DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 28th, 2011

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 28th, 2011

DATELINE: DOING THE GADHAFI DANCE – It’s very sad that there is anyone on who is a fucking nuts as Gadhafi, but watching the interview with Charlie Sheen… oppps… The Asswipe… on television this morning showed that he is more than up to the task of stealing the crown from Muammar. Make your kids watch it… It is all the evidence a person needs regarding the effect of drugs on your brain. How can I make that comparison? Simply watch their eyes; they both have the absolutely crazy indignant eyes going on, with the how-dare-you brow movements. Also consider the Amazonian guard that Gadhafi has, and Sheen’s new collection of live-in goddesses. More than anything, though, listen to the absolutely fucking nuts ravings and insane denials from both. Gadhafi denies using violence against his people (helicopters opening fire on the crowds notwithstanding) and Sheen denies he has done anything wrong, that he has any problems, and claims he is a ‘total frigging rock star from Mars’ with ‘tiger blood, Adonis DNA’ ---*squeeeeeee* He is soooooo speshulllll!! Gadhafi claims that drug addicts are trying to destroy and discredit him… Sheen claims that the network and the producer are ‘destroying my family’. ‘How?’ you might ask. ‘Well, duh’ (another of her erudite quotes from the interview) the network is taking money from his family by stopping the show. Lemme do some math here… he has made almost $2M PER EPISODE for the last year, so that along should feed a normal family with five kids for, oh.. a fucking lifetime, and now you dare to demand a 67% raise to make $3M an episode? Here are some facts, you petulant, puissant little piece of shit.. you made more money than you were worth, you pissed that money away with NO regard for your wives or your children, you have been irresponsible and unreliable to your co-workers (yes, practices are necessary and do count and only a completely dick-headed narcissist thinks otherwise), your rantings and diatribes totally confirm that the powers that be at the network and Warner Brothers (‘Charlie Brothers’?? Give me a fucking break) and it is now time for you to fade off into B Movie oblivion. Take those offers for those ‘great’ movies you listed… because that will mean I never have to see you on my television again. Please please please, Warner Brothers and CBS, cut that fucking asswipe loose, and carry on the show with Jon Cryer and Conchata Ferrell in the lead roles… they have earned it. Brooke and Denise… get the kids the hell away from him before he destroys more than just his own life. The kids deserve better and should be protected from this fucking insane asswipe.

DATELINE: ON THE CARPET TO EXCESS RICHES -- Much was made this week of the Canadian contribution to the gift bags given to the nominees at the Academy Awards ceremony last night. What the fuck is that about? Gift bags? There are people who make more money for one movie than many countries use to run their nations for a year, so what the hell are they getting gift bags for? And we are not talking chicken shit presents here… we’re talking in excess of $75,000 worth of trinkets like a Belize getaway, an all-inclusive week-long fitness retreat, and a getaway in the Maldives. This year’s goody bag also includes a Motorola Zoom Tablet, fashion designs, jewelry, silk neckwear with Swarovski crystals, artwork, gift certificates, cosmetics, tattoo removal, dog-cleaning products, electronic cigarettes, and the list goes on. What the hell is all this about? They need this shit? They need more travel, more clothes, more watches? There is nothing like celebrating excess with more fucking excess. Here is my suggestion… let the nominees keep their fucking Doggie Doo Doo Oxy Stain Remover (they might need that when the likes of Asswipe Sheen arrives on their doorstep), get cash donations from the generous people who provide the prizes, and give the money to people who really need it.. the ones who cannot make their mortgage payments right now, the ones who are about to lose their homes this month because they lost their jobs a couple months ago, the ones who have been living in their cars for the last year, the ones who sleep in the doorways, the little kids who have no food or health care... This whole fucking Hollywood schtick makes me want to puke.

DATELINE: STILL AMAZINGLY ON THE BENCH – It has taken society far too long to come to the point of realizing that just because a woman dresses in a skirt or wears make-up or goes out in public in the evening, it is not automatically assumed she is out there with the intention to get raped. It was a long and hard battle, and it still has a ways to go, but thanks to a fucking asshat named Robert Dewar, a Manitoba Court of Queen’s Bench Justice, that cause has been set back twenty years. He stated in his judgment that it was perfectly normal for a woman to be dragged into the woods along a dark highway and viciously attacked and raped because of the way she was dressed on the night in question. Yes, he made this statement during sentencing, that there were ‘inviting circumstances’ because the woman was wearing high heels, a tube top and makeup. He said that ‘sex was in the air’ and the accused? Well, he was just a ‘clumsy Don Juan’ who maybe misunderstood what the woman wanted… so he dragged her out of town, into the woods to rape her and assault her. We all fucking scream for that. What was the outcome of the trial, you ask? Well, the man got a two-year conditional sentence, so he is free and out in the community, no harm, no foul. When considering the statistics regarding rapes, not even one third of them are reported to the police. Why? Because the woman is made to feel like she is the reason for it, because she is put on trial, because she is forced to relive the incident over and over and over again… for the son of a bitch to get a walk because of a fucking judge who has his head so far up his own ass, he probably has not seen the light of day in years. That he was NOT released immediately and a retrial ordered within the hour is criminal alone. The lives and safety of thousands of women are now at higher risk again, because of this fucking asshat. Perhaps next time he puts on a pair of shined shoes and a tie and combs his hair, someone should take him into the woods, beat him and rape him. Maybe that’s the only fucking way he will get a clue.

Sunday Sermon with The Rever-end Dillinger

Fear: the indomitable spirit of mankind?

Fear: the indomitable spirit of mankind? The question asked is, I suppose, redundant, the point being that it is all there is after baby times. Infants, it seems, have none. Learn it they do, as they grow, taught to them for fear of injurious death syndrome which brings me to what might be called a point: death! Why does the religious person fear it so? After all, there is a better place, so they say. Could it be fear? I think it is. Here we have it short and sweet; question asked, question answered. We fight disease, pain, consciousness, we fight it all. Then we search for ways to make wider, more encompassing, that conscience which stares us in the face every second of our lives which we so often, suicide-like, choose to ignore, or that chemical aberrational poison of, or in, the head which excuses all evil; drugs, religion, self denial, combinations of all sorts of silliness, or is it?

It is fear, plain and simple. The undoubting believer is afraid he or she just might be wrong, it seems. Why would they fight death so, if that were not the case? Sure, I understand the fear of suffering, pain, cancer therapy, limblessness, going blind, failure, the will to succeed not fail, the latter being the driving force of most, it seems, myself probably included. Oh, by the by, I include myself in all of the above. Do not think for one second that I approach this from on high. No, indeed I do not. I am right slam bang in the middle of it. I am sure many think of these things; they simply have to, right?

I wonder why the subconscious tells us absolute truth. Soldiers know when they are going to buy their lunch. Soldiers know when they are not. Soldiers just know, whether they admit it or not, or rather, if they are listening to their subconscious and simply refuse overtly to believe or understand that, the still small voice that speaks to them in times is always telling the truth. Yes, yes it often screams but is nevertheless ignored by most of us most of the time, me as well. I have learned better, yes I have! I often listen to it, hear it clearly, then totally ignore it, less now than when I was a nipper but still prone to ignore the absolute truth. The spirit of god, which is often, if not always, unheeded gave us the gift of the still small voice which never lies. He also gave us the choice to ignore it which was a tad dastardly to say the least. Come on, you know it is – dastardly, I mean.

Fear: the indomitable spirit of mankind. What makes us stand up and be counted, which is heroic because, of course, you cannot have courage without fear, can you?

So, question asked again and answered, again! The infant has none. It has reaction, shock, shit like that but it has no fear. No, none whatsoever. We have it, so we teach it. A matter of self preservation, you say? Absolutely it is, necessary as all hell. So what is it that makes our tribes as they are everywhere? Maybe I am figuring out catch-22 in my old age? What do you think? That is not bad; after all, better late than never, right?

Go from this electrical search for salvation, leave fear at the wayside of the banal. The Right Reverend Dillinger Flakewaiter gives you permission, as God gave love to his son who was crucified, dead and buried, who rose from the dead to quicken our lives without the devil’s chide. Peace, love to you all on this most glorious of days, our Lord's day. Remember it is every day that fear beckons to you as the whore, the harlot, the politician who craves your power. Remember that the mammon of the devil is fear. Trade places with yourselves, send His message to relieve your hearts. Oh, by the way, I am totally fucking broke so send money. That will alleviate most of your damned fear – Love, Reverend D.

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DATELINE: APPARENTLY NOT CONTROLLING HIS IMPULSES – If I worked on the set of Two and a Half Men, I would not be pissing around any longer. I would be going to my co-workers and collectively finding a fucking lawyer to take asswipe Charlie Sheen down, hereafter referred to as simply Asswipe, because he deserves no further attention in his own name. Enough is enough. The people just trying to work for a living, collectively not even getting paid in a year what the asswipe gets paid for even one episode deserve much better, and that should come in the form on financial remuneration taken from the asswipe’s wallet alone. The likes of Jon Cryer, Conchata Ferrell, Holland Taylor and Angus T Jones deserve much better than they have received. For starters, they have to be given awards for patience and understanding because through all the crap the asswipe has handed out, they have remained steadfast. Justice would be for the show to carry on without the asswipe, perhaps with his character being incarcerated for some totally implausible thing like driving while pissed out of his mind, leaving Alan and Jake to move in with Berta. There is a lesson to be learned in this for the networks – when you pay anyone the amount of money that the asswipe was paid for doing a couple hours of work a day, you are courting disaster. There is NO ONE in the fucking world worth that much money, so perhaps it’s time to stop creating these over-indulgent arrogant asswipes. His tirade about Chuck Lorre, the writer of the program, is unacceptable. His comments about a new series with HBO should be clarified immediately, and the possibility of him making it big in the movies would be a mistake of epic proportions on the part of directors and producers, because in light of his comments, despite whatever bullshit excuses will follow eventually for his incredibly terrible behavior, I suspect no one will be holding their breath to see what he can come up with again, because he has used up all of his do-overs about twenty do-over’s ago. The time has come for these puissant little pieces of shit to be held to account for the many many lives they destroy without a thought. To the crew and cast of Two and a Half Men, you all deserve much praise and respect for your incredible patience, understanding and the class you have shown for the last many years in dealing with such a spoiled brat. One might suggest that he take his ‘fire breathing fists’ and go hunt some real maggots and earthworms. He could start by looking in the fucking mirror.

DATELINE: PACKING HER BAGS AND HEADING TO THE CROWBAR HOTEL – Well, we can hope, right? It’s where Lindsay Lohan, another of the infamously ill-behaving overindulgent hack pack, should be going. She thought she could just ‘take’ the necklace? And it maybe wasn’t worthy quite the $2500? What the fuck is that? She walked out of a fucking store with merchandise she did not pay for, when god knows she is more than able to pay for it, so hold the little bitch accountable for what she does. It’s long overdue. If it was anyone in the ‘real’ world, there would be no excuse. There would be no chance to argue that it was a mistake, that it was the action of a drug-induced haze, or the ravings of a truly delusional idiot… anyone else would be in fucking jail, and would do the full term of their sentence. That’s what this bitch needs, with a cell beside Betina the Biker Babe who has a hankering for skinny whiny bitches. Perhaps a dose of some real fucking life and some real drama that far too many people have to endure, would help Miss Lindsay get her shit together… but then again, that would imply she has a fucking brain and a conscience; both a pretty high expectation considering the evidence.

DATELINE: AND THE OSCAR FOR MOST IRONIC PERFORMANCE GOES TO… -- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in his famous, yet slightly hilarious hit ‘Condemnation of Libyan Atrocities’. (waits for applause to stop). Mahmoud called the actions of his friend, God G’damned Gadhafi, unimaginable as protestors were killed. He implored all Arab leaders to listen to their people (like he does**) and was baffled at how it could be possible for the leader of a nation to use ‘machine guns, tanks and bombs’ against their own citizens (when gas, torture, and hollow-point ammo in smaller firearms is more than sufficient**). He can make these statements though, with a clear conscience, because there will be no people revolting in Iran. They wouldn’t dare to, would they? We should also mention that Mahmoud is a contender for the Oscar in the category of ‘Best Performance of a Despot in a Leading Role’. It’s one hell of a sad fucking day when the likes of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is considered a voice of reason.

** sarcastic font, because you might not catch that. (rolls eyes)

DATELINE: HITTING THE PAGES AND CLEARING AWARD SPACE ON ASHELF ON THE OLD MANTLE – Whether the world is ready for it or not, thanks to the efforts of the slightly insane people at Writers AMuse Me, Bambi will be presented to the world in a new format. The story that brought life to this big old broad will be available for purchase starting April 7th, at the www.WritersAMuseMe.com website. I have no idea what the people there are smoking, but the Ed-Tit-or in Chief has deemed it publishable, so who the hell am I to argue with him. If you are looking for an interesting ride, please check it out. I have fucking internet bills to pay (thanks to the incredible assholes at the CRTC who think we need to pay more for the limited internet we have) so please be generous, or at least show some pity. The makers of blood pressure medications will thank you… and I will as well.

DAILY NEWS – February 22, 2011

DAILY NEWS – February 22, 2011

DATELINE: SOON TO BE AT THE END OF HIS ROPE (HOPEFULLY) – It can’t be long now before that asshole Dick Cheney comes on television to remind us what a great guy and loyal friend Moammar has been… at least to Halliburton. How the hell can anyone say otherwise about Gadhafi? Last week, the Libyan leader urged Palestinians to follow the model set by Egypt and rise in protest against oppression and government abuse. Hmmm, bet he would love to fucking take those words back, now that his own people have also taken this advice. God forbid they want a better life than what they were offered under Gadhafi Duck. The ‘flaky’ ‘mad dog of the Middle East’ (love him or hate, old Rocket Ronnie had a way with a phrase) has responded by having his fighter planes and helicopters open up on the people gathered to kick his ass out of Tripoli. He has his military charge in and beat and shoot people, he cuts off all communication for his people and disallows media to enter the country. Someone needs to take care of this fucking asshole – perhaps some wonderful hollow points headed in his direction rather than at protestors might give him some perspective. He has given new meaning to fucking nuts, and his people and countless others have suffered because of him. In his hour-long babblefest, he accused the protestors of being on drugs and working for the devil, he stated, in the third person, no less, that Moammar Gadhafi cannot step down because he is not a government leader but rather the leader of a revolution… funny how many times he can change his title, his form of government and his mind in a few seconds. He said he would not resort to violence, then called on the people of Libya who supported him to go and kill the protestors where they sleep, then screamed that he would fight to the death. I think someone should fucking accommodate him in that wish, and soon, because a future of incredible violence awaits masses of people as long as he is there. He is a war criminal, he has committed unspeakable crimes against humanity… and any other leader (this would be that other nucking fut-case Chavez) who aids or harbors him should face the same damned charges. Perhaps some pressure from the developed world (other than idiot-face lame ass Harper) could help to shut him down? Of course, with the oil they have there (they are the eighth largest producer in the world), no one wants to shit in that nest.

DATELINE: ON PARLIAMENT HILL HAVING ANOTHER ‘WHAT THE FUCK’ MOMENT – Last week we heard how Bev Oda had changes the entire meaning and content of a signed report with the addition of one word… ‘NOT’… after the fact, then using that document as the basis of a decision regarding funding. The people who had signed the report were not aware of the change to their text, did not sign or initial the change, were not consulted about the change. No matter how you look at it, she illegally altered legal, signed documents. That’s the bottom fucking line. (NOTE TO JACK LAYTON: She did not forge anything… she falsified, she altered, but she did not forge. If you want to make a legal fucking argument in a legislative chamber at least please get the word right). On Friday, the Harper government conceded that perhaps the decision and the subsequent cover-up were not ‘a work of art’. What the fuck is that?? Someone needs to do some major ass-kicking to that arrogant supercilious fucking government. Someone also needs to kick some opposition ass as well, because even though Parliament is not sitting… why the hell not take off the whole week when just the Monday is a fuckin holiday… they should be in the media taking this and the other issues with this government to task. They should be doing this every fucking day, not for an hour one week, then letting the issues go. Do your fucking job, people! What the fuck are you being paid for?

DATELINE: AIN’T THAT A KICK IN THE HEAD – Yesterday, RCMP Assistant Commissioner Peter Hourihan went to talk to Buddy Tavares. You remember Buddy Tavares, the guy who took an RCMP boot to the face while he was kneeling on the ground? You remember watching that nice video footage of Constable Geoff Mantler walking up to Tavares and letting fly with a kick that lifted Buddy right off the ground, that broke teeth and caused a concussion? Oh, and remember that they put Buddy in cells for the weekend on some bullshit trumped –up charges about domestic violence and careless use of a firearm? Yeah, the Crown Prosecutor announced yesterday that those charges would be stayed because of a lack of evidence. Now there is one hell of a shocking development.* The Assistant Commission took the opportunity to officially apologize to Buddy Tavares… well whoop-de-fucking-do! He did not mention compensation, and God knows that we have heard nothing about the charges that should and must be laid against Mantler. I have to say, I am so god damned fucking tired of politicians and police fucking the dog long enough that we lose track of the shit they don’t account for. We need to start holding these overpaid over-privileged assholes to account, and we have to start doing it now.




(*that was done in sarcastic font, in case you didn’t catch it*)

Sunday Sermon with The Rever-end Dillinger

Yeah though I walk through the valley of death I shall fear no evil? So what does that mean? Hmmmm... I wonder? Have you walked through the valley of death? It is just down the street and round the corner. Might be called Joe's Bar, Pinky's Whore House, might even be your own little white picket-fenced house, right? Children, the Ides of March... Julius new them well... is full-time, permanent, walk My path and you shall be with Me in the Kingdom of Heaven. What do you see as you stand to look at yourselves? A man? A woman? A child? A whore? A war monger? What? Why must you and I walk through the valley of death, which is a metaphor for life on life's terms? Do not sit, but stand and walk with me. Those I suppose are not Jesus Christ's words; never read them in the bible, although like words I have. Why should we walk with God and we will never walk alone? Have you ever seen Him when you turned to look behind you in a dark alley? What the hell were you doing in that damned alley to begin with? You walked into a dark alley to search for something, I know.

Now the search begins. What is fear but a reaction? Is it an emotion? I think not, but, rather something learned to enable us to survive. Think about it, children. Does the child fear the serpent, the scorpion, the electric outlet? He learns that these things, among others, will cause him pain. Does he know of death? What child knows of death other than the children who have learned to fear it? How often have I heard the good, spiritual person wailing at the loss of a loved one? If they are as they say, a true believer, why do they not rejoice? Fear, that wretched necessary learned reaction, the valley of death, screams at them in anger.

Screams silence my soul. Screams; those buggers that walk in the dark alley of your mind, that support your desire to reach out, beg for oblivion, for hope that our Lord God will hold you up, succor you to his breast, gently wipe the sweat from your feeble breast, welcome you to His kingdom. Yet, you fear, for it is all you have. You cannot have courage without fear, as I have so often spoken. You cannot have faith without doubt, for if you have no doubt how could you have faith? Blind the man who stumbles into the alley, the valley of death, in hopes for salvation that he so readily has at hand. The Lord God Almighty asks only for your love and forgives His mistake of creation. What choice does He have, for Lucifer, his most beautiful of angels, waits in soft decry of the Lord who did not create him. How could the Lord, who is perfect in all, quicken the dust, create in His image so foul a creature as we?

He could not have created His most beautiful of angels, for if He had then we would indeed live without the valley of death, the dark alleys of our minds. We would live without the warrior or the pacifist. We would be as our Lord God Almighty but for his error.

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY – FEBRUARY 19th, 2011

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY – FEBRUARY 19th, 2011

DATELINE: SINGING THE BOOB SERENADE – Well, the opera is not dead, but it could well be that Richard Thomas’ newest attempt at putting a new spin to the art (Anna Nichole, The Opera) could well place opera on the critical list. How the hell could a strong, evil Scarpia compete with Anna Nichol singing an aria expressing… and I am not making this up… her absolute delight in her new breasts. Talk about adding some fucking meat to a performance! And Madam Butterfly, eat your heart out, because Anna, at the end of the first act, stands on top her wedding cake with her new old… er… old new… er… the billionaire she married who was 63 years older than she was. Can art get much better than this? Imagine her doctor singing about her options as far as cup size goes and her dead son finally getting to sing after he is dead, his aria listing the many drugs found in his system when he was dead. The truly disturbing part of all of this is that the remaining five shows are sold out. What the fuck are you people thinking?

DATELINE: CONTROLLING HIS IMPULSES – Well, that’s what Charlie Sheen wants the world to think. If you can believe, with bravado matched only by the Vatican as they reprimand Berlesconi about his sexual indiscretions, Sheen publicly offered up some ‘sound’ advice for Lindsay Lohan. Now there are two fucking pod peas! “Work on your impulse control. Just think things though a little bit before you do them.” Wow. Too bad Charlie never thought of this before he beat his wife, before he tried to mainline cocaine a couple years ago, before he went on a two-day whore and whiskey bender, before he spent a wild and crazy 38 hours seeing just how much crap he could put into his system and live… While I admire his attempt to want to reach out to someone, to offer help, to provide some insight based on experience. It would just have a little more fucking credibility if it came after something more than a fucking two days of sobriety.

DATELINE: FAILING IN HER NEW ROLE AS MARIE ANTOINETTE – Imagine the fucking tragedy!! Turning thirty and having no cake? I have no idea how the hell Paris Hilton managed it. You would think with more money than God, she might have been able to find someone to make her a cake. I can totally understand the scope of this horror! No cake? On her birthday? Well stop the fucking presses! To be fair, she had arranged for a cake… a $3,200 fucking cake with Lucid-brand absinthe mixed into the batter, but it was stolen by some asshat named Paz. If Paz had some fucking balls he would say who he is, but it really doesn’t matter a flying fuck. While this news is rocking the developed world, one has to wonder just how many people in Haiti have celebrated their birthdays this last year without any cake, let alone a fucking $3,200 cake. How the hell is that even possible… to spend that much money on cake that, three hours later you are just going to crap out? The story should not be that the cake was gone… the story should be that the cake was even fucking contemplated when so many have absolutely nothing. This bullshit is enough to make a person puke.

DATELINE: LOADED FOR BEAR – You just have to love fucking reality television, especially when they set up situations that, for the sake of adding drama to what is in truth boring as watching shit on a stick, result in the needless death of an animal. The show Gold Rush: Alaska is about a group of unemployed people trying to strike it rich. In a breathtaking sequence at the start of one of their shows, a black bear is shown in camp. (It is believed to have been drawn there by improperly stored food ). The bear threatened no one, nothing was damaged by the creature, but the ‘star’ of the show, Greg Remsburg, states, while with great theatrical aplomb he crams a shell into the rifle chamber, “That bear’s not going to get in between my son and I. That I guarantee ya.” So, for no reason other than to perhaps bump up ratings, the bear, or rather a bear (because it is believed by the Department of Natural Resources, after an investigation into the shooting) other than the one that was in the camp earlier, ended up shot. You just gotta love that Sarah Palin ‘I gots my gun and come hell or high water I will find something to fucking shoot with it’ attitude. This is just one more reason why reality tv should be illegal.

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 18th, 2011

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 18th, 2011

DATELINE: GETTING SOME MORE IRONY IN MY DIET – Catholic Bishops in Brazil have joined together to raise awareness of a ‘low moral level’ and the ‘abusive and immoral exploitation’ so prevalent… not in their own institution, but rather in Brazilian reality television. They must have a reality show called ‘So You Think You Can Be A Priest’. They have pointed out that television network officials must consider their role in society, that they have to bear in mind the huge audiences that watch these shows, especially Brazil’s Big Brother… oooo la la … and that the amount of sexual innuendo and bad language is excessive. The shows, claim the collective bishops, are an ‘attack on the human dignity of the participants…blah blah blah…’ So, tell me this and no more; where the hell does anyone associated with the Catholic Church get off spewing moral platitudes and issuing warnings about sexual impropriety and exploitation? I suppose, to be fair, they have the gig down pat, as well as the covering up of whatever improprieties and exploitations they participate in, but seriously? Clean up your own fucking confessional first, before you start talking to people about what happens everywhere else, because, seriously, whatever the issue, no matter how superficial or serious it might be, you decrease credibility of all of it. It’s time to stop casting stones, you hypocritical asses.

DATELINE: FROM SQUIRRELS TO NUTS – What could be more perfect than Prince Charles, the heir to the throne, going squirrely. It was just a matter of time, and I have to say, if I had to wake up to the likes of Camilla, I might be inclined as well to head out to the bush to save the little acorn chompers. Hell, cleaning out the septic tank would hold more appeal than waking up to the likes of Camilla, but I digress. Prince Chuckles has thrown his heart and his support into efforts to help restore the dwindling numbers of local red squirrels, which are being threatened by the introduction of the grey squirrels, those pesky little buggers that brought a pox with them to England – seriously, they carry a fatal pox. His dream is that the red squirrels will thrive through the United Kingdom, and his great ambition? “…to have one in the house, sitting on the breakfast table and on my shoulder’. Anything would be a step up from his bride.

DATELINE: NOT HAVING A WHALE OF A TIME – The Japanese whaling ships have called it quits for the year. Excuse me a minute while I try to drum up something other than complete total fucking joy at this news! They claim that Sea Shepherd activists have been harassing them, preventing them from completing their catch of 850 animals – yes, that is 850 whales they are ‘allowed’ to hunt thanks to the exploitation of an international legal loophole that permits the hunt for ‘scientific purposes’ (that is why it is for sale on the shelves of grocery stores all over the fucking country). What a flaming crock of shit that is. Now, to be fair, the primary target for these idiots is the Minke whale, one of the few species that is not endangered, however their official quota is the provision for them to hunt both fin and humpback whales, both of which are on the endangered list. What the fuck is that about? There are people busting their asses to preserve and protect these species from extinction, only to have these assholes come along and shoot them… for science? Other whale species caught recently by the Japanese whaling fleets include Bryde’s, Sei and Sperm whales. Yes, the Sperm are just considered vulnerable because of their diminished numbers, and the Bryde’s is rare enough that they cannot even give a head count other than to say there is under 100,000 of the animals in the entire world, but why split hairs? It is past due for the international community to finally grow some fucking balls and stand up, saying loud and clear that this shit cannot and will not be tolerated any more.

DATELINE: WITNESSING THE BADGER – Cows in England were dying of Tuberculosis, so what is the obvious thing to do? Why, kill the badgers, of course. According to the government, badger populations are definitely related to the spread of TB in cattle herds, but no one seems to really know what the hell that relationship is. The problem with the theory is that in the past years, without killing any badgers, the cases of TB have gone down… amazing the miracle of fucking inoculations. Now, however, every freaking farmer in the country is hell bent on culling badgers, a desire borne from the fear mongering of politicians blessed more with the need to create campaign issues than they are with fucking brains. The cull is currently on hold, because the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs is still licking their wounds from the clusterfuck they created by unadvisedly selling off a bunch of forest land, so thankfully in this case, especially for the badgers, they are a tad gun shy. Halleluiah for small mercies.