DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 17th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 17th, 2010

DATELINE: ARGENTINA – All ships wanting to go to the Falkland Islands must now first apply for permission to do so from the Argentine government. This is all because of the never-ending almighty fucking quest for oil, because that shit just hasn’t caused enough problems in the world already.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – Wow. Where to fucking start. The Official Languages Commission is now investigating complaints that there was not enough French used in the opening ceremonies and that the French that was used was ‘obligatory’. Yes, it fucking was, and yes, there was enough of it. More to the point, what the fuck are we doing spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on this? The hope of those complaining is to get the closing ceremonies changed so more French is included. For the love of god, this is what we have to bitch about? People STILL starving and dying in Haiti, people STILL starving a dying here, people out of work, people losing homes, jobs shrivelling up and we are going to get our fucking panties in a twist because there was not enough French spoken at the Opening Ceremonies? How totally fucked up can we get as a nation?

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – Already 8,000 tickets were cancelled for viewers of the events at Cypress Bowl, home of the snowboarding events. That means for the last couple days, people who held those tickets, who bought flights and accommodation to come to Vancouver to take part in the events, who could only get the Standing Room Only tickets, get to miss out on everything. They will get the price of their tickets back... whoop-de-fucking-do. Now, though, they have announced that for the next few days, an additional 20,000 tickets daily will also be cancelled (just the cost of the tickets is over $1M). Now, while I realize VANOC does not control the weather (although their fucking arrogance would suggest that at some point they probably did think they could), they DID make the decision to have these events at Cypress Bowl which is notorious for its lack of snow most years, and THEN they made the decision to NOT have a back-up location for the events should the weather not co-operate with them. They DO own this clusterfuck... not the weatherman, not the skiers and sure as hell not the spectators who paid for tickets in good faith only to get screwed over by VANOC total lack of foresight.

DATELINE: IRAN – President Ahmedinejad responded to US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s comments in Qatar but warning the world they will ‘regret increasing sanctions’ on Iran. He went on to say that Mrs. Clinton’s remarks were ‘not wise’. This totally adds to my argument that the man is nucking futs and that perhaps Mrs. Clinton knows a crazy prick when she sees one.

DATELINE: NEW YORK – David Letterman slammed Canadians in regard to the accident that killed Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili. Letterman accused us of being hypocrits because we made adjustments to the track to prevent a similar accident. The death was a tragedy by all accounts, and no one denies that, and perhaps something more could have been done, but honestly I don't know. However, I suppose if there is anyone who would know about being a hypocrite, especially when beating on his desk and expounding the fucking moral high-road, it would be David Letterman. His opinion gets about the same amount of credence as the god damned people screaming that our snowboarders pants aren’t baggy enough.

DATELINE: OTTAWA – Omar Khadr’s lawyers have filed an emergency motion to quash the government’s decision to ask the United States to not use evidence gathered by Canadian officials in their prosecution of Khadr. This is admittedly a compromise position based on the Supreme Court ruling of last week that the government is not legally bound to demand the repatriation of Khadr. Khadr’s history and connection to terrorist training camps not withstanding (wow, I almost sound like a fucking lawyer!) here is my bitch. When people go to other countries and commit crimes in those countries, why the fuck do we spend millions of dollars to get them off the hook? You go to someone else’s land, you fucking abide by their laws and if you break those laws by peddling your dope or stealing or yes, being involved in a terrorist fire fight that lasts 4 hours with US soldiers and then throwing a grenade and killing one of those soldiers, you face the fucking consequences. We do not allow people to come to our country and totally blow off our fucking laws. We do not allow women to get stoned in our streets for using a fucking cellphone, and so if those people who do live by that law come here and start to stone a woman, we take issue. If you break a law, YOU pay the fucking consequences... not everyone in the god damned country.

DATELINE: OHIO – Monks have taken a local No-Tell Motel, one opening and publicly used as a house of ill-repute, and have started to turn it into a religious retreat. Vibrating beds and holy water -- this could give the whole missionary position thing a new fucking spin.

DATELINE: OTTAWA -- The former head chaplain for the armed forces has been charged with several sex crimes, including buggery, a crime which no longer is part of the criminal code here, but because the offences date back to 1972, they used the litigation of the day for that. It’s yet another black eye for military echelon here, as well as for the catholic community. The truly sad part is that we are all just sitting back and shrugging and saying ‘yeah, again... so what?

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – Sex-pot Uber-comedian Stephen Colbert (yes, I will resort to flattery and whoring myself sometimes) will be in Vancouver today and tomorrow to film his show and take part in the Olympic Speed Skating events as a pseudo-dignitary. I hope there are no fucking security fences around him that might collapse. Perhaps he should be stationed right beside that fucking outside flame because that seems to be the only thing still secure (totally fucking impervious to anyone who is not a celeb) around the place.

DAILYNEWS - February 16th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 16th, 2010

DATELINE: MINNESOTA – A farmer, intent on giving his wife the perfect valentine, used manure to outline a giant heart in a snow-covered field. Apart from the obvious ‘how the hell is she gonna know if she doesn’t fly a fucking airplane’ issue, one has to wonder at the thought process that goes into offering a shit heart to your valentine. Even if she can’t see it, she will probably smell it. If Dash did that for me, he would want to hope that come the following year he had a whole lot of fucking roses planted in old Shit Heart Ridge on the back 40, cause otherwise he would be looking up at some fucking daisy roots by the end of the week.

DATELINE: ASIA – As the Year of the Tiger kicks in, people celebrated the luck and prosperity that sign enjoys. For starters... that’s a load of crap. Yours truly is a Tiger; apparently someone forgot the luck and prosperity here. However, if you are, in fact, a fucking Tiger, especially in Indonesia, your luck has run out. In that country, the government has decided it would be good to sell tigers to individuals as status symbols. These cats are already so fucking endangered that the WWF used this weekend to kick off a major campaign to try and help replenish numbers. Something tells me the Indonesian government didn’t get that fucking memo. Leave the damned cats alone and in the wild where the good Lord put them.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – As Canada celebrates its first gold medal won on home turf, complaints abound regarding several issues. According to Quebec Premier Charet, there was not enough French language used in the opening ceremonies. They could have done the whole fucking thing in French and he would still find something to complain about. Get a fucking life. In this end of the country, we have people who speak French, Chinese, Mandarin, German, Japanese, Korean, Punjabi, Hindi. I have no issue with the French preserving their culture, heritage and language, and in fact I celebrate it, but get fucking real.

DATELINE: QATAR – Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is concerned that Iran is becoming a Military Dictatorship. DUH!! Have you ever listened to that fucking Ahmadinejad? She’s worried he MIGHT be becoming a military dictator? Her plan... to talk to the Saudis to have them talk to the Chinese to have them support a tougher stand against Iran. I sort of remember a fucking grade-school game where we all had to pass a message along. The problem was that the message at the beginning was NEVER the same as the message the last guy in the line got, so there could be some fucking flaws in the logic of the Secretary of State. Of course, the main worry for everyone? Fucking oil. People! I tell ya, its getting to be horse and buggy time again!

DATELINE: ROME – The Pope has called all 24 of his Irish Bishops to Rome to discuss the thirty years of sexual abuse of children there, and the subsequent cover-ups. While his lips say the acts should be detested and deplored, one can’t help but wonder if his real message is ‘just don’t get fucking caught’ because the one thing this man excels at is hypocrisy.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – With the Olympic Games comes the protest games, which this weekend turned to riots on downtown Vancouver streets. While I am fully in support of the right of people to protest, especially when it comes to people in this country who are starving, homeless and dying while we focus tens of millions of dollars on obtaining a 4” gold medallion, the entire message is lost and the cause is only hurt once those protests become an excuse for vandalism and general hoodlum behaviour. Here’s a little hint for you – If they are wearing black masks that fully cover their face, they are not protesting. They are just stupid fucking criminals and should be locked up with the rest of the fucking riff raff. If we really want to solve the problem, get out the fucking tasers and then send the little bastardos across the line where there is at least a modicum of real fucking justice.