DATELINE: ENGLAND – A man who assaulted a police officer by swinging his Herculean penis has been fined 600 pounds. Yes, apparently this man believed he could pull off the Attack of the Killer Prick by standing on the couch and waving his (apparently ginormous) penis in the officers face, causing her to ‘take evasive action’ to avoid getting hit. This begs the question… just how fucking big is this guy and where the hell do I find him?
DATELINE: NORTH CAROLINA – Time Warner Cable made a big BOOBoo when they accidently ran two hours of the Playboy Network on the channels Kids On Demand and Kids Preschool On Demand between 6 and 8 in the morning. Hmmm, bet that gave Dora the Explorer some new meat to chew on, and now all those little kiddies will have a whole new concept of Blues Clues.
DATELINE: NOTTINGHAM – He’s been dead for four hundred years, and STILL old Billy Shakespeare managed to get a new play out there. How the hell does he do that? Double Falsehood or the Distressed Lovers is thought to be a collaborative effort between Shakespeare and John Fletcher. While the play had been around for three hundred years, analysis now indicates that Shakespeare probably penned it. My question... if they weren't sure that Shakespeare even wrote Shakespearean stuff, how could they possibly know that he wrote this one. I think I smell Baaaa-con.
DATELINE: BOSTON – City Councilor Robert Consalvo would like all merchants to change their solid metal security gates with nicer looking grates like those used in shopping malls. His reasoning for asking already-hurting businesses to take on this expensive undertaking? To cut down on graffiti on the metal covers. He claims that with the steel curtains and the graffiti, the business district looks ‘unsafe’ and ‘uninviting’. So, I am fucking confused about this. Of course the metal screens make the area look uninviting… to the people who want to break in as well, which is the point, isn’t it? And as for the graffiti, during the day, when the stores are open and wanting to invite people, the curtains are up so no graffiti is seen. Do the store owners really give a flying crap what the place looks like at 2am? Perhaps the good city councilor should try running a business and keeping it afloat in this economy. Then maybe he could come up with some constructive fucking ideas.
DATELINE: NEW JERSEY – Donna Simpson, already the world’s biggest mom, is working hard to become the world’s fattest woman. Yes, already at over 600 pounds, she is consuming 12,000 calories a day at a cost of almost $800/week in her attempt to be over 1000 pounds within two years. A noble goal, she claims to be hindered by chasing after her toddler. What the fuck in a child doing in that house, where the mother is more concerned with selling memberships to her website where people can actually pay to watch this stupid woman eat. She claims, however, that her lifestyle is healthy, despite the fact that she cannot walk. When her child was born, it took 30 health care workers to assist in the caesarian section. In what could be the most unbelievable understatement of all time, she says of her husband “He’s a real belly man, and completely supports me”. The man must have muscles of steel to support that! I repeat, what the hell is a child doing living in that environment. If this woman wants to kill herself, that is her prerogative, but the child should not be in there, because this is just fucking sick.
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