I'M BAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAACK

DAILY NEWS -- JUNE 26th, 2010

DATELINE: SEQUESTERED IN BELGIUM – Oh my dear Lord! Can you fucking believe it??? While police searched a church looking for any and all evidence relating to sexual abuse, the bishops that were inside the church were required to stay there!!! GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome to the real fucking world, asshats! Yes, when police are searching in the course of an investigation, they typically don’t let those who might be involved or might have evidence on them run amok just because they carry a cross and dress in vestments. Apparently the Vatican thinks those purple and red robes offer diplomatic immunity. Apparently the Vatican should fucking suck it up and realize that the free ride is over. They have no credibility, they have done nothing to garner trust especially in matters relating to sexual misconduct and the covering up thereof, so why the hell should they be allowed to fucking dine and stroll around while police are performing a LEGAL AUTHORIZED search of the premises? The Vatican is ‘astonished’? Well whoop-de-fucking-doo for them! It’s time for them all to man up, and to perhaps look into buying some extra supplies of soap, just to make their transition to jail cells a little more easy, because you KNOW once a couple of those fucking assholes get in there, they will be prime picking at the new boy toys on the block... and it couldn’t happen to a better bunch.

DATELINE: ON THE GOOD SHIP LOOSE LIPS AS SHE STARTS TO SINK – I can’t help but notice that all those wonderful, loyal staffers of General McChrystal, those ones who he said ‘would die for him’ all of a sudden seem pretty... well... unwilling to politically die for him. What a fucking shock that is. While saying that their comments were clearly off the record when speaking to a reporter from Rolling Stone, they seem to gloss over the fact that they should have kept their mouths shut in the first place. Now that McChrystal is packing his bags, and I will admit honourably bearing the responsibility for the asinine comments made by his staff, it seems all of them have found the fucking duct tape. Yes, not one has come forward to claim ownership of the many anonymous quotes that skewered the General, not one of them has come forward in defence of the man, not one of them has said ‘Hey, It was me babbling and speaking when I shouldn’t have, and not really him!’ Noooo, these staffers are too fucking busy covering their own asses. The whole incident with the magazine seems to be mired in the utmost stupidity... government/military/bureaucratic pencil pushers speaking to the press and forgetting the number one rule about that (which, let’s face it, we all know that whatever is said IS on the record), and a reporter who claims that he had no idea there would be any fallout from the article. What the fuck planet do these people live on? Of course there would be fallout, and of course what was said, especially when slurred through booze-drenched lips is going to come back to bite you. The first question I have to ask is ‘who the hell else have these idiots been spewing off to about military operations, or God knows what else?’ In their drunken reverie did they happen to laugh out the location of the next counterinsurgency efforts, or perhaps the placement of some hidden munitions? They were sitting and sipping and dancing and singing, after all. The bottom line is the buck stops with McChrystal, and at least he had the fucking balls to acknowledge and accept – he has taken the high road, such as it is, while those around him scurry around in the gutters of self-preservation. It’s to be hoped though, that General Pataeus will make sure his ship is clear of such vermin.

DATELINE: CLUSTERFUCK, GULF OF MEXICO – During my hiatus, I had to quietly bite my tongue whenever there was more ‘developments’ in what truly is the clusterfuck of the century. In true Murphy’s Law form, if something could go wrong, it did – and now cleanup and containment efforts get to deal with the latest development... tropical storms/hurricanes that will do nothing to help the cause. So we sit and wait for the relief well, hoping like hell it will actually be where it is supposed to be and will do what it is supposed to do, something that is hugely far from certain still, but it seems to be the only hope we can cling to. Oh, and we can pray... because that seems to be as effective as anything else that is being tried out there. Sorry, but BP being left to solve and clean up this mess is like asking an arsonist to investigate the fucking fire he started. And the moratorium... don’t get me started. So here, from Bambi’s Book of All that Should Just Be Fucking Common Sense, is what should happen. BP should NOT be allowed anywhere near that mess. They should not be allowed to clean it, to investigate it, to participate in it or collect the fucking oil from it. There are government agencies with the knowledge, equipment and ability to do all that BP is doing and more, and they could do it with a whole hell of a lot more credibility. BP should be to fucking busy answering questions, and accounting for absolutely every fucking shortcut they took, every rule they broke, and every god damned MSS employee they paid off in whatever way... and none of that bullshit that Hayward seems to think substitutes as an answer as he saves his sorry ass. They have created an environmental disaster of epic proportions, and they should not be allowed the luxury of time to cover their asses with ‘I don’t remember’ and ‘I wasn’t part of that particular decision’. As far as MSS goes, because they certainly have a hand in this crap, Salazar should be sharing a bench with McChrystal, and if there is a god, McChrystal will take those legendary nanchuks to Salazar’s fucking empty head and beat the crap out of him. This was the man who was supposed to be responsible for MMS, who was supposed to be cleaning up the corruption within the department and making sure that oil companies were complying with all rules and guidelines. Instead, he bellied up to the fucking bar, held no one accountable, and now his head should be on the fucking chopping block without any hesitation or questions. Obama... stand up and be a commander, please. Why the hell anyone waited for BP to deal with this issue is beyond me, because they had no business doing that, and they had absolutely no credibility or interest in the overall good. The fact that BP cares only about its bank accounts is more than reason enough to get their asses out of there. And instead of pissing around with court challenges about moratoriums that will ONLY make the situation worse for the people trying to live down there, get off yer fucking asses and inspect the damned wells that are there, one by one, making sure they are all accountable and have the proper safety, emergency and contingency plans and equipment where it should be. You don’t need a fucking moratorium... just get off your asses and do your jobs. Oh, and one final thing... can we PLEASE toss Sarah Palin overboard from one of those fucking platforms? She could help BP with their research on protecting the walruses in the Gulf.

DATELINE: WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE – AND WITH DAMNED GOOD REASON – Imagine it... a pub in London... a fundraiser for a local hospital... and a bunch of men preparing to be waxed. If you have any brains at all, you can see what’s coming... and it ain’t gonna be Joe Cooper, at least not for a while, since he almost had his balls ripped off when he agreed to a Brazilian intimate waxing. Those who donated were allowed to have a tug at the wax strips. What the hell sort of sane person comes up with this shit? Seriously, some guy is gonna walk into a pub, slap his good on the table, let someone wax em up with hot wax, and then let other drunken sots pull the strips off? He ended up in the hospital with more than the fuzz removed from his peaches. And yes, I have to say, if a guy is that fucking stupid and I was there, you know for damned sure, I too would tug on the strip. How could you not?

DATELINE: BESIDE A LAKE THAT IS FAKE, JUST LIKE THE MAN WHO BUILT IT – Welcome to the most expense ever fucking G8 or G20 summits. Yes, we know how to do things right in Canada. We build phoney lakes in an area that is filled with the most beautiful real ones imaginable. We build new outhouses, line the streets with gold, and then... we tell the rest of the world how to manage their money because we know how to do it best. Nothing tops the arrogant meter for Comrade Harper quite like this one. The rest of the world is looking for austerity and fiscal responsibility and accountability, and how better to show them just those quality than by filling a fake lake with fake fucking canoes. It is a perfect metaphor for the Canadian Government, a show of smoke and mirrors and ‘ohhhh shiny’ that is the essence of the current government. And what is Ignatieff doing to protect us from this crap? Who the hell knows and who the hell cares, because he is probably doing not a god damned thing, and still he will manage to it up. It’s a gift the man has, and sadly we will be paying for both assholes for a long time.

DAILY NEWS – MAY 31st, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MAY 31st, 2010


DATELINE: SO TO BE ON THE TABLOID 'PATHETIC PEOPLE OF THE WORLD'! – Just when you think you heard it all, Sarah Ferguson steps up to the plate and hits the stupid ball out of the park. She was broke, ya see, so under those circumstances, when you are a royal or another of the beautiful people, you are allowed to do damned near anything... and then when that blows up in your face, you go onto Oprah, get some moolah for talking to her, drum up a few new sponsors and start your latest book to exploit your stupid. Some claim she was not able to make the transition from ‘royal’ to ‘ordinary’ as far as her spending went. Funny, but the royals claimed she was not able to make the transition from ‘ordinary’ to ‘royal’ as far as class and poise was concerned (of course, Prince Phillip get a ‘by’ on all issues of class and poise as well, but he has earned that through many years of idiocy). Yes, I suppose the queen was not amused to learn that thorn in her paw was still there, this time selling access to Prince Andrew, the one and only truly beautiful royal... and damn, might I say he is aging well!!


DATELINE: ON A SEA BED, OILED DOWN AND READY FOR MORE SCREWING – On the heels of yet another futile attempt at stopping the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico, some BP internal documents revealed today far more than was ever revealed before Congress – that the oil giant was already aware of some serious safety concerns and problems with the Deepwater Horizon. In June of last year, BP’s own engineers warned that the metal casings the company wanted to use on the rig were substandard according to the company’s own safety policies and design standards. They were warned that the casings could collapse under pressure, but what the fuck? The company went ahead with them anyways despite being fully aware of the risk, and yet, while testify stated that there were no risks taken by the company at all. Further documents also authored by BP’s own engineers pointed out that the casing was ‘unlikely to be a successful cement job’ and that the plan was ‘unable to fulfill MSS regulations’. This, along with the reports from a BP’s internal investigation regarding warning signs of an immediate blowout of the well leading up to the explosion. These included a report to federal regulators from BP that they were experiencing a loss of ‘well control’ and reports that on at least three occasions there was evidence of problems and leaking with the blowout preventer on the well, and yet it never once occurred to these fucking assholes to stop work and fix the problems? Hell no!! Can you imagine what it would cost to stop the well and do something proactive? Why would ANYONE want to piss away money like that? And where the hell was MMS when all this was going on? Oh yeah, being wined and dined and basically bought out by oil companies and allowing them to put off doing mandatory testing of the blowout preventers. While BP lied... ooops... ‘inadvertently’ failed to include all the details of the problems they were facing with their well when submitting information to government agencies, the problems continued until now, after over a month of oil gushing into the ocean, they are still stymied as to how to fix the fucking problem, and continue to turn to their engineers for help – those would be the same engineers they refused to listen to about the problems in the first place. Yes, the President should put a hold on ALL fucking oil wells in the water unless and until they are all thoroughly examined and can prove they are taking the proper steps. This is NOT a situation confined to the Gulf of Mexico or Louisiana fishermen, who are getting totally fucked over, but is far more reaching than that, and since we have seen that one oil company does not deserve even a shred of public trust, the rest of them should be held to account. I am not a terrorist, yet in order to board a plane I have to submit to a myriad of requirements and inspections and inconveniences... other oil companies might not be so fucking irresponsible as BP was, but then they should be more than happy to prove that fact.


DATELINE: ROME, ROME ON THE RANGE – Well, that could be where Pope Benedict’s ass ends up when all this scandal bullshit is said and done. Seemingly the master of the mixed message, in one report the Pope admits that the disease afflicting the Catholic Church comes from inside and requires correction, and in another report... well, not so much. The Associated Press has, through court filings, obtained documentation that shows Cardinal Ratzinger (the current Pope’s previous persona while doing Rottweiler duty for his predecessor J2P2) was asked in 1989 by Bishop Daniel Ryan of Springfield, Illinois, to defrock one Rev Fr Alvin Campbell. It seems that Campbell was a confessed abuser of many children in his parish and even served time for his actions, but Ratzinger, that paragon of fucking virtue and sound logic, denied the request because it lacked ‘the request of Father Campbell himself’. Lemme get this straight: Because the Priest didn’t ask to be defrocked, our Modern Day Inquisitor would not do so? When the hell was it up to the priest to decide that? The church, and the Vatican in particular, seem hell bent on doing anything to protect the church and it’s priests, no matter what the cost in the destruction of human lives. The time delays and bullshit back and forth about a man who abused children is shameful. In this case, as in many others, bishops once again claim that their hands were tied by the tone, rules and examples provided by Rome, and yet the Vatican argues that they had more than enough opportunity to deal with the issues. This of course follows the Vatican’s other attempt to allow shit to flow down-hill... by claiming that legal suits brought against Bishops for inaction were for the Bishops alone to deal with; Bishops are NOT employees of the Vatican and so the Vatican cannot be held responsible. My number one rule... when they start to pull out the bullshit legal babble and justification, it means that they have no doubt they are guilty as sin but are too fucking feckless to acknowledge just how hugely they have fucked up. Funny how no one, though, comments on where the responsibility of the Cardinals might be... guess we have more than enough proof of that already with the fact that Cardinal Bernard Law was allowed in the last conclave and is still doing his thing in Vatican City. It’s all bullshit. It’s time it was dealt with.


DATELINE: ON A GREEN, LESS ANNOYING PLANET – Studies from Michigan State University show that the use of solar panels is causing a crisis of insect-sized proportions. The shiny dark surface of the panels is confusing to bugs who lay their eggs on water (like mosquitoes) and so the stupid little bug-gers lay their eggs on the panels instead. Yes, the eggs get sizzle-fried, and voila! No more mosquitoes. Now, the researchers say this is a terrible thing, and I suppose for the mosquitoes it might be, but I fail to see the point, especially if I am not getting the point of their pointy proboscises in my ass. Yes, I know there are other species who lay eggs on the water, and yes, i know its not right to mess with the balance of nature, but you have to admit... a way to save money AND get rid of mosquitoes at the same time is pretty much a win/win scenario.


DATELINE: SOUTH KOREA -- A baby is dead because her parents could not stop playing games at internet cafes. Her father, 41-years-old and her mother, 25, were sentenced to two years, which is disgusting enough, BUT the mother will not be doing any time, because, well... somewhere inbetween internet games and cafes, she managed to get knocked up again. Yes, this woman is going to have another one. The little girl that died had struggled against the odds after a premature birth. She was fed one bottle a day, when her parents remembered, and often the formula in that bottle was sour with age. Her parents found her dead in their apartment when they returned home from an all-nighter on the internet gaming rounds. They had left their baby unattended. She died of malnutrition. These people should not be allowed to procreate; they abused that privelege and should never have access to children or computers again.

DAILY NEWS – MAY 12th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MAY 12th, 2010

DATELINE: ANN ARBOR, 50 YEARS AGO – In an attempt to ‘close the achievement gap between white and black students’, a school principal came up with a truly stunning plan... he would create yet another gap, and then be outraged at the response. Lemme explain. Principal Mike Madison arranged for a field trip for some young students. They were to go to hear a black rocket scientist speak to them, to learn about his successes, his challenges. But instead of sending all the students in the class, he allowed only the black children to go, and he says he doesn’t regret that because ‘as I reflect upon the look of excitement, enthusiasm and energy that I saw in these children’s eyes as they stood in the presence of a renowned African American rocket scientist in a very successful position, it gave the kids an opportunity to see this type of achievement is possible even for them’. It’s a wonderful feeling, to see a child inspired, but why just one group? What about the Hispanic students? Were they allowed to go, or not? What about Muslim students? Or Jewish students? Why would one child be more worthy of that inspiration than another? Would not a black child get the same message while sharing the experience with friends who are not black? Instead, we take a group of 5th-graders, and we tell them that because of their skin color, they are more or less deserving of inspiration and dreams. This was absolutely reprehensible in the past. People have worked long hours to fight for the cause of equality, to teach people that their race, color, religion are not issues to be judged on, and yet here is a principal in a school doing just that. Nothing like setting the cause back 50 years for a new generation. The proof of the pudding? Well, when the bus transporting the children who were privileged enough to go returned to the school, the other children booed them. We are talking about 5th-graders, for God’s sake. How else would you expect them to react? How else would you expect them to feel? This small step by a man with incredibly poor judgment in Ann Arbor, was nothing more than a giant step backwards for the cause of equal rights... and more importantly, for equal, mutual respect among people.

DATELINE: IN A DINGY, PROBABLY AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA -- A few days ago I blogged about the Somali pirates that had taken the Russian oil tanker hostage, and how the Russians managed to free the ship and the men on it, but that they were going to return the pirates to Somalia rather than prosecute them in Russia. Well, in an interesting turn of events, it would seem that instead of taking the pirates into custody at all, they were tossed into an inflatable boat and set adrift... just as the pirates used to do back in those wonderful days hundreds of years ago when they captured a prize and didn’t want the crew. International reaction to the news of no prosecution by the Russians was one of surprise, but the surprise at this development seems to have had even more impact. The pirates were given a radio beacon, but the Russian ship lost contact with that after one hour, so they assume the dingy went down with all men aboard. I cannot imagine that to be left to drown in the ocean would be a pleasant way to go, however, there is also the possibility that these pirates were picked up, free as birds, by some of the other pirates that frequent those shipping corridors. So, just how was justice served here? If there was not enough evidence to convict the pirates, as the Russians claim (although them forcefully taking a ship and then being captured in the process of taking said ship should have been pretty compelling evidence to start with), then how do they know the pirates should have been facing death by drowning and shark snacks? And if they were guilty, and they were rescued along the way, it is one hell of an example of what happens to pirates when captured... absolutely nothing. Well done. The next people attack, captured and killed by Somali pirates will know exactly who to thank... those Russians.

DATELINE: ISTANBUL, NOT CONSTANTINOPLE – I love this... a story we can all embrace. Under a flood of complaints about tuneless, terrible calls to prayer, Istanbul’s head of religious affairs came up with a totally brilliant idea. He arranged for the imams and muezzins to take singing lessons. The call to prayer is meant to be beautiful and reflective, but the off-beat, tone-deaf cat-in-a-street-fight noises had everyone in the city cringing. Already Imams are feeling the difference, are rejoicing more in their call to prayers. There are some though, who sadly will just never be able to improve, BUT they are at least trying, and the plan is creating a new peace over the city. Well done.

DATELINE: LONDON – The trial in a case where an eight-year-old girl was raped has now gotten underway; the accused? Two boys who were ten at the time of the attack. The boys had taken the girl, who they knew well, to a secluded field near their block of flats. The girl’s mother had gone looking for her when she did not come home with her little sister. She asked one boy, a little brother of one of the accused, and was told that the girl was in the field and the boys were hurting her. The girl was found and taken to hospital when she complained of stomach pains. Two ten-year-olds... what the hell is our society coming to?

DATELINE: THE GULF OF MEXICO – A new containment box, this one smaller than the last so it can be heated with water and methanol, is now being lowered onto the blown-out oil well on the seabed. On Thursday, remote controlled robots will try to position it over the leak, and BP still plans to go ahead with their ‘junk shot’ of using high pressure to shoot garb into the valve to plug it. The irony of shooting chewed-up tires and golf balls into an exploding hole in the ground is sickening. The back-up for both these plans is still the drilling of a relief well to take pressure off the gusher and allow it to be capped. However, that will not happen for about another three months, and by that time, the damages will be incalculable. While fishermen work frantically to harvest what catches they can in an attempt to not lose everything they own, six dead dolphins have washed ashore. This is the time of year they would be in shallow waters to give birth. This is also the time when sea turtles, also being found dead on shores, are preparing to lay their eggs, and when manatees start to migrate back towards the sea. While there is some hope that sea birds can be helped, for those animals that live totally in the water, where human contact won’t happen until it is too late to help them, this is a signed and sealed death warrant.

Yes, I'm Back! Didja miss me?

DAILY NEWS – May 7th, 2010

DATELINE: A HOLE IN THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA – Remember that kid’s song? Fans of Grover are probably humming the damned thing already. Today an attempt is being made to put a box on the hole on the bottom of the sea, right over top of that leaking oil well pipe in the Gulf of Mexico. On top of the box will be a hose that will connect to an oil tanker that will sit on the water above. While I applaud the men attempting this gargantuan task, I am still left with some concerns... like what the hell happens in two months, when they still haven’t actually fixed the damned leak, and the boats are sitting on top, and hurricane season arrives? And what about the other 15-20% of the oil that will still be escaping from the blown valve on the seabed? While it won’t be spewing the same 5000 barrels a day, it WILL be releasing about 1000 barrels of oil a day, the same amount that was estimated on Day 2 of this fucking debacle, the same amount that caused concern globally because of the huge amount of oil that was. I guess all things are relative, but tell that to the sea turtles, the manatees, the whales, the dolphins... tell that to the fishermen who make their living in that water, harvesting shrimp and tuna and oysters. This is the cost of getting into bed with the oil companies, and you ain’t seen nothing yet, because phase two will involved those OTHER asshole bottom-feeders, the insurance companies. I can’t help but notice the absence of Sarah Palin, her echoed chant of Drill Baby, Drill, silenced at least for now. Of course , we know that she has already firmly implanted on the prick of BP oil, her call being nothing more than orgasmic reassurance to the driller, and right now, it’s probably safe to assume that these days BP is having a bit of a time getting it up for her. No worries... with the help of oil-bought-and-paid-for government and some Viagra (I fucking love getting in a smart-ass obtuse reference to pharmaceutical companies, that other bottom-feeder) , it will be business as usual, BP will be humping their way back to the top, there will be no Acoustic Switches installed on the fucking wells in deep water, and Goldman Sachs will be back in the hot seat... such as it was. (YES! I got them all in one post... except the fecking Pope. Damn.)


DATELINE: ASSHOLES THAT SHOULD BE IN THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA – For too long now, Somali pirate have been running amok on international waters, pillaging and plundering wherever their hearts desire. Finally, early this week, Russian forces stormed a Russian oil tanker that had been taken hostage by pirates. Finally some of those rotten buggers were going to be stopped... until Russia let them go again this morning. I can hear you all asking ‘But why were they released? They were pirates.’ Of course they were, but thanks to slack-ass international laws and the inability of nations to do anything together anymore, Russia decided ‘Why should we feed some pirates?’ Yes, they did not want the expense of putting the assholes in jail because it of the length of time it takes to process them for court and because they don’t know what the hell to do with the pirates once their jail term is up. Well, folks, there is a simple answer to this, isn’t there? Don’t let the sons of bitches out... OR dedicate some small arctic island to be a Pirate haven, and just drop em there and let them all kill each other, as pirates may be wont to do. In all seriousness, the last ship that pirates seized was carrying over $55M dollars worth of cargo in the form of crude oil, something that would have created... lemme think... oh yeah, one hell of a fucking mess if the assholes in the driver’s seat happened to bump into something. Countries that have boats travelling the waters anywhere hear Somalia, like the one or two vessels that happen to pass through the Gulf of Aden each day, are spending huge amounts of money to have those waters patrolled, but the fact of the matter is that as long as the pirates are not even detained, it is a stamp of approval for them to carry on with procuring their ill-gotten booty. How the hell hard can it possibly be to come to some sort of international agreement about this shit? Oh wait... considering those other pirates, those lovely bankers wearing Goldman Sachs solid gold cufflinks, I suppose it’s rather stupid to suspect anyone will do anything about piracy anymore. Too bad the new pirates aren’t as endearing as Calico Jack and Anne Bonny.


DATELINE: SPEAKING OF ASSHOLES – We now know for certain where Osama bin Laden is hiding, and how did we find out? Years of undercover investigation and espionage, spy vs spy crap? Hell no. We got the tip from none other than that man of the hour, that pillar of honesty and handsome Boy-Scoutedness, **insert drum roll** Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Seriously, if Mahmoud says he knows, then he MUST, right? Because Mahmoud would never tell a lie. He’s sort of like George Washington that way... or was it Benedict Arnold? No matter... Mahmoud says that Bin Laden is hiding in the most clever of locations... Washington DC. Now, say what you will about the Iranian nut bar, but you have to admit that he’s ballsy, and once in a while, he does get a jab in there that just has to make you giggle. Why does he think that bin Laden is hiding in Washington? Well, “because he was a previous partner of Mr. Bush. They were colleagues, in fact, in the old days. You know that. They were in the oil business together. They worked together. Mr. bin Laden never cooperated with Iran but he cooperated with Mr. Bush.” He further explained his logic, and he did it without laughing his fucking head off. He suggested that since the US government invaded Adghanistan looking for bin Laden, they must have had intelligence he was there. “First they should have tried to find his location, then invade, those who did not know about his location first they invaded and then they tried to find out where he is, is that logic?” In the battle of the lying dummies, chalk one up for Mahmoud on the old leader board. Too bad he feels the need to dabble in nuclear proliferation and is wanting to get into bed with those other two wild and crazy... really, seriously crazy... guys Putin and Chavez. He keeps that up and those men with real balls will be taking care of him, quickly and quietly, like a mossad in the night, and then I won’t have anyone to entertain me... except Sarah Palin.

DATELINE: APPARENTLY ITS AN ASSHOLE THEME – What do you do when you are babysitting and the house starts fire? Twelve-year-old Aaliyah Braybrook thought that she should get the children and pets out and call 911 when it happened to her two years ago when one of her two small charges went into the bathroom and started to play with a cigarette lighter. This week, however, she learned she was wrong about that when she was served with legal papers. Yes, she and Douglas Mills, the father of the children she was babysitting are both being sued for $350,000. Mills apparently left a lighter where his son could get it, and never bothered to teach the five year old the proper method of using a cigarette lighter, and so he has been named in the suit. And Aaliyah? She was too young, too inexperienced and not sufficiently trained as a babysitter, according to the suit filed in court, despite the fact that she had taken courses in babysitting. Yes, the day of hiring a babysitter seems to be going right down the crapper. In an interesting twist, it seems that the claimants in the case are... wait for it... Douglas Mills’ parents, who lived in the trailer next door. Their trailer, apparently a Cadillac trailer worth $350,000, was slightly damaged in the fire. BUT in another exciting, yet slightly nauseating twist, the elder Mills couple knew nothing about the case that was filed in their names. Instead, their insurance company that had to pay out for repairs to their home, filed the suit on their behalf, hoping to reclaim the cost of damages (and them some) by bleeding the insurance company of the girl who rescued the two children. If there is anything that makes me want to puke, its greedy fucking asshole insurance companies... but yes, we have em. Not surprising, the names of the insurance providers involved are not being made public.

DATELINE: HOLY GIANT BEAVER, BATMAN!! – It has to be a giant beaver, the dream come true for every hot-blooded man with primal instincts for the hunt of old and a driving desire to run his hands through that magnificent pelt, that could make a dam this big. For all you who don’t speak Canadian, you are outta luck because I am not going to translate this... the damn is about 850 meters long... suffice to day that is one damned big dam. Scientists believe that the dam, visible in NASA satellite images, probably took about twenty years to build, a feat that requires much cooperation and coordination, and lots of beavers actually working. One wonders if we can’t send our fucking politicians there for a business lesson in how to get the dam job done.

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 29th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 29th, 2010

DATELINE: WALLSTREET -- Lloyd Blankfein claims that since Goldman Sachs is a ‘market maker’, they are automatically absolved from any fiduciary responsibility to its clients for any bullshit piece of crap deal they set up for their clients. Their only responsibility was to provide money for Goldman Sachs…themselves and their designer pockets. Even as they KNEW the disaster they were inflicting on millions of people, they were still selling fucking crap to (ie robbing) widows and little old ladies, knowing that it would destroy the purchaser. You see, apparently the financial industry has changed in the last 15 years, and because big business had stopped going to Goldman Sachs for ‘solid investment’ guidance but rather for them to broker deals that most likely screwed over someone else, it was apparently okay to fuck over every one of their OTHER not big-business clients… the ones who would lose their homes, their pensions, their jobs, their entire life, because they were on the other side of the equation—the ‘bend over and smile cause we are gonna screw ya’ side. But THAT’S okay, because this is business, and Goldman Sachs had NO moral responsibility to anyone other than the big dogs while they sat and licked their wounds about not being the total fucking be-all-and-end-all in dishing out advice on how people should invest. No, they did not hold a gun to anyone’s head to make them spend the money, BUT they did have a reputation of being Goldman Gurus, and so whatever they said had to be right. Funny, but fraudsters don’t typically hold guns to anyone’s head either, not do Catholic priests with overactive penises looking for anything available to fuck over. So, it seems to me that the one sure way to determine the integrity of ANY bank manager or financial advisor is really very simple – they should be forced to disclose how much money they lined their pockets with in wages and bonuses for a three-year period, and based on that, the ones who have something even remotely approaching a realistic normal amount are probably the ones with at least a smattering of morals. Unless and until the public gets detail accounts of the amounts of money that these pricks from Goldman Sachs made while they watched the rest of the world, yes, the world, burn, they will have zero credibility and prove only that they are arrogant asshole crooks in Armani suits. For that reason, every one of those men sitting at the table in front of the Senate Subcommittee, should no longer be allowed to manage money for ANYONE ever again, because their warped sense of self-righteousness, entitlement and ethics more than proves they have no intention to ever change how they do business. They are the pedophiles of the financial world. Lock the assholes away.

DATELINE: IN THE EMERGENCY WARD, GETTING HIS FOOT OUT OF HIS MOUTH – You just have to love these stories, the ones where politicians, all polish and sparkle and teleprompters, forget all that crap when wearing a microphone. Gordon Brown followed in the footsteps of George Bush, Jean Cretien and Ronald Reagan, voicing his not-delicately stated editorial opinion of someone with whom they just dealt. I totally LOVE how the first thing British Prime Minister Gordon Brown wanted to know was who had arranged for him to meet the lady he was talking to – and NOT that he was a total fucking idiot. To be fair, I thought he handled her comments adequately, so I am not sure what he was so worried about as he walked away from the on-the-street interview while he was campaigning this week. However, in reading through the MANY available transcripts of his interaction with the senior constituent, I have not seen ANYTHING that she said that makes her a bigot. She asked about all the immigration, just one line, about all the immigration they have experienced from eastern Europe. She has a right to ask that. Perhaps it was that buried between the lines of her short one-sentence comment about the issue, there was what could be maybe stretched to imply an editorial comment on political correctness and how it might be wrong to ask about the issue, but it was an issue nonetheless, and to be honest, all this politically correct crap only allows more opportunities to be politically incorrect for whatever the hell is the reason of the day. Gordon Brown is, as well, entitled to his opinion and certainly he should be allowed to it while in the privacy of his own chauffeur-driven car, however he said a mouthful about HIS intolerance to the concerns of the people he so wants to represent. Start packing, Gordo, because I think you are gonna be out house-hunting in very short order.

DATELINE: CHINA – Apparently even when the flame dies down, the games are never really over. In 2000, at the Sydney Olympics, there were questions about the age of Chinese gymnast Dong Fangxiao. The Chinese athletic organization argued that she met the minimum competition age of 16, and although the IOC tried to investigate, there was no evidence they could find to support claims that the diminutive athlete was only 14. The same issues existed at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics, with some of the Chinese team appearing to not meet the age requirement, but the paperwork confirmed the claimed ages of the girls. Now, however, as a result of the Beijing Olympics, it seems the evidence required to prove Dong Fangxiou’s age surfaced when she filed paperwork to be an official at the 2008 games. Yes, she wrote down her age, and after some simple ciphering, the International Gymnastics Foundation had the evidence they needed, and the IOC stripped the team of its bronze medal, awarding it to the US team that had come in fourth in 2000. I can’t help but wonder how a 14-year-old girl, living in a communist country where, if you are told to shit in the corner, you ask how much and what color, because it could be a life-changing (or life-ending) thing to refuse, could be held responsible, but that being said, I think there is a very simple way to deal with the issue from now on, because stripping medals under these circumstances sucks, AND it sucks even more that the team that should have been given the medal at the time, with the flags and the pomp and ceremony, were robbed of that. So, the IOC should state, in no uncertain terms, that ANY time this shit comes up, either because of the actions of the athlete or the ‘patriotic pressure’ (wow, how’s that for putting a nice name on a can of crap) of the country that athlete represents, at the NEXT Olympic games following the discovery of the lie/abuse/cheating/etc the ENTIRE TEAM in that event is not allowed to compete. If they know they will have to wait 8 years for the next chance for ALL members of that particular team, then maybe this shit will end. Belated congrats to the 2000 Sydney Olympics Bronze Medal winning Olympic team of Amy Chow, Jamie Dantzscher, Dominique Dawes, Krista Maloney, Elise Ray and Tasha Schwikert.

DATELINE: TORONTO -- There is a man, a hawt man, a talented man, a man with an arm that is the envy of every baseball team in the land. No, I will refrain from breaking out in song, but it will be a challenge. The man? Jon Lester. The feat? 11 strike-outs and only one hit in 7 innings of play against the Blue Jays, taking the three-game series and soundly tucking it into his incredibly hawt back pocket. Backed by an equally talented, equally hawt team with the likes of Jonathan Papelbon, who pitched the ninth to clinch the deal, Marco Scutaro, Adrian Beltre, Dustin Pedroia… well, the list would be as long as the roster. My only bitch? That I can’t get the fucking games here… all we get is hockey hockey hockey, enough hockey to make a person puke daily in their shoes. I hate hockey, so I hope they hurry up and get the crappy Stanley Cup over with so we can watch something with totally hawt guys in red socks.

DATELINE: GULF OF MEXICO – Before I start, lemme check on just what Sarah Palin is saying these days, her ‘Drill Baby Drill’ regardless of the costs. For the cost of something as simple as a remote-controlled shut-off valve – called an Acoustic Switch in the industry -- 5000 barrels (210,000 gallons) of oil would not be contaminating the Gulf of Mexico every day right now. According to the federal Mineral Management Services, the issue of making the valve mandatory has been discussed before, but the oil companies argued about the cost and effectiveness, and besides, they had a failsafe method for dealing with emergencies. They say there is not enough data to substantiate that the valves would really work, but evidence from both Brazil and Norway show them to be incredibly efficient and necessary, to the point where the MMS publicly stated they consider the acoustic switch to be ‘an essential component of deepwater drilling’. But for some incredibly arrogant reason, the switch still is not necessary in US waters, because why in the hell would ANYONE in the US want to regulate the oil industry? Sarah Palin would kiss their fucking asses every day, give them the world on a platter as she prostrates herself on the altar of the Oil Big Boys. Perhaps she should be down there looking at the fucking damage being done, damage that despite the efforts of clean-up crews will STILL impact the fishing industries along the coast. This stuff all comes with a price, and when dealing with oil companies, that price is substantial to the taxpayers, the consumers and the environment. The cost of the clean-up so far has been estimated at $6,000,000.00 each DAY, and they have a long way to go before they will be able to plug off the three breaches in the underwater oil pipe. Lemme end with some ‘say it ain’t so’ numbers, because I totally love em. In 2006, there were 3858 oil and gas platforms in the Gulf of Mexico. They all have a main shut-off valve on the ocean floor. Many, but not all, have a ‘deadman’ switch that is supposed to shut the valve on the ocean floor in case of catastrophe. Since 2001, according to the federal Mineral Management Service, there have been 69 offshore deaths, 1349 injuries, and 858 fires and explosions. That’s just in 9 years. In the case of the Deepwater Horizon, the deadman switch did not work, remote control submarines are not able to get to the shut off valve in the sea-floor. The cost of this? Replacement cost alone on the rig is $560Million. Add the cost of the cleanup, the cost in human lives, the cost in environmental damage and the damage to industries in the area, and you have to wonder… an Acoustic Switch costs $500,000 – chump change for any oil company.