DAILY NEWS – MARCH 12th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 12th, 2010

DATELINE: VICTORIA – Premier Campbell and his gang of sodomizing policy writers are back at it again. The amount of time these people have to spend finding new ways to totally screw over the working people of this province is phenomenal. Now, tucked in the back recesses of their latest budget, they have slipped in a nice little thing about how all private used car, truck and boat sales will subjected to a 12% tax. Nothing like sticking it to the middle class again, the ones who cannot afford a new fucking car, the families struggling to make ends meet, so let’s fuck them over once again. The carbon tax (nothing more than a fucking rural cash grab) wasn’t enough, the harmonized tax wasn’t enough… let’s just get the tax payer to bend over a little bit more for King Gordon. It’s time to take a page from Saskatchewan’s book (It almost pains me to say that!) and stop purchasing all Lottery tickets in the province. They want to bleed us, let’s stop giving them that easy money. It worked for the stubble jumpers, maybe we can make them hurt enough here to stop giving us the shaft, at least for a while.

DATELINE: PETERBOROUGH – Imagine it! Sitting at your computer, minding your own business as you surf the net when, BOOM! A four-foot long fucking snake strikes out and sinks its teeth into your hand. Yup, it happened. The guy shook the snake off his hand, trapped it in a garbage can and ran to get medical attention. He has no idea where the California King Snake came from, but it is suspected it was a stray pet that travelled through the pipes in the apartment building. The guy was fine because the snake is not venomous. The snake had to be put to sleep because of the injuries it received when it was thrown across the room. If it was me that got bit while working on my computer, the guy who had it as a pet and then lost track of it would be in fucking traction.

DATELINE: LONDON – Prince Foot-In-Mouth Phil rides again. While his wife was touring a military base and inspecting the cadets, Phil stopped to chat. For starters, that has to automatically send a shiver up poor Liz’s spine, but whatcha gonna do? He asked one sea cadet what she did for a living. It was a simple question, a good ground-breaker. She replied that she worked in a club. She was a pretty girl, a young girl, looked very nice in her uniform, so of course the next obvious question from the Prince would be ‘A strip club then?’ Of course, it had to be, because that’s the only place in the fucking world for a nice, pretty young girl to work, right? She replied no, and because Phil just could not leave it alone, he replied, before moving on, that it was probably a good thing she didn’t because it was rather cold out there that day. I have no idea what the hell this guy does for drugs, but by God, it has to be good stuff.

DATELINE: NEW JERSEY – A black-market ‘practitioner’ has been offering butt enhancement treatments from his hotel room in New Jersey. Yes, women have gone to him, paid him money and dropped their drawers for him to create an ass to die for. Well, sadly… that could have been the fucking case because he was injecting them with bathroom caulk. Sorry, ladies, but you do NOT go for medical treatments in hotel rooms in New Jersey, because probably the ‘practitioner’ is more interested in your fucking money than he is in your health. So far six women have had to have corrective surgery and a treatment of antibiotics in an attempt to reduce the damage. However, take heart, because local doctors there are promising to be on the lookout for more cases, watching with the utmost of diligence the asses that pass them by.

DATELINE: ROME – Just when you think the Catholic Church can’t get more hypocritical, enter Bishop Gerhard Ludwig Mueller, German Bishop of the Regensburg. The good Bishop is annoyed that the Pope had been alerted to the level of wrongdoing done by the Church in Germany. His opinion? ‘This is a great fuss made by the mass media’. A great fuss? He went on to state ‘Besides, there is no need to act because those cases are in the past’. Wow, did he say a mouthful that goes a long fucking way to explain why the church is in the midst of this clusterfuck. Despite how long ago it was, the people who were abused are still suffering. And despite how long ago it was many of those priests are still involved in the church and the people involved in covering up this crap are still covering up crap. It comes down to this. They have no fucking credibility. Why the hell should we believe anything that they say? They have created a sense of entitlement among themselves, that they can do what they like, but they will condemn anyone who does likewise.

And, even still, the German Justice Minister has accused the church of covering up these scandals for decades, and said that the secrecy of the Vatican, their rules and practices, is hampering the investigation. The Education Minister has suggested that there should be a ‘zero tolerance’ when it comes to sexual abuse of children. This needs to be suggested? The Irish government-commission Murphy report has found that the church willingly concealed abuse. So, Bishop Mueller, do you still maintain that this is just a great fucking fuss created by the mass media? How dare you even suggest such a fucking thing. There is an absolute need for this to come out, because otherwise it will continue. In light of abuse allegations and the revelation of a gay prostitution ring operating in the Vatican, you STLL maintain this? Please bear in mind that for how many years was the current pope the last pope’s fucking watchdog and so it is incredibly hard to believe that he knew nothing about this crap going on. As Bishops the world over were shuffling bad priests around the country so their dirty little secrets could be easier concealed, someone had to know, otherwise why would there have been over $2B in settlements in the US because of concealed repeated abuses? The countless number of people who were told to trust the church, to believe in the church, that the church was their only salvation, and that they had to accept this crap from the church or risk burning in hell for the rest of their lives is staggering. Sadly the countless number of good priests who do live and teach by example are also victims of this bullshit, so don’t you dare, Bishop Meuller, blow this off like yesterday’s bad bratwurst.