DAILY BLOG – MARCH 13th, 2010
ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY
DATELINE: GERMANY – Just when you think you have seen, and smelled, it all, those wonderful free-thinking fucking perverts in Europe, the setters of all trends fashionable, come out with the totally fucking insane. The newest perfume, Vulva… yes, the name says it all. And apparently there is no false advertising here. It is a combination of urine, sweat and ‘arousal’. You have no idea how much I wish I was making this fucking stuff up. They tested many women, have not shared their ‘collection’ technique, and have decided on the ‘perfect’ specimen. So, ladies… get yer hands on this stuff as soon as possible. Getting pulled over for speeding? Dab a bit behind your ears and lean real close to the cop. Wanna make the visiting hockey team lose the game? Spray in on yer whole body and sit behind the penalty box. It will be standing room only in there. The only thing left to ask… what the fuck was this guy thinking when he came up with this one? Now why settle for just being called a twat, when you can smell like one too.
DATELINE: LONDON – Announcing the event that will top the UK events calendar. Mark this down, because this is something no one can afford to fucking miss. Yes, the Opera to end all Operas… The Anna Nichole Smith story… done to music… on a stage. This will be even bigger than Jerry Springer: The Opera, and that is really almost impossible to fucking believe. Anna Nichole… the most unbelievable thing… until the inevitable will happen when Monica Lewinski has opera officianatos hitting the high notes. Pul-lease!
DATELINE: NEW YORK – Thank God! Kate Gosselin, celeb baby machine and upcoming Belle of the Ball on Dancing with the Stars, spent 7 hours getting her fucking hair cut! WHOOT! I am so fucking excited I can barely contain myself. So, with her dancing and her coiffing and her starring and her rubbing elbows with the ‘beautiful’ people, who the hell is actually being a mom to her children? Or… has she totally forgotten that in her effort to ride her womb to stardom? And why in the name of all that is fucking holy, is anything this woman does really newsworthy?
DATELINE: MICHIGAN – It’s time for hazard pay for bridal shop owners. Enough is fucking enough. Just dealing with those perky pesky Bridezilla’s they have to deal with every day, those delusional girls dreaming of that perfect Cinderella day, would be enough to make you want to gag every fucking night. But in Michigan they take it to a whole new level. When a bride-in-the-making, according to the store owner, a rather impossible, demanding bride, went in for more alterations to her dress, and he refused, she called her groom to be to help her. He showed up with ‘friends’ and they proceeded to trash the store and assault the owner and his wife. Yup, that seems to be a match made in fucking heaven.
DATELINE: CALIFORNIA – Kendra Wilkinson is talking about getting her breasts bronze. After having a baby, she has decided that perhaps she is a bit too top heavy. Her husband, however, is worried that he might have nothing to fondle, so, after asking Mario Lopez’ live audience if she should do something about them being too big, she offered to have them bronzed to hang in her husband’s office. So… this raises one MAJOR question. Who the fuck is Kendra Wilkinson, how many lives has she saved with her actions or policies, and why do I want to read about her fucking plastic knockers in my newspaper?
As always, Bambi, you are the highlight of my day. I don't know where you dig this shit up but I know I can always count on you to bring me the "News" in a manner that we don't get to enjoy in print.
ReplyDeleteMy question though is, why would women pay money for something they can produce themselves. I mean, if you think about it, cut out the middle man and just dip and dab.