Monday, March 1, 2010

DAILY NEWS - MARCH 2nd, 2010

DAILY NEWS - March 2nd, 2010

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – Yes, we have some new Olympic 2010 Rings. In a totally over-the-top friendly way, the Vancouver Olympics set a new record, one that had no fucking medals – Over the 17 days of the Olympic Games, 100,000 condoms were passed out, for all those other games. The demand was so high, an emergency shipment was brought in. Condoms were available for all the athletes and residents of the athlete’s village, but also for the security forces staying on the fucking cruise ships in the harbor and for all staff and volunteers. They were available in all public venues and were even handed out by the Olympic Volunteers. Apparently we take that whole ‘Make Love Not War’ thing rather seriously.

DATELINE: RUSSIA – Boy, it didn’t take long for fucking heads to roll in that newest of Olympic sports – “Who can I blame”. President Dmitry Medvedev has already called for resignations because of Russia’s worst Winter Olympic showing in a hundred years. Thankfully he is not taking his anger out on the athletes who gave their all to their sports. But seriously, nothing says fucking healthy competition and love of the sport like governments lopping heads off because of a medal count.

DATELINE: SOUTH CAROLINA – You gotta love true fucking democracy where, for the mere cost of $5 (that would be US funds), you can register your subversive group’s name, check the box that asks “Do you or your organization directly or indirectly advocate, advise, teach or practice the duty or necessity of controlling, seizing or overthrowing the government?” and you are set. I love this fucking law – the ‘Subversive Activities Registration Act’ that is now under thread of being repealed. We should all have one of these bills. It makes you wonder if this is law doesn’t totally play into the hands of the fucking terrorists… homegrown or otherwise. Could they argue that because they had their fucking permit, they were okay to discuss their plans and recruit for their group? Instead of a million fucking media outlets making fun of the stupid shit-brained law, perhaps they should just take an axe to this potential loophole. Oh, and the fine for NOT checking the little box if you are planning to overthrow the government? $25,000 and 10 years in the big house.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – The President of the United States had his medical check-up. I had one too today, but no one really seems to give a flying fuck about my health or my cholesterol. Obama is supposed to walk more, to help lower his cholesterol. Perhaps they should put the secret service in the car and have the president run beside the fucking thing.

DATELINE: DETROIT – Okay, it’s time for a new spin of the Toyota Wheel of Recall, so get out yer owner’s slips and check for the luck number. They announced yesterday that they are recalling almost 1M cars because of an oil hose leak that could cause damage to the engine. Check your tickets folks, cause you might still be one of the lucky owners. Here is one more chance to stop feeling left out of the Toyota wave.

In an effort to be fair, GM also had a recall of 1.3M cars yesterday, in order to fix faulty power steering issues. They emphasize though that the problem is only an issue if you are driving below 15 miles per hour. WalMart Shoppers, please be careful while exiting the buildings, because the parking lot could be a fucking gong show with all those crazy cars crawling amok.

DATELINE: SAN FRANCISCO – One Bad Apple….. In a recent audit, Apple Inc discovered more than a dozen labor law violations and breaches of their own labor standards with some of its suppliers. This is because so much of their work is contracted out to other countries where it is more difficult to monitor. Bottom fucking line… if you want to buy a Mac, make it the 18-wheel kind.

DATELINE: UNITED STATES – Finally we have some good news regarding the fucking economy. As a result of the weak financial situation, shark attacks are down around the US. Yes, people are now too poor to be able to afford the gas to drive to the beach, meaning there are fewer people in the ocean to be tempting to any hungry fucking sharks.

1 comment:

  1. I am shocked the South Carolina law is known everywhere except here - somebody must not be proud of it. I'll go down where they sell lottery tickets tomorrow, I can probably pick up the form there, then start looking for sponsors. This could be fun.