DAILY NEWS - MARCH 8th, 2010

DAILY NEWS - MARCH 8th, 2010

DATELINE: SCOTLAND – Trust the Scots to give new meaning to snow balls. It’s got to be a great fucking day when you look up and see… 235 men racing down a hill with nothing on but a pair of skis and a kilt! Yes, led across the finish line by two pipers and a drummer, also on skis, they proved there is no-one so brave as a man in a kilt. They set a new world record, made money for charity, and showed the world that the threat of skidding down a snow-covered mountain on yer bare ass is more than enough motivation to stay on your feet. Damn, I wish I had been there to see it.

DATELINE: POLAND – Yes, we have a good news story finally. In fact, this is a great news story, from something so simple as rubber boots. Town officials in Jarocin have arranged for all the students and teachers at a local school to be supplied with a pair of boots to help them get through the muck and mud of a construction site around the school. It was an investment of 20,000 zloty ($1,000), and yes, I think it was the best money ever spent. The needs of the students were paramount, and the right fucking thing was done to help them out when. How can you not like this story? And how the hell can you not totally fucking love that the money is call a zloty!! That is the coolest fucking money name ever!

DATELINE: OTTAWA – Speaking of money… The Canadian Government announced that it will no longer be printing paper money on paper. Why the hell not? There is no silver in our silver dollars, and no copper in our pennies, and no more nickel in our nickels… I have no fucking idea how come a dime is called a dime. It seems that we will be selling out to, yes, the oil companies yet again and be printing up plastic money… sort of like play money, I guess. It was only a matter of time, but they could save a hell of a lot of time and pollution by just letting us use the actual oil as currency… it could just be put into jars and traded, like clams in Fred Flintstone’s day. I guess it’s one way to get some fucking value into the damned currency.

DATELINE: COLORADO – A preschooler has been kicked out of school… a catholic school… because her parents are gay. Stating that ‘the church expects their families to live in accordance with catholic teachings’, the local priest was adamant that sinners should not be allowed into their hallowed learning halls. For starters, I fail to see how this child has sinned. Oh… wait… yes, it’s the whole sins of the father (or mother in this case) crap! Give me a fucking break. While in Rome they are dealing with literally thousands of cases of sexual abuse of children, abuse cases that were covered up in some cases for decades, AND while now being in the midst of an investigation that uncovered a fucking gay prostitution ring being run out of the Vatican, they have the unmitigated fucking gall to pass judgment. They don’t want sinners in their churches or schools? The self-righteous members of Parish counsels and other groups want only purity and sanctity among their numbers… by the time they take out the people who have used some form of birth control, have cheated on their income tax, have told a lie or, God forbid, slept out of holy wedlock, they really will diminish their numbers. Then there are those who have not gone to Confession, who have used the name of the Lord for purposes other than his praise, dared to rub elbows with people of other faiths… Damn, they will have one hell of an empty collection plate. Perhaps they should also exclude all those who cast the first stone, who judge, who exclude for stupid arrogant fucking reasons, who hate and want to teach hate… THAT’s who they should be upset about, and not some harmless preschool little girl.

DATELINE: FLORIDA – Starbucks in introducing the new Trenta, because apparently you just cannot get enough caffeine in a cup. This is their new large 31 ounce container for iced drinks… and because they just totally like to fuck with people who just want to order a damned cup of fucking coffee.

DATELINE: NIGERIA – 200 more people died today as fighting between Christians and Muslims again erupted. A holy war, you might ask? No fucking way. While under normal circumstances proving that your god is better than their god is more than enough reason to mow down women and children with machetes, this time there is more to it. Yes, the dead were mostly women and children, in the middle of the night, again… the biggest fucking threat to the globe is found in sleeping women and children. For starters, people, NO God tells a sane fucking person to kill. However, the kicker in this one is that the fighting erupted once there was and exploration for and discovery of… wait for it…. Fucking oil, the REAL almighty force that drives man these days. Now, in this light, it makes so much more fucking sense… those women and children were a HUGE fucking threat because… well…. Who needs a reason, right? More to the point, it now makes more fucking sense as to why the world is just sitting back and waiting to see who wins. Who the hell is stupid enough to go in there and stand up for what is fucking right when there are the spoils of oil sitting on the table.

DATELINE: MASSACHUSETTS – A local mortuary is trying to put a new spin on life. You gotta admire the crazy bugger for at least trying a new approach, right? With a combination of chili cook-offs, limo rides, visits by the Easter Bunny and monthly birthday parties, the guy wants to prove that the funeral home is really the center of community life, a setting for happier times. The smell of embalming fluid and carnations might be a bit of a problem, but will undoubtedly help to set the tone for the Murder Mystery Dinner and Show. Sadly, I am not making this fucking crap up.