DATELINE: IN THE CRAPPER, FLUSHING IT DOWN

So, it’s come to this: comedian Stephen Colbert coyly almost announcing his candidacy for the GOP South Carolina primary. What a sad fucking day – but not for the reasons you think.

How did this almost soon-to-be maybe announcement come about? Because five percent of people in South Carolina who were asked about their choices in the primary indicated to pollsters they would vote for Stephen Colbert – so why shouldn’t he throw his hat into the ring. Anyone else would. The sad part of this is that it shows, without doubt, the mockery that the political system has become. It shows the frustration of the electorate, and it shows (no offense, Stephen) that any ass is a welcome part of that system. It shows that too many people don’t take some very serious situations seriously at all.

Yes, Colbert and Stewart have brought attention to the stupidity of the system and the people who are part of it. They have, in essence,proven the hypothesis that politicians take care of themselves first, last and always. Their experiment has removed any doubt that the system now is so corrupt it is virtually impossible to take it seriously. That whole PAC crap about advertising money and the candidate having nothing to do with it? Oh please, there is NO ONE who doesn’t know that Gingrinch and Romney have everything to do with them… because that is the way governments now work. They don’t worry about morals or ethics anymore, especially when it comes to getting a chance to sit behind that fucking fancy desk in the Oval Office. These guys would even eat their young, for fuck sake, if it meant one more vote in a swing state.

‘But Bambi, you’re a Canadian. Why do you give a shit anyways?’ Good question. There are several reasons. The first is that whatever the most powerful country in the world does, it has an impact on every other country, and the closer you are to the US, the more it affects you. The second is that, we are really really close neighbors, and when your asshole leader lets his ego gets in the way, and the bombs start falling, we are right in the middle of the firing range, much to close for comfort. The third is that,whether right or wrong, we are sort of like the US’s adoring little brother,looking up to him, following his lead, emulating what he does… and I do NOT want Canada to be like that ever (although already, as kids are wont to do as they age, we are quickly catching up and becoming more and more like you every day). The fourth reason is because we have to watch all of your political bullshit and ads every time we turn on our fucking sets, and you know, you guys are in Perpetual Election Mode down there now. The minute the votes are counted, you are off and running again, making sure that you win the next one four years later. You are so fucking busy running for election that you have no time or interest in actually running the country.

The even sadder part of this is that you have an incredible system offered to you by some incredibly smart people, who were not looking to line their pockets and have unmitigated power and authority over the whole land. Those people were more concerned about freedom, equality, creating a land where EVERYONE had a chance to live their dreams (not just the top 1%). Once that plan was in place, a plan that the rest of the world looked at in awe and wondered if they should ever dare to dream of some plan for their own countries that offered the same great gifts, it became time to fight for it, and fight they did. They all put their lives on the line, and men and women have been proudly doing the same ever since. They never looked for a fucking loophole to garner them more favor and give them one more vote over the other guy; they were too busy crouching in fox holes under barrages of artillery fire, and watching, horrified, while their buddies had their arms, legs, heads blown off.

I hear people saying there is no point in voting, what difference does it make? They are all corrupt, they lie to get into office. I am not arguing any of that. What I am arguing is that apathy is the most powerful weapon in these candidates arsenal. By not voting, we allow them to do what they want. By not voting, we say it’s okay to do what they are doing. Yes, the system needs change, and it needs it right now, but the system is not going to change it, and the politicians are not going to change it. The people are the ones to do that. You don’t have to don a uniform, pick up a gun and crouch in a fox hole while shitting your pants in fear; but you do have to stand up and be counted, and really, that’s not a lot to ask, is it? You want to see changes, hold these assholes accountable. There isn’t a candidate that wholly appeals to you? Then find one, and ask them to run. There are a lot of smart,honest, principled, hard-working people out there – so find one. If you have to ‘settle’ on a candidate, then when he is elected, hold him to account, write letters, and make a stand. If you are asked to make a political contribution, say no because you don’t like the tactics. You don’t want someone to buy their way into the White House, then don’t give them money – which means don’t give the money to those companies who do support them. If you know that someone is sponsoring a crooked candidate, contact them and say you won’t purchase their crap anymore. Tired of the mudslinging bullshit ads? Phone the television stations and say ‘Enough! I am changing the channel because this is bullshit.’ If the 40% of the population who does not vote did these things, did something more than bitch from their armchair, the system would change. It would be held to account, and it would be because you stood up. Until then, I guess we sit back and watch more people make a mockery of a system that is already sadly, dangerously not more than a daily joke.

So, Colbert MIGHT run. I am not going out on a limb to say that his ideas could not be any more dumbass than the ones being floated by the 'traditional' candidates, his past could not be more smarmy than theirs, he could never be even close to them on the hypocrisy chart, so maybe this is a blessing. Maybe he is meant to be 'the chosen one', Anderson Cooper and his Ridiculist be damned! If Colbert manages to sweep the Carolinas and goes on to take Washington, though, it’s to be hoped that Jon Stewart could be his vice president, and become the first VPOTUS to have his face on paper money. If I had dollar bills with Jon Stewart’s face on them, I would save those puppies, glue them up on the bedroom ceiling, and have a couple in my hip pocket just to take out and lick throughout the day, then lovingly slide them back where they belong. It would create a whole new, much more palatable economic crisis.

FROM THE DRIVERS SEAT - June 6th, 2011

DATELINE: DOING THE JOCK-SHOW CURCUIT: Howard Stern is at one of those points in his life we all come to… a crossroads, if you will… and he has a decision to make. Should the master shock-jock, that self-proclaimed King of the Media bow down to the likes of Bill Simmons, aka sportsguy33, who is challenging the title with his fucking twitter-foo? We all hang with anchovy-baited breath for the results of this one.

Bill Simmons, ESPN’s The Sports Guy, formerly The Boston Sports Guy, though, has a book, a column, a podcast, and his own website (insert overawed fucking squeal here) AND he’s just a bit of a tweetie. Now in the thick of the Stanley Cup playoffs, Simmons’ light could shine like a beacon to the world. He’s got a modicum of cute, he’s clean-cut, dresses sorta classy… the total antithesis to Howard, and man, he could totally rawk the fucking world, if only it wasn’t about stupid fucking useless perspective-skewing absolutely irrelevant professional sports.

Yes, Howard has written a book, has done the late night show shit, pay-per-view crap and ran for public office (wouldn’t that have been a fucking laugh fest). Now Howard’s return volley… the release of a movie… The Howard Stern Parody… trailered as Howard Stern with Penetration. Wow! If he says so, it MUST be true. Of course, it’s nothing more than a vehicle to promote more of his obnoxious degrading crap with some on-screen sex to help pump up the holy fuck factor BUT to his credit, he does obnoxious degrading crap about life behind the Howard Stern show, so no harm done.

Seriously, how the fuck could someone like Bill Simmons compete with such things as Fartman, Virgin Mary Kong, Bestiality Dial-a-Date, Butt Bongo Fiesta and his first PPV Event Howard Stern’s Negligee & Underpants Party. This is all classic crap. Then again, Stern is not going to be able to write erudite clichés about hockey, about giving 110% percent to the team, about rallying and bringing the mug back home, which begs the question ‘Who the fuck would want to?’

I quite honestly couldn’t give a crap about which one of them is the King of the Media because, well, they are both totally fucking irrelevant. One’s life is about shocking people about crap that doesn’t matter. Hello, Howard… most guys have penises, most women have vaginas and we, for the most part, know how they work, so you really aren’t telling us anything new, neat or wonderful. Spending a life taking pot-shots at people and making millions doing it is… well… a lame fucking waste of breath. Then again, spending all your waking hours dissecting the passing of a puck is a likewise waste.

Don’t get me wrong… I like watching a game of hockey or baseball. I can take in a tennis match, football or even watch a bit of golf (I have also been known to watch flies fuck, but that’s a different blog.) . What pisses me off is that professional sports have become elitist, promoting multi-million dollar contracts for arrogant bad-boys who are then put on a pedestal, admired and emulated by children all over the place, while really never doing a fucking thing to earn it. So they can pass a puck. Whoop-de-fucking do. It’s a special talent worthy of that money? Well, hell, I can run across the yard with walnuts tucked under my tits and never drop a one, but you don’t see people paying me for that. They have taken the value out of sports… the lessons of sportsmanship, good winning, good losing, fair play, honor, and the desire to be the best you can be. Now it’s about the money, winning, the money, crushing the opponent, and getting that line of press, even if that means taking all those millions and snorting it up your nose for a quick high, then jumpin in your million dollar car and killing someone with it because they dared to think they could share the road with a star athlete.

Of course, knowing what pubic hair art Brittney or Paris is sporting today really doesn’t make a hell of a lot of difference in most people’s lives either. I know my day isn’t any fucking better for the knowledge. I don’t expect that we should be inundated with doom and gloom… sports, entertainment and sex all apparently have their place, BUT when these are the things that consume our lives, when these are the holy grail our children are taught to lust after, we have a fucking problem.

Men and women in uniform die to preserve these two assholes’ rights to be out there doing what they do, however fluff-crappish it might be. Children are being beaten, tortured, murdered for the simple act they came from the wrong town or walked out their door while the leader of the country was feeling a bit pissy. People in Haiti STILL live in tents and refugee camps as nothing is being accomplished to help them. People in Joplin had their lives shattered, as did the people on this continent that have fallen victim to floods, and fires, and let’s not forget those who succumbed to the uncontained hatred of another. There are scores of children who are sick, people who are handicapped, seniors who are alone and incredibly lonely, military vets who need help because their government has turned a blind eye... they don't need just money, they need help and support and for people to be aware of their issues. They don't care a rat's ass about Brittney or J-Lo and they will never see a fucking hockey game or have the chance to play one. So what the hell do these two ‘kings of the media’ give us. Sweet fuck all… but it doesn’t have to be that way. They are smart, talented men who could make a fucking difference in a lot of lives. They could use their celebrity, their skills, their audiences not just to entertain, but to help. Jon Stewart found a way to do it, as did Stephen Colbert, George Carlin, Robin Williams, Angelina Jolie. Stern did it before… in 1979 when he called for a boycott of Shell Oil Company. People listened; people were effected, and Stern made a difference that didn’t have something to do with inflating his fucking prick. Where the hell is that Howard Stern now, when we need him? Then again, what in the name of all that is fucking holy are we doing listening to this shit and lining all their pockets? King of the media? Neither one of these two dweebs. The king will be crowned when someone with the media savvy of either one of these guys decides to use that skill to affect some change for the better for those who really need it, and NOT obsess on finger-biting hockey players and beaver-flashing faux celebs.

DAILY NEWS -- APRIL 23rd, 2010

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 23rd, 2010

DATELINE: BEHIND A PRETEND NEWS DESK – Bernie Goldberg went onto ‘almost’ national television (because, well, he was on Fox) and slammed Jon Stewart in an ‘explosive’ response that was really nothing more than burrito after burn. You might ask ‘who gives a shit?’ Well, I will explain to you why you have to give a shit. Mainline news, news that is supposed to be serious, informative, help us to understand our world and the issues that affect us all, every day, in every walk of life and in every part of the world, should NOT be wasting fucking time taping rebuttals to, (and Jon, I love you dearly and you are so incredibly fucking lickable hawt, as well as pinchably cute AND incredibly funny) a COMIC SPOOF news program. Obviously there is only one reason for this, and that is jealousy. Well, it could also be Goldberg could, in fact, be a total raving idiot (not to mention hypocrite), since he spent all that time slamming you from the safe confines of a little box at Fox. I noticed a sad glimmer of a tear of rejection in his eye when he complained about not getting any tongue when Jon kissed him. The sad fact of the matter is that we get more accurate, more pertinent, more professional and WAY more informative news from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert than we do from any of the fucking yellow drool that oozes from the lips of too many political commentators on television, and the assholes at Fox know that. So, Bernie, hon… stick with Tucker Carlson cause, well, he’s about all the man you can handle. Leave the likes of Jon Stewart to me; believe me, I would take that lap dance with him in a fucking heartbeat. Oh, and Mr. Colbert, for the record, Ice holes are mine!

DATELINE: TORONTO – Nothing says ‘Welcome to Canada’ like being hit on by the immigration judge handling your case. Apparently Judge Steve Ellis believed it was just fine to boink newcomers. I would love to know how the issue of his ‘terrible’ marriage and his desperate need for a girlfriend comes up in an immigration interview, but goddamn it, he managed. He had it all figured out, that even though the woman he was hitting on was in a relationship already, it was okay, because he was married too, and so they would just do it ‘on the side’. You have to give this perverted sick son of a bitch credit though, because he probably taught her a whole new fucking vocabulary to help her adjust to life in North America. Oh, and he even went so far as to reassure her that he would not be too demanding, because he was ‘not going to fall in love with’ her. This guy was one smoooooth talker. I just can’t imagine why the hell he was in a miserable loveless marriage. Little did he know that the woman’s other half was aware of his attempts and was recording these conversations. That his victim was seeking asylum in Canada because of her physically abusive father and threats she received in her homeland makes this story even more sickening. What I want to know is why it took FOUR fucking years for this to come to light and for this son of a bitching power-abusing prick to have his ass kicked off the bench.

DATELINE: THE SOCIALIST AREPA SHOP NEAR YOU – Hugo Chavez has done it again! The man is a fucking genius. In an attempt to help feed the many many starving people of his country, he has opened up The Socialist Arepa Shop line, a government-owned fast-food joint that offers arepas at one third of the normal cost, as well as “Chavez is a winner’ t-shirts. Of course, inflation has already hit their customers, because the cost of an arepa has gone from 5 bolivars to 7.5 bolivars overnight. With the snappy socialist slogans on the walls, it seems as though Chavez has found yet another way to stick it to his people, filling their tummies and their heads at the same time, not that it matters, because he seems to have the fate of the country locked up, thanks to HIS lap- dancing with the likes of Putin and Ahmadinejad. For some reason this smacks of yet another ‘ohhhh shiny – over there’ distraction while he gives the real food to him growing armies and saves the grease for his adoring public.

DATELINE: WISCONSIN – It was only a matter of time before someone filed a legal suit naming Pope Benedict and his involvement in the thousands of sexual abuse cases that have plagued Catholics. All I can say is ‘It’s about fucking time’. The Vatican, a religious equivalent of Toyota, has much to account for, and to offer lame-ass lip service about the changes they will make is too little too late by all standards. That the Pope, either now OR in his Cardinal Ratzinger beanie, was unaware of what was happening, the scope of it OR the hiding of it, is a totally asinine suggestion. A priest couldn’t pass fucking meat-tinged gas on a Friday without him knowing about it, so there is no reasonable, logical, believable way that he did not know about the priests that were abusing children. That this is only a civil case is annoying. Why the hell are there not criminal charges being sought? This man was the ONE MAN who could have, for the last twenty-plus years, stopped this bullshit from happening. He had the authority, he had the knowledge, he was almost assuredly aware of what was happening, and he allowed it to continue, making him also criminally responsible. That the stories were hidden, the priests removed and relocated to offend again, also makes him an accessory to what they did. This man, this wonderful holy-er than thou pajama-clad hypocrite needs to be held to account; it’s the only right thing to do for the sake of all the victims, it’s the only right way to make sure it does not happen again to other children, and it is the only way the Church and all its good priests will EVER regain that lost credibility.

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 18th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 18th, 2010

DATELINE: FLORIDA – Tiger Woods is going to talk to the press... sort of.... on his terms... because apparently his arrogance has not been damaged in his misplaced fucking putter scandal. He will talk to a very small group of hand-picked media, giving them about a five minute statement and not allowing any questions. In order to protect his overpaid elitist ass, all other media will be watching the statement from a ballroom in a hotel a mile away, allowing him for a fast and free getaway, as long as there are no fucking trees around for him to drive into. The fact that anyone gives this man the time of day now is totally fucking beyond me. He does not deserve the adulation he gets. He plays a fucking game where he hits a ball with a stick. It’s time to tell this bad cat that we just don’t give a shit about him. Justice would be if no one showed up at all for his fucking propaganda pitch.

DATELINE: MOSCOW – Chatroulette.com is a relatively new webcam chat site that allows strangers to connect with strangers via webcam. The problem? You can click into a room and find yourself staring at some guy wanking off for the fans. There are no ways to control what is seen, there are no controls to keep children or anyone else from wandering in to this site and seeing the many sick fucking bastardos that view this as the perfect opportunity to be sick fucking bastardos, just because we need more of this shit in our lives.

DATELINE: AUSTRALIA – A freak tornado touched down in a cornfield. The guy who owned the cornfield stood on his porch to videotape it as the tornado came roaring towards his house. Nothing like playing fucking chicken with Mama Nature. This guy, though, won. The tornado turned and went off through the field again. Ya gotta love those Aussie boys – they are totally fucking fearless.

DATELINE: NIGER – Reports indicate they are in the throws of a coup this morning. Comrade Harper, please note what the fuck happens to arrogant fucking leaders who are democratically elected and take that as a free pass to do whatever the hell they want, including changing the rules of democracy.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – President Obama will be meeting with the Dalai Lama this morning. They will not be meeting in the Oval Office though – a concession to appease the Chinese who are outraged about the meeting. It is important for Obama to continue to kiss China’s ass in an attempt to garner their assistance in stopping the advances Korea and Iran are making towards becoming nuclear powers. Gotta love this fucking democracy game. Caviar and ass-kissing and to hell with logic.

DATELINE: NEW YORK – A twelve-year-old girl was handcuffed and arrested, paraded through her classroom and school to the police station. Her offence? She fucking doodled on her desk that she loves her friends. Every kid in that class who had a fucking joint tucked inside his textbook was probably crapping his pants, but what the hell. Let’s be hard on crime and arrest those little girls who doodle love on a fucking desk. The principal is the one who should be hauled away in fucking handcuffs. Its a sick fucking world when supposedly educated people cannot manage to make a logical fucking judgement call. At this rate, we are totally doomed to force them all into a life of fucking crime. Way to go.

DATELINE: ALABAMA – The news today about Amy Grant? She caught everyone off guard with her gun toting tirade in a staff meeting. Six people shot, three are dead, two are still in critical condition, and we are hearing about the slightly eccentric, erudite educated woman who did not suffer fools but was at heart a sweet woman? Gimme a fucking break. She killed her own fucking brother, reported kids to the police for playing basketball, complained about a fucking ice cream truck in her neighbourhood, made a guys life hell because his dog barked (except he didn’t even own a fucking dog) and punched out a mom at a fucking IHOP, and THIS is normal? She claimed that the people in her previous neighbourhood up around Boston were sort of educationally below her and so she didn’t fit in, but I bet, by God, she was gonna just fucking browbeat them till she did. Thankfully she moved out of that neighbourhood before she went fucking nuts with her gun there as well.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – The Flame, The Flame... The Fucking Olympic Flame. Here is what to do to fix the problem with the fucking flame. Take down the fence, have a couple of your pretty little mounties standing guard around it, like what happens at every other fucking memorial in the world, and let the people get up close and take their pictures with the added bonus of the red serge also being in the picture. What a fucking PR coup that would be! Too bad no one there has the fucking brains to think of that. We need Stephen Colbert running the fucking games. We need Stephen Colbert running the fucking country.

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 17th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 17th, 2010

DATELINE: ARGENTINA – All ships wanting to go to the Falkland Islands must now first apply for permission to do so from the Argentine government. This is all because of the never-ending almighty fucking quest for oil, because that shit just hasn’t caused enough problems in the world already.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – Wow. Where to fucking start. The Official Languages Commission is now investigating complaints that there was not enough French used in the opening ceremonies and that the French that was used was ‘obligatory’. Yes, it fucking was, and yes, there was enough of it. More to the point, what the fuck are we doing spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on this? The hope of those complaining is to get the closing ceremonies changed so more French is included. For the love of god, this is what we have to bitch about? People STILL starving and dying in Haiti, people STILL starving a dying here, people out of work, people losing homes, jobs shrivelling up and we are going to get our fucking panties in a twist because there was not enough French spoken at the Opening Ceremonies? How totally fucked up can we get as a nation?

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – Already 8,000 tickets were cancelled for viewers of the events at Cypress Bowl, home of the snowboarding events. That means for the last couple days, people who held those tickets, who bought flights and accommodation to come to Vancouver to take part in the events, who could only get the Standing Room Only tickets, get to miss out on everything. They will get the price of their tickets back... whoop-de-fucking-do. Now, though, they have announced that for the next few days, an additional 20,000 tickets daily will also be cancelled (just the cost of the tickets is over $1M). Now, while I realize VANOC does not control the weather (although their fucking arrogance would suggest that at some point they probably did think they could), they DID make the decision to have these events at Cypress Bowl which is notorious for its lack of snow most years, and THEN they made the decision to NOT have a back-up location for the events should the weather not co-operate with them. They DO own this clusterfuck... not the weatherman, not the skiers and sure as hell not the spectators who paid for tickets in good faith only to get screwed over by VANOC total lack of foresight.

DATELINE: IRAN – President Ahmedinejad responded to US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s comments in Qatar but warning the world they will ‘regret increasing sanctions’ on Iran. He went on to say that Mrs. Clinton’s remarks were ‘not wise’. This totally adds to my argument that the man is nucking futs and that perhaps Mrs. Clinton knows a crazy prick when she sees one.

DATELINE: NEW YORK – David Letterman slammed Canadians in regard to the accident that killed Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili. Letterman accused us of being hypocrits because we made adjustments to the track to prevent a similar accident. The death was a tragedy by all accounts, and no one denies that, and perhaps something more could have been done, but honestly I don't know. However, I suppose if there is anyone who would know about being a hypocrite, especially when beating on his desk and expounding the fucking moral high-road, it would be David Letterman. His opinion gets about the same amount of credence as the god damned people screaming that our snowboarders pants aren’t baggy enough.

DATELINE: OTTAWA – Omar Khadr’s lawyers have filed an emergency motion to quash the government’s decision to ask the United States to not use evidence gathered by Canadian officials in their prosecution of Khadr. This is admittedly a compromise position based on the Supreme Court ruling of last week that the government is not legally bound to demand the repatriation of Khadr. Khadr’s history and connection to terrorist training camps not withstanding (wow, I almost sound like a fucking lawyer!) here is my bitch. When people go to other countries and commit crimes in those countries, why the fuck do we spend millions of dollars to get them off the hook? You go to someone else’s land, you fucking abide by their laws and if you break those laws by peddling your dope or stealing or yes, being involved in a terrorist fire fight that lasts 4 hours with US soldiers and then throwing a grenade and killing one of those soldiers, you face the fucking consequences. We do not allow people to come to our country and totally blow off our fucking laws. We do not allow women to get stoned in our streets for using a fucking cellphone, and so if those people who do live by that law come here and start to stone a woman, we take issue. If you break a law, YOU pay the fucking consequences... not everyone in the god damned country.

DATELINE: OHIO – Monks have taken a local No-Tell Motel, one opening and publicly used as a house of ill-repute, and have started to turn it into a religious retreat. Vibrating beds and holy water -- this could give the whole missionary position thing a new fucking spin.

DATELINE: OTTAWA -- The former head chaplain for the armed forces has been charged with several sex crimes, including buggery, a crime which no longer is part of the criminal code here, but because the offences date back to 1972, they used the litigation of the day for that. It’s yet another black eye for military echelon here, as well as for the catholic community. The truly sad part is that we are all just sitting back and shrugging and saying ‘yeah, again... so what?

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – Sex-pot Uber-comedian Stephen Colbert (yes, I will resort to flattery and whoring myself sometimes) will be in Vancouver today and tomorrow to film his show and take part in the Olympic Speed Skating events as a pseudo-dignitary. I hope there are no fucking security fences around him that might collapse. Perhaps he should be stationed right beside that fucking outside flame because that seems to be the only thing still secure (totally fucking impervious to anyone who is not a celeb) around the place.