a whole lot of fucking time though... the three companies, Halliburton, TransOcean and BP were focused on one thing and one thing only, and it was not the welfare of the ocean, the people who live on the ocean or the people working on the damned rig. Their only concern was the bottom line. That’s why Halliburton pointed out deficiencies, but not really, and why TransOcean made sure the equipment was all working, but not really, and BP made sure they were compliant with all regulations and guidelines issued by the federal government, but not really, especially when it was just a whole lot easier and cheaper to pay off/bribe people in the MMS. Now they will all sit and point fingers, but in the end the cause of the entire incident will come down plain, simple, self-serving greed.

DATELINE: CELEBRATING A NEW LABOR MOVEMENT – This family is either incredibly close or they should be buying up lottery tickets because they do like to challenge odds. On Friday, Saby Pazos and her sister Leslie Pazos both gave birth to their babies, one boy, one girl, at the Westlake Hospital in Melrose Park, Illinois. The following day, a third sister, Lilian, gave birth to a baby girl at the same damned hospital. Three babies in two days in one family in one hospital? Astounding, you say? But wait! On Monday, a fourth sister, Heidi, gave birth to a baby boy in California. In case you are running out of toes to count on, that would be four babies born in four days. Hello, hormones! Welcome to little Abel, Ashley, Emily and Jonathan.

DATELINE: PIMPING BABIES ON CRAIGSLIST – Despite their claims of having all ads reviewed by their attornies to ensure there is no pornographic material being pimped on their sales sites, it seems that ‘the trade’ is alive and well and raking in the ‘craigsbucks’. Enter the attorneys general of 17 states, furious over the still rampant ads peddling women for sick bastardos unable to get a date or tired of the one they have. Despite their claims, some of these ads most certainly involve children, most of them cater to sexual predators, many of them are incredibly degrading to women. Yes, I know there are some women who chose this lifestyle... but there are a hundredfold more of them that do not, but have no way to escape it. And as for th children? No, there is absolutely no fucking excuse for anyone to do anything to a child. No matter how you argue that one, it is just plain wrong and sick. Despite the legal pleas from the collective Attorneys General, though, they have no authority to do bugger all... the onus is totally on Craigslist, and as this issue has been going on for years now, and has been raking in the money for them, it is highly unlikely they really give a flying fuck about any moral, social or ethical responsibility. While I embrace the principle of free enterprise, I have to say that the accompanying disregard for anything but the amount of money to be gained is disgusting at best.

DATELINE: WHERE THE BIG BOYS ARE NOTHING MORE THAN SCHOOLYARD BULLIES -- For the ninth fucking time, a girls’ school in Afghanistan was attacked with poison gas, sending 59 high school students and 14 teachers to the hospital. From 1996-2001, under the rule of those fucking sweeties, the Taliban, girls were not to attend school at all. Today approximately two-million girls attend school, but do so in fear for their lives. What a sad fucking state of affairs. The big bad Taliban only has the fucking gonads to bully little girls. The truth of the matter is that they are afraid of women, realize that women can be smart, arguably smarter and braver than any fucking lowlife who blows poison into their lungs while they are learning. Stonings, scourging, poisoning of women... the Taliban—nothing more than a bunch of lowlife feckless fucking thugs.

DATELINE: ROLLING A CUBAN – Raul Castro, new Cuban Kingpin, has decided to stop the subsidy of cigarettes for men over 55. It would be totally fucking awesome to think he did this in an attempt to help improve health and to stop the devastating effects of smoking, but instead he did it to help increase the government bank account. Sadly for some people, this will present an unbearable burden, because they require the subsidized smokes so they can in turn sell them and have money to buy food for their table. Welcome to the communist way of life. The monthly pension for the average person in Cuba is a whole $10.40. With cuts to cigarettes as well as to coupons for other food items and necessities, the gap between the few rich and the growing number of poor widens. Its a great page to take from Chavez’s book.

DATELINE: SPEAKING OF DESPOTS AND ASSHOLES – Kin Jong Il is in China today. While no one has yet been able to determine the purpose for his visit there, you have to know this is not a good thing. If good old Mahmoud Ahmedinejad happens to stop by to join them for a cup of chinese tea, it could well be time to start building that fucking bunker in the back yard. Climate change – it could refer to political cold wars as well, and it would seem the climate’s a-changing.

I'M BAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAACK

DAILY NEWS -- JUNE 26th, 2010

DATELINE: SEQUESTERED IN BELGIUM – Oh my dear Lord! Can you fucking believe it??? While police searched a church looking for any and all evidence relating to sexual abuse, the bishops that were inside the church were required to stay there!!! GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome to the real fucking world, asshats! Yes, when police are searching in the course of an investigation, they typically don’t let those who might be involved or might have evidence on them run amok just because they carry a cross and dress in vestments. Apparently the Vatican thinks those purple and red robes offer diplomatic immunity. Apparently the Vatican should fucking suck it up and realize that the free ride is over. They have no credibility, they have done nothing to garner trust especially in matters relating to sexual misconduct and the covering up thereof, so why the hell should they be allowed to fucking dine and stroll around while police are performing a LEGAL AUTHORIZED search of the premises? The Vatican is ‘astonished’? Well whoop-de-fucking-doo for them! It’s time for them all to man up, and to perhaps look into buying some extra supplies of soap, just to make their transition to jail cells a little more easy, because you KNOW once a couple of those fucking assholes get in there, they will be prime picking at the new boy toys on the block... and it couldn’t happen to a better bunch.

DATELINE: ON THE GOOD SHIP LOOSE LIPS AS SHE STARTS TO SINK – I can’t help but notice that all those wonderful, loyal staffers of General McChrystal, those ones who he said ‘would die for him’ all of a sudden seem pretty... well... unwilling to politically die for him. What a fucking shock that is. While saying that their comments were clearly off the record when speaking to a reporter from Rolling Stone, they seem to gloss over the fact that they should have kept their mouths shut in the first place. Now that McChrystal is packing his bags, and I will admit honourably bearing the responsibility for the asinine comments made by his staff, it seems all of them have found the fucking duct tape. Yes, not one has come forward to claim ownership of the many anonymous quotes that skewered the General, not one of them has come forward in defence of the man, not one of them has said ‘Hey, It was me babbling and speaking when I shouldn’t have, and not really him!’ Noooo, these staffers are too fucking busy covering their own asses. The whole incident with the magazine seems to be mired in the utmost stupidity... government/military/bureaucratic pencil pushers speaking to the press and forgetting the number one rule about that (which, let’s face it, we all know that whatever is said IS on the record), and a reporter who claims that he had no idea there would be any fallout from the article. What the fuck planet do these people live on? Of course there would be fallout, and of course what was said, especially when slurred through booze-drenched lips is going to come back to bite you. The first question I have to ask is ‘who the hell else have these idiots been spewing off to about military operations, or God knows what else?’ In their drunken reverie did they happen to laugh out the location of the next counterinsurgency efforts, or perhaps the placement of some hidden munitions? They were sitting and sipping and dancing and singing, after all. The bottom line is the buck stops with McChrystal, and at least he had the fucking balls to acknowledge and accept – he has taken the high road, such as it is, while those around him scurry around in the gutters of self-preservation. It’s to be hoped though, that General Pataeus will make sure his ship is clear of such vermin.

DATELINE: CLUSTERFUCK, GULF OF MEXICO – During my hiatus, I had to quietly bite my tongue whenever there was more ‘developments’ in what truly is the clusterfuck of the century. In true Murphy’s Law form, if something could go wrong, it did – and now cleanup and containment efforts get to deal with the latest development... tropical storms/hurricanes that will do nothing to help the cause. So we sit and wait for the relief well, hoping like hell it will actually be where it is supposed to be and will do what it is supposed to do, something that is hugely far from certain still, but it seems to be the only hope we can cling to. Oh, and we can pray... because that seems to be as effective as anything else that is being tried out there. Sorry, but BP being left to solve and clean up this mess is like asking an arsonist to investigate the fucking fire he started. And the moratorium... don’t get me started. So here, from Bambi’s Book of All that Should Just Be Fucking Common Sense, is what should happen. BP should NOT be allowed anywhere near that mess. They should not be allowed to clean it, to investigate it, to participate in it or collect the fucking oil from it. There are government agencies with the knowledge, equipment and ability to do all that BP is doing and more, and they could do it with a whole hell of a lot more credibility. BP should be to fucking busy answering questions, and accounting for absolutely every fucking shortcut they took, every rule they broke, and every god damned MSS employee they paid off in whatever way... and none of that bullshit that Hayward seems to think substitutes as an answer as he saves his sorry ass. They have created an environmental disaster of epic proportions, and they should not be allowed the luxury of time to cover their asses with ‘I don’t remember’ and ‘I wasn’t part of that particular decision’. As far as MSS goes, because they certainly have a hand in this crap, Salazar should be sharing a bench with McChrystal, and if there is a god, McChrystal will take those legendary nanchuks to Salazar’s fucking empty head and beat the crap out of him. This was the man who was supposed to be responsible for MMS, who was supposed to be cleaning up the corruption within the department and making sure that oil companies were complying with all rules and guidelines. Instead, he bellied up to the fucking bar, held no one accountable, and now his head should be on the fucking chopping block without any hesitation or questions. Obama... stand up and be a commander, please. Why the hell anyone waited for BP to deal with this issue is beyond me, because they had no business doing that, and they had absolutely no credibility or interest in the overall good. The fact that BP cares only about its bank accounts is more than reason enough to get their asses out of there. And instead of pissing around with court challenges about moratoriums that will ONLY make the situation worse for the people trying to live down there, get off yer fucking asses and inspect the damned wells that are there, one by one, making sure they are all accountable and have the proper safety, emergency and contingency plans and equipment where it should be. You don’t need a fucking moratorium... just get off your asses and do your jobs. Oh, and one final thing... can we PLEASE toss Sarah Palin overboard from one of those fucking platforms? She could help BP with their research on protecting the walruses in the Gulf.

DATELINE: WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE – AND WITH DAMNED GOOD REASON – Imagine it... a pub in London... a fundraiser for a local hospital... and a bunch of men preparing to be waxed. If you have any brains at all, you can see what’s coming... and it ain’t gonna be Joe Cooper, at least not for a while, since he almost had his balls ripped off when he agreed to a Brazilian intimate waxing. Those who donated were allowed to have a tug at the wax strips. What the hell sort of sane person comes up with this shit? Seriously, some guy is gonna walk into a pub, slap his good on the table, let someone wax em up with hot wax, and then let other drunken sots pull the strips off? He ended up in the hospital with more than the fuzz removed from his peaches. And yes, I have to say, if a guy is that fucking stupid and I was there, you know for damned sure, I too would tug on the strip. How could you not?

DATELINE: BESIDE A LAKE THAT IS FAKE, JUST LIKE THE MAN WHO BUILT IT – Welcome to the most expense ever fucking G8 or G20 summits. Yes, we know how to do things right in Canada. We build phoney lakes in an area that is filled with the most beautiful real ones imaginable. We build new outhouses, line the streets with gold, and then... we tell the rest of the world how to manage their money because we know how to do it best. Nothing tops the arrogant meter for Comrade Harper quite like this one. The rest of the world is looking for austerity and fiscal responsibility and accountability, and how better to show them just those quality than by filling a fake lake with fake fucking canoes. It is a perfect metaphor for the Canadian Government, a show of smoke and mirrors and ‘ohhhh shiny’ that is the essence of the current government. And what is Ignatieff doing to protect us from this crap? Who the hell knows and who the hell cares, because he is probably doing not a god damned thing, and still he will manage to it up. It’s a gift the man has, and sadly we will be paying for both assholes for a long time.

DAILY NEWS – JUNE 2, 2010

DAILY NEWS – JUNE 2, 2010

DATELINE: THE PENALTY BOX – It took some time, but finally we were told what we already knew... that Brian Mulroney fucked over Canadian taxpayers both while in office and once he had stepped away. Yes, it was Mulroney’s ‘I did not have sexual relations with that woman’ moment... except KarlHeinz Schreiber (an arms dealer who is currently in the slammer in Germany for tax evasion – a real stand-up all-round honest sorta nice guy) played the Lewinsky role. Yes, despite his pathetic claims of innocence, the Oliphant Commission finally released their findings, and those findings in a nutshell were that Mulroney likes to lie through his ass about all this shit. He was involved with bullshit deals, did pocket money, did peddle his influence and THEN, when the accusations finally came to light, he sued the Canadian government (aka the tax payers) for ruining his good name. What a load of fucking crap! Good ole’ Lying Brian (as my daddy so aptly christened the man twenty fifteen years ago) has screwed us over for millions of dollars, did it knowing he was lying his fucking ass off, and showed absolutely no compunction at all about doing something that might be considered unethical or even illegal. It is to be hoped that he has his ass kicked out of the Quebec Bar Society for his actions, because, well, he should have absolutely no credibility left to be able to function as a lawyer. Here’s the funny thing though... he was a lawyer, so he damned well knew what he was doing – over and over and over again. It is time for Comrade Harper to finally do something right and take his son-of-a-bitch predecessor to task to get us back the $2.1M we paid in the settlement of the defamation suit, the almost $2M it cost us in his legal fees that we were left on the hook for, and make HIM pay the damned costs this time. While they are at it, how about making him return his Order of Canada and his National Order of Quebec designations, and set a precedent in Canadian Government by stripping him of his Right Honorable designation, because, well, now that is just a load of crap that he does not deserve to have for the rest of his life, or even for one more day. If this is what he did as soon as he was out of office, I shudder to think of the many ways he fucked us over that we still have not found.

DATELINE: ALL OILED UP FOR A DAY AT THE BEACH – As oil from the Deepwater Horizon now spreads beyond Louisiana and washes ashore in Mississippi and Alabama, US Attorney General Eric Holder announced both criminal and civil investigations into the disaster, ordering all parties, including BP, Haliburton and Transocean to preserve all records. In their latest attempt to stop the spill, another untried effort with some cutesy fucking name, BP has chopped off the top of the pipe gushing oil into the ocean at a rate of 19,000 barrels a day, causing even more oil to explode from their well. They are depending on the same engineers who they refused to listen to regarding the building of the well and the fact that it would not withstand the pressures, but what the hell. And while they sit there and fiddle, rare species like the smalltooth sawfish will pay the price, people who live along the ocean will pay the price, the shareholders of BP will pay the price, all because those who make the decisions at BP did not want to take the time to do the job right. They have the unmitigated gall to remind us constantly about the fact that none of the efforts they are attempting have ever been tried in such deep water. Well, hello? Perhaps that was something you should have considered before you started to drill there. For people who bitch about too much government interference in big business, THIS situation is exactly the reason why there has to be government interference, whether we like it or not. Big business cannot be trusted to give a flying crap about anything, and when the shit starts to fly, the last thing on their minds is being genuine or concerned about anyone but themselves. BP, and for that matter Shell, based on the comments coming from that camp as well, have more than ensured they cannot be trusted for even a minute. Because of their irresponsible attitudes, people, buckle up, because we are in for a long and bumpy road of many more regulations and guidelines and rules that will be one hell of a burden to the small businessman and taxpayer. Just remember to thank BP for those as well. And for all you freaking belly-achers complaining that the government isn’t doing anything... what the fuck are they supposed to do? They can’t swim down and plug the fucking hole; they have to depend on the experts who, unfortunately, are the incredible dumb-asses that started this clusterfuck in the first place.

DATELINE: DOH! – In a world filled with amazing fictional characters and personalities, it is somewhat distressing to think that Homer Simpson is the greatest character on any sized screen in the last twenty years. Seriously?? In the Entertainment Weekly survey, that animated hawty beat out Harry Potter, Carrie Bradshaw and even Tony Soprano and Hannibal Lecter. You all know what that means, right? It means there is still hope that yours truly could still make the list! WHOOT!!!! The real upside for networks from this announcement – an announcement that actually was covered globally – is that this is now proof positive that real actors are maybe not worth +$1M/episode, especially when you have to add in all the shit they cause with their whining and bad behaviour. Congrats, Homer, tonight I shall raise a donut and beer in your honor.

DATELINE: THE LAND OF WHO GIVES A SHIT? – Former Vice President Al Gore, that guru of green, that nobelest of peace-mongers, that Oscar-winning wabbit saver... you know the guy. He and Tipper are separating. Yes, apparently this too, is news.

DATELINE: IN THE SLAMMER – Charlie Sheen will be doing 30 days time for his assault charges from Christmas when he smacked his wife around. Paint me fucking shocked. Yes, this too, was news.

DAILY NEWS – JUNE 1, 2010

DAILY NEWS – JUNE 1, 2010

DATELINE: BETWEEN THE DEVIL AND THE DEEP BLUE SEA – This is Israel’s situation -- always damned if they do and damned if they don't. If they do something to maintain their own country's security, they are condemned by the rest of the world, and if they don't, they will be attacked... again... by Palestinian terrorists. Israel is a country where people are trying to live their lives, where peace is only a dream, where no matter what they do, they receive global condemnation for their actions. Please remember that this is a country of Jewish people, a people who were literally turned away from almost every country in the world for no reason other than being Jewish, despite their plight or situation or need. So I ask, would we sit back and tolerate ships coming in to our waters with aide for terrorists hell-bent on annihilating us? If a flotilla pulled up in New York, what reception would they receive? Yes, the premise of the flotilla in question was that they were working for the cause of peace. That’s why they brought 600 people along for the ride? It takes that many people to deliver aide to the Gaza Strip? Here is the thing. For several years now, both Egypt and Israel have been forced to check the ships that come in with supplies to Gaza. Terrorism is a daily fact of life there, something we would not tolerate on this side of the ocean. The attacks in Israel are not front-page news here, but they happen... daily. The fact of the matter is that aide to Gaza is, essentially, aide to Hamas, a known terrorist organization that makes no secret of the fact that they want Israel removed from the map. Hamas will make sure the people living in Gaza, their own Palestinian people, do not have the aide they need. They can’t afford to allow those people to flourish, because by keeping people oppressed and poor and uneducated, terrorists can further their own cause and create more hate. The ships that were boarded were done so in a routine fashion. These particular ones, though, were intending very publicly to run the blockade, to breach the security lines that help to protect the people of Israel. Now, let’s face it; no one else has the balls to stand up and help the Israelis, so they have to take care of themselves, and so we should butt out and let them. The inspection followed the set routine that does not change from ship to ship, but while doing nothing more than what our customs agents do every fucking day in this country, they were attacked, and they were attacked for the ONLY purpose of garnering media attention to those running the blockades. The Israeli forces who were doing the inspection were not heavily armed as the media would like us to think, and they were attacked and beaten for doing their job. It is interesting though, that there were people on board the flotilla who were assigned the task of specifically ‘defending the journalists’, which smacks to me of nothing more than a propaganda load of crap indicating the attempt to aide was nothing more than an opportunity to incite problems for the Israeli government. It matters not if there were weapons found on the damned boats. If there was nothing to hide, there would be no reason to attack those tasked with inspecting the shipments. Had someone tried to breach our borders or our security, they would feel the full brunt of the law, not condemnation from the rest of the world. Governments should hang their heads in shame. Perhaps if Prime Minister Netanyahu could find some oil under their dry, blood-stained soil, they might get more international support. It seems it always comes back to that.

DATELINE: IN THE MARBLE HALLS OF INJUSTICE – In 2005, a boy at a SkyTrain Station in Surrey, BC was beaten to death. The reason for this was because he was wearing a chain around his neck that Katherine Quinn, 22 at the time, wanted for herself. Matthew Martins, 16, fought back, and that prompted Quinn to order her boyfriend, the ball-less, brainless Robert Forslund, to attack. While Quinn screamed ‘If you love me, you will kill him’ to Forslund, the boy was slammed repeatedly into a wall, kicked as he lay on the ground and then had his throat slip with a broken beer bottle... FOR A FUCKING CHAIN ON HIS NECK. There were four witnesses to the crime, all of whom testified at the trials. The Judge hearing the retrial (ordered on a technicality after the first trial saw a guilty verdict for both Quinn and Forslund) said that the four witnesses were not reliable in her opinion, and so Ms Quinn was found ‘not guilty’. Yes, this sick piece of crap who at the very least stood and watched, if not actively participating in, the attack is free to walk the streets. God help anyone who happens to wear something Quinn takes a hankering to, because undoubtedly she now believes, and probably rightly so, that she has the world by the ass and can do nothing that will send her to prison. Our justice system sucks here people. Of course, Comrade Harper won’t give a rat’s ass unless it’s one of his that gets violated. My heartfelt condolences go to the family and friends of Martins, and I hope that means more than the same condolences offered by Madam Justice Baker as she read her verdict and declared justice had indeed been carried out. Justice? My ass.

DATELINE: WHERE BP MAKES ME SLICK TO MY STOMACH – Just when ya think there is nothing more they can do to surprise us, BP manages. A restraining order has been filed against the oil giant... yes, a restraining order, filed by a fisherman who was helping them and who got sick. Here’s how it worked. BP went to the out of work fishermen, out of work because of BP’s incompetence and negligence, and offered to pay them up to $3000 a day to help them with their efforts to stop the spill. These are fishermen who now have no livelihood left. They were taken out where the dispersants are being dropped, dispersants that come with warnings for proper protection in areas where it is being used, protection for the skin and the lungs and all sorts of cool things. But the fishermen were told by BP that if they wore masks to protect their breathing, they would be fired. John Wunstell was one of these fishermen who went out and was around the dispersant, who got sick and ended up being medivac’d to the hospital. Outside the hospital, he was showered and cleaned up in tents set up to work with the people coming in from the oil slick areas. He was then taken into the hospital where he was admitted and treated. When he asked for his clothes back, though, he was informed that BP had taken them and would not be giving them back. The same applied to the other eight fishermen who were taken in to the hospital suffering from upset stomachs, nosebleeds, severe headaches, shortness of breath, nasal irritation... of course, the CEO for BP blames this on ‘food poisoning’ because apparently he has a fucking medical degree too. The oil company’s position on masks was that they did not supply them and they were not needed. They know they were not needed because they were carefully monitoring the air quality. Now, I’m sorry, but if I was told that, I would not be instilled with confidence either at BP’s ability or honesty. There are also reports that anyone who complains about the conditions or the health risks has received threats and so many are hesitant to talk about any of this. How much more of this shit are people going to put up with from a fucking oil company? Come on, Obama, get off the fucking pot and take care of this, before more people die. The cost in lives, a fact that seems to be totally irrelevant to some, has been to fucking high already.

DATELINE: ON OPRAH’S COUCH – Fergie, the Duchess of York, admits she was drunk when she was involved in the sting that found her offering, for a mere $40,000 cash up front and 500,000 pounds payment, access to her ex, Prince Andrew (aka the only hawt royal). She was ‘in the gutter at that moment’, not in her right place, that she was having financial problems, and she is sorry, so everything is just fucking fine, roses everywhere for the royal who just won’t stop adding some spice to Queen Lizzie’s life. Fergie, get a fucking job.

DAILY NEWS – MAY 31st, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MAY 31st, 2010


DATELINE: SO TO BE ON THE TABLOID 'PATHETIC PEOPLE OF THE WORLD'! – Just when you think you heard it all, Sarah Ferguson steps up to the plate and hits the stupid ball out of the park. She was broke, ya see, so under those circumstances, when you are a royal or another of the beautiful people, you are allowed to do damned near anything... and then when that blows up in your face, you go onto Oprah, get some moolah for talking to her, drum up a few new sponsors and start your latest book to exploit your stupid. Some claim she was not able to make the transition from ‘royal’ to ‘ordinary’ as far as her spending went. Funny, but the royals claimed she was not able to make the transition from ‘ordinary’ to ‘royal’ as far as class and poise was concerned (of course, Prince Phillip get a ‘by’ on all issues of class and poise as well, but he has earned that through many years of idiocy). Yes, I suppose the queen was not amused to learn that thorn in her paw was still there, this time selling access to Prince Andrew, the one and only truly beautiful royal... and damn, might I say he is aging well!!


DATELINE: ON A SEA BED, OILED DOWN AND READY FOR MORE SCREWING – On the heels of yet another futile attempt at stopping the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico, some BP internal documents revealed today far more than was ever revealed before Congress – that the oil giant was already aware of some serious safety concerns and problems with the Deepwater Horizon. In June of last year, BP’s own engineers warned that the metal casings the company wanted to use on the rig were substandard according to the company’s own safety policies and design standards. They were warned that the casings could collapse under pressure, but what the fuck? The company went ahead with them anyways despite being fully aware of the risk, and yet, while testify stated that there were no risks taken by the company at all. Further documents also authored by BP’s own engineers pointed out that the casing was ‘unlikely to be a successful cement job’ and that the plan was ‘unable to fulfill MSS regulations’. This, along with the reports from a BP’s internal investigation regarding warning signs of an immediate blowout of the well leading up to the explosion. These included a report to federal regulators from BP that they were experiencing a loss of ‘well control’ and reports that on at least three occasions there was evidence of problems and leaking with the blowout preventer on the well, and yet it never once occurred to these fucking assholes to stop work and fix the problems? Hell no!! Can you imagine what it would cost to stop the well and do something proactive? Why would ANYONE want to piss away money like that? And where the hell was MMS when all this was going on? Oh yeah, being wined and dined and basically bought out by oil companies and allowing them to put off doing mandatory testing of the blowout preventers. While BP lied... ooops... ‘inadvertently’ failed to include all the details of the problems they were facing with their well when submitting information to government agencies, the problems continued until now, after over a month of oil gushing into the ocean, they are still stymied as to how to fix the fucking problem, and continue to turn to their engineers for help – those would be the same engineers they refused to listen to about the problems in the first place. Yes, the President should put a hold on ALL fucking oil wells in the water unless and until they are all thoroughly examined and can prove they are taking the proper steps. This is NOT a situation confined to the Gulf of Mexico or Louisiana fishermen, who are getting totally fucked over, but is far more reaching than that, and since we have seen that one oil company does not deserve even a shred of public trust, the rest of them should be held to account. I am not a terrorist, yet in order to board a plane I have to submit to a myriad of requirements and inspections and inconveniences... other oil companies might not be so fucking irresponsible as BP was, but then they should be more than happy to prove that fact.


DATELINE: ROME, ROME ON THE RANGE – Well, that could be where Pope Benedict’s ass ends up when all this scandal bullshit is said and done. Seemingly the master of the mixed message, in one report the Pope admits that the disease afflicting the Catholic Church comes from inside and requires correction, and in another report... well, not so much. The Associated Press has, through court filings, obtained documentation that shows Cardinal Ratzinger (the current Pope’s previous persona while doing Rottweiler duty for his predecessor J2P2) was asked in 1989 by Bishop Daniel Ryan of Springfield, Illinois, to defrock one Rev Fr Alvin Campbell. It seems that Campbell was a confessed abuser of many children in his parish and even served time for his actions, but Ratzinger, that paragon of fucking virtue and sound logic, denied the request because it lacked ‘the request of Father Campbell himself’. Lemme get this straight: Because the Priest didn’t ask to be defrocked, our Modern Day Inquisitor would not do so? When the hell was it up to the priest to decide that? The church, and the Vatican in particular, seem hell bent on doing anything to protect the church and it’s priests, no matter what the cost in the destruction of human lives. The time delays and bullshit back and forth about a man who abused children is shameful. In this case, as in many others, bishops once again claim that their hands were tied by the tone, rules and examples provided by Rome, and yet the Vatican argues that they had more than enough opportunity to deal with the issues. This of course follows the Vatican’s other attempt to allow shit to flow down-hill... by claiming that legal suits brought against Bishops for inaction were for the Bishops alone to deal with; Bishops are NOT employees of the Vatican and so the Vatican cannot be held responsible. My number one rule... when they start to pull out the bullshit legal babble and justification, it means that they have no doubt they are guilty as sin but are too fucking feckless to acknowledge just how hugely they have fucked up. Funny how no one, though, comments on where the responsibility of the Cardinals might be... guess we have more than enough proof of that already with the fact that Cardinal Bernard Law was allowed in the last conclave and is still doing his thing in Vatican City. It’s all bullshit. It’s time it was dealt with.


DATELINE: ON A GREEN, LESS ANNOYING PLANET – Studies from Michigan State University show that the use of solar panels is causing a crisis of insect-sized proportions. The shiny dark surface of the panels is confusing to bugs who lay their eggs on water (like mosquitoes) and so the stupid little bug-gers lay their eggs on the panels instead. Yes, the eggs get sizzle-fried, and voila! No more mosquitoes. Now, the researchers say this is a terrible thing, and I suppose for the mosquitoes it might be, but I fail to see the point, especially if I am not getting the point of their pointy proboscises in my ass. Yes, I know there are other species who lay eggs on the water, and yes, i know its not right to mess with the balance of nature, but you have to admit... a way to save money AND get rid of mosquitoes at the same time is pretty much a win/win scenario.


DATELINE: SOUTH KOREA -- A baby is dead because her parents could not stop playing games at internet cafes. Her father, 41-years-old and her mother, 25, were sentenced to two years, which is disgusting enough, BUT the mother will not be doing any time, because, well... somewhere inbetween internet games and cafes, she managed to get knocked up again. Yes, this woman is going to have another one. The little girl that died had struggled against the odds after a premature birth. She was fed one bottle a day, when her parents remembered, and often the formula in that bottle was sour with age. Her parents found her dead in their apartment when they returned home from an all-nighter on the internet gaming rounds. They had left their baby unattended. She died of malnutrition. These people should not be allowed to procreate; they abused that privelege and should never have access to children or computers again.

DAILY NEWS – MAY 20th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MAY 20th, 2010

DATELINE: WAITING FOR SPONGEBOOB – In yet another ‘interesting’, albeit not surprising, revelation today, BP acknowledged that just maybe their estimates of how much oil was gushing into the ocean were a bit optimistic. Just a bit? Their siphon that is supposedly capturing only a small percentage of the spilling oil is picking up 5000 barrels a day, ergo... I fucking love when I can use albeit and ergo on the same day... ergo their estimates for the last month are just a small percentage of what is actually devastating the ocean. Some scientists and engineers have been stating they believed the well to be spilling at a rate of 20,000 to 100,000 barrels a day, something that was poo-pooed by BP, but now, hmmm, kinda hard to argue that point. Besides, who the fuck is going to believe one word that BP has to offer about the spill now? The oil has managed to get past the booms set out to protect vulnerable areas, is now approaching the mouth of the Mississippi, is now into the Loop Stream and being carried through precious coral beds and around the panhandle, and is splashing ashore in a heavy gooey mess that no plant or animal will be able to survive without intervention, and even then it will be doubtful. So much for the fucking booms. BP has also been spraying dispersant on the oil slicks, meant to make the oil sink to the sea bed. Whoop-de-fucking-do. It won’t be washing around in the waves, but it will still do just as much damage and what the hell happens to it down the road? But today BP was told by the EPA that they have one day to select a different dispersant and three days to get in sprayed on the spills. Why? Because out of the 18 dispersants approved by the EPA, the one BP is using, Corexit 9500, is one of the most toxic and least effective on the list. Yahoo! I am shocked. It was probably the cheapest on the fucking list too, because God knows, BP wants to scrape every penny it can for that next upcoming round of executive bonuses.

DATELINE: LONDON, IN MANY NIGHTMARES NOW! – The mascots for the 2012 Olympic Games in London were unveiled to much applau... well, to some applau.... honestly? To a hell of a lot of people going What the Fuck Are They? And what the hell were the designers smoking when they thought that up? These one-eyed things that look like shiny sperms, or perhaps giant vibrators with arms (especially since they only each have one eye) are named Wenlock and Mandeville, both names having significance to the history of the Olympics and the Paralympic Games. Nice names... but what the hell is the rest of this about? The two mascots are supposedly drops of molten metal dripped in the final stages of the building of the Olympic Stadium and taken home by a retiring worker where they were turned into... sperm-like things... for his grandchildren to play with. These ‘things’ are topped off with taxi lights on their heads, for whatever reason. We’ve come a long, and rather scary, way from the days of the first mascot, Waldi, the colourful striped dachshund of the 1972 Munich games. On the good side, after revealing Sperm One and Sperm Two, there is only UP to go from here for the planning of the London Olympics, right?

DATELINE: WHAT THE FUCK PLANET DO THESE IDIOTS LIVE ON? – Imagine being on the county payroll, going into work one day and being told that you had been overpaid and need to return the money. Then imagine that the overpayment occurred 16 years earlier. Such is life if you live in Lawrenceville, Ga. The county’s CFO has decided now is the time to ‘clean up receivables’ and where else to do that but from the employees who were paid bonuses in 1994. They are not being unreasonable about this though... the employees can apply the money to vacation leave or just pay the county the cash. Now, first off, I have a hard time believing this crap is even legal. It should fall under the category of ‘you snoozed, you lose’ and the person who made the fucking mistake should be on the hook for it, not the people who did the work, got a bonus and are now being screwed over. And what about the employees from back then who are gone, moved, dead, changed jobs... how does the county plan on getting the money from them, because I can tell you right now, if they came to me with a fucking bill like this, I would gladly submit a receipt that showed the money was used to purchase food, and offer to pay them back with crap.

DATELINE: HANNAH NOT MADE IN MONTANA – Wal-Mart is pulling an entire line of Miley Cyrus crap jewellery trinket shit from their shelves because it is all... wait for it... toxic. The jewellery trinket stuff is, which is truly a wonderful irony, even a metaphor for the situation. Now, to be fair, most jewellery contains metal cadmium, and it is not harmful when worn as jewellery. The problem arises when young children are exposed to the jewellery because if they put any of it in their mouths, the metal cadmium becomes very toxic. The kicker, though, is that Wal-Mart was aware of the problem in February, but decided at that time to play the ‘stupid’ game, stating first that it had no way to test products already on the shelves, then saying that it was not intended to be purchased by children. What the fuck? It’s Miley Cyrus. Who the hell else is gonna wear that crap? My guy comes in with a gift box and there is a Hannah Fucking Montana charm in it for me, that charm is gonna be shoved up my guys ass so far it will not stop till it pops out his left fucking ear. Of course kids are gonna wear it and stick it in their mouths because kids stick everything but vegetables into their damned mouths. Once AP broke the story of the metal cadmium content, though, Wal-Mart decided to man up and pulled the crap from their shelves. Perhaps it might behoove both Wal-Mart and Miss Montana to pay attention to where their products are made as well, but apparently that lesson is just too fucking hard for any of these idiots to grasp.

DATELINE: HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN? – In a story that is both astounding and promising, a deal has been struck for the management of over 72 million hectares of forest. The unlikely partnership? Between Canadian conservation and environmental protection groups and, you might have to sit down for this one, major Canadian logging and timber companies. Yes, two entities, two opposites in the form of NGO’s and Corporate Canada, managed to sit down and get their shit together. They have agreed in basic terms what areas of the forests will be preserved, where caution must be exercised, what sort of environmental situations are in each one and what areas are okay for logging. The two adversaries have realized that co-operation is the only way to proceed, and they did it totally behind the scenes, with no Bru-ha-ha or fanfare and without any government involvement or interference. Now that the bare bones have been worked out in what could well be a landmark co-operation, more groups will be brought in for their input and advice, and the group will slowly grow to make sure that all voices are heard and all needs are met. Thank the Lord there might still be some people left in the world who do give a shit and are ready to work together to accomplish one goal with benefits for all. Can you imagine what the fuck could be done if government parties could be this fucking mature and enlightened?