DAILY NEWS – MARCH 22nd, 2010
DATELINE: MASSACHUSETTS – A dentist in Falls River has been accused of, among other things, using paper clips instead of stainless steel posts for root canals. He is apparently a real fucking dentist, but seriously, he used fucking paperclips! While I suspect there will now be a rabid movement to prevent the sales of office supplies to dentists in an attempt to keep this from happening again, I have to tell you that guys like this creative bastard will find a way around it, just like he managed to find a way around complying with the laws about submitting Medicaid claims and prescribing medications. This guy was a sneaky one! That said, I have a request. Could all the news-worthy crazies please move the hell out of Massachusetts. There are more than enough not news-worthy crazies there, and sadly I know many of them already, but more to the point, typing the damned name of the state is enough to do me a serious injury to my typing fingers. Please move to Ohio. Nothing ever happens there, and it’s easy to type.
DATELINE: SWITZERLAND – Taking the appeal of roasted nuts just a tiny step too far, a man was forced to take a mid-day stroll onto the window ledge of an apartment used for transsexual prostitution when fire, not the passionate kind, broke out in the building. Luckily enough, when the firemen arrived, the media had also managed to get there and snap some pictures of the man in his all-together. The pictures, not all that flattering of the naked man pressed against the outside wall of the burning building, were printed the next morning in local papers, stating that the unit was used in the sex trade. The 33-year-old man was released from hospital that evening with ‘light burns’. Bet he had a hard time explaining that to the boss, but at least if it was a sick day, he probably has a doctor’s note.
DATELINE: WASHINGTON – House Democrats yesterday evening passed President Obama’s health care reforms in a bit of a squeaker vote. For those who think this is all over now, just hang on a bit, because now it goes back to the Senate where the debate will begin all over again, and for the most part, changes from this new legislation will not be seen for another four years. It is to be hoped that, in this last round of bickering between political superstars that the needs of the people will actually be addressed. This is a big enough issue that there is no fucking need for rhetoric or boogieman blame-games or asinine hyperbole. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the decisions made were based on the merits and flaws of the legislation. Of course, this commentary is coming from someone who lives in the land of socialized healthcare, where at least in my experience, the health care blows sperm whales, BUT, also one who lives in the land of legalized medical marijuana, which must explain this whole fucking pipedream of political co-operation for the achievement of the best for all.
DATELINE: TEXAS – Travelers got more than an eyeful when a man climbed to the top of a billboard, stripped down and started dancing. Yes, police were called. Yes, they tried to convince him to come down. No, that wasn’t going to happen. The police ended up calling for a ladder truck to get them man down. They report that it could be that he was ‘under the influence’ at the time of the impromptu dance. What pisses me off most is that there are no billboards wide enough for anyone to stand on, let alone dance. Up here, a billboard is a fucking board. Birds can barely dance on them. I want wider billboards, because we just never have anything to look at along the highways up here, especially when driving through Saskatchewan.
DATELINE: ARIZONA – David Word, a 62-yr-old man, rigged up his black Crown Vickie with lights and a siren, then hitting the highway and pulling over people, telling them to slow down and obey the traffic laws. Unfortunately, he pulled over an off-duty cop, told him to slow down, and then left. The cop, an apparently suspicious one, went to work and ran the plates form the Crown Victoria, then went to pay Word a visit, arresting him at his home in… this is the best part of the whole fucking story… Surprise, Arizona! Yes, I would guess it’s a safe bet that he was.
Unfortunately, the dentist has had his license suspended and I know he'll be looking to reopen his practice. I hear he has been scoping out office space in Vancouver :)
ReplyDeleteNow, the dancing naked man and the billboard..come on.. let the man dance, if he happens to fall to his death whilst jigging.. consider it one less moron to deal with...