DAILY NEWS – MARCH 10, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 10, 2010

DATELINE: OTTAWA – Once again, the politics of this country is enough to make me want to fucking puke. Former Conservative Member of Parliament Rahim Jaffer was pulled over for speeding. He was asked to provide a breath sample, which he did and produced a Fail. He was charged with speeding, impaired driving and... wait for it... possession of Cocaine. Yesterday, in court, he plead guilty to the absolutely insignificant charge of careless driving, and received a $500 fine. All other charges were dropped. Now, how in the fuck does the Cocaine thing disappear even IF the impaired driving charge could not be substantiated enough for a court of law? Did the fucking crack just disappear? Or was the real difference that this man who once loudly endorsed a ‘get tough on crime’ and ‘mandatory minimum’ line for justice happens to have a few strings he can still pull, especially in the form of his incredibly badly mannered wife Helena Geurgis, the spoiled brat who already showed her sense of superiority and entitlement through that bru-ha-ha at the airport in Charlottetown? No matter how you look at this, it fucking reeks. Of course, Comrade Harper fails to see it that way, but what the fuck? He is like that about all things Conservative, fanning the rampant flames of entitlement that burn so brightly in his fucking caucus. It is well past time that the works of them be put in fucking Prius’ and allowed to drive off a fucking cliff before the rest of us have to goose step our way around the grocery store, shouting ‘Heil Harper’ at his picture that hangs at the end of every fucking aisle as a reminder of his vast superiority and power.

DATELINE: FLORIDA – A highway patrol trooper got more than an eyeful when he pulled over a 37-year-old driver the other day. She was in the process of shaving her ‘bikini area’ while driving, and so had her ex-husband, who was in the passenger seat steering for her. For starters, how the hell much do you think he was REALLY looking at the fucking road? But, when asked why she was in such a hurry that she had to take care of this task while driving, she said she was on her way to a date with her boyfriend, and she didn’t want to be late. Now, I am not sure what the hell sort of drugs you have to be on to want to shave that particular area while driving. A speed bump could have been a fucking catastrophe. And while ex-hubby is watching you get ready for your date? It’s surprising that he even noticed the fucking trooper pulling him over.

DATELINE: CALGARY – Sarah Palin has again opened her mouth and crammed her fucking foot right in there, 3” stiletto and all. Ya know, this stupid woman is working hard to ensure her place in the books – the dictionary, beside the word ‘Idiot’. While giving one of her homey-type speeches to the folks down there in Calgary, she mentioned how her family used to slip across the line to Whitehorse for medical treatment. Take a minute and let that sink in. This woman and her family used to come into Canada for medical treatment from our socialized health care programs, and yet she will scream at the top of her ever-loving window-breaking voice that she is against socialized health care. So, while her comments make her out to be the top candidate for the fucking Hypocrite of the Year statuette, not to mention it shows the morals of her coming here so WE could pay for her fucking health care, she compounds the whole situation. She cites a case where her brother got burned in ‘some little kid accident thing’ and her parents rushed him on the train to Whitehorse for treatment. Since the medical records show that he actually was rushed by train to Juneau, either her brother suffered burned feet more than once, or she was totally up her ass again about what she was saying. My money is on the latter. I can’t wait to hear how THIS part will play up in her new book about patriotism – running across the border for health are treatment on a regular basis and all. Sarah, honey, how is that stupidity thing working for ya so far? Hopefully this will mean she will finally just fade off into that Alaskan sunset once and for all.

DATELINE: GERMANY – The Catholic Church has announced that it will launch an investigation into the growing number of reported sexual and physical abuse cases. Whoop-de-fucking-do. We have seen how well they investigate and police themselves, and there are countless hundreds of thousands of lives destroyed in the process, because nothing ever happens. This time, the allegations include many cases of abuse among the boys in the Domspatzen Choir, which has been under the control of the Pope’s brother, Father Georg Ratzinger, for the last 30 years. Yes, Georg denies any knowledge or involvement, but would we expect any less? He did, however, apologize to the victims for doing nothing to stop the beatings at an elementary school in Germany. As all of this also happened while the current Pope was archbishop of Munich, and then de facto watchdog for the Pope, interrogating and disciplining priests who did not condone women who were required to have hysterectomies or take birth control pills for reasons other than birth control, what happens now? Is it even remotely fucking possible to believe he knew nothing of what was happening under his watch? Is it possible to remove a Pope? Because, as long as this man (and I use this term loosely because he was more of a feckless fucking thug than a real man) is at the helm of the church, credibility for the religion in its entirety is not possible. Now is the time for the church to fucking well wake up and shake up the rotted timbers keeping the roof in place.

DATELINE: CALIFORNIA – A police car helped to stop a run-away Prius. The owner had called 9-1-1- to say that he could not stop, that the car had accelerated to 90 miles per hour, and that he was trying to do anything to get it under the car. No, his car was not named Christine. It was a Toyota, the car that takes Stephen King’s book off the fucking fiction shelf and plants it firmly in the non-fiction category. The cop confirmed that the guy was trying to stop, was stomping on the brakes, the brake lights were on and the smell of burning brakes was obvious. I can’t fucking wait to see how Toyota is gonna spin this baby.

DATELINE: KENTUCKY – A woman, originally picked up for the minor offence of being drunk in public, now is facing $10,000 bail and charges of 3rd Degree Assault on a Police Officer. Her weapon of choice? Breast milk. Now, I ask you, why in the hell did Agatha Christie miss this opportunity? I can’t wait to see the CSI: Miami version of this, because what a perfect fucking weapon. People the world over will be screaming for safety features to be added to women’s breasts to prevent them from squirting milk on a fucking cop. The woman was being put into her lovely little cell overalls and the cop helping her got squirted.

DATELINE: CALIFORNIA – US Senator Roy Ashburn, a man who has spoken out at length against gay rights, gay marriage and anti-discrimination laws is... yes, you guessed it, gay. Is there a fucking politician ANYWHERE in North America who is NOT trying out for the liar/hypocrite Olympics? Are they ALL taking lessons from the Vatican in this crap, or what? Ashburn had been picked up for drunk driving (a charge he will probably get a walk on anyways) and realized it might just come out that the place he had been drinking all night was his gay bar/nightclub, so after much soul-searching (because it would take this jerk a long time to search for his soul... he is a politician: they apparently turn them and everything having to do with morals and ethics in at the ballot box) he decided it was time to come out of the closet. First, I really don’t care that you are gay. That might surprise some, but I don’t. What I care about is the fact that the son of a bitch fought against what was the right thing to do. How the hell can anyone be against anti-discrimination laws? That he is done in politics is a reason for California to fucking celebrate.

DATELINE: COLORADO – An 85-year-old man was assaulted by a 52-year-old man in a parking lot at a McDonalds. The reason for the long-running disagreement between the two? A fucking parking space. The older dude ALWAYS parked there, the younger one wanted the place. These are supposed grown fucking adults, mature people, the source of sober second thought for a fucking community, and they are fighting over a parking space? At a McDonalds? Neither one should go to jail. They should both be committed.