Farewell the Humble Pilgrim

John Wayne, meet Pope Benedict… because he’s just a humble pilgrim now. Well, not really, but damn, that is one hell of an awesome pitch, right?

If Benedict was, in fact, the ‘humble pilgrim’ he claims now to be, he would not have been helicoptered off to Gandolfo Castle as his ‘last’ public image. He would not insist on wearing the white garb of his office, those most holy robes exclusive to the office of Pope. Do I expect that he would head down to Africa, to be a missionary to the people there? No, and that’s a good thing for the people of Africa. They need a few breaks to go their way… the Catholic Church and their voodooistic insistence that the use of condom will put you on the express train to hell has already taken enough of a toll on those people. That anyone who claims to represent God on earth could possible watch impassively while thousands of people contract AIDS every day, all of which could be prevented by the use of a small piece of latex that costs two cents to make, is totally unfathomable. Yet it is this, among other things, that high-geared Mother Teresa to sainthood. Go figure. Yes, she fed the poor. Perhaps if they were given even a remote chance of not having to face a slow agonising death from HIV, then maybe they might have been able to help create food, instead of needing constant assistance, their families needing constant assistance, their poor, starving, orphaned, dying children needing constant assistance. Talk about your holy make-work projects. A condom… Satan’s tool, yet it could save millions of lives. But, I digress.

The Pope is going to retire into humble oblivion… where he will still be addressed with the lofty title of His Holiness. Yeah, there ain’t no ego in that, is there. How much more pilgrimish can he possibly hope to be? He will retire, living his life out in Vatican City… where all the poor, humble pilgrims hang out. More importantly, it’s where he will always have immunity from the law, and if you don’t believe that is the driving force to all of this early retirement brouhaha, you really have been drinking too much of the koolaid.

His spokesmen scream with outrage when someone speculates about what is really happening. They accuse the media of putting political spin on the upcoming conclave… because we are supposed to believe that there are no politics involved. It’s rather insulting. Of course the position is political. That’s ALL it is. It is the politics of God, and the catholic church is one of the best at playing this game. If it was about holy vision, if it was about doing God’s work, there would be NO issue of sexual abuse because it would have been dealt with according to the laws of the people, because all people would be answerable for what they do, and no one who serves God would ever knowingly put a child at risk. There would be no issue of not being able to use a credit card to purchase a tchotsky in Vatican City, because there would be no hint of money laundering. There would be no exclusion of women, and men would be allowed to be married, to rejoice in the gifts that God gives to each of us, the most primary and important being the gift of love. There would be no condemnation of gays or Jews or anyone else. How can there be, if you are the true representative of God, who loves us all?

If the catholic church was about God, it would sell its billions of dollars of art to help feed and house those in needs. The Pope, as head of this church that is really about God, would not care about the ring, the red freaking shoes, the white and gold trappings. None of that would matter, because his office wouldn’t be political. There would be no whispered stories about the prostitution ring being run out of the Vatican, or the acolytes who are forced into performing for the carnal satisfaction of those higher up, because there would be no political influence that creates the higher-ups who abuse their power. If the office of Pope was about God, and not politics, when the first allegations about the murder of Albino Luciani, Pope John Paul I, were mentioned, it would have been openly and transparently investigated and the perpetrators brought to justice, because that is what you do when you so love and respect the people in your community. No, being Pope has NOTHING to do with God, and EVERYTHING to do with politics of the church, of maintaining a ‘Good Old Boys’ club that dabbles in every sort of questionable activity and does so with impunity AND reckless abandon. If it was about God, Pope John Paul I would never have been murdered in the first place, but… wait… perhaps he was the one who was going to make it about God, and not about the other bullshit. More’s the pity.

I will go one step further though, with regard to Cardinal Ratzinger’s hasty departure. We will, at some point in the near future, discover the true reason. It will be about scandal, it will be ugly, and it will land squarely on this Ratzinger’s plate. It will be about innocent victims and horrible pain inflicted on others. How can it not be? He knew about the sexual abuse and he worked to cover it. He has known about the prostitution rings, the abuse, the harm and deaths that have resulted from his decisions regarding condoms, the hatred caused by his words and positions, his misogyny and disrespect. None of this, though, is enough to make the man step down… the man who is still so concerned with his political posturing that he cannot truly be a humble priest. A humble priest would be devoured by what he knows is coming up, and that would never do, not for this man. He needs the protection. It might be word about the murder of a pope that he at the very least was aware of, the destruction of evidence of that crime, or the perpetration of yet more crimes, but something more is coming. Mark my words… that whop-whop-whop of the rotors will not be the last news clip we will see of Cardinal Ratzinger.

John Wayne, up there in that great round-up in the sky, rest easy. Cardinal Ratzinger is one faux pilgrim you will not have to worry about.

DAILY NEWS, September 21st, 2011

DAILY NEWS, September 21st, 2011

DATELINE: IN AN ELEPHANT GRAVEYARD, WEEPING – In a crime that is heinous beyond compare, nine elephants were found dead, their tusks removed. Along with them were five lions, two buffalo and a number of vultures who had the misfortune to dine on the carcasses. The extent further down the food chain is not yet known, but the cause of these deaths is; the waterholes where these animals drink were poisoned... waterholes in five Zimbabwe game reserves. Who the fuck does this stuff? Are we so sick a species that we can drop poison in water with no regard to the effects, other than the money it will put in our pockets, the dead bodies littering the savannah be damned? The other wildlife is nothing more than collateral damage to them, the thousands of creatures that depend on this water for their lives. Already Zimbabwe officials have found ten dead rhinos as well, resulting in warnings that the animals are facing the worst poaching crisis in decades. Why is this crap happening? It’s not because people need the meat for sustenance, or the skins for warmth and protection. It’s because of the asian markets catering to people who give not a fucking damn about anything as long as they can get a boner, and to fat cats to whom such contraband as ivory carvings are expensive compensation for the penises they apparently lack. I have a wish for these particular poachers though... that they are caught, incarcerated, and given a big pot of water from which they are able to drink... a pot of water that is laced with the same crap they used to indiscriminately kill the animals. If they were subject to the same fate as the animals, and if the purchases of their good were subject to these same tactics, perhaps we might get somewhere with this dickheads and save the magnificent creatures that should be roaming the African landscape. NOTE: While I attempt to find graphics pertinent to the story, I could not bring myself to post a picture of what is done to an elephant or a rhino when their tusts are harvested. It is horrid. In some cases the animals are injured but still alive for the harvesting, then left to die. Instead, I will leave you with a picture that allows you to imagine for yourself the widesweeping consequences, the incalculable number of animals, and potentially people, who will die from the poisoning of these water holes.

DATELINE: MATER DOLOROSA CHURCH, RAISING THE ROOF – Well, okay, it’s not the roof in need of raising; it’s the steeple, and the Vatican has announced that they will not approve the renovations to the 115-year-old church. Apparently the parish is too much in debt, and the cost of repairing the steeple is just too much. Funny, but the over $100M the church spent in legal fees and settlements for all of the assault cases they worked so hard to cover up would have gone a long way to making sure this church, this landmark, was properly preserved. This is yet another testament to the total incompetency, the absolute abomination of the rule of Cardinal Bernard Law... who, by the way, was rewarded for his errors by being given a cushy choice appointment at the Vatican. Since the decision to close this church, the parishioners have staged a vigil, keeping people in there at all times, to prevent the demolition of the building. The Dioceses has tried to raise money by selling church property that is not used anymore, but the Vatican has prevented that too... because the buildings would be sold for ‘secular use’. What a load of fucking bullshit. This stunning building is yet another victim of the gross mismanagement and hubris of those oh so holy rollers in Rome; shame on them. They should be paying compensation to the entire diocese, begging forgiveness from the people who were victimized, their families, their other parish members, all those who supported the church while it willingly, knowingly, deliberately worked to circumvent the laws and protect pedophiles and predators. I’m sorry, but it was bad enough to allow this crap to happen, but to then take Bernard Law to the Vatican, allow him to be in charge of the Basilica di Santa Maria Maggiore, and a member of the Congregations for the Oriental Churches, the Clergy, Divine Worship and Discipline of the Sacraments, Evangelisation of Peoples, Institutes of Conscreated Life and Societies of Apostolic Life, Catholic Education, Bishops and the Pontifical Council for the Family and to sit in conclave to elect the current pontiff, is nothing but a colossal slap in the face to the people of Boston, and lends absolutely no credibility to any position the Vatican might spew regarding the sexual abuses propagated by their clergy.

DATELINE: FUCKING THE TAXPAYERS AND GETTING REWARDED FOR IT – This would be Gordon I-Can-Do-What-I-Want-Because-I-Am-King Campbell, former Premier of the province of British Columbia, who had to tuck his tail between his legs and run when the people of the province made it clear they had endured enough of his crap. This was the man who blatantly lied about taxes... not the typical eye-rolling, give them a couple months to forget it, sort of lie. We’re talking saying one thing in a campaign promise WHILE working behind the scenes to be putting the total opposite in place. This was the man who caused an entire province to stand up in protest and take measures to recall every one of his cabinet members because of his lies about the implementation of his Harmonized Sales Tax. This would be the same asshole Gordon Campbell who got the crown-jewel appointment to the diplomatic corps upon his resignation as premier, and now this is the man, the man who deliberately tried to fuck every one of the provincial taxpayers with his HST, his carbon tax and his other measures to tax the living crap out of the rural residences, who is now receiving an Order of BC award, the highest recognition in the province. It’s time for the province to rise up again in order to save the integrity of the award and the credibility of every other person who has ever received this reward. It’s time for us to say, again, that the fuck fest is over.

DATELINE: WHERE THOSE WHO SEXUALLY ABUSE CHILDREN ARE HEROES – Roman Polanski. It is one name that makes my blood pressure shoot up several major notches, especially when the arts community seems to think it appropriate to yet again honor this piece of crap sicko bastard again with a lifetime achievement award. The organizers of the Zurich Film Festival say they are ‘especially proud to welcome’ Polanski so he can receive his award from 2009 – the one he was unable to receive when he was arrested on outstanding warrants for sexually abusing a 13-year old girl. Apparently organizers Karl Spoerri and Nadja Schildknecht are ‘tremendous admirers of his work’. What the hell sort of statement is this for any responsible, remotely moral human being to make? Admirers of his work? For the love of all that is fucking holy, the sick bastard raped and sodomized a child, THEN being the stand-up piece of crap that he is, he ran away to avoid going to prison. What a man! Yes, this is what we honor, because, come on... he’s one of the beautiful fucking people, and who cares about his victims. Talk about a sick fucking society.

DATELINE: IN MALIBU, PAYING MY RESPECTS – Charlie Harper is dead. Yes, the writers of Two and a Half Men killed Charlie’s Sheen’s character off. That’s about all the space I would want to waste on this fucking story... CNN can have it, maybe add it all to the Ridicu-list, where all good artsy fartsy fluff crap belongs.

DAILY NEWS -- January 19th, 2011

DAILY NEWS -- JANUARY 19th, 2011

DATELINE: WAITING FOR THEIR ISSUE OF PITCHFORKS AND ASBESTOS SUITS – I have a great fucking idea... lets make the man who allowed this bullshit to happen, who particiapted in it, a saint! While reading this please remember that the 'Blessed' John Paul II was at the helm for ALL of this, for more than twenty years. It was only a matter of time before it came about… you just fucking knew it was going to happen, but it would have been much better to have happened many years ago. A letter has surfaced, one stating in no uncertain terms (despite absolutely ludicrous attempts by the current Vatican legal buffoons to claim otherwise) that bishops were instructed to not report any incidents of child abuse or pedophilia to legal authorities. This is a two part story. In the first part, we learn of the letter that was sent to Irish bishops shortly after they released a paper and policy about having to take action against priest pedophilia in their country. The letter was the work of Archbishop Luciano Storero, the Vatican’s diplomat in Ireland, and stressed that the Congregation of the Clergy, a very senior panel at the Vatican, headed by Cardinal Dario Castrillon Hoyos (in 1997 and now) ruled that the Irish church’s new policy of mandatory reporting of abuse to legal authorities conflicted with canon law. Such reporting “gives rise to serious reservations of both a moral and canonical nature”. Moral? This fucking asshole dared to say there were moral issues involved with reporting a crime to the police? He called the document prepared by the Irish bishops to be nothing more than a ‘study document’ and that the current church law which required all abuse allegations to be handled only within the church ‘must be meticulously followed’. It should be noted that Cardinal Castrillon Hoyos is the same cardinal who told a Colombian radio station that under no circumstance should a person be forced to report abuse. He stated in a radio interview “The law in nations with a well-developed judiciary does not force anyone to testify against a child, a father, against other people close to the suspect. Why would they ask that of the church? That is injustice.” I have no idea what fucking planet he lives on, but the sexual abuse of a child is the injustice, allowing someone to continue to do so, with a steady supply of victims, is injustice, and when the hell did the church become the equivalent of a family member? In a nice little aside, this fucking asshole, in 2001, sent a letter of congratulations to a bishop in France because said bishop successfully concealed, in legal proceedings, his knowledge of a priest who was raping and abusing minors, netting that pedophile priest a suspended sentence. I suspect someone should be looking into how many people Castrillon Hoyos has abused, because my spidey senses are going nuts that this guy is working overtime to hide his own shit and justify it in some totally disgusting manner.

The second part of the story is that Vatican legal counsel has said the letter that was issued in 1997 telling the bishops they were forbidden from reporting any abuse cases was ‘deeply misunderstood’. Take a minute to think about that. A letter that explicitly says they are not to report it because it will be handled in-house was ‘deeply misunderstood’? Oh please, elucidate for us! According to Rev. Federico Lombardi, the intent of the 1997 letter to bishops in Ireland was to simply ensure that church law was followed to the letter so that priests who were pedophiles would not be able to evade church punishment because of a technicality. What? I think they have been watching too much fucking Law and Order. They didn’t want to have the assholes evade church punishment… which at the time equaled an all-expense paid transfer to a new parish and a new flock. The time has come for the world to STOP pussyfooting around Rome, the Pope and the Vatican. It is time for a global effort to stop the systematic epidemic of abuse within the church. Search warrants should be issued to access their records… ALL of them, diplomatic ties should be cut… ALL of them, and parishioners should pull their heads out of their asses and take a fucking stand with a whole lot of empty collection plates, because in all seriousness, there but for the grace of God, go their own children. No child is safe where the Catholic Church is concerned, and if that isn’t the saddest fucking statement I have ever typed, I don’t know what is, because I have know a number of absolutely wonderful, devoted, honorable men who have dedicated their life to serving God and would never hurt a child. There aren’t enough of them though, and the time has come to stop this bullshit. The crime now is if they are allowed to get away with this for even one more fucking day.

DATELINE: SITTING ON THE ROYAL CRAPPER – Oh, wait… that should be throne. A new private members bill was presented to British politicians, proposing that the rule of succession for the British throne be amended to remove the exclusion of sex as a factor in who ranks where in the royal family chain. This is in preparation for the next generation of Windsors as Prince William and Kate Middleton prepare to marry – because we just aren’t hearing enough about that already. Should their first child be a girl, Labour MP Keith Vaz believes she should have the right of first succession regardless of whether or not she has a younger brother. That it has taken this fucking long for the brits to get around to this is disgusting. That we should really give a rat’s ass about who takes the throne, because it is really only a photo op position of absolutely no authority or import, is ludicrous and, honestly, insulting. In a time where people are struggling to make ends meet, where we go from day to day wondering if we will have a roof over our heads come the end of the month, to watch the hubbub with a multi-million dollar glitter-fest is insulting and hateful, especially when you look at many of the starving, dying children in the many countries of the Queen’s Commonwealth.

DATELINE: SPEAKING OF NUCKING FUTS!! – Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, in preparation of talks with world powers, stated that nothing will derail his nuclear program, which he claims is making steady process. Even ‘100,000 United Nations Security Council resolutions’ will stop his efforts, and there is no discussion to be had regarding Iran’s rights to enrich uranium. He will be meeting with US, British, French, German, Russian and Chinese officials – and despite the fact that good old Mahmoud is to power and authority, as Wimpy is to a fucking hamburger factory, what grounds do any of these countries have in denying someone else the right to enrich uranium? Other than Germany, they all have nuclear arsenals. I am not sure why India and Pakistan haven’t been invited to the party, and perhaps Israel could be standing in the back of the room, watching but feigning non-participation, but at any moment, any one of these countries could find themselves with an absolute fucking nutcase at the helm (it is seriously not beyond the realm of possibility! Some of em are awfully damned close already) and then where will we be? And what of those countries like Russia who make a hobby of selling this shit to other nutcases, like Huge Chavez, who is building up a very lovely arsenal himself? Who the hell are these countries to decide who has what weapons? Yes, it scares the living crap out of me that all these damned countries have nuclear capabilities. Sorry – but I am not so comfortable with any one of them that has the ability, because they are really only one nutcase away from causing major fucking destruction.

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 11th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 11th, 2010

DATELINE: ROME – A high school in Rome has announced that it will be installing condom machines. It is hard to believe that this is news, but, when in Rome... Of course, the Vatican had an immediate and definitive response. The placement of condoms in a school ‘trivializes sex’ and of course, the action ‘cannot be approved by Rome’s ecclesiastical community or by Christian families who are seriously concerned with the education of their children’. Far be it for me to point out that, amidst the reports of gay prostitution rings being run out of the Holy City, as well as the hundreds of reports of abuse, both sexual and physical, at the hands of Catholic priests, that the position of the Vatican regarding condom machines would be totally fucking hilarious if it was not so fucking sad. The obvious thing to do would be to let your children go to a Catholic school, where they can be sold to the highest bidder for a nightly lesson in anal sex? How about more lessons in hatred as when little girls are kicked out of fucking pre-school because they have two moms? The level of hypocrisy is totally unbelievable. In the case of the condom machines, however, they went one step further. The head Italy’s national association of Catholic pharmacists has gone so far as to say that condoms are responsible for increased numbers of rapes and violence. That a man with an education and a modicum of ethics would make such a fucking preposterous suggestion is deplorable. There are very few rapists who take the time to slip on a rubber. Perhaps though, the Holy Father is only in favour of them being handed out by his priests, on an as-needed basis. I cannot begin to tell you how fucking sick this whole thing makes me. Someone has to step in and stop this fucking stupidity.

DATELINE: MISSISSIPPI – Speaking of the propagation of hatred, lets run over to the Itawamba County Agricultural High School, where the high school prom has been cancelled. Why? Well, obviously because there was the Level Red National fucking threat that a same-sex couple might actually attend the dance. *Insert sarcastic gasps of shock and horror here* The school planned on just banning the student in question, but was then advised by the ACLU that to do that would violate her rights. The next best thing to do then, obviously, is to cancel the whole fucking prom and let the student take the blame for it. Not only did the school district come up with this hateful fucking idea, the mayor of the town says that his whole community supports the decision. The whole community supports the decision to exclude, shame, and thrust hatred upon an 18-year-old? Well, there is a fucking endorsement to put on your billboards. The whole fucking town should be ashamed. Schools in Mississippi – teaching hatred and intolerance damned near better than anyone else on the continent. The Catholics must fucking love you people.

DATELINE: ONTARIO – Dr. Barbara Hartwell, the surgeon who performed not one, but at least two unnecessary mastectomies, has had her operating room privileges reinstated. Yes, before the investigation into her actions has even really begun, she has been ruled fit to wield a fucking knife again. Here is my take on this... In this case I totally fucking adhere to the eye-for-an-eye principle. Perhaps before she steps in to operate on anyone, she should have both of her breasts whacked off and thrown away for absolutely no reason. Perhaps then she might be a bit more careful. Sadly with the health care system such as it is in this country, there will be women forced to go to this doctor for treatment. Sorry, but I would rather take my chances, because there is no fucking way I would allow anyone I love or care about within ten fucking miles of this doctor.

DATELINE: OTTAWA – Public Safety Minister Vic Toews wrote an open letter to newspapers slamming their coverage of the Rahim Jaffer case that was tossed in court... you remember, the one where he was picked up for speeding in the extreme, blew a fail on the breathalyser, was found with cocaine on him? Yeah, that delightful asshole, who for the whole time he was a Member of Parliament screamed about harsher laws and penalties and more accountability from the justice system. So now, he has Vic Toews pleading his case to the public, and doing it soo fucking well, stating that the reporters where advancing ‘liberal spin’. Here is the thing Mr. Toews. You do not have to be a fucking liberal to be able to smell a steaming pile of shit when it is plopped there right in front of you. If this had been me, I would be in fucking jail. If it had been any one of millions of other Canadians, they would be in jail. Speaking of which, I defy you to find me a fucking normal non-privileged person who could do even a quarter of that bullshit that Helena Guergis pulled at the airport in Charlottetown and not go to jail. Yes, your party has that ripe aroma that comes with the feeling of being totally fucking above the law and you prove it every fucking day. The fact that you would put any god damned political spin on this shows me that you also know that what happened was wrong... you just won’t admit it. It’s one of those fucking ‘me think he doth protest too much’ things. There, Comrade Harper... I managed to get a ‘doth’ in there just for you.

DATELINE: REGINA – The Saskatchewan Party is having a Pig Roast Fundraiser. I know that, because I saw it on a poster... probably the most inappropriate fucking poster ever printed. The words are printed over a picture of the World Trade Center as flames and smoke billow from the windows. Yes, they actually have the words ‘Second Annual Spring Fundraising Dinner’ and ‘Pig Roast Dinner’ slapped right across the picture. That anyone could be so stupid as to think this was okay actually boggles the fucking mind. I stared at the damned thing for ten minutes trying to understand why they would use that picture. The reason – because they have Chief Richard Picciotto, the highest ranking firefighter to be pulled from the rubble, as a guest speaker. Nowhere on the poster does it say this. Nowhere does it explain with anything even resembling tact or diplomacy or even compassion that the guest speaker was associated to the 9-11 attacks. Instead they jam the words Pig Roast right over the fucking flames. This is a new low in political clusterfucks. Hopefully they plan to use more thought when running the damned province than they did in designing a fucking poster.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – President Obama has announced that he will be donating the full amount of his Nobel Peace Prize money to charities around the world. The $1.4M will help students, veterans’ families and Haiti earthquake victims, to name a few. Say what you will about the man and the politics, this is one hell of a first class thing to do. Kudos to the man.

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 6th, 2010 – ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF-CRAP DAY

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 6th, 2010 – ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF-CRAP DAY

DATELINE: LOS ANGELES – Expect the entertainment world to be all atwitter next week as news of Charlie Sheen’s bedroom activities upstage the Oscar results – because this is fucking HUGE news. The sheets on the Sheen family bed have apparently seen more kinky action than a German priest at an altar boy convention. ‘People’ will be coming forward to explain about the multiple partners BOTH Charlie and his wife have enjoyed. The real fucking shocker will be that there are allegations drugs were also involved in the ménage-a-many games. My question... other than Jon Cryer, who now really does have something to cry about, why do we fucking care? Well... to be honest, I might be a bit jealous to have been left off the guest list, but seriously, why do we care what they do in their bedroom or who they do it with? Get a life, people... or maybe a few extra friends to help spice up the one you got.

DATELINE: SPRINGFIELD – Homer and Marge Simpson are undoubtedly fucking dancing in the streets today, having earned kudos from the Vatican. In a recent article congratulating the Simpsons on their twenty year run, they were declared to have offered ‘philosophical leanings’ with ‘realistic and intelligent writing.’ Of course, with all things Rome, it comes with a reprimand, because, well, who the else can dish out platitudes and penance like the Pope? Apparently The Simpsons would be the almost perfect show, despite its religious digs, if it were not for the ‘excessively crude language, the violence of certain episodes or some extreme choices by the scriptwriters’. Hello??? It’s a fucking cartoon! Who gives a rat’s ass what they say or blow up, because they aren’t really doing it and SOME people in the world actually have the ability to figure that fucking crap out!

DATELINE: AN UNCHARTED DESERT ISLE – Four seasons of Gilligan’s Island was just not enough. I have no fucking idea who it was not enough for, but it was not enough, so now it is heading to the big screen. The cast has not been named yet. *sigh* Who comes up with this shit? Okay, could someone please explain to me why it is necessary to take shows that really were not so fucking shit hot in the day and made absolutely no sense, not even in the non-sensible way, and plague us with a rehashing of the same fucking lines and the same fucking plots on the big screen for more fucking dollars. Watch the reruns on YouTube. Believe me, it will be more than enough to keep the memory fucking alive.

DATELINE: ALASKA – The Reality Show crap is getting really out of hand when it is proposed and pitched that Sarah Palin be a host of a new reality show set in Alaska. Sarah Palin? Get fucking serious. What? Are they going to have her scripts written on gloves so she can just change em and keep up, or what? How is that palm-reading thing working for ya, hon? The first major flaw in the fucking premise – it is supposed to showcase, among other things, the ‘quirky denizens’ that live in that great, fucking cold state, BUT Palin’s family won’t be on it? How can you do quirky without her family? And seriously, do we REALLY expect that her family won’t be on it? That’s like saying it is not a political vehicle, which, by the way, they are saying and expecting us to believe! This comes on the heels of an announcement by Harper Collins that they have commissioned the political Rougette to write a new book about her patriotic and spiritual values. **beats head on wall** People, PLEASE let this woman just fade away into the abyss where she fucking belongs.

DATELINE: LOS ANGELES – Simon Cowell has a gift arriving for him in the mail. Yes, the crispy crusty American Idol has done it now! A contestant, hurt that he did not advance any further in the show, has said he is sending Cowell a Bible in the mail. He apparently told the biting Brit to go to church and said of Cowell ‘if he had a little bit of Jesus in him, then he wouldn’t be so mean’. Mean? So if he is so mean, is it really a good idea to give him something he can now throw at the contestants? I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there are a lot of fucking hacks that appear on that stage and, hello... it’s a television program, so what the hell else do you expect? Even more astounding – this fucking crap actually is considered news.

DATELINE: ROME – Sorry, no Toyota story today, so I HAVE to take out my ire on the next best thing. Seems that the Pope is quite the Bordello fellow. It has been discovered that A Gentleman to His Holiness (a papal usher) and a choir master have been involved in providing ‘escorts’ for many different events, procuring these escorts from the street, homeless shelters and yes, the seminaries, because there is nothing like teaching baby priests early what that vow of celibacy is all about. A gay prostitution ring, right there in Vatican City! The current rate is supposed to be around $2000 EU a night, not bad money, but certainly not enough for the church to recoup all the legal costs of settling those sexual abuse cases they denied for so long. The two men involved in this ring have been Vatican employees/regulars for 19 years. Now, I know that you are all saying ‘Bambi, you can’t fucking blame the Pope for THIS!’ Well, yes, I can. For 19 years this has been going on in HIS house... and while I admit that the current pope wasn’t wearing the fancy red slippers for the whole 19 years, he WAS the Vatican Rottweiler, the watch dog of all things happening within. It’s pretty hard to believe that with the scope of this, no one else knew a damned thing about it. One has to wonder where all the fucking money went from the years of now organized abuse arranged by the Holy Sea. Give me a fucking break. For starters, do away with the fucking celibacy thing which was never anything about religion or holiness or piety, but totally about owning the priests and preventing anyone from inheriting what meagre belongings a priest might have. Then, embrace the sexuality the good Lord has given us, and start to treat homosexuals as people too, instead of condemning them and that which you practice so arrogantly. AND for the love of all that is fucking holy, quit telling the world what to do in their bedrooms and how to conduct their lives when your own moral compass is totally screwed. Clean up your own bedrooms (and closets) first – THEN come talk to me about what shows to watch, what books to read and what sins I have committed that are sending me to hell. Stand up and be men for a fucking change, and do what’s right, and that is not on the hypocritical high-road you love so fucking much.

DAILYNEWS - February 16th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 16th, 2010

DATELINE: MINNESOTA – A farmer, intent on giving his wife the perfect valentine, used manure to outline a giant heart in a snow-covered field. Apart from the obvious ‘how the hell is she gonna know if she doesn’t fly a fucking airplane’ issue, one has to wonder at the thought process that goes into offering a shit heart to your valentine. Even if she can’t see it, she will probably smell it. If Dash did that for me, he would want to hope that come the following year he had a whole lot of fucking roses planted in old Shit Heart Ridge on the back 40, cause otherwise he would be looking up at some fucking daisy roots by the end of the week.

DATELINE: ASIA – As the Year of the Tiger kicks in, people celebrated the luck and prosperity that sign enjoys. For starters... that’s a load of crap. Yours truly is a Tiger; apparently someone forgot the luck and prosperity here. However, if you are, in fact, a fucking Tiger, especially in Indonesia, your luck has run out. In that country, the government has decided it would be good to sell tigers to individuals as status symbols. These cats are already so fucking endangered that the WWF used this weekend to kick off a major campaign to try and help replenish numbers. Something tells me the Indonesian government didn’t get that fucking memo. Leave the damned cats alone and in the wild where the good Lord put them.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – As Canada celebrates its first gold medal won on home turf, complaints abound regarding several issues. According to Quebec Premier Charet, there was not enough French language used in the opening ceremonies. They could have done the whole fucking thing in French and he would still find something to complain about. Get a fucking life. In this end of the country, we have people who speak French, Chinese, Mandarin, German, Japanese, Korean, Punjabi, Hindi. I have no issue with the French preserving their culture, heritage and language, and in fact I celebrate it, but get fucking real.

DATELINE: QATAR – Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is concerned that Iran is becoming a Military Dictatorship. DUH!! Have you ever listened to that fucking Ahmadinejad? She’s worried he MIGHT be becoming a military dictator? Her plan... to talk to the Saudis to have them talk to the Chinese to have them support a tougher stand against Iran. I sort of remember a fucking grade-school game where we all had to pass a message along. The problem was that the message at the beginning was NEVER the same as the message the last guy in the line got, so there could be some fucking flaws in the logic of the Secretary of State. Of course, the main worry for everyone? Fucking oil. People! I tell ya, its getting to be horse and buggy time again!

DATELINE: ROME – The Pope has called all 24 of his Irish Bishops to Rome to discuss the thirty years of sexual abuse of children there, and the subsequent cover-ups. While his lips say the acts should be detested and deplored, one can’t help but wonder if his real message is ‘just don’t get fucking caught’ because the one thing this man excels at is hypocrisy.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – With the Olympic Games comes the protest games, which this weekend turned to riots on downtown Vancouver streets. While I am fully in support of the right of people to protest, especially when it comes to people in this country who are starving, homeless and dying while we focus tens of millions of dollars on obtaining a 4” gold medallion, the entire message is lost and the cause is only hurt once those protests become an excuse for vandalism and general hoodlum behaviour. Here’s a little hint for you – If they are wearing black masks that fully cover their face, they are not protesting. They are just stupid fucking criminals and should be locked up with the rest of the fucking riff raff. If we really want to solve the problem, get out the fucking tasers and then send the little bastardos across the line where there is at least a modicum of real fucking justice.