DAILY NEWS - MARCH 15th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 15th, 2010


DATELINE: NORTH CAROLINA – Reille Hunter, mistress of former Senator and Democratic vice-presidential candidate John Edwards, has decided to reveal all to GQ. Why the hell not? It’s such a fantastic story of romance and love and -- excuse me while I puke. The only line you really need to know from the interview: “I was on the couch pregnant, and I felt like I… it was devastating for me, because it went against all my belief systems.” She was speaking, of course, of when Edward’s aide, Andrew Young, claimed paternity of her baby. Her belief system? Give me a fucking break. In the interview she talks of how they were in bed just hours after meeting, how she called a married man in his room and then went up to visit with him, how she accepted the job of providing video tapes for his campaign while she was boinking him, how she slept with the man while his wife was in hospital dealing with cancer... So this begs the question ‘What fucking belief system?’ Hunter and Edwards give new meaning to sleaze. If you want to boink a married man, NEVER claim to even own a fucking moral compass. If you are a married man and you decide you need to screw around, stand the fuck up and say to your wife BEFORE hand that you don’t love or want her anymore. Grow some fucking balls! These two deserve each other. Unfortunately their baby deserves a whole hell of a lot better.

DATELINE: BRITAIN – Jesus… in a frying pan. Among the incredible list of Jesus sightings comes this one. A young man, pissed out of his fucking mind, decides to cook some bacon. In the process, he passes out. The smoke billowing from his frying pan woke him up and what the hell did he see when he looked into the thing? A PERFECT picture of Jesus. Now, even if this was remotely close to a credible claim, how does he know it’s Jesus? Not every guy with a beard is Jesus. People have to stop making up stupid fucking sightings, and leave the air space open for the real incidents – the ones with the almost might be face of Jesus inside an orange, or in the knots of a tree.

DATELINE: REVELSTOKE – An avalanche 150m wide and 10m deep trapped over 30 people this weekend, killing 2, at the Big Iron Shoot-Out snowmobile event. Children as young as 7 were there on their skidoos in an area that, for the last three weeks, has been subject of an unprecedented number of avalanche warnings. Despite the warnings, organizers proceeded to charge participants $25 each. An event called High-Marking triggered the snow slide. For those of you with any sense of the laws of fucking Newton, High-marking is racing UP the face of the mountain to see who can go the highest. The first competitor triggered the disaster at 3:30 in the afternoon. Now, I am all for having fun and I accept that there are people who love to push the envelope, but under the circumstances, with the warnings having been issued, the organizers of this event should face criminal charges. The parents of children there, some of whom were caught up in the wall of snow and ice, should also be facing charges of child endangerment. If you want to be so fucking stupid as to go to this event, pay for the privilege of putting everyone else there, and this time there were 200 people there, in danger, then that is up to you. The cost for this mess, for the helicopters required to lift out all the wrecked snowmobiles, for the many search and rescue officials who put their own safety at risk because of this crap, for the cost of the investigation should all be picked up by the organizers of the event. Maybe that’s the only way to stop stupidity like this. I do know that the fucking taxpayers who have enough brains to not do this crap in an avalanche area during avalanche season should NOT have to foot the bill.

DATELINE: NEW ZEALAND – A woman, haunted by the spirits of an old man and a young woman, arranged for a professional exorcist to come into her home to rid her of these ghosts. She had no idea the payload she was heading for… or maybe she fucking did. She managed, by some incredible fucking miracle, to capture the spirits in little vials filled with blue holy water! Blue holy water!! Holy fucking crap. We only get the ordinary clear stuff, so the blue must be real special. Not only did she capture them, she auctioned them off on e-bay. The true fucking miracle here? People were stupid enough to fucking bid on the vials that finally sold for almost $2000.

DATELINE: CALIFORNIA – Remember the run-away Prius, the one that the cop had to help stop from accelerating itself down the highway? The one that we all watched repeatedly as the cop said he could smell the brakes as the guy stomped on em, and he could see the brake lights come on? Yeah, that one. It would seem now that the driver of that Prius, Mr. Sikes, is under attack because he owes money on his house AND his car *insert gasp of fucking shock here because obviously no one else these days owes a fucking penny on anything* and so he had to have staged the whole thing. If it was ‘real’ why didn’t he turn off the key? Well, dumbass, because on most cars now, when you kill the ignition, you kill the steering and so I don’t know you want to do that at 90 mph. Why didn’t he shift to neutral? Well, I would probably have been hesitant to do that as well at that speed. Here’s the thing… it doesn’t matter HOW he tried to stop or what he did or didn’t do to stop, other than step on the brakes. A car is supposed to stop when you step on the brakes. That’s all that really fucking matters here… that it accelerated on its own and the brakes failed, and the age of the fuckin driver really doesn’t matter. BUT, in yet another wonderfully classic example of unadulterated stupidity, a politician had to weigh with a statement that is so fucking beyond profound that it makes no fucking sense at all. Yes, Representative Darrell Issa, in a statement about the incident said “It doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen, but let’s understand, it doesn’t mean it did happen.” What the fuck??