DAILY NEWS – MARCH 6th, 2010 – ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF-CRAP DAY

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 6th, 2010 – ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF-CRAP DAY

DATELINE: LOS ANGELES – Expect the entertainment world to be all atwitter next week as news of Charlie Sheen’s bedroom activities upstage the Oscar results – because this is fucking HUGE news. The sheets on the Sheen family bed have apparently seen more kinky action than a German priest at an altar boy convention. ‘People’ will be coming forward to explain about the multiple partners BOTH Charlie and his wife have enjoyed. The real fucking shocker will be that there are allegations drugs were also involved in the ménage-a-many games. My question... other than Jon Cryer, who now really does have something to cry about, why do we fucking care? Well... to be honest, I might be a bit jealous to have been left off the guest list, but seriously, why do we care what they do in their bedroom or who they do it with? Get a life, people... or maybe a few extra friends to help spice up the one you got.

DATELINE: SPRINGFIELD – Homer and Marge Simpson are undoubtedly fucking dancing in the streets today, having earned kudos from the Vatican. In a recent article congratulating the Simpsons on their twenty year run, they were declared to have offered ‘philosophical leanings’ with ‘realistic and intelligent writing.’ Of course, with all things Rome, it comes with a reprimand, because, well, who the else can dish out platitudes and penance like the Pope? Apparently The Simpsons would be the almost perfect show, despite its religious digs, if it were not for the ‘excessively crude language, the violence of certain episodes or some extreme choices by the scriptwriters’. Hello??? It’s a fucking cartoon! Who gives a rat’s ass what they say or blow up, because they aren’t really doing it and SOME people in the world actually have the ability to figure that fucking crap out!

DATELINE: AN UNCHARTED DESERT ISLE – Four seasons of Gilligan’s Island was just not enough. I have no fucking idea who it was not enough for, but it was not enough, so now it is heading to the big screen. The cast has not been named yet. *sigh* Who comes up with this shit? Okay, could someone please explain to me why it is necessary to take shows that really were not so fucking shit hot in the day and made absolutely no sense, not even in the non-sensible way, and plague us with a rehashing of the same fucking lines and the same fucking plots on the big screen for more fucking dollars. Watch the reruns on YouTube. Believe me, it will be more than enough to keep the memory fucking alive.

DATELINE: ALASKA – The Reality Show crap is getting really out of hand when it is proposed and pitched that Sarah Palin be a host of a new reality show set in Alaska. Sarah Palin? Get fucking serious. What? Are they going to have her scripts written on gloves so she can just change em and keep up, or what? How is that palm-reading thing working for ya, hon? The first major flaw in the fucking premise – it is supposed to showcase, among other things, the ‘quirky denizens’ that live in that great, fucking cold state, BUT Palin’s family won’t be on it? How can you do quirky without her family? And seriously, do we REALLY expect that her family won’t be on it? That’s like saying it is not a political vehicle, which, by the way, they are saying and expecting us to believe! This comes on the heels of an announcement by Harper Collins that they have commissioned the political Rougette to write a new book about her patriotic and spiritual values. **beats head on wall** People, PLEASE let this woman just fade away into the abyss where she fucking belongs.

DATELINE: LOS ANGELES – Simon Cowell has a gift arriving for him in the mail. Yes, the crispy crusty American Idol has done it now! A contestant, hurt that he did not advance any further in the show, has said he is sending Cowell a Bible in the mail. He apparently told the biting Brit to go to church and said of Cowell ‘if he had a little bit of Jesus in him, then he wouldn’t be so mean’. Mean? So if he is so mean, is it really a good idea to give him something he can now throw at the contestants? I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there are a lot of fucking hacks that appear on that stage and, hello... it’s a television program, so what the hell else do you expect? Even more astounding – this fucking crap actually is considered news.

DATELINE: ROME – Sorry, no Toyota story today, so I HAVE to take out my ire on the next best thing. Seems that the Pope is quite the Bordello fellow. It has been discovered that A Gentleman to His Holiness (a papal usher) and a choir master have been involved in providing ‘escorts’ for many different events, procuring these escorts from the street, homeless shelters and yes, the seminaries, because there is nothing like teaching baby priests early what that vow of celibacy is all about. A gay prostitution ring, right there in Vatican City! The current rate is supposed to be around $2000 EU a night, not bad money, but certainly not enough for the church to recoup all the legal costs of settling those sexual abuse cases they denied for so long. The two men involved in this ring have been Vatican employees/regulars for 19 years. Now, I know that you are all saying ‘Bambi, you can’t fucking blame the Pope for THIS!’ Well, yes, I can. For 19 years this has been going on in HIS house... and while I admit that the current pope wasn’t wearing the fancy red slippers for the whole 19 years, he WAS the Vatican Rottweiler, the watch dog of all things happening within. It’s pretty hard to believe that with the scope of this, no one else knew a damned thing about it. One has to wonder where all the fucking money went from the years of now organized abuse arranged by the Holy Sea. Give me a fucking break. For starters, do away with the fucking celibacy thing which was never anything about religion or holiness or piety, but totally about owning the priests and preventing anyone from inheriting what meagre belongings a priest might have. Then, embrace the sexuality the good Lord has given us, and start to treat homosexuals as people too, instead of condemning them and that which you practice so arrogantly. AND for the love of all that is fucking holy, quit telling the world what to do in their bedrooms and how to conduct their lives when your own moral compass is totally screwed. Clean up your own bedrooms (and closets) first – THEN come talk to me about what shows to watch, what books to read and what sins I have committed that are sending me to hell. Stand up and be men for a fucking change, and do what’s right, and that is not on the hypocritical high-road you love so fucking much.