DAILY NEWS – MARCH 11th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 11th, 2010

DATELINE: ROME – A high school in Rome has announced that it will be installing condom machines. It is hard to believe that this is news, but, when in Rome... Of course, the Vatican had an immediate and definitive response. The placement of condoms in a school ‘trivializes sex’ and of course, the action ‘cannot be approved by Rome’s ecclesiastical community or by Christian families who are seriously concerned with the education of their children’. Far be it for me to point out that, amidst the reports of gay prostitution rings being run out of the Holy City, as well as the hundreds of reports of abuse, both sexual and physical, at the hands of Catholic priests, that the position of the Vatican regarding condom machines would be totally fucking hilarious if it was not so fucking sad. The obvious thing to do would be to let your children go to a Catholic school, where they can be sold to the highest bidder for a nightly lesson in anal sex? How about more lessons in hatred as when little girls are kicked out of fucking pre-school because they have two moms? The level of hypocrisy is totally unbelievable. In the case of the condom machines, however, they went one step further. The head Italy’s national association of Catholic pharmacists has gone so far as to say that condoms are responsible for increased numbers of rapes and violence. That a man with an education and a modicum of ethics would make such a fucking preposterous suggestion is deplorable. There are very few rapists who take the time to slip on a rubber. Perhaps though, the Holy Father is only in favour of them being handed out by his priests, on an as-needed basis. I cannot begin to tell you how fucking sick this whole thing makes me. Someone has to step in and stop this fucking stupidity.

DATELINE: MISSISSIPPI – Speaking of the propagation of hatred, lets run over to the Itawamba County Agricultural High School, where the high school prom has been cancelled. Why? Well, obviously because there was the Level Red National fucking threat that a same-sex couple might actually attend the dance. *Insert sarcastic gasps of shock and horror here* The school planned on just banning the student in question, but was then advised by the ACLU that to do that would violate her rights. The next best thing to do then, obviously, is to cancel the whole fucking prom and let the student take the blame for it. Not only did the school district come up with this hateful fucking idea, the mayor of the town says that his whole community supports the decision. The whole community supports the decision to exclude, shame, and thrust hatred upon an 18-year-old? Well, there is a fucking endorsement to put on your billboards. The whole fucking town should be ashamed. Schools in Mississippi – teaching hatred and intolerance damned near better than anyone else on the continent. The Catholics must fucking love you people.

DATELINE: ONTARIO – Dr. Barbara Hartwell, the surgeon who performed not one, but at least two unnecessary mastectomies, has had her operating room privileges reinstated. Yes, before the investigation into her actions has even really begun, she has been ruled fit to wield a fucking knife again. Here is my take on this... In this case I totally fucking adhere to the eye-for-an-eye principle. Perhaps before she steps in to operate on anyone, she should have both of her breasts whacked off and thrown away for absolutely no reason. Perhaps then she might be a bit more careful. Sadly with the health care system such as it is in this country, there will be women forced to go to this doctor for treatment. Sorry, but I would rather take my chances, because there is no fucking way I would allow anyone I love or care about within ten fucking miles of this doctor.

DATELINE: OTTAWA – Public Safety Minister Vic Toews wrote an open letter to newspapers slamming their coverage of the Rahim Jaffer case that was tossed in court... you remember, the one where he was picked up for speeding in the extreme, blew a fail on the breathalyser, was found with cocaine on him? Yeah, that delightful asshole, who for the whole time he was a Member of Parliament screamed about harsher laws and penalties and more accountability from the justice system. So now, he has Vic Toews pleading his case to the public, and doing it soo fucking well, stating that the reporters where advancing ‘liberal spin’. Here is the thing Mr. Toews. You do not have to be a fucking liberal to be able to smell a steaming pile of shit when it is plopped there right in front of you. If this had been me, I would be in fucking jail. If it had been any one of millions of other Canadians, they would be in jail. Speaking of which, I defy you to find me a fucking normal non-privileged person who could do even a quarter of that bullshit that Helena Guergis pulled at the airport in Charlottetown and not go to jail. Yes, your party has that ripe aroma that comes with the feeling of being totally fucking above the law and you prove it every fucking day. The fact that you would put any god damned political spin on this shows me that you also know that what happened was wrong... you just won’t admit it. It’s one of those fucking ‘me think he doth protest too much’ things. There, Comrade Harper... I managed to get a ‘doth’ in there just for you.

DATELINE: REGINA – The Saskatchewan Party is having a Pig Roast Fundraiser. I know that, because I saw it on a poster... probably the most inappropriate fucking poster ever printed. The words are printed over a picture of the World Trade Center as flames and smoke billow from the windows. Yes, they actually have the words ‘Second Annual Spring Fundraising Dinner’ and ‘Pig Roast Dinner’ slapped right across the picture. That anyone could be so stupid as to think this was okay actually boggles the fucking mind. I stared at the damned thing for ten minutes trying to understand why they would use that picture. The reason – because they have Chief Richard Picciotto, the highest ranking firefighter to be pulled from the rubble, as a guest speaker. Nowhere on the poster does it say this. Nowhere does it explain with anything even resembling tact or diplomacy or even compassion that the guest speaker was associated to the 9-11 attacks. Instead they jam the words Pig Roast right over the fucking flames. This is a new low in political clusterfucks. Hopefully they plan to use more thought when running the damned province than they did in designing a fucking poster.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – President Obama has announced that he will be donating the full amount of his Nobel Peace Prize money to charities around the world. The $1.4M will help students, veterans’ families and Haiti earthquake victims, to name a few. Say what you will about the man and the politics, this is one hell of a first class thing to do. Kudos to the man.