DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 7th, 2011

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 7th, 2011

DATELINE: GETTING OFF THE SUPERBOWL, AND FLUSHING IT – It’s a pretty damned sad situation when even I have to acknowledge that the best part of the Superbowl game was the damned game. What the fuck happened to the commercials? Where were the Budweiser horses? Where were the woodchucks and the bayou frogs and all the great shit? The commercials sucked! It was a damned good thing Green Bay managed some awesome plays, things like interceptions and fumble recoveries they made count. Now if they would just get rid of those gross disgusting uber-unsexy yellow fucking pants!

DATELINE: CROSSING THE CHASM BETWEEN SORROW AND RAGE – Every Canadian should be doing this right now, as well as mourning the death of Nodar Kumaritashvili anew. On February 12th, 2010, while doing a practice run for his upcoming Olympic event, the Georgian luger died when his sled went out of control. The organizers of the Vancouver Olympics stated categorically they had no reason ever to be concerned about the track, and this was just a tragic event that can happen in sports. However, documents obtained through Access of Information applications shows a totally different story. A year before the opening of the Olympic games, and before Kumaritashvili’s death, the International Luge Federation committed to paper their concerns about the track. VANOC officials then committed their internal acknowledgements to paper. “There is nothing to do on our side but it does put in writing concerns about the speeds of the track if there was ever an accident,” wrote Tim Gayda, managing director of sport for VANOC. John Furlong, CEO of VANOC, takes it one step further. “(E)mbedded in this note (cryptic as it may be) is a warning that the track is in their view too fast and someone could get badly hurt. An athlete gets badly injured or worse and I think the case could be made we were warned and did nothing.” The case COULD be made? What the fuck is the matter with you people! The warnings from the International Luge Federation go back much further – to March 2005 in fact – stating that there were some major problems with the design of the track and specifically pointing out the need for specific changes to six of the curves on the track, including the curves that resulted in Kumaritashvili’s death. VANOC of course argues that the International Bobsleigh and Tobogganing Federation argued there was no need to changes, and indications so far are that changes were made to only two of the curves, but not all six and not the ones where Kumaritashvili died. It is to be hoped that someone learns a fucking lesson from this... for the purposes of the lugers, this track was not safe, their international organization knew it, VANOC knew it, Furlong knew it. It is to be hoped that at least some Criminal Negligence Causing Death charges are forthcoming, and that the Georgia team and Nodar Kumaritashvili’s family is properly informed of the culpability of the fucking VANOC organization. If ever there was a day to be ashamed, this was it. Nodar Kumaritashvili was 21.

DATELINE: IN THE FRAT HOUSE, BEHAVING BADLY -- When the hell did it become okay for us to settle our differences by pulling out a gun? Seriously, have we become so fucking self-centered that when we behave like asses and are asked to leave a party or an event, that gives us the right to come back and shoot people? I thought we were a fucking civilized society, but once again I have been proven wrong. This weekend, two men were angry about something that happened at a frat house party in Youngstown, Ohio, so they left, returned a little while later, and opened up on the people in the house, shooting 11, killing 1. The boy who was killed, Jamail E Johnson, had stepped into the fray to try and separate the warring factions. So much for gallantry, I guess. He was shot once in the head and ‘multiple times’ in the hips and legs’. Johnson was involved in a fraternity program that emphasized manhood and scholarship. The two little puissant asshole brats who shot him apparently were lacking in the manhood department. There is still a 17-year-old in critical condition who was shot in the head, and two others are still in hospital suffering from wounds to the abdomen.

DATELINE: MOURNING CHIVALRY – Jordan Morrison is dead. The 19-year-old boy from Ontario was beaten to death while in the Dominican Republic. Why? Because while he was at a disco with a female friend, he took objection to another man spitting on her. I have no idea why the man spit on Morrison’s companion, but it really doesn’t matter a tinker’s damn. There is no reason for a man to spit on a woman, but one can assume that the man was a bit of an arrogant ignorant prick, so that might explain a lot. Morrison pushed the man away from his girl, injected himself between them, some shouting followed and then things settled down as things tend to do. However, in this age of absolute entitlement and encouragement of assholedness, when the club closed, Morrison was confronted outside, pushed to the ground and beaten... to death. What the fuck was his crime? He asked a man to grow up and act like a fucking man? He wasn’t going to allow his woman to be treated like crap and stood up to assholes. Included in the mob that killed him were two Canadians who, again, have not been named for the media, but they are 21 and 27 years old and will be facing prosecution in the Dominican Republic. It is hoped that the two sons of bitches never see the light of day again.

DATELINE: ON MY KNEES, THANKING GOD HE IS NO LONGER IN A POSITION OF AUTHORITY AND THAT GEORGE BUSH NEVER DIED IN OFFICE – Could you imagine it? Dick Cheney really calling the shots for the most powerful country in the world? Take a minute to think about that, and remember it when it comes time to vote again – the running mate can matter, and should be a consideration. This weekend, Cheney proved again that his judgment is up his ass, very very far up his ass, when he said, while speaking of Hosni Mubarak ‘He’s been a good man, a good friend and ally to the United States.’ Well, yes, he might have been a good friend... out of necessity... but seriously? A good man? At some point we have to recognize that in the political game, in order to survive, it is sometimes necessary to make deals with the devil. Who trained and armed Osama Bin Laden? Who helped Saddam Hussein (or, in this household as he is so lovingly named, SoDamn Insane) rise to power so he could help political interests in the developing world? The list is long... very long... of devils that are involved in deals. That shit happens; sometimes it has to, but please, is it fucking necessary to then turn around and call him a ‘good man’? He was a fucking despot ruler, kept his people poor and starving. Why the hell else do you think they are revolting and demanding he was gone? You think they are doing that because he was a ‘good friend’ and a ‘good man’? Give me a fucking break. Cheney, you are out of office so please keep your stupid fucking comments to yourself. I just got over the years of nightmares knowing you could have, but for the grace of God, been at the helm; don’t make the nightmares start again.

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 23rd, 2010

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 23rd, 2010

DATELINE: CALIFORNIA – You might want to put down the morning muffin for this one, Sugar-britches. You know the old thing about boys and their toys? It takes a new spin today. 60-year-old Steven Ferrini was arrested for drug possession earlier this month by California Highway Patrol officers, and taken for processing. It was at this time that the arresting officer found wires running around Ferrini’s body, starting at his front pants pocket where he had a small on/off switch. He explained that it was his anal vibrator, and since he could not be thrown into the cell with his funny twitchy thumb up his bum, it was decided that medical personnel would be required to remove it. It’s probably safe to say that the arresting cop was not having a good day. However, while making arrangements for ‘the procedure’, Ferrini started talking about his skills in bomb construction, always a wise brag while in police custody, which caused police officials to reconsider what had to be done. Yes, folks, it could have been that the really hip terrorists might have just created the Ass Bomb. The decision was made that the offices would be evacuated (*insert severe nose-snort snicker here*) and the ‘Explosive Ordinance Disposal’ Team brought in for removal of said possible explosive ordinance – aka Mr. Knobbly Long Finger. Three hours later… yes, it took three fucking hours for them to decide if they should cut the red one or the blue one… Ferrini’s ass was defused. Sorry, but there is just not enough Hazard Pay for this sort of work.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON, DC – While we are on the subject of taking it up the ass, in an interesting and quirky bit of irony, it seems that while the economy and taxpayers were being fucked over by the likes of Goldman Sachs, high-ranking officials at the SEC were busy watching porn on their work computers, some for up to 8 hour a day, downloading it onto their hard drives and burning it onto discs which were also paid for by taxpayers. Inspectors for the SEC conducted 33 probes (yes, we are just totally chock a fucking block full of anal euphemisms today, aren’t we?) 31 of which were done just before the economic crash and burn. Over half of the people found to be spending their time and tax dollars ‘fucking the dog’ were making over $200,000/year. Assholes, spend your own time and your own fucking money to get your jollies. That any of these people would still be allowed to work for the government is absolutely astounding, and not just a little bit sickening.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – And sticking to what is sure to be a successful theme, in the aftermath of the Olympics, and the subsequent presentation of the bill for same, questions have arisen as to the disposition of a huge fucking number of tickets purchased by Crown Corporations, corporations that are funded by we, the taxpayer, yet administered as if they were private entities other than for the fact that those who head those entities all seem to have the typical government ‘let’s fuck the taxpayers up the ass just one more time’ mentalities. In response to a request from opposition members, a list was provided detailing who used the incredibly expensive Olympic tickets at BC Hydro, a fair request, because it would be nice to think that the tickets were used not to take the chairman’s extended family for a fun week on our dime. The list was provided, with EVERY fucking name blacked out ‘for privacy’. This has become the new favorite Canadian government game, apparently at all levels of administration. The evidence regarding torture of prisoners was also issued on totally black pages. Not to worry, though, because Mary McNeil, the minister for the Olympic games has said that all government-purchased tickets will have the user disclosed in an upcoming report, and then thought she adeptly tap-danced her fucking way around the whole issue of the crown corporation ones, brushing it off with the explanation that the crown corporations have their own process and requirements to report the information to, and their own boards to receive that information. That would be code for ‘Yes, we are going to sit back and watch the show, make the popcorn and prepare the Boom-chacka-chacka music for the repeated fucking of the taxpayers once again. Have a nice day.’

DATELINE: SAUDI ARABIA – I totally accept that different cultures have different customs and beliefs, but no matter how the hell you try to explain this, it still comes out as fucking sick. Parents of an 11-year-old girl had her married last year, for a dowry of $23,350.00 to the father’s 80-year-old cousin. How in the name of all that is fucking holy can anyone think this is okay? They sold their CHILD, essentially prostituting her. This week, the girl was finally able, through what has to be an incredibly awesome (I also imagine him to be rather hawt) lawyer with the Human Rights Commission, to divorce her husband. Her family agreed that a settlement could be reached privately, without court involvement. While some clerics there would argue that the Prophet Muhammad set the precedent for child brides, it is unlikely, back in the time of Muhammad, that women lived much beyond the age of 40, so they probably had to get an early start. Congratulations to the girl, both for her new-found freedom, and for making the Saudi government take notice that perhaps their laws regarding minimum marriage ages should be reviewed. Duh! Look, if you have to marry them off, find a couple of Larry King’s for them – you know, one foot in the grave and pockets heavily laden with gold they might stand to inherit in no time at all.

DATELINE: INDIANA – Flying directly in the old adage ‘happy as a pig in shit’, police in Albion, Indiana found a wanted suspect buried up to his neck in a liquid manure pit. They had been searching for him regarding drug charges (qu’elle surprise!) when they found him hiding in a mixture of hog and dog shit (apparently big fucking dogs). The suspect was pulled from the shit and taken to hospital for treatment of hypothermia, I am sure crowning off a perfectly lovely day for some paramedics and nurses, who found themselves cleaning shit for hours after the fact.

DATELINE: POPE BENEDICT’S HELL – Yes, they are falling like fucking chess pieces, and I have to blame those promiscuous women that cause the earthquakes. First a German bishop, then an Irish bishop, a Belgian bishop have all resigned this week. "When I was still a simple priest and for a while when I began as a bishop, I sexually abused a young man in my close entourage," the bishop of Bruges, Roger Vangheluwe, said in a statement at a news conference in Brussels. Two more Irish bishops are waiting in the wings, their letters already submitted and just waiting for the Pope to accept. Well, Whoop-de-fucking-do! To accept their resignations, to see them fade off into the evening, their pensions secured, to live a life of idyllic peace in the country is a load of fucking papal crap. Not until criminal charges are laid, until proper civil legal process is started, will there be anything close to a fucking resolution to this. Please quit insulting us and just stop victimizing the victims further and do what you know is the right thing to do.

DAILY NEWS - MARCH 2nd, 2010

DAILY NEWS - March 2nd, 2010

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – Yes, we have some new Olympic 2010 Rings. In a totally over-the-top friendly way, the Vancouver Olympics set a new record, one that had no fucking medals – Over the 17 days of the Olympic Games, 100,000 condoms were passed out, for all those other games. The demand was so high, an emergency shipment was brought in. Condoms were available for all the athletes and residents of the athlete’s village, but also for the security forces staying on the fucking cruise ships in the harbor and for all staff and volunteers. They were available in all public venues and were even handed out by the Olympic Volunteers. Apparently we take that whole ‘Make Love Not War’ thing rather seriously.

DATELINE: RUSSIA – Boy, it didn’t take long for fucking heads to roll in that newest of Olympic sports – “Who can I blame”. President Dmitry Medvedev has already called for resignations because of Russia’s worst Winter Olympic showing in a hundred years. Thankfully he is not taking his anger out on the athletes who gave their all to their sports. But seriously, nothing says fucking healthy competition and love of the sport like governments lopping heads off because of a medal count.

DATELINE: SOUTH CAROLINA – You gotta love true fucking democracy where, for the mere cost of $5 (that would be US funds), you can register your subversive group’s name, check the box that asks “Do you or your organization directly or indirectly advocate, advise, teach or practice the duty or necessity of controlling, seizing or overthrowing the government?” and you are set. I love this fucking law – the ‘Subversive Activities Registration Act’ that is now under thread of being repealed. We should all have one of these bills. It makes you wonder if this is law doesn’t totally play into the hands of the fucking terrorists… homegrown or otherwise. Could they argue that because they had their fucking permit, they were okay to discuss their plans and recruit for their group? Instead of a million fucking media outlets making fun of the stupid shit-brained law, perhaps they should just take an axe to this potential loophole. Oh, and the fine for NOT checking the little box if you are planning to overthrow the government? $25,000 and 10 years in the big house.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – The President of the United States had his medical check-up. I had one too today, but no one really seems to give a flying fuck about my health or my cholesterol. Obama is supposed to walk more, to help lower his cholesterol. Perhaps they should put the secret service in the car and have the president run beside the fucking thing.

DATELINE: DETROIT – Okay, it’s time for a new spin of the Toyota Wheel of Recall, so get out yer owner’s slips and check for the luck number. They announced yesterday that they are recalling almost 1M cars because of an oil hose leak that could cause damage to the engine. Check your tickets folks, cause you might still be one of the lucky owners. Here is one more chance to stop feeling left out of the Toyota wave.

In an effort to be fair, GM also had a recall of 1.3M cars yesterday, in order to fix faulty power steering issues. They emphasize though that the problem is only an issue if you are driving below 15 miles per hour. WalMart Shoppers, please be careful while exiting the buildings, because the parking lot could be a fucking gong show with all those crazy cars crawling amok.

DATELINE: SAN FRANCISCO – One Bad Apple….. In a recent audit, Apple Inc discovered more than a dozen labor law violations and breaches of their own labor standards with some of its suppliers. This is because so much of their work is contracted out to other countries where it is more difficult to monitor. Bottom fucking line… if you want to buy a Mac, make it the 18-wheel kind.

DATELINE: UNITED STATES – Finally we have some good news regarding the fucking economy. As a result of the weak financial situation, shark attacks are down around the US. Yes, people are now too poor to be able to afford the gas to drive to the beach, meaning there are fewer people in the ocean to be tempting to any hungry fucking sharks.