DAILY NEWS - MARCH 18th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 18th, 2010

DATELINE: SOUTH AFRICA – A study involving troops of Vervet monkeys has shown that monkeys learn better from tasks modelled by female monkeys than they do from ones modeled by male monkeys. Duh! It’s believed because the female stays with the groups and doesn’t wander around looking for some action, like the males do, they have more knowledge about their home ranges, resources and foods, and so are more respected. Double Duh! Thank God for women, for they teach, gather, feed, raise, transport, nurse and clean. When we talk about someone being busier than a one-armed masturbating monkey, we generally are talking about women because the men folks are just too busy... you know, choking the monkey.

DATELINE: FRANCE – Contestants in a reality game show get the privilege of shocking their opponents with every wrong answer. I am not talking the mouth hanging open, eyes bugging out disbelief shock but the ‘flip the switch and watch em fry’ type of fucking shock. Yes, on the Game of Death, contestants watched their opponents writhe in agony each time they pulled the lever. They had all been told that the voltage was increased with each pull, that what the hell. The opponent was strapped into what was essentially an electric chair, but that apparently seemed totally fine to the contestants. The screams maybe caused them to hesitate slightly, but in the end, all but 18% of the contestants willingly pulled the lever to deliver what they were told could be a lethal amount of voltage into a man strapped into a chair, egged on by a beautiful co-host and a mob audience screaming ‘punishment’. Yes, it turns out it was an experiment, not really a game show, and it was intended to reveal the affects of television reality shows on normal people. When interviewed afterwards one woman, comparing her reaction to soldiers in WWII Germany, stated “Since I was a little girl, I have always asked myself why the Nazi’s did it and how they could obey such orders? And then there I was, obeying them myself. I was worried about the contestant but at that same time I was afraid to spoil the program.” Hello? Is this chick for fucking real? What you did was completely and totally about greed and money and your fifteen fucking minutes of fame. Nice to know, though, that for something as simple as a fucking $40, you are prepared to take a life. People, we are plain becoming one sick fucking society.

DATELINE: RUSSIA – Russian President Dmitry Medvedev told his security council that his country must be prepared to defend its claims to the Canadian arctic mineral riches. Funny how NOW they want to get in there and take care of the place, despite the fact that before the discovery of anything, they couldn’t give a flying fuck about the Canadian arctic. Now they are all beating down the door to find some fucking way to say that it is theirs. Norway and Denmark are doing likewise, although I don’t recall them ever paying a fucking cent to help the people up there. Because of global warming and the loss of ice mass, they now beat their fists on their desks and scream that it is theirs. Global warming, that thing that is supposed to be caused by the emissions from oil and gas. This world will undoubtedly destroy itself over fucking oil and gas, come hell and high water.

DATELINE: PITTSBURGH – Frank Fontana was asleep in his bed when, about 5:30 am, he felt someone crawl into bed with him. Suspecting it was his lady friend with a key, he welcomed her. The voice that replied was definitely NOT from his lady friend though, but rather a very drunk, very cold stranger who was looking for a place to warm up after attending a rap concert. The son of a bitch was just about rapped on the head when Fontana jumped from bed and grabbed a baseball bat. Seriously? My money is on the guy in the bed being that sorta creepy alarm company tv ad guy in there to prove a point, or maybe that guy that always showed up in the middle of the bed to advertise toast or muffins or coffee or whatever the fuck it was. No matter. I am moving to Pittsburgh.

DATELINE: LONDON – A group of 10 boy scouts were denied entry to Harrod’s – because of their uniform scarves. When asked to remove them, the Scout leader refused, offering instead to go into the store in smaller groups, but they were still denied. This was apparently done for ‘health and safety reasons’. I can only fucking imagine the germs on those scarves and those scouts, crawling around in the bush and doing stuff the beautiful people inside Harrods would never expose themselves to. So, rather than making Harrod’s a must-see fucking trip on your next London excursion, why not just walk past the doors and spend some time learning about Robert Baden-Powell at the Baden-Powell House. I would bet it would be a much more rewarding experience.

DATELINE: NEW ORLEANS – In a first ever (thank Christ) campaign, a urologist is offering free vasectomies to the first 20 men who call in for the March Madness event. Yes, this knife-wielding Bobetzian doctor believes this is the time to motivate the male population, pointing out that by having the procedure done next week, they would have an excuse to sit on the couch and watch Basketball – because they fucking need an excuse? Of course, the offer comes with a few bonus items – Pizza, because apparently this doctor has as spill-over agreement with the cardiologist down the hall who just loves the sound of clogging fucking arteries; a bag of frozen peas, to help cut down the swelling; and, my personal fucking favorite, a copy of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, just to prove that little soldier will still be able to stand up after the procedure. So much for March Hairs and Mad Hatters.