DAILY NEWS – MARCH 5th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 5th, 2010

DATELINE: ROME – Well, as if Avatar was not going to clean up on the awards circuit anyways this year, the Pope had put it in the bag for James Cameron, and tied a big red bow around it. Yes, once again, the Pope is wading in where he has no fucking business, making mountains out of molehills, by saying that the movie promotes ‘neopaganism’. Give me a fucking break. The environment and its stewardship is a main point of the movie, however in his infinite wisdom, the Pope, who undoubtedly has not read the books or seen the fucking movie, has said that in this piece, ‘nature is no longer a creation to defend, but a divinity to worship.’ At least the environment doesn’t sexually abuse children and then hide the fact for decades. The real issue is Mother Nature! The Pope just can’t stand to be upstaged by a woman.

DATELINE: NEW JERSEY – Outside a home on a quiet street, children play in the snow. They like to build things... and not just your normal everyday fucking snowman. Outside this house, there is an incredibly likeness of the Venus DeMilo done in snow, right down to every detail. People stop, admire, take pictures, BUT one person, apparently the local anal-retentive prude with a carrot stuck up the ass, complained about the nudity. Give be a fucking break! It’s the Venus DeMilo! So, a police cruiser pulls up. The cop admires the work, as he should, then proceeds to order the builders of said snow masterpiece to cover it up. Now, Venus is wearing a bikini. I cannot believe that people don’t have anything better to do that bitch about this crap. Get a life, people. God forbid your kids go into a museum or to the zoo... cause you know... at the zoo animals might be humping other animals, or taking a pee or something, and God knows we can’t have people seeing that either.

DATELINE: ST. PETERSBURG, FL – There is a rhesus... On the loose... yes, a monkey has been running amok throughout the town. The police and wildlife officers have tried to catch it for a year, shoot it with tranquilizer darts, and still it escapes unscathed. Granted, it’s probably not their standard ‘Most Wanted’ type, but ya really have to admire the little bugger. Could there now be a replacement for that fucking energizer bunny with the drum, or perhaps will the CIA focus their attention on the little guy, and use him as training for finding Osama Bin Laden?

DATELINE: NEWFOUNDLAND – Police, after receiving numerous complaints of a vehicle travelling a high speeds the wrong way down a highway, charged the passenger with impaired driving. Only in Newfoundland, you say?? Maybe not. The passenger was a woman learning how to drive. The passenger was her teacher, obviously working on a lesson about the perils of driving while totally pissed out of your mind. He blew three-times the legal limit. How can this be, you ask? Probably because they charged him under the provision that specifies he had care and control of the vehicle without being behind the wheel. The real crime? That the girl was stupid enough to get into the car with the guy. They both should be left to fucking walk wherever they need to go.

DATELINE: MEXICO – The penalty in Mexico City for spray painting graffiti on a wall? You get sent to a town official who will determine your penalty. Best fucking penalty ever? Tagging the kid’s ass. Yes, it seems that one town official found it appropriate to have the kid drop trou and then spray painted his ass before sending him home. I think it’s fucking brilliant, and hope to hell he used hot pink, and wrote ‘Jorje was Here’, AND I hope he took fucking pictures to post on the internet. Unfortunately the town official was fired.