ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY -- WITH BOOBS

DAILY NEWS -- MARCH 28th, 2010

DATELINE: BOOBTOWN – Just because we don’t have enough gigantic boobs in the entertainment business... Heidi Montag is thrilled to be finished with The Hills (though not nearly as much as the general public seems to be), the reality show that ‘shot her to fame' and is ready to embrace a 'real' acting career. The role she is targeting first? A lifeguard named Summer, in a script she wrote for herself! Wow, a writer AND a reality star all rolled into one? And what might this role entail? This marvelous role she created for herself? “I am making the first 3-D beach comedy about a shark that attacks a small beach town and I save the day with my 3-D boobs,” Montag says. “I’ve even written a role for Dolly Parton to play the town mayor!” Yes, people, THIS is the crap of which we need more. A little primer for you… this is the 23-year-old bimbette who, after having MULTIPLE cosmetic procedures, including her lips, her nose, her boobs, (she claims to have had ten procedures done in one day) to the point where she claims to be obsessed about having MORE and she just can’t decide what to do, THEN went on to ‘acting fame’ in a short campaign ad done by Ron Howard – the subject of which was “Heidi Montag Says No To Plastic’. Thankfully they were talking about plastic money, although they could probably not get a better spokesperson to talk about plastic. This whole thing raises one question: Seriously, is this bimbo the role model you want for YOUR daughters? Her 15 minutes of fame has been way to long. Let’s have her move over and have someone REAL take her fucking place, please.

DATELINE: LONDON – Thirty years after the fact, ABBA is now hinting at a comeback concert, a one-time event that could be screened globally. I can’t fucking wait for a chance to pull out my skin-tight Dancing Queen suit with the leggings! (Okay, I know I'll need the shoehorn and a couple gallons of axel grease to get back in the fucking outfit, but what the hell) They had previously turned down $1B to do a 2000 tour, saying that none of them really needs the money, and they would rather be remembered as they were back in the day. Guess as their age, they had forgotten that.

DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD – Yet another woman, this one a ‘beautiful model and businesswoman’ has stepped forward with information about her three-year affair with Jesse James. This one has emails, photos and text-messages to back up her claims, including some that show where James was while his wife, the lovely Sandra Bullock, was accepting rewards for her role in The Blind Side… no fucking irony there, huh? My suggestion, although this really is not any of our fucking business, is that Mr. James have his wrists duct taped behind his backbefore locking him in a room with Sandra and all of his fun little ‘chopper’ tools and toys. It’s a sure-fire way to get a man to keep his fucking penis under control… if he abuses it, he loses it… really fucking simple.

DATELINE: SEATTLE -- "American Idol" star Sanjaya Malakar was caught speeding 110 mph on Interstate 405 outside of Seattle at Kirkland. It was at 2:30 in the morning. There were no other cars around. He got a $422 ticket. Why the hell is this considered news? Was it stupid to do? Yes. Does it show that incredible ‘celebrity’ sense of entitlement? Absolutely, but so does almost everything else on the Artsy Fartsy Fluff Crap day. News should be for fucking NEWS, people, or perhaps we should all call the fucking papers each time WE get a ticket from a cop.

DATELINE: CALIFORNIA – Tubes of skin whitener were found in Michael Jackson’s closet. I will give you a moment to all gasp and then collect yourselves, because I know this shit is totally fucking shocking. Details of the search warrants executed on his homes have become public so the list of the drugs and paraphernalia used to administer them by his nutcase doctor are also being released. Of course, we have no idea if Wacko Jacko needed the damned creams or not, but in all probability, it’s none of our fucking business. What is our business is that he was a singer, a guy with a voice and some moves, and who is now dead totally because of the asinine choices he made in his life because he was a guy with a voice and some moves who made piss pots full of fucking money. Let the man sleep. His hell is supposed to be over.

DATELINE: ROME – Yes, it’s fluff crap, although not artsy fartsy (...yet, although I have no fucking doubt that part is coming). As the Pope kicked off Holy Week, he included in his sermon a line about how people need to allow faith to guide them "toward the courage that doesn't let us be intimidated by the chatting of dominant opinions, towards patience that supports others." Excuse me while i puke. I can’t help but wonder if this is his way of praying for more fucking time to set up smoke and mirrors and more shiny crap to distract the sheep while he continues to fleece them.

DATELINE: HEAVEN!! – Finally some news worth screaming from the rooftops…Russell Crowe in tights AND a short skirt again is definitely a winner, because we have seen from Gladiator, he has the legs to pull it off! His newest movie, Robin Hood, will be opening at Cannes on May 12, and worldwide on May 14. The only thing that could make this movie potentially better in the drool department would be if Antonio Banderas was playing the Sheriff of Nothingham… a mean and nasty-canasty type of role to be sure, but with Banderas playing it, the villain would be totally lickable... oops... I mean likeable. *blushes*