DAILYNEWS - February 16th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 16th, 2010

DATELINE: MINNESOTA – A farmer, intent on giving his wife the perfect valentine, used manure to outline a giant heart in a snow-covered field. Apart from the obvious ‘how the hell is she gonna know if she doesn’t fly a fucking airplane’ issue, one has to wonder at the thought process that goes into offering a shit heart to your valentine. Even if she can’t see it, she will probably smell it. If Dash did that for me, he would want to hope that come the following year he had a whole lot of fucking roses planted in old Shit Heart Ridge on the back 40, cause otherwise he would be looking up at some fucking daisy roots by the end of the week.

DATELINE: ASIA – As the Year of the Tiger kicks in, people celebrated the luck and prosperity that sign enjoys. For starters... that’s a load of crap. Yours truly is a Tiger; apparently someone forgot the luck and prosperity here. However, if you are, in fact, a fucking Tiger, especially in Indonesia, your luck has run out. In that country, the government has decided it would be good to sell tigers to individuals as status symbols. These cats are already so fucking endangered that the WWF used this weekend to kick off a major campaign to try and help replenish numbers. Something tells me the Indonesian government didn’t get that fucking memo. Leave the damned cats alone and in the wild where the good Lord put them.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – As Canada celebrates its first gold medal won on home turf, complaints abound regarding several issues. According to Quebec Premier Charet, there was not enough French language used in the opening ceremonies. They could have done the whole fucking thing in French and he would still find something to complain about. Get a fucking life. In this end of the country, we have people who speak French, Chinese, Mandarin, German, Japanese, Korean, Punjabi, Hindi. I have no issue with the French preserving their culture, heritage and language, and in fact I celebrate it, but get fucking real.

DATELINE: QATAR – Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is concerned that Iran is becoming a Military Dictatorship. DUH!! Have you ever listened to that fucking Ahmadinejad? She’s worried he MIGHT be becoming a military dictator? Her plan... to talk to the Saudis to have them talk to the Chinese to have them support a tougher stand against Iran. I sort of remember a fucking grade-school game where we all had to pass a message along. The problem was that the message at the beginning was NEVER the same as the message the last guy in the line got, so there could be some fucking flaws in the logic of the Secretary of State. Of course, the main worry for everyone? Fucking oil. People! I tell ya, its getting to be horse and buggy time again!

DATELINE: ROME – The Pope has called all 24 of his Irish Bishops to Rome to discuss the thirty years of sexual abuse of children there, and the subsequent cover-ups. While his lips say the acts should be detested and deplored, one can’t help but wonder if his real message is ‘just don’t get fucking caught’ because the one thing this man excels at is hypocrisy.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – With the Olympic Games comes the protest games, which this weekend turned to riots on downtown Vancouver streets. While I am fully in support of the right of people to protest, especially when it comes to people in this country who are starving, homeless and dying while we focus tens of millions of dollars on obtaining a 4” gold medallion, the entire message is lost and the cause is only hurt once those protests become an excuse for vandalism and general hoodlum behaviour. Here’s a little hint for you – If they are wearing black masks that fully cover their face, they are not protesting. They are just stupid fucking criminals and should be locked up with the rest of the fucking riff raff. If we really want to solve the problem, get out the fucking tasers and then send the little bastardos across the line where there is at least a modicum of real fucking justice.

ALMOST DAILY NEWS -- February 13th, 2010

ALMOST DAILY NEWS – February 13th, 2010

DATELINE: FLORIDA – a 73-year-old man was arrested for robbing banks. He has robbed three banks, taking $600 only each time, just enough to cover his mortgage payment that he can’t make right now. He’s 73 years old. Where the hell is he supposed to get a job to pay a fucking mortgage. The bail was set at some huge fucking amount. Is there no justice anymore? The fucking bank managers should be the ones going to jail. The whole situation is a fucking crime, and Mr. 73-year-old fighting and doing what he can just to survive is a victim more than anyone else is.

DATELINE: ARKANSAS – A new PETA billboard has been put up to promote neutering of pets. It says “Doggies multiply faster than Duggars”. LMFAO. It would only have been funnier if they had a picture of fucking octo-mom on there.
DATELINE: HAITI – It has been one month. Many many millions of dollars have been raised and sent to help these people. Why the fuck are there still little ones dying and starving? Where is the fucking money gone?

DATELINE: TEXAS – It’s snowing there... LMFAO. Wait while I drum up some sympathy. Park your fucking cars, go out and make a damned snow angel. This is god’s way of telling you to chill, and also to tell you that no matter how big or important you think you are, Mother Nature always gets the last word.

DATELINE: LOS ANGELES -- Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are suing a British tabloid over rumors of their breakup. **think for a minute** Who gives a shit??

DATELINE: UP SHIT CREEK – Toyota announced ANOTHER recall, this time voluntary (yeah, I can’t imagine how many people will pass on the opportunity to get in this fucking line-up). 2010 Tacoma 4WD trucks have production defects in the front drive-shaft. There might still be hope for KIA yet to own the fucking market.

DATELINE: HALLMARK HEAVEN – Tomorrow is Valentines Day. Whoop-de-fucking-do. They call that ‘Fix the Bottom Line Day’ at Hallmark and every fucking floral shop in North America.