DAILY NEWS - MARCH 3rd, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 3rd, 2010

DATELINE: PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND – In an attempt to lower costly losses, a series of workshops are set to begin. The main gist – Love your Lobster. Fishermen were told to handle lobsters as if they were cartons of eggs or cases of fine wine, because any rough handling will upset the little red cracker-toppers and cause them to kick off before their time. So, if you want only the best fucking lobsters out there, take the ones that are wined and dined, the ones with the really hawt chicks on board to take care of em once they are caught. I suppose if your time is up, it’s one hell of a way to go.

DATELINE: HYANNIS – This is apparently NOT the place to be around people driving cars! A couple spent their wedding night in separate jail cells after the bride tried to run over her new husband’s old girlfriend. The ex was walking through a parking lot, and so seemed ripe for the fucking picking. The groom, also in the car, was too drunk to notice. Nothing like putting that old ‘for better, for worse’ thing to the test right from the get-go. I will go out on a fucking limb here and predict that these two are going to have one hell of an interesting marriage, however long it last.

DATELINE: LONDON – Paul Railton took his dog for a walk. Well, to be fair, the dog walked, while Railton drove along beside, holding the leash through the open window. Yes, he was charged, and when the matter went to court, his lawyer entered a guilty plea and then stated that his client knew it was a silly thing to do. No... it was a lazy thing to do. The silly thing was hiring a lawyer to plead guilty to a charge with a fine of 66 Pounds ($100). What the fuck does the man use for brains? The fucking lawyer probably cost him $1000. People this stupid should not be allowed to own dogs.

DATELINE: NEW YORK – Naomi Campbell, Supermodel AND super slugger, really fucking loves that community service gig. She must, since she is heading for yet another stint on the business end of a broom. This time, she smacked her driver in the head while he was driving her through Manhattan. Of course, her ‘people’ say there is more to the story, but seriously... she smacked the man in the fucking head while he was driving her around. Here’s what I think, because I know you are all just fucking hanging on to the edges of your chairs waiting to know – forget about the whole community service thing. Instead, how about letting some of those plain old ‘working folk’ that she so loves to abuse spend a couple months with her, smacking her in the head every time she opens her mouth. Maybe that would learn her some fucking manners. We could set up a whole program for all these over-privileged spoiled brats that feel entitled to treat real people like crap. God knows, there is no fucking shortage of em.

DATELINE: INDIA – Scientists have uncovered a snake that ate dinosaur eggs. Do you have any idea how fucking big that snake had to be?

DATELINE: NEWARK – From the Billboard Censorship Capital of the world, yet another ad was deemed to be offensive and ordered taken down. This one, of a woman helping a man out of his jeans, although the jeans are still on, but his fly is down. GASP!!! HOW FUCKING RISQUE IS THAT!!! Hello??? Walk down a fucking street in ANY town on this continent and you will find dozens of kids walking around with their pants already well down below their fucking kneecaps, waddling like destitute penguins in their attempt to be cool. The powers that be in Newark claim that this one billboard helps to ‘erode community standards’ and is ‘a symptom of deeper problems that need to be confronted in the community’. Apparently the first fucking problem that should be addressed is the fact that you are NOT elected to be a moral compass for the fucking world. If we need one, we will NOT be looking to elected politicians or religious leaders to provide it because they really are no fucking roll models. The second thing that should be addressed is the need for cases of fucking duct tape to help these poor REAL kids keep their pants up, because the sight of ass cracks and pubic hair is really not what I need to see while sitting on a corner sipping a fucking latte.