May 1st, 2010 - ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DAILY NEWS – MAY 1st, 2010

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DATELINE: PANHANDLING ON A STREET CORNER NEAR YOU -- Hang on while I pass out the crying towels, cause you are gonna need em now. Stephen Baldwin, the youngest of the arguably ‘famous’ Baldwin acting brothers, is making an appeal for the public to bail him out. After a life of excess and entitlement, drugs and drinking and bad behavior, on the advice of his housekeeper, Baldwin has found God. Sort of ironic how once again the mention of finding God and a hand reaching out for money go together in slapstick stereotypical fashion. Baldwin claims that because of his newfound faith, he has been denied acting roles and income opportunities. Apparently a vow of poverty is not always a part of finding religion. His beliefs have caused him to go bankrupt… so he claims. Don’t get me wrong; I admire anyone who changes their ways, who manages to overcome some demons. Now all Stephen Baldwin needs to do is grow a set of fucking balls, and learn to stand up and fucking get a job like the rest of us. FACT: Bad shit happens to good people; the difference is that when it happens to ordinary people, we have to learn to just fucking deal with it. Welcome to the real word, Stevie.

DATELINE: SLEAZEBALL HALL OF FAME -- Keep the hankies handy for this one too. Rielle Hunter, in her interview with Oprah this week, says that she feels people have a negative opinion of her because of her affair with married former North Carolina Senator John Edwards, aka Major Fucking Sleaze of the Year. Despite her monumental testament to the quality of some blondes, we will give her one moment to recover from the DUH affect of that statement. Seriously? I don’t. I think the two of you totally deserve each other. Hell, have a three-way with Kate Gosselin and make a real statement about the pathetic lives of women desperate for a man AND the limelight so they can then throw an eternal fucking pity party for themselves. I think you and John are a perfect match, saving two other people from abject hell, so please, have at er, have some fun, just do it where we don’t have to fucking watch, okay? FACT: Any man that will do it with you will, eventually, do it to you, so be prepared Rielle, for when the next hard-up bimbo walks starts looking for a moral-less, feckless John.

DATELINE: HEADING FOR POTENTIALLY PERFECT RERUN LAND -- There are some stories that are just too fucking great in their ridiculous incongruities to pass up. Enter… Sarah Palin and her former pageant competitor, Maryline Blackburn. Blackburn, already a singer and performer, who has in fact performed twice at the White House, has decided to enter the political ring in the state she has called home for the last 24 years – Georgia. Now, perhaps it is the writer in me, but I see one hell of a movie in the making here. The two meet in the Miss Alaska Pageant 1984. Blackburn wins the title, while Palin, Sarah Barracuda, takes… wait for it because this one is a killer… Miss Congeniality. Yes, it’s okay. I had to change my pants after reading that too. Blackburn will run on the Democratic ticket in Georgia, but seriously, can you see in 8 years when Palin and Blackburn end up on the ballot for PODUS against each other?? Seriously, writers could not make this crap up, so it will probably happen, and when it does, it’s to be hoped that Blackburn again takes the title and finally slam-dunks the Palin presence in politics permanently out of the ring.

DATELINE: UP YER NOSE -- It is the most amazing scientific breakthrough of our time – nose spray for men that will help them find their more empathetic side. Just one squirt up each nostril and studies show that men suddenly have the ability to think and react like a woman – ALWAYS a good thing. It’s about time! Studies showed that men in the test sample were better able to learn from positive feedback, were more empathetic and emotional when reacting to pictures of children hugging puppies. It improves social response and the receiving of social cues. The ‘Cuddle Hormone’, oxytocin, is naturally produced, more in women than men, obviously, and is a major component to strengthening the bond between mother and baby, but hopes are this can be used to help treat people with social disorders, as well as those insensitive clods that forget our birthdays and anniversaries. Ladies, I will stay on top of this story for you, and will alert you the moment this is available for purchase. Just a shot or two before he wakes up in the morning, and you will have one hell of a great day!

DATELINE: NONE OF OUR FUCKING BUSINESS – Sandra Bullock is getting a divorce and has adopted a beautiful wonderful baby. She has been through enough. Leave her alone and let her get on with her life, raising her family and entertaining us with her movies. As for Jesse, it is reported he is looking sad and dejected. Tough shit. Suck it up, baby.

DATELINE: HEAVEN – It’s two weeks away, ladies… not that I am counting or anything… until the new Russell Crowe movie is released. He has the lead role in the movie Robin Hood and you know what that means – he will be wearing tights! As proven from the many viewings of Gladiator, that man can wear a skirt and pull it off just fine… more than fine… absolutely totally fucking awesomely! As an added bonus, Canada’s Great Big Sea lead singer, Alan Doyle, will be making his film debut as crooner/story teller Allan A’Dayle.

**THANK YOU MISS HAILEY FOR THE CREATIVE TOUCH.

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 30th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 30th, 2010

DATELINE: FLORIDA – Rejoice! All ye animals who so live and abide by the laws in the great State of Florida, for finally ye asses might be protected. Welcome, Florida to the wonderful, and apparently long overdue, world of bestiality laws – where the government is in your bedroom AND your barnyard all at the same time, regulating your sex with your livestock (although it seems that dogs are the preferred partner according to statistics, giving that old expression ‘fucking the dog’ a whole new, literal meaning). It’s hard to believe that there hasn’t been a bestiality law in Florida, or 14 other US states, up to now. What exactly were they waiting for? Perhaps those political stumps out to the Okeefenokee weren’t just to glad-hand voters? Even more hard *insert snickering here* to believe is that there IS a need for the law… an incredibly sad and slightly nauseating thought, ain’t it? Senator Nan Rich, in her second… I repeat ‘SECOND’… attempt to get such a bill passed, managed to get this one through. The reason it became an issue again? A man accidently choked his goat to death while having sex with it. (You’re all most welcome for that new euphemism. Feel free to use it.)

DATELINE: BRAZIL – Another Catholic priest has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Father Jose Afonso has been charged with abusing 8 boys between the ages of 12 and 16, going back to 1995, with incidents occurring as recently as this year. Afonso is 74. Calls from the media to the diocese and the National Conference of Brazilian Bishops went unanswered… another step towards co-operation and full disclosure, I suppose, as promised by the Pope. This case comes on the heels of the arrest and detention of Monsignor Luiz Marques Barbosa, who was caught on video tape having sex with a young man who was his former altar boy. The discovery of the video resulted in allegations of the Monsignor abusing at least three young altar boys. Two other priests in Barbosa’s diocese are also facing charges of sexual abuse. And in Chile, a priest was charged with eight cases of sexually abusing minors. One of his victims included his own daughter – so yes, they have managed to now take ‘totally fucking sick’ to new levels. What is totally amazing is that, amidst all the promises and fucking lip service we get from Rome, there is NOTHING being said about any of these men. There is no talk of excommunication or defrocking. It’s like when a priest does it, none of the commandments are really so legal and binding, there is no hellfire and brimstone, like the rest of us poor people who are not so totally blessed from above. That a Monsignor has now been caught, WITH VIDEOTAPE no less, AND that there are two of his priests in his diocese also facing charges, the Pope should be the first one to speak out, to demand the law prosecute vigorously and that the Monsignor should be issued his clerical walking papers instantly. Without some firm, clear action by the Vatican, it’s pretty obvious that they still don’t get it, and that children will still suffer.

DATELINE: CARACAS – ‘Hey, how’s it going? I appeared like I said I would: at midnight. I’m off to Brazil. And very happy to work for Venezuela. We will be victorious!!’ This was the first tweeted message posted by your friend and mine, Hugo Chavez. Yes, that pompous, long-winded and not just slightly crazy asshole has set up a twitter account. Obviously his first post used fewer characters when said in Spanish. Now, you KNOW there has to be a reason for this, and it ain’t because he wants to butt in on any of Sarah Palin’s folksy-charmy schtick. He has totally muzzled the media in his country, preferring to totally control the message locally and globally, which leaves Twitter as about the only means of communication for those few hundreds of thousands who are opposed to the man and his government but can’t do a damned thing about him at the moment. "The opposition thinks it owns the social networking sites. They think Twitter and Facebook belong to them," said Diosdado Cabello, head of the state-run telecommunications regulator. "We're fighting and there are 7 million of us who will have Twitter," Cabello added. Yes, as in all things Hugo, the ulterior motive is nothing more than to stroke his ego and justify his own existence, masturbating the staff of power with a firm hand and a colossal jerk.

DATELINE: DETROIT – Everyone stand and sing with me! Love can build a briiiiiidge, between your heart and mine… Well, maybe not. For starters, it takes one hell of a lot of fucking money to build a bridge, especially one that runs from Windsor, Ontario to Detroit, Michigan, but being loving Canadians we are gonna step in here and get the job done. Well, maybe not, but we are going to loan the money to the people on the south side of the 49th, so we can get the job done. Surprisingly, I am sort of in favor of it, in a way, maybe, but I have a few concerns. First off, many many times we have been, well, fucked over by the US government in NAFTA and WTO issues and that whole ‘Buy American and not anything from Canada’ thing, BUT you know, we’re prepared to look beyond that, because it isn’t just Americans who did the fucking over; undoubtedly we have done some rather dumb-ass things that have pissed all our American friends off as well. It’s sort of like a family with two bratty kids – we argue and we compete and we pout, but when push comes to shove, for the most part we have each other’s backs… well, unless you consider things like the start of WWII, and the war in Vietnam and little things like that. Overall, though, I think we share many of the same dreams and morals and heritage and we don’t want to see the other come to harm. I was rather shocked to see the absolutely violent comments from news readers this issue brought out because there are a whole lot of people with a whole lot of hate out there. Perhaps a bridge in Detroit could be used to bridge the two countries together again – it could happen. Along with the money will come, I hope, a request from the Canadian government that SOME of the materials and SOME of the labor be supplied from this side of the border, and then maybe we can bridge some of those differences, and at the same time, our brother to the south would learn that we are really not a people to fear.

DATELINE: CHINA – There is nothing so heinous as an attack on a child. When the attack involved a knife and 29 kindergarten students, as yesterday's did, there are no words at all. This is what is happening in Beijing, not once, not even twice, but repeatedly – men are walking into classrooms filled with children and slashing as many as they can manage. This morning, although details are still sketchy, a man walked into a school and attacked 8 children with a hammer. The attack on Thursday also injured two teachers and a security guard (six of the children are still in critical condition), and no motive has been given. The man wielding the knife was brought down by a storekeeper and a delivery man who heard the noise and came running in to help; they smacked him with the fire extinguisher. Of course, in typical government double-babble language, which the Chinese government (their propaganda office, they call it, so at least you have to give them points for honesty in fucking advertising) also excels at, they believe this might be a copycat crime, although they are not sure that anyone who has been involved knew about the other attacks. Either way, they believe it’s best to not say much about the attacks to anyone, especially in regard to motive. It is thought that the attacks are because of personal grudges or social pressures because of the rapidly growing economy and the disparity between the rich and poor that accompanies such growth. Some people claim it is the fault of the government and healthcare because of the many untreated cases of mental illness in the country, although none of the attacks so far seem to have much to do with that. An attack on Wednesday left 15 students and one teacher injured, and last month eight children were stabbed to death outside their school. The man accused of that crime was executed yesterday. He claimed that he was upset because his girlfriend jilted him and he was treated badly by her wealthy family. The government line is that these people could be mentally disturbed as well. What I want to know is, what the hell is going on in anyone’s mind that they could possibly think that going into a room of children and killing them does not show you are a man or show you are dangerous. The only thing it does is prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt that the such a person is nothing more than a pathetic waste of plasma.

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 29th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 29th, 2010

DATELINE: WALLSTREET -- Lloyd Blankfein claims that since Goldman Sachs is a ‘market maker’, they are automatically absolved from any fiduciary responsibility to its clients for any bullshit piece of crap deal they set up for their clients. Their only responsibility was to provide money for Goldman Sachs…themselves and their designer pockets. Even as they KNEW the disaster they were inflicting on millions of people, they were still selling fucking crap to (ie robbing) widows and little old ladies, knowing that it would destroy the purchaser. You see, apparently the financial industry has changed in the last 15 years, and because big business had stopped going to Goldman Sachs for ‘solid investment’ guidance but rather for them to broker deals that most likely screwed over someone else, it was apparently okay to fuck over every one of their OTHER not big-business clients… the ones who would lose their homes, their pensions, their jobs, their entire life, because they were on the other side of the equation—the ‘bend over and smile cause we are gonna screw ya’ side. But THAT’S okay, because this is business, and Goldman Sachs had NO moral responsibility to anyone other than the big dogs while they sat and licked their wounds about not being the total fucking be-all-and-end-all in dishing out advice on how people should invest. No, they did not hold a gun to anyone’s head to make them spend the money, BUT they did have a reputation of being Goldman Gurus, and so whatever they said had to be right. Funny, but fraudsters don’t typically hold guns to anyone’s head either, not do Catholic priests with overactive penises looking for anything available to fuck over. So, it seems to me that the one sure way to determine the integrity of ANY bank manager or financial advisor is really very simple – they should be forced to disclose how much money they lined their pockets with in wages and bonuses for a three-year period, and based on that, the ones who have something even remotely approaching a realistic normal amount are probably the ones with at least a smattering of morals. Unless and until the public gets detail accounts of the amounts of money that these pricks from Goldman Sachs made while they watched the rest of the world, yes, the world, burn, they will have zero credibility and prove only that they are arrogant asshole crooks in Armani suits. For that reason, every one of those men sitting at the table in front of the Senate Subcommittee, should no longer be allowed to manage money for ANYONE ever again, because their warped sense of self-righteousness, entitlement and ethics more than proves they have no intention to ever change how they do business. They are the pedophiles of the financial world. Lock the assholes away.

DATELINE: IN THE EMERGENCY WARD, GETTING HIS FOOT OUT OF HIS MOUTH – You just have to love these stories, the ones where politicians, all polish and sparkle and teleprompters, forget all that crap when wearing a microphone. Gordon Brown followed in the footsteps of George Bush, Jean Cretien and Ronald Reagan, voicing his not-delicately stated editorial opinion of someone with whom they just dealt. I totally LOVE how the first thing British Prime Minister Gordon Brown wanted to know was who had arranged for him to meet the lady he was talking to – and NOT that he was a total fucking idiot. To be fair, I thought he handled her comments adequately, so I am not sure what he was so worried about as he walked away from the on-the-street interview while he was campaigning this week. However, in reading through the MANY available transcripts of his interaction with the senior constituent, I have not seen ANYTHING that she said that makes her a bigot. She asked about all the immigration, just one line, about all the immigration they have experienced from eastern Europe. She has a right to ask that. Perhaps it was that buried between the lines of her short one-sentence comment about the issue, there was what could be maybe stretched to imply an editorial comment on political correctness and how it might be wrong to ask about the issue, but it was an issue nonetheless, and to be honest, all this politically correct crap only allows more opportunities to be politically incorrect for whatever the hell is the reason of the day. Gordon Brown is, as well, entitled to his opinion and certainly he should be allowed to it while in the privacy of his own chauffeur-driven car, however he said a mouthful about HIS intolerance to the concerns of the people he so wants to represent. Start packing, Gordo, because I think you are gonna be out house-hunting in very short order.

DATELINE: CHINA – Apparently even when the flame dies down, the games are never really over. In 2000, at the Sydney Olympics, there were questions about the age of Chinese gymnast Dong Fangxiao. The Chinese athletic organization argued that she met the minimum competition age of 16, and although the IOC tried to investigate, there was no evidence they could find to support claims that the diminutive athlete was only 14. The same issues existed at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics, with some of the Chinese team appearing to not meet the age requirement, but the paperwork confirmed the claimed ages of the girls. Now, however, as a result of the Beijing Olympics, it seems the evidence required to prove Dong Fangxiou’s age surfaced when she filed paperwork to be an official at the 2008 games. Yes, she wrote down her age, and after some simple ciphering, the International Gymnastics Foundation had the evidence they needed, and the IOC stripped the team of its bronze medal, awarding it to the US team that had come in fourth in 2000. I can’t help but wonder how a 14-year-old girl, living in a communist country where, if you are told to shit in the corner, you ask how much and what color, because it could be a life-changing (or life-ending) thing to refuse, could be held responsible, but that being said, I think there is a very simple way to deal with the issue from now on, because stripping medals under these circumstances sucks, AND it sucks even more that the team that should have been given the medal at the time, with the flags and the pomp and ceremony, were robbed of that. So, the IOC should state, in no uncertain terms, that ANY time this shit comes up, either because of the actions of the athlete or the ‘patriotic pressure’ (wow, how’s that for putting a nice name on a can of crap) of the country that athlete represents, at the NEXT Olympic games following the discovery of the lie/abuse/cheating/etc the ENTIRE TEAM in that event is not allowed to compete. If they know they will have to wait 8 years for the next chance for ALL members of that particular team, then maybe this shit will end. Belated congrats to the 2000 Sydney Olympics Bronze Medal winning Olympic team of Amy Chow, Jamie Dantzscher, Dominique Dawes, Krista Maloney, Elise Ray and Tasha Schwikert.

DATELINE: TORONTO -- There is a man, a hawt man, a talented man, a man with an arm that is the envy of every baseball team in the land. No, I will refrain from breaking out in song, but it will be a challenge. The man? Jon Lester. The feat? 11 strike-outs and only one hit in 7 innings of play against the Blue Jays, taking the three-game series and soundly tucking it into his incredibly hawt back pocket. Backed by an equally talented, equally hawt team with the likes of Jonathan Papelbon, who pitched the ninth to clinch the deal, Marco Scutaro, Adrian Beltre, Dustin Pedroia… well, the list would be as long as the roster. My only bitch? That I can’t get the fucking games here… all we get is hockey hockey hockey, enough hockey to make a person puke daily in their shoes. I hate hockey, so I hope they hurry up and get the crappy Stanley Cup over with so we can watch something with totally hawt guys in red socks.

DATELINE: GULF OF MEXICO – Before I start, lemme check on just what Sarah Palin is saying these days, her ‘Drill Baby Drill’ regardless of the costs. For the cost of something as simple as a remote-controlled shut-off valve – called an Acoustic Switch in the industry -- 5000 barrels (210,000 gallons) of oil would not be contaminating the Gulf of Mexico every day right now. According to the federal Mineral Management Services, the issue of making the valve mandatory has been discussed before, but the oil companies argued about the cost and effectiveness, and besides, they had a failsafe method for dealing with emergencies. They say there is not enough data to substantiate that the valves would really work, but evidence from both Brazil and Norway show them to be incredibly efficient and necessary, to the point where the MMS publicly stated they consider the acoustic switch to be ‘an essential component of deepwater drilling’. But for some incredibly arrogant reason, the switch still is not necessary in US waters, because why in the hell would ANYONE in the US want to regulate the oil industry? Sarah Palin would kiss their fucking asses every day, give them the world on a platter as she prostrates herself on the altar of the Oil Big Boys. Perhaps she should be down there looking at the fucking damage being done, damage that despite the efforts of clean-up crews will STILL impact the fishing industries along the coast. This stuff all comes with a price, and when dealing with oil companies, that price is substantial to the taxpayers, the consumers and the environment. The cost of the clean-up so far has been estimated at $6,000,000.00 each DAY, and they have a long way to go before they will be able to plug off the three breaches in the underwater oil pipe. Lemme end with some ‘say it ain’t so’ numbers, because I totally love em. In 2006, there were 3858 oil and gas platforms in the Gulf of Mexico. They all have a main shut-off valve on the ocean floor. Many, but not all, have a ‘deadman’ switch that is supposed to shut the valve on the ocean floor in case of catastrophe. Since 2001, according to the federal Mineral Management Service, there have been 69 offshore deaths, 1349 injuries, and 858 fires and explosions. That’s just in 9 years. In the case of the Deepwater Horizon, the deadman switch did not work, remote control submarines are not able to get to the shut off valve in the sea-floor. The cost of this? Replacement cost alone on the rig is $560Million. Add the cost of the cleanup, the cost in human lives, the cost in environmental damage and the damage to industries in the area, and you have to wonder… an Acoustic Switch costs $500,000 – chump change for any oil company.

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 28th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 28th, 2010

DATELINE: DEEP IN THE BOWELS OF BIG BANKING – I have a plan, a business plan that absolutely can’t fucking miss. I am gonna go out and buy up all the mad cows and mercury tuna and make a literal killing in the grocery business. I will be able to do this, because I will slip a little money to the food inspectors AND I will promise them a percentage of my OTHER businesses – Bambi’s Poison Control Center (they only need a bandaid budget though, for the plan to work), Bambi’s Oak ‘n Velvet Coffin Factory (producing the Cadillac of coffins, the must have in the dead set) and Bambi’s Mortuary (we carry em and bury em. All our plots have a sunset view of the ocean, starting at a low, low entry cost of $50,000 each *). We can get the meat at bargain basement prices, and once we have the people sick and dying, the rest is easy street for us. How can it miss? I mean, substitute mortgages for the meat, and you have the ‘Goldman Sachs Guaranteed Income Plan for Bank Executives’ and if it’s good enough for Goldman Sachs, it should be good enough for me, right? Thank god they don’t give a rat’s ass about morals or ethics or even laws… they have gotten away with it for so long, they KNOW they can do whatever the hell they want and the masses will still bow and scrape at their fucking feet. This is the type of deal that can only be brokered by big banks, deep in their bowels where all the rest of their crap comes from. When you’re deep in the bowels of the bank, there is now way you can even see the people who are now living in their cars, the kids who are going hungry, the businesses that are shutting down and destroying lives and towns and the total fucking global economy, because in the Bankers Bowel Bunker, everything is rosy (In Tourre’s words, they created ‘a product of pure intellectual masturbation’). I think, however, it’s time for an executive high colonic at Goldman Sachs… it might also help prepare all those Big Banker Boys for a couple years of being bumfucked in prison, a sentence that is, well, only appropriate. Perhaps someone should prescribe the same treatment for government as well, since we're in the roto rooter mode for removing shit from our lives, and since for as long as anyone can remember, BOTH political parties have been securely ensconced in Goldman Sach’s pocket.
(* headstones extra)

DATELINE: ARIZONA – When the youngest grub was little, if he tried to tell me a lie, he would cover up his cheek. The reason? His devious mom told him that when he lied, there was a spot that showed on his face. Admittedly, it was a dimple, so it wasn’t a total load of crap, BUT it served the purpose. Unfortunately, people do not come with ‘lying spots’ on their cheeks, nor do they come with their landed legal immigration status tattooed there. So, what the heck are law enforcement officers supposed to do? Yes, there is a need to control illegal immigration, because to my way of thinking, those who are in a country illegally can have no real quality of life. Living with your head over your shoulder is not living. With illegal immigration comes a hugely increased number of other people who are profiting from the plight of the illegal. Illegal immigration is clearly linked with illegal transporting of drugs, the sale of essentially slave labor, exploitation of people and the forcing of some to become prostitutes. Cleaning up the immigration laws is the right thing to do… for the immigrants, and for the tax payers and their collective safety. Arizona has taken a first step, albeit a very controversial one that leaves a lot to interpretation at this point. In order to enforce immigration laws, the police, the sheriffs and the judges need laws to work with. I am not convinced that the law proposed in Arizona is the right one, that it isn’t too general in what it allows police to do, because lets face it, there are a whole lot of really good cops out there, but there are also a whole lot of power-tripping hate-filled money hungry individuals with badges and political ambitions, and that is where the problem lies. So, on this topic, I am going to plant my ass firmly on a nice white fence picket (woohoo!!), spend some time LISTENING to what is being said and trying to learn about the problem, the solutions, and the implications of both, and hoping that instead of everyone just bitching, someone comes up with a plausible suggestion that deals with the problem of illegal immigration while also protecting the civil rights of all of the people. Hopefully something short of having all legal residents having a tattoo planted on their cheek will come up. Alternately, I will wait to see where Sarah Palin weighs in on this, and then lean the other fucking direction just on general principle.

DATELINE: ROME – Well, I knew we could not go a fucking week without a story about a new development in the ongoing pope-opera of abuse and cover-up. Rev. Ruggero Conti , at his trial for molesting boys, committing sexual violence and prostitution, all only a stone’s-throw away from the Vatican, insisted that he was innocent. “I am not a monster.” No, not a monster, just one hell of a sick prick who used his position to force children to pleasure him. Apparently the stroking of the holy staff is more important than the innocence and protection of the children in some parishes. In an interesting twist though, his Bishop, Monsignor Gino Reali, will also be testifying in the trial. It seems that Reali had heard ‘rumors’ for years about the situation, but seriously, you cannot expect such a busy man to pay attention to rumors… a man sworn to do God’s work here on men, a fisher of men, the protector of the moral code, the… oh, screw it… he was just as much to blame as the priest with the wild and crazy prick, and hopefully they will both land behind bars where they can pass the soap and bend over for their cellmate, Vlad the Impaler. The time has come for justice for the thousands of victims, for the secrecy to end, but how can we expect anything other than more bullshit from the organization who, fully aware of the MANY children tortured on the watch of, and arguably with the blessings of, Cardinal Bernard Law, moved that sick son of a bitch to Rome, where he was still allowed to participate in Conclave, for fuck sake. Do what is right for the good Catholics out there, and there are many of them, what is right for the good priests, because yes, there are many of them as well, and especially for the children. Why is this such a difficult fucking concept for the Pope to grasp?

DATELINE: OTTAWA – Finally, we have someone in parliament who has some ball, some fucking principles, a conscience… hats off to Speaker of the House of Commons, Peter Milliken, for doing what was right. Comrade Harper has tried every trick in the book to avoid being accountable about everything, but in this case, it was about Canadian soldiers turning over POW’s, knowing they would be tortured, a complete violation of the Geneva Convention. For months Parliamentary members have demanded answers but have basically been told, by Comrade Harper, to go fuck themselves. In order to quash the work of a parliamentary committee into this issue, he went so far as to prorogue parliament, another action that was arguably unconstitutional, but who gives a rat’s ass when Harper is on his throne. Papers that were released regarding the matter had page after page of blacked-out content, censored by the PMO under the guise of national security, but we all know that was a load of horse crap… again. The opposition parties, in a rare show of combined effort, finally filed a motion to dispute Harper’s stock response, and in reply today, Milliken ordered that the Government will comply with the request or will be found in contempt of Parliament. Mark down one incredibly long-overdue win for democracy, something that was tettering on the brink in this land. How Comrade Harper chooses to respond to this has yet to be seen, but being the arrogant prick that he is, my money says that he will force us into another election so we can piss more money down the crapper he uses as a throne. God forbid, for the sake of the country, he put his ego in his back fucking pocket and act like with some dignity and respect, mustering up just a modicum of sense of co-operation for the greater good. Parliamentarians used to be able to do that. Now, I am afraid, its just nothing more than a pipedream.

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 27th, 2010

BOOBQUAKE DAY!!!!!!! BOOBAGEDDON!!!!! BOOBALICIOUS!!!!

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 27th, 2010

DATELINE: WHERE EVERY GUY REALLY WANTS TO BE – Okay, Ladies, whip out those ta-ta’s and help with a study at Perdue University. Well, it might not be the University, but a student there, the beautiful, wonderful Jennifer McCreight, has decided, and rightly so, that it is time to test the word of the Iranian clerics who declared that women are to blame for the rash of earthquakes. Now, admittedly we, we are definitely the cause of the earth moving for deserving men, however I think these Iranian Clerics are totally up their asses and so will embrace ‘Boobquake’ with all that I have (and although I am not one to brag, what I have is nothing to turn yer nose up at). So ladies, for the next 24 hours, lets shimmy em and shake em, bare em to the world in the most revealing duds you got. My guts tell me that although we might not set off seismographs, we will definitely see an increase in lumber production for the duration. There might also be a few extra eruptions, although i highly doubt they will be volcanic.

DATELINE: BIMBOLAND – I remembered watching as Kate Gosselin cried during Dancing with The Stars. “This is my life!” *insert snot-filled sniffling here*”Everything I do is done in the media. My whole life is right there.” BOO HOO FUCKING HOO. I said at the time the bitch got all that she wanted, that she loved the prima dona/bitch/victim role and now... well... she has signed her children up for the same fucking thing she bitched about and blamed for all her problems in life. She is going to put 8 children into the limelight, have their life under scrutiny while she primps and wimps for the cameras. Listen up, you little attention whore. What you do to your own life... who gives a flying fuck. But as a mother, you have a responsibility to take care of and protect your kids. If you felt that this life in the media was so unfair, so cruel and difficult, why the hell are you exposing your children to it? Well, it’s because you LOVE being the victim, you LOVE the attention and the money and you really don’t give a flying fuck about your children. The gig is up, sweetheart. The world sees you for what you are, nothing more than a fucking money-hungry whore.

DATELINE: CHEAPSVILLE – Randy Quaid and his wife were arrested today for failing to attend any of their court appearances regarding their defrauding the San Ysidro Ranch in Montecito of over $10,000. Now, I have to wonder, what the hell would make a man who SHOULD have more money than he knows what to do with because of the movies he has done, what would make him use a dud credit card to pay for this incredibly expensive stay (by my real-life working class standards) and THEN make the people chase after him? Not only is he cheap, and a criminal, but apparently an asshole to boot. Yes, you paid the bill, and I commend you for that, but why the hell did you put anyone, including yourselves through this shit? If you had a problem with the accommodations, there are routes you can take without screwing people over and costing the state a piss-pot full of money to chase you down, set court dates that you apparently think you are too important to be bothered with, and arrest you. Be a fucking man, pay your god damned bills when you run them up and quit trying to screw over people in an attempt to line your pathetic pockets.

DATELINE: ONLY IN HOLLYWOOD – Speaking of perpetual victims and the women who love to play the role, Lindsay Lohan got her ass kicked out of Trousdale, a ‘beautiful people’ hangout in LA. She reportedly tossed a drink at her ex-best friend. Not much reason there to wonder why the ‘ex’ part. And what a fucking waste of a margarita. She has been on a binge it seems, playing her victim role to the hilt as she parties for the world to see just about every night of the week. I guess you can do that when you are a lazy little rich bitch who really doesn’t give a shit where the next meal comes from because, well, the world just would not stand to let her starve, the poor dear. It’s a good thing she loves this role so much, since she also got the boot from her upcoming movie, where she was supposed to be... I can’t really believe this, but what the hell... the lead actress or something. Don’t get me wrong, but a one-armed masturbating monkey has more acting skill than the spoiled brat queen of entitlement. The financial backers thought there might be some questions about Lohan being bankable. If they were referring to a sperm bank, they might be okay. Otherwise... hmmmm... I think not. Better to go with the monkey... and get some bang for your buck.

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 26th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 26th, 2010

DATELINE: LAND OF THE GIANT PRICK – Men, I have bad news for you. If you want to be a cop or in the military, AND you want to do so in Papua, AND you have had a penis enlargement, you are shit outta luck. The reason is because, and I was very surprised to read this, but IF you have had a penis enlargement procedure done, it could interfere with your ability to go through physical training. This ‘hindrance’ could cause you to trip, could cause you to get high-centered when climbing over a fence or under those icky meshy things they use to train soldiers, or could catapult the said trainee into danger, or a bramble patch. How is this possible? Well, I asked myself the same fucking question, because, let’s face it, the crap that those snake oil companies sell on the back pages of magazines really would not cause this to be an issue, and if you have had a surgical procedure, unless they harvested the new parts from an elephant, none of this should be an problem, right? Wrong! Because in Papua, they attach massive 3’ long gourds to their penises to make them more impressive to the girls. Honestly, I would think it scares the living crap outta them, but what do I know? They have also been known to wrap their penises in ‘itchy’ leaves to make it swell, and to attach little curly gourds that allow the men to pee AND irrigate the lint out of their belly buttons all at the same time. I have two questions though: one, how the hell does one design a uniform to accommodate the gourded penis, and two, why the fuck is this news?

DATELINE: TEXAS – We knew it was only a matter of time, didn’t we? Yes, George Bush’s book Decision Points will be going on sale in November, and I am all atwitter. It’s not that I really give a shit about what he has to say, nor that I would be caught fucking dead paying good money for that crap, BUT you have to admit that with the magic that man does to the English language, the book has to have more than a couple Giggle Points. Poor old Daniel Webster would be crying if he could see the words that would be popping up in the Ex-Pres’ tome. His collection of words of wisdomology is not meant to be a traditional memoire, but like damned near every one of his speeches, will offer ‘never-before-heard’ details of his presidency, expounded with the use of such gems as nucular weaponry, and how we all misunderestimated him, so he can ‘kind of catapult the propaganda’. We need to hear more about how OB-GYN’s aren’t practicing their love on their patients enough, how he congratulated people having to work three jobs, how he was the decider. Yup, Georgie, you done one hell of a job. It should be noted though, that Bush has spent every day since he left office working on his book, and that his wife, former First Lady Laura, has as well. Her book will be hitting the stands in May, proof that it IS faster to write a book when the spellchecker isn’t exploding from overuse all the time.

DATELINE: HOPEFULLY UNDER A CLOAKING SHIELD -- It’s official. If we needed a reason to stop the NASA space program, we have one now. Noted uber-genius astrophysicist Stephen Hawkings has warned us that yes, there is every likelihood to be intelligent life forms in space, and no, we do not want them here. They could come, pillage, plunder, abuse us, use us and leave us with nothing. We would become the intergalactic equivalent of trailer trash, fodder for down and out country music singers and almost entertaining sitcoms. So, I suggest we should start to gather up an offering for them – something along the lines of a worm, a turtle, George Bush’s book, and a case of Lemon Gin, all to be delivered by Sarah Palin. That way, we remove any doubt that there is NOTHING here that they would want to waste their time with.

DATELINE: NEW YORK – In a new and totally vile spin on the Good Samaritan story, a homeless man, Hugo Alfredo Yale-Tax, went to the assistance of a woman being attacked on the streets of New York. Because of his actions, the woman got away, however Hugo ended up stabbed and severely injured. For 90 minutes, the man lay on the sidewalk, screaming for help, reaching to passers-by, some of whom looked at him, many who did not, one who stopped to take a fucking picture with his cellphone, and one who stopped to shake the injured man, then moved on. Not one of them bothered to phone for help. Not one of them stopped to offer any assistance at all. This man gave his life to help his fellow human being. What a shame that no one could even consider doing him the same kindness. You should all be totally fucking ashamed of yourselves.

DATELINE: A MAYBERRY WANNA-BE – The town of Kure Beach, North Carolina, has decided that thongs shall not be allowed on their beaches. They claim they want to create a ‘Mayberry’ feeling to their town, shunning promiscuity and nudity. (I suspect though, it’s a cautionary attempt to ward off any earthquakes) I guess this is another town I will have to cross off my ‘places to see’ list, because I will NOT be arrested by some winey wimpy Barney Fife simply for my footwear. Surely the town has better things to spend their time and money on, like demanding that all kids run around barefoot and whistling annoying fucking tunes.
**okay, I know they weren't talking footwear, but seriously, the issue is still totally fucking asinine**

DATELINE: KABUL – It takes some special kind of men to poison an entire girl’s school. Yes, promoting the case for men’s superiority and intelligence, they were so fucking threatened by some girls going to school that they had to poison the works of them… in THREE schools. I have no doubt that some great deity who’s words were totally fucking bastardized is behind this, because we all know that those fucking deities screamed constantly about the dangers of women using the brains issued by said deity. How about we try this for a change, guys? Man the fuck up, and allow the women to learn. You might be surprised at what we can accomplish, and accomplish it one hell of a lot faster, easier, more efficiently AND without all the fucking posing and pandering for praise. Thankfully for the young ladies in this case, none were seriously sick. The attempt was fucking pathetic attempt to scare them away from schools. It is to be hoped that the girls find a way to rise above this bullshit oppression to one day kick some hairy fucking asses around the block.

DATELINE: PRICKSVILLE – Roman Polanski’s lawyer claims that the US wants to see his client brought home ‘in shackles’. Actually, the suggestion has merit, as a starting point. We could follow that up with testicle clamps, all before hanging him from the ceiling only by his penis while piling lead weights around his navel, just to get the full benefit of the procedure. When the hell is this guy gonna get it. He is nothing more than a colossal fucking chicken shit child rapist who deserves to spend the rest of his life in a fucking prison where HE could be the little boy toy of some 6’8” 320-pound Hell’s Angel named Baby. Now THAT would be justice served.

Sunday Sermon with The Rever-end Dillinger

Sunday Sermon with The Rever-end Dillinger

Good Sunday Morning to you all.

Of late, I have received pleadance from some members of the Holy Church of the Granite Stoned Sepulchure regarding right and wrong - the absolutes thereof and so forth and fifth. Right or wrong as it appears in the Bible is, to say the least, well, rather 'what the hell if it is; do not do it and only the good Lord knows for sure' and He seems only, at least back then, to be able to instruct certain chosen ones personally. Strange that, I should think, as what the hell; if there is, and there is not, then why not just get down to it and let us all know - speak the word of God into our ears and just let us know, right? Oh, that would not do now, would it, children? I mean, and after all, how would we be thus tested in the eternal, if short circuited, quest for the knowledge we all need, to slip up and sit on or at His side? That little quest, of course, is to be in His heaven and not His hell. If I say I am not certain, then how can you all believe in me as the messenger of God and your Holy Savior? It stands to reason, correct? Of course it damn well does!

Which brings ol' Reverend Dillinger to the other night when I was sitting with Hiawatha Hyacinth and wondering why her hand was cajoling my manhood when quite suddenly that seemed unimportant; well, for a minute or two, at least. I asked her what was right and what was wrong. Really, I had no interest in her answer but I thought since she had not shaved her nails well, and that foreskinned is forewarned and I got a little prick, well hell, I asked her. Dunno she said. Our Hiawatha is a sweet whore full of love and almost always atither, which is quite proper for such as her profession. She became one of my holy sisters as some of you know but that is another story and not suited for said Sunday sermonificatory glory. Dunno, she said - repeating herself was normal. Then she said something quite astonishing, I thought. She asked me if it was important? I said I thought it might be, as I was getting quite a lot of pleadificatory inquiries from the congregation and I did not think either that it was a huge deal, but maybe?

It dawned on me that indeed it might be. To myself and my ilk it is, of course, not relevant, as it was not with Hiawatha and her ilk; protestations of such being par for the course with most folks but not for us. What is, after all, wrong with her answer? Is it important to you all? Have you the correct fear of repurcusion from our Lord and Savior? It is all a question of risk and reward for you, is it not? So, if it is not important to your revereand then why should it be to you all, which it seems to be? Hiawatha got me a beer and four fingers and I began to think of it not a great deal but just a little; the 'little' being that indeed life is as it was meant to be. There are winners, there are losers. I am, of course, a winner and most of you are silly losers who concern themselves on the surface of your meager moral wishes to do good and be loved while at the same time raping everything and everyone in your path to get what you please or need, as it may be. There are few who do this and are simply honest about it - very few, myself being one. You do not care for the risk; you care for the reward. If you are not successful in your prurient lusts then you pretend to be upset - sorry - ill at ease for the others that you have fucked over. In reality, you are simply uncomfortable and immediately begin looking for solace which is usually screwing some other poor bastardo. My ilk just do it - wonderfully, without conscience - therefore I am your reverend and worthy of your adulation and, of course, your love and your money.

None of the above will make any sense to you whatsoever, but Bambi is drunker than a shit-headed skunk and cannot do the blog this Sunday, as every Sunday, so I just think of shit and she posts it. So, see children? I am, indeed, a holy bastardo who is helping a friend. Right and wrong? Send the child to war and bask in the glory of it. He needs your love, your trust, your holy patronage. Kill the little bastards; it is what makes a country great.

That is enough. If Bambi posts this, she is out of her mind. Love, Reverend Dillinger, Hiawatha and all the other grammatically-stunted idiots out there and in here!

IT'S ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY!!!! WOO HOOO!!!

DAILY NEWS - APRIL 24th, 2010

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD – Michael Avmen, an actor who had tickets to attend the Academy Awards, is suing them for $50M. It seems that his tickets got lost in the ‘beautiful people’ confusion that goes with the gala event, and he and his wife ended up sitting in a back room, held by security people for six hours, where they were interrogated about how they managed to get onto the red carpet and accused of trespassing. At that time, they were picked up by police who took them back to the police office where no charges were laid and the police apologized profusely for the clusterfuck. Now, they did have tentative confirmation that they had tickets, and there was an Oscars limo sent to pick them up at the hotel to bring them to the ‘beautiful people’ gala, but that fact was lost. I don’t blame Avmen for being incredibly pissed off. What I have a problem with is this… he was detained in the back room of ‘the beautiful people’s’ fucking gala. It was not Abu Ghraib, nor was it Alcatraz… and yet they are suing for being “injured in health, strength and activity” They claim they “sustained injury to his and her body and shock and injury to their nervous system” and have since suffered with “humiliation, mental anguish and emotional and physical distress.” While I applaud them for taking a stand against the wrong that was done to them, all my sympathy went totally down the crapper when they turned this into the ‘let’s fuck the beautiful people so that we can become them’. $1M is reasonable. $50M is just totally fucking insulting to anyone who has ever had to deal with real fucking stress in their lives.

DATELINE: VULCAN – He was boldly going where not too many men have gone before, and for a reason. Leonard Nimoy, Mister Spock of Star Trek fame, paid a visit to the town of Vulcan, Alberta, a little town somewhere between The North Pole and the US border. The town has idolized the famous Vulcan for decades. This was huge fucking news… for the people in Vulcan. They finally had someone to pose for them beside their Starship Enterprise Roadside Attraction.

DATELINE: SEEKING NEW CIVILIZATION – Don’t worry; I will not be carrying this theme all the way through the blog. With the announcement that Michealle Jean will not accept another term as Governor General of Canada, there is much conjecture about who will assume the throne. The position is one of mostly ceremonial purpose – the Queen’s representative on this side of the ocean, and seriously, we all know how demanding THAT job is. So, who better to fill this all-important high-profile position than William Shatner? Yes, Captain James T Kirk, that curt-talking hand-flapping shining star on the Canadian big screen. I can’t wait for his first sit down with the Queen and Prince Phillip-My-Mouth-With-My-Foot.

DATELINE: RIVERDALE – Archie and Jughead have a new friend arriving in town, and he is gonna be totally irresistible to Veronica. Now, I always thought that she was a bit of a tramp and a rich snooty bitch, but she is about to meet her match, because the Kevin Keller is more interested in what’s in Reggie’s trousers. The introduction of the openly gay character to the comic book is meant to keep Archie and his gang current with the rest of the world. I can’t wait until those right-wing bible-thumping lovers of all that is free and democratic learn about this and start their campaign to get them banned from town libraries and schools. I hope Sarah Palin is at the helm, because then she might have a chance to see some real literature.

DATELINE: SWITZERLAND – A US court has ordered that Roman Polanski will not be tried in absentia. Switzerland still has not decided if they will extradite him or not, BUT it would be really wonderful if people accepted that while this prick might be a movie director with an award or two, HIS IS STILL A FUCKING CRIMINAL AWAITING SENTENCING. He is a fugitive, a fucking coward that did absolutely cruel, unspeakable things to a little girl, and then ran off to hide. His celebrity doesn’t count worth shit. He should be sent back to the US, and he should spend the rest of his pathetic fucking life in prison.


DATELINE: IN BILL CLINTON’S FOOTSTEPS – John Edwards is being called to testify under oath before a federal grand jury regarding his relationship with mistress Rielle Hunter and the funds used to keep her in the custom to which she seems to have become used. The apparently very busy Hunter has not been able to squeeze any of the last five deposition appointments into her schedule – could be those Oprah interviews and GQ photos she is tied up with, all the time screaming that her privacy is being invaded. Simply put, Edwards is nothing more than a feckless fucking sleaze, and Hunter is his bootycall, and nothing more. Sadly, I suspect that Edwards will claim though, that he will not be able to pretend, using his ailing wife as his excuse and hoping for the double play sympathy hit/good guy photo op. It’s just the kind of asshole he seems to be.

DATELINE: THE BEDROOMS OF THE NATION – Okay, everyone – strip, get in the sack and get busy! Doctor Oz says that we need more sex, and who the hell is gonna argue with them. He admits that it seems that women get short-changed, the short end of the stick, the … okay, I will stop with that. Here’s the thing: he says that if we increase from one night a week to two times a week, we could live three years longer. This is fucking perfect. Okay, ladies, make sure the bank account is secure, throw hubby into the goose pasture for the duration, spend your evenings with Big Blue the Silicone Stud (to increase your life expectancy, of course) and you will be raking in the moolah a few years earlier. I wonder if Larry King’s wife knew about this?

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 23rd, 2010

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 23rd, 2010

DATELINE: CALIFORNIA – You might want to put down the morning muffin for this one, Sugar-britches. You know the old thing about boys and their toys? It takes a new spin today. 60-year-old Steven Ferrini was arrested for drug possession earlier this month by California Highway Patrol officers, and taken for processing. It was at this time that the arresting officer found wires running around Ferrini’s body, starting at his front pants pocket where he had a small on/off switch. He explained that it was his anal vibrator, and since he could not be thrown into the cell with his funny twitchy thumb up his bum, it was decided that medical personnel would be required to remove it. It’s probably safe to say that the arresting cop was not having a good day. However, while making arrangements for ‘the procedure’, Ferrini started talking about his skills in bomb construction, always a wise brag while in police custody, which caused police officials to reconsider what had to be done. Yes, folks, it could have been that the really hip terrorists might have just created the Ass Bomb. The decision was made that the offices would be evacuated (*insert severe nose-snort snicker here*) and the ‘Explosive Ordinance Disposal’ Team brought in for removal of said possible explosive ordinance – aka Mr. Knobbly Long Finger. Three hours later… yes, it took three fucking hours for them to decide if they should cut the red one or the blue one… Ferrini’s ass was defused. Sorry, but there is just not enough Hazard Pay for this sort of work.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON, DC – While we are on the subject of taking it up the ass, in an interesting and quirky bit of irony, it seems that while the economy and taxpayers were being fucked over by the likes of Goldman Sachs, high-ranking officials at the SEC were busy watching porn on their work computers, some for up to 8 hour a day, downloading it onto their hard drives and burning it onto discs which were also paid for by taxpayers. Inspectors for the SEC conducted 33 probes (yes, we are just totally chock a fucking block full of anal euphemisms today, aren’t we?) 31 of which were done just before the economic crash and burn. Over half of the people found to be spending their time and tax dollars ‘fucking the dog’ were making over $200,000/year. Assholes, spend your own time and your own fucking money to get your jollies. That any of these people would still be allowed to work for the government is absolutely astounding, and not just a little bit sickening.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – And sticking to what is sure to be a successful theme, in the aftermath of the Olympics, and the subsequent presentation of the bill for same, questions have arisen as to the disposition of a huge fucking number of tickets purchased by Crown Corporations, corporations that are funded by we, the taxpayer, yet administered as if they were private entities other than for the fact that those who head those entities all seem to have the typical government ‘let’s fuck the taxpayers up the ass just one more time’ mentalities. In response to a request from opposition members, a list was provided detailing who used the incredibly expensive Olympic tickets at BC Hydro, a fair request, because it would be nice to think that the tickets were used not to take the chairman’s extended family for a fun week on our dime. The list was provided, with EVERY fucking name blacked out ‘for privacy’. This has become the new favorite Canadian government game, apparently at all levels of administration. The evidence regarding torture of prisoners was also issued on totally black pages. Not to worry, though, because Mary McNeil, the minister for the Olympic games has said that all government-purchased tickets will have the user disclosed in an upcoming report, and then thought she adeptly tap-danced her fucking way around the whole issue of the crown corporation ones, brushing it off with the explanation that the crown corporations have their own process and requirements to report the information to, and their own boards to receive that information. That would be code for ‘Yes, we are going to sit back and watch the show, make the popcorn and prepare the Boom-chacka-chacka music for the repeated fucking of the taxpayers once again. Have a nice day.’

DATELINE: SAUDI ARABIA – I totally accept that different cultures have different customs and beliefs, but no matter how the hell you try to explain this, it still comes out as fucking sick. Parents of an 11-year-old girl had her married last year, for a dowry of $23,350.00 to the father’s 80-year-old cousin. How in the name of all that is fucking holy can anyone think this is okay? They sold their CHILD, essentially prostituting her. This week, the girl was finally able, through what has to be an incredibly awesome (I also imagine him to be rather hawt) lawyer with the Human Rights Commission, to divorce her husband. Her family agreed that a settlement could be reached privately, without court involvement. While some clerics there would argue that the Prophet Muhammad set the precedent for child brides, it is unlikely, back in the time of Muhammad, that women lived much beyond the age of 40, so they probably had to get an early start. Congratulations to the girl, both for her new-found freedom, and for making the Saudi government take notice that perhaps their laws regarding minimum marriage ages should be reviewed. Duh! Look, if you have to marry them off, find a couple of Larry King’s for them – you know, one foot in the grave and pockets heavily laden with gold they might stand to inherit in no time at all.

DATELINE: INDIANA – Flying directly in the old adage ‘happy as a pig in shit’, police in Albion, Indiana found a wanted suspect buried up to his neck in a liquid manure pit. They had been searching for him regarding drug charges (qu’elle surprise!) when they found him hiding in a mixture of hog and dog shit (apparently big fucking dogs). The suspect was pulled from the shit and taken to hospital for treatment of hypothermia, I am sure crowning off a perfectly lovely day for some paramedics and nurses, who found themselves cleaning shit for hours after the fact.

DATELINE: POPE BENEDICT’S HELL – Yes, they are falling like fucking chess pieces, and I have to blame those promiscuous women that cause the earthquakes. First a German bishop, then an Irish bishop, a Belgian bishop have all resigned this week. "When I was still a simple priest and for a while when I began as a bishop, I sexually abused a young man in my close entourage," the bishop of Bruges, Roger Vangheluwe, said in a statement at a news conference in Brussels. Two more Irish bishops are waiting in the wings, their letters already submitted and just waiting for the Pope to accept. Well, Whoop-de-fucking-do! To accept their resignations, to see them fade off into the evening, their pensions secured, to live a life of idyllic peace in the country is a load of fucking papal crap. Not until criminal charges are laid, until proper civil legal process is started, will there be anything close to a fucking resolution to this. Please quit insulting us and just stop victimizing the victims further and do what you know is the right thing to do.

DAILY NEWS -- APRIL 23rd, 2010

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 23rd, 2010

DATELINE: BEHIND A PRETEND NEWS DESK – Bernie Goldberg went onto ‘almost’ national television (because, well, he was on Fox) and slammed Jon Stewart in an ‘explosive’ response that was really nothing more than burrito after burn. You might ask ‘who gives a shit?’ Well, I will explain to you why you have to give a shit. Mainline news, news that is supposed to be serious, informative, help us to understand our world and the issues that affect us all, every day, in every walk of life and in every part of the world, should NOT be wasting fucking time taping rebuttals to, (and Jon, I love you dearly and you are so incredibly fucking lickable hawt, as well as pinchably cute AND incredibly funny) a COMIC SPOOF news program. Obviously there is only one reason for this, and that is jealousy. Well, it could also be Goldberg could, in fact, be a total raving idiot (not to mention hypocrite), since he spent all that time slamming you from the safe confines of a little box at Fox. I noticed a sad glimmer of a tear of rejection in his eye when he complained about not getting any tongue when Jon kissed him. The sad fact of the matter is that we get more accurate, more pertinent, more professional and WAY more informative news from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert than we do from any of the fucking yellow drool that oozes from the lips of too many political commentators on television, and the assholes at Fox know that. So, Bernie, hon… stick with Tucker Carlson cause, well, he’s about all the man you can handle. Leave the likes of Jon Stewart to me; believe me, I would take that lap dance with him in a fucking heartbeat. Oh, and Mr. Colbert, for the record, Ice holes are mine!

DATELINE: TORONTO – Nothing says ‘Welcome to Canada’ like being hit on by the immigration judge handling your case. Apparently Judge Steve Ellis believed it was just fine to boink newcomers. I would love to know how the issue of his ‘terrible’ marriage and his desperate need for a girlfriend comes up in an immigration interview, but goddamn it, he managed. He had it all figured out, that even though the woman he was hitting on was in a relationship already, it was okay, because he was married too, and so they would just do it ‘on the side’. You have to give this perverted sick son of a bitch credit though, because he probably taught her a whole new fucking vocabulary to help her adjust to life in North America. Oh, and he even went so far as to reassure her that he would not be too demanding, because he was ‘not going to fall in love with’ her. This guy was one smoooooth talker. I just can’t imagine why the hell he was in a miserable loveless marriage. Little did he know that the woman’s other half was aware of his attempts and was recording these conversations. That his victim was seeking asylum in Canada because of her physically abusive father and threats she received in her homeland makes this story even more sickening. What I want to know is why it took FOUR fucking years for this to come to light and for this son of a bitching power-abusing prick to have his ass kicked off the bench.

DATELINE: THE SOCIALIST AREPA SHOP NEAR YOU – Hugo Chavez has done it again! The man is a fucking genius. In an attempt to help feed the many many starving people of his country, he has opened up The Socialist Arepa Shop line, a government-owned fast-food joint that offers arepas at one third of the normal cost, as well as “Chavez is a winner’ t-shirts. Of course, inflation has already hit their customers, because the cost of an arepa has gone from 5 bolivars to 7.5 bolivars overnight. With the snappy socialist slogans on the walls, it seems as though Chavez has found yet another way to stick it to his people, filling their tummies and their heads at the same time, not that it matters, because he seems to have the fate of the country locked up, thanks to HIS lap- dancing with the likes of Putin and Ahmadinejad. For some reason this smacks of yet another ‘ohhhh shiny – over there’ distraction while he gives the real food to him growing armies and saves the grease for his adoring public.

DATELINE: WISCONSIN – It was only a matter of time before someone filed a legal suit naming Pope Benedict and his involvement in the thousands of sexual abuse cases that have plagued Catholics. All I can say is ‘It’s about fucking time’. The Vatican, a religious equivalent of Toyota, has much to account for, and to offer lame-ass lip service about the changes they will make is too little too late by all standards. That the Pope, either now OR in his Cardinal Ratzinger beanie, was unaware of what was happening, the scope of it OR the hiding of it, is a totally asinine suggestion. A priest couldn’t pass fucking meat-tinged gas on a Friday without him knowing about it, so there is no reasonable, logical, believable way that he did not know about the priests that were abusing children. That this is only a civil case is annoying. Why the hell are there not criminal charges being sought? This man was the ONE MAN who could have, for the last twenty-plus years, stopped this bullshit from happening. He had the authority, he had the knowledge, he was almost assuredly aware of what was happening, and he allowed it to continue, making him also criminally responsible. That the stories were hidden, the priests removed and relocated to offend again, also makes him an accessory to what they did. This man, this wonderful holy-er than thou pajama-clad hypocrite needs to be held to account; it’s the only right thing to do for the sake of all the victims, it’s the only right way to make sure it does not happen again to other children, and it is the only way the Church and all its good priests will EVER regain that lost credibility.

DAILY NEWS - APRIL 21st, 2010

PRESIDENT SARKOZY - PROTECTING OUR DIGNITY ONE WOMAN AT A TIME!

DAILY NEWS - APRIL 21st, 2010

DATELINE: PARIS – President Sarkozy seems bound and determined to pass his law forbidding women to wear a burqa. He claims this is because he wants to fight for the rights and dignity of women in his country, because they are being forced to do something they don’t want to do. Apart from the obvious irony (and arguable idiocy) of that statement in regard to a woman’s right to choose what she wears, there is one other little twist that sort of blows this theory all to hell in a hand basket. IF he felt this way about a woman’s dignity, a woman’s ability to not be abused or coerced, then why in the hell is Sarkozy playing post office for Polanski in his lame-ass attempt to plead his case in regard to sexually abusing a very young teen and then fleeing the country after working out a plea bargain to the lesser offence. When Sarkozy met with President Obama for his nuclear summit last week, it is reported in L’Expresse that he delivered a letter written by Polanski to the US President, pleading for clemency. Why the hell Sarkozy would be involved in this is totally fucking beyond me, but can you please explain to me how he can possible support clemency for an admitted rapist, a man who planned, drugged and raped a teenage girl, the ultimate attack on the rights and dignity of the victim, while at the same time claiming that he is doing the right thing for the rights and dignity of women by demanding they remove their religious garb? Welcome to the two faces of the President of France. If the issue of the burqa is nothing more than an issue of hate and intolerance, then the same restrictions on oppressive religious garb would apply to nuns as well. If the issue of the rights and dignity of a woman, then why the fuck is he doing anything to support an asshole rapist like Polanski?

DATELINE: REALITY TELEVISION HELL – Because there just aren’t enough of these fucking shows to make us puke, Sarah, Duchess of York, is pitching her own addition to the roster. Her premise? She will go around to middle American towns and fix their problems. Don’t that sound special? She can talk to them, solve all their problems, sort of like Anne Landers meets Ty Whatever-The-Hell-His-Name-Is who does the Extreme Make-overs. The fucking hubris of the plot is overwhelming. She will ‘fix the school in Boise or get another restaurant for Allentown’. Of course, her qualifications for doing this speak for themselves – former Royal, guest-hosting on the View, doing weightwatcher commercials… yup, she is more than qualified to snake a toilet in the council chambers of some bum-fuck town in the middle of nowhere. Of course, using that wonderful Palin logic, she is more than qualified, because she has seen a throne, even if it was from a distance. The ONLY fun part of this might be to see her go head-to-head with the former Alaska Governor… The Rogue Royal and the Gone Rogue being a Royal fucking pain in our television viewing asses.

DATELINE: IN A FOREST NEAR YOU – Speaking of Sarah Palin, researchers have discovered that some caterpillar species are able to speak through their asses. **waits patiently for readers to make that connection** It’s a behavior meant to scare interlopers away. It seems it works for people as well.

DATELINE: ROME – Pope Benedict announced today that the Catholic Church will now take the issue of sexual abuse committed by priests more seriously, that they will implement steps to protect the children of the parishes. Well, it’s about fucking time. He even said those magic words that these priests should be reported to the legal civil authorities when there are laws requiring them to do so. So, does that mean that it’s okay for priests to carry on with sexually abusing children in places where there are no laws to protect the children? That where the children are most vulnerable of all, well, what the hell? Those kids don’t matter so we don’t need to do the right thing there as well? Why the hell would he make such a stupid fucking statement as that? We shall see. However, they have a long way to go, because at this point in time, its nothing more than lip-service, and we know how experienced they are at that game.

DATELINE: DELAWARE – Indicted on 58 counts of rape, unlawful sexual contact, continuous sexual abuse of a child, sexual exploitation… 24 female victims, 10 years of committing crimes, 471 felony counts in total involving 102 girls and one boy. The numbers had to be seen first, because they are staggering. The person indicted: a Delaware pediatrician. The victims: his patients. One other scary statistic? This man has practices in three other states, so the list of victims and charges will undoubtedly grow as authorities start to look into his activities in Pennsylvania, New jersey and Florida. His defense: of course it will be that he cannot be held mentally responsible for his actions. Earl Bradley was a fucking doctor running a thriving practice for more than ten year, but what the hell. Bambi’s suggestion for sentencing? A case of Ginsu knives and a locked room with the parents of those children. His pecker should be served up on a platter. It’s time to do something to stop all this crap from happening, because these people in positions of trust and authority are totally fucking up society.

DAILY NEWS -- APRIL 20th, 2010

DAILY NEWS -- APRIL 20th, 2010

DATELINE: IRAN – Damn you, Ladies, damn you!! You promiscuous evil-doing women, with your hair and your hips and your tight clothes!! You look so fucking hawt that even Mother Nature can’t contain herself and causes the land to shake! According to Iranian senior cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, women are to blame for the tens of thousands of people killed in earthquakes and has ordered that the fairer sex straighten up, button up, and behave, because otherwise the world is doomed. Funny thing, but I can’t help thinking that it is just one more reason for us to understand that sort of male thinking. The crazy fucking bastards are scared shitless of us! Is there really any other reason for these tiny-pricked men to be so afraid of the power, intellect and ability of the fairer sex? I think not. Ladies, lets welcome the backhanded acknowledgement, strip down and shake it!

DATELINE: IN THE BELLY OF A WHALE – Was it Jonah or Pinocchio who ended up inside a whale? Not that it matters, I suppose, but that was about the only thing NOT pulled from a whale’s stomach. The grey whale was dead and washed up on the shores of Seattle’s Orroyo Beach. The cause of death is not confirmed, but a betting man might guess it was something the whale ate. The thing had the same diet as a fucking goat, surprising the specialist who was called in to do the necropsy. The organization who takes care of investigating whale deaths said they have never seen anything like it. Inside the belly of this whale they found towels, sweat pants, surgical gloves, and plastic items. There was also a golf ball in there. People, even though whales do come with the pre-requisite hole, we do NOT play golf on them. We might also want to consider cleaning up our fucking oceans just a bit, because this is just one hell of a sad statement on our respect for our environment.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – At the risk of painting a giant fucking target on my back, I have to say the obvious: With the exception of some of those people who carry one because it is part of their job, a gun is nothing more than a replacement for a deficient, or perhaps non-existent, penis. Let me clarify a bit more… there are people who require them for hunting, for work, there are people who require them to be handy because they work in remote or dangerous spots and so they have one tucked where they can get it when they need it, because, let’s face it, there are assholes out there that will only respond to a lead threat. Yes, they are necessary, and they have held us in good stead for centuries, however, when we feel the need to never be separated from the fucking thing, when we cannot stand to not have it displayed proudly on our belts as we sip coffee or attend fucking confession, then they are nothing more than a ‘look at my gun and not my prick’ prop. Watching the display of people protesting for the right to open-carry their guns yesterday at Washington and in Virginia, I just shook my fucking head. In a civilized, educated and respectful society, we probably don’t need them. There was a reason people had to stop with the open carrying in the wild west, and those reasons still apply today. No one is saying you can’t bear your fucking arms, but please, keep the penis where it belongs.

DATELINE: IN SOME VERY FAT WALLETS – I have no doubt the world rejoiced yesterday when Goldman Sachs announced their incredible +$3B profits for the last quarter. I know I fucking did. It lifted my heart to know that those poor bankers, those poor, poor bailed-out bankers who were almost in danger of losing their fucking three Cadillacs, vacation villas in Tuscany, megayachts and 200-room mansions, have managed to now continue to carry on fucking the people and lining their pockets. Yes, it’s a wonderful security to know that some things never change, that bankers have no lessons to learn because, well, they will just fuck the people over again and hold out their hands for more bail-out money. The only way to make this less painful, apparently, would be for those ivory-tower dwellers to stockpile some KY, because at least that way it might not hurt the rest of us so much.

DATELINE: APPARENTLY A GLASS HOUSE – The Cardinal of Cuba, the highest-ranking catholic in that country, said that improvements are needed immediately, that they are in the midst of “a very difficult situation, certainly the most difficult we have lived in this 21st century”. Cardinal Jaime Ortega stated that there was a need to "make the necessary changes quickly" because "its delay produces impatience and unease in the people”. Funny thing, that he can spew this about the Cuban government and the social situation while his own organization is unable to accept the same advice. His words might have more impact if they didn’t come from such a hypocritical source. The people of Cuba deserve much better. Sadly any attempt for someone in the Catholic Church to affect any positive change will have no significance until the Vatican cleans up its own nest full of fucking crap.

DATELINE: AWARDS SHOW HELL – Just when it seems that Sandra Bullock’s personal life is being put through the wringer because of her asshole husband, now she has been asked to return her Razzie. The reason for the request? Because she was mistakenly given the first made statue, and it has sentimental value to the creator. Ya know, this woman really is a class act and she deserves better than this, and she certainly doesn’t deserve to have all of this flashed through the news just because she does her job, does it with pride and without being a prima dona. Cut the woman some slack. Now, my personal opinion is that she should take the razzie, shove it up Jesse’s ass and then give it back to the creator, and laugh like hell when he finally clutches his precious hunk of tin, caresses it, lifts it to his lips and kisses it. Of course, she won’t do that, but holy crap, it would be funny.

DATELINE: ON THE HOOK OF A TOW TRUCK – Toyota agreed to pay the $16M fine assessed them for dragging their fucking feet in their responsibility to alert the public about problems with their cars. How did they celebrate? With more fucking recalls. Let the landside of lawyers covered in class action suits commence.

DATELINE: SEARCHING FOR OLD MARIO PUZO BOOKS – US mobster James ‘Whitey’ Bulger is thought to be in British Columbia. On the FBI’s most-wanted list for over 15 years, Whitey is wanted in relation to 19 murders, racketeering; extortion… the list is long. And yet, the information about him reads like an application for an on-line dating service: He loves long strolls on the beach, visiting historical sites, digging through dusty book bins for old volumes. The 80-year-old fugitive is still considered very dangerous, and very valuable. There is a $2M price tag on him from the FBI. Safe money says the price tag is higher back in Boston, where he knows the location of more than his fair share of fucking skeletons that could land a lot more people in the slammer.

SUNDAY SERMON with The Rever-end Dillinger Flakewaiter

SUNDAY SERMON with The Rever-end Dillinger Flakewaiter

My Dear children and penitents-funny thing about penitation-yes I do invent words when it suits me-is that as the great character Tartuffe-Molier's that is-i once saw a production when dear Tartuffe entered the stage whipping himself with a cat-o-nine-tails but not hard enough to cause any damage. So as you sit there on this wonderful Sunday wherever it is or you are-you sit before me in penitential reverence for your sins and hoping that our dear Lord and savior will answer your prayers and he just might. If you reach deep into your pockets and give me all of your ill-gotten gains then you indeed might have a small chance. 'Rubbish' I hear you screaming. How can our dear God and the right reverend be so unabashadly greedy? Well kiddos, we just are and that is that-amen and amen? Note question mark after my amens and think about that, but, much later when you are much less heavy laden. So, back to the penitant thing. God and his minions ask it of us, correct? They ask for sacrifice. At least according to the Bible they do. Now, some of you will think I am being an evil bastardo and making fun of church and God and His minions. I am not! What are we supposed to believe other than what is written in his great book? Truth as the people who wrote it saw truth, right? Ignore the present, live in the past, understand that God gave us a damn brain and an ability to question so we should, right? Or is that indeed the Devil's work? Hmmm!!??

At any rate-new paragraph. We, as believers, are destined to follow the path of the Lord as He would have it, and that is only fair to Him, is it not? We must ask the questions-it is our sacred destiny according to Satan? See kiddos? That is the whole damned problem. How do we know who is speaking to us in the still small voice of our souls that often screams at us but is most often ignored? Is the child born with absolute right versus absolute wrong? I wonder? I think it is learned, don't you? So once again we come to that silly yet insufferable questioning: How do we know who is talking? Beats the hell out of me, so my suggestion is not to take a chance that you might indeed end up in a burning lake of fire. Might as well send me your money so that I may prosper and take the burning bullshit upon myself. See? I am your right reverend and loving father, so just go with the flow, do as you wish, ask for justice in the eyes of the Lord and, as I suggested, send me your manna-or is that mana? No mind-you understand don't you, all of you?

The risk is mine and the Chevy needs a lube job-old but reliable. As always, I am yours, the Right Reverend slush bucket of forgiving sins of all kinds natural and un-natural-love Father Dillinger.

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY -- APRIL 17th, 2010

DAILY NEWS -- APRIL 17th, 2010

IT'S ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY!!

DATELINE: AT THE TIPS OF MY FINGERS – It took a Canadian woman to do it. ‘It’ is porn for the blind. Yes, Braille porn, with the pictures in great detail raised off the page, so much so that people can see them with their eyeballs too. However, in a twist of what has to be a sick twisted mind, the people in the pictures are wearing animal masks, like bunny ears and elephant trunks. If this was to fall into the hands of a child, god only know what he will think about human anatomy. The author explains that it was easier for her to get her friends to pose for the pictures if their faces were not shown. I can totally understand why! They all look totally Canadian, all pasty white and not a tan line on the bunch. No matter, I have no doubt there will be a whole lot of fingers doing the walking through those pages.

DATELINE: NEW YORK – Don’t squeeze the Charmin… or the nude models asses at the Museum of Modern Art. A new exhibit that offers a review of Marina Abramovic’s work over a forty year period is raising eyebrows, and dare I say other anatomical accoutrements *wink wink*. It includes nude performers standing in a doorway, performers who are complaining that they are being touched and handled by visitors of the museum. Consider yourself warned: if you happen to touch one of them, you will be shown the door. Like all museum pieces, these are to be looked at, appreciated, enjoyed… but definitely not touched. The problem? The two in the doorway are so close together, you have to touch them in order to get through. On the bright side, some of Abramovic’s performance art in the past has involved her having visitors inflict pain on her in a number of possible ways (including chains, knives, scissors and a gun), while others watch. I will be doing up my application for Abramovic tonight, because she ain’t seen fucking art unless she has seen Bambi, and god knows, it would be an exhibit people would never forget.

DATELINE: UNDOUBTEDLY ON THE ROAD TO HELL – Award-winning Christian singer Jennifer Knapp is coming back with a new album, and is coming out of the closet, all at the same time, and undoubtedly evangelical heads will be spinning. Aware of the possible negative fallout from making her announcement, she is still forging ahead, hoping that perhaps these God-loving examples of all that is good on earth will not want her tarred and feathered, condemning her to the fires of hell and eternal damnation because of her honesty. The woman is in a same-sex relation; she has not carved out a contract with the devil, and its probably safe to assume that her voice and her presentation and her heart will still be in fine shape, because who she is in a relationship doesn’t matter a tinker’s damn. Then again, there is no one who jumps to judgments and condemnations faster than those god-fearing bunch. The issue I am still grappling with in this whole fucking thing is, seriously, there are awards for Christian singing??

DATELINE: ROME – In a show of total generous, magnanimous forgiveness, The Vatican has conceded that, perhaps, the Beatles were okay. I have no fucking doubt this is one hell of a relief to both John Lennon and George Harrison. In what is truly the fucking funniest case of the pot calling the kettle black, the irony of their statements cannot be passed over. “It’s true, they took drugs: swept up by their successes, they lived dissolute and uninhibited lives’. Hmmm, sounds like some fucking pedophile priests, don’t it? They, of course, saved this faint praise for the 40th anniversary of the day the Beatles broke up.

DATELINE: OGRE SWAMP – He is too Shrekxy for his shoes, too Shrekxy for his clothes...! Yes, there are some HAWT photos kicking around that show Shrek and his friends with some barely-clad lads and lasses in what was supposed to be a new photo spread for the new movie, Shrek Forever After. What the hell is wrong with Donkey snuggling with a jammie-wearing model? So some of the models are wearing barely-there leather? It’s a man’s magazine, nothing intended for kiddies, so what the hell is the issue? That being said, though, I do take objection to the lady with her ta-ta’s almost hanging out posing with Puss in Boots while feeding him grapes. THAT one crosses the line, not that I am a prude, or that I am hawt for Puss in Boots, but my god, have you heard that cat when he speaks??? It’s enough to bring Bambi to her knees. There is nothing more sexy than that cat’s voice.If anyone is popping grapes, or anything else, into that sezy mouth, its gonna be me!

DATELINE: NEW YORK – It seems that seven was not his lucky number. Well, technically she was number eight, but he married one twice, so I guess it’s all in how you wanna spin this. Larry King has said goodbye to wife number seven, and he did it with so much fucking style. Then again, considering his age, ya gotta admire the guy’s stamina. While he is accused of screwing around with his 46-year-old sister-in-law (insert ewwwww-factor groan here), his wife, Shawn, has also been accused of boinking a 27-year-old hawty youth baseball coach. Bambi’s rule #1 – If he will do it WITH you, he will eventually do it TO you. If in fact Shawn had an affair, of course the age discrepancy would be to make up for the last 11 years with a now 76-year-old old man. Either way, they both filed for divorce this week, and there is every reason to believe that this will be one hell of a circus performance so get in lots of fucking popcorn. One has to wonder though, while he and his wife are duking it out in court over who pays legal fees and who has custody of the kids and how many millions will not be paid in alimony or support, how is all this going to play out with those two little boys?

DAILY BLOG – APRIL 15th, 2010

DAILY BLOG – APRIL 15th, 2010

DATELINE: IN A LINE CASHING A REALITY CHECK – While I am not a person often prone to sympathize with airline companies, because, let’s face it, the prices have gone up and the level of service has sort of gone in the crapper in many cases, HOWEVER, in light of the current stop of air travel over Europe, people, GRAB A FUCKING BRAIN! This is an international situation that requires communities to open open up their hearts, open up their shelters and their exacuation centers and help people who are stranded. As for the global media covering this situation, SERIOUSLY YOU MIGHT HAVE TO COLLECTIVELY GO MINING FOR A BRAIN TO SHARE AMONG YOU because all you are doing is making matters worse with your stupid fucking questions and reports about frustration and anger and incompetence. No airline is good enough be able to deal with this sort of a situation without hitting a bump or two -- because this is global -- and there is not one of them who will be able to tell you when flights will be able to commence because no one knows that. The impact of this shutdown is huge, and everyone is totally in the same fucking boat. Yes, I feel incredibly bad for the passengers who are stranded, who had holidays cancelled, or holidays suddenly extended even though they might not have the resources to afford it, but what the fuck do you want airlines to do? For starters, this ain’t no fucking picnic for them. There will be pilots and aircrew who are stranded as well, regardless of what they might have planned in their personal lives, be it weddings, funerals or just working in their gardens. Yes, there are ticket and service staff working major overtime to try and help, and computers grinding endlessly to help people as fast as they can, but again, THIS IS GLOBAL AND HUGE and is something that no one could have anticipated. Here is the bottom line: A volcano erupted (which is not any airline’s fault), the jet stream picked up the ash and is carrying it over Europe (nope, still not the airline’s fault), airplanes tend to hurtle into the ground at rather breakneck speeds when their engines get filled with ash and volcanic dust (okay, you CAN blame that on someone… I pick Sir Isaac Newton and his fucking gravity). It is not their fault that you cannot fly, and while it pains me to say this, there is no fucking way the airlines can be expected to carry the can for your extra costs involved with staying where you are because they cannot fly. It’s time for communities to step up to the plate, for people to help each other. Go to the fucking airport where you live, offer to help someone by taking them food or offering them a place to stay. Perhaps local merchants should step up to the plate and take some pizza’s to help out, or offer spare diapers to the people waiting with little ones, town officials can open up their disaster relief facilities and offer housing for people who are stranded – perhaps the collective media can be helpful and call for people to step in and show some compassion for stranded passengers. There is one person to blame for this, and one only, and that would be Mother Nature, and the lesson she is trying to get through to us? That no matter how smart we think we are and how much we demand control of the world, she ALWAYS has the trump card to play in this game, and when she does, it is time for us to show our human side, pitch in and help.

DATELINE: SOUTH AFRICA – It seems we are destined to never fucking learn that a game is just a game. As the ticket offices for the World Cup soccer tournament opened up, one person died in Cape Town (no, he wasn’t trampled or murdered, but he was a pensioner and he collapsed while waiting for the office to open, cause, well, if he didn’t have some of those tickets, he would just die.) and many others in Pretoria clashed with police because the lines were going too slow. The lines were going slow because the computer equipment in the ticket office was not working properly, so it was not like someone was trying to fuck them over, and none of those people ‘had’ to wait for a ticket to a fucking game, but apparently this is life-shattering enough to require police to use pepper-spray. Who gives a shit about the other people standing in the line, because they had the bad luck to be standing around some asshats and just got caught in the overspray and the pushing and whatever. Sadly, and you read it here first (duh! Cause like we all don’t know this is what’s gonna happen) there will be more of this crap once the actual games start, because nothing says ‘Yes, its soccer time’ like fans swarming and fighting and generally behaving badly. IT’S A FUCKING GAME, and YOU AREN’T EVEN PLAYING THE DAMNED THING, so take a chill pill. Nothing pisses me off like people thinking some sport event is the fucking be-all and end-all. That we pay billions annually for grown men to play all day is totally asinine.

DATELINE: MISSOURI – I have no idea what the hell ‘expired’ beer is, but free beer is free beer, especially with summer coming, so who the hell can blame two city dump workers in Columbia if they happened to take a case or two… or 700. Two truckloads of expired beer were taken to the dump for disposal. The Beer from the first load was destroyed immediately. The beer from the second load, 700 cases of Bud and Michelob Ultra, were not, and it was just a crying shame to leave them sitting there, alone and unloved in a landfill (damn, that sounds like some great lyrics for a country and western song!). So, the two employees backed up a city truck, loaded up, and HELLO!!!! Block Party time. You boys have a good ole’ time, and just make sure you get help to drink the evidence. I will be ending you my phone number in the event you want some help, cause there is nothing I love better than free beer from the dump.

DATELINE: MARS – They are preparing for our visit! Yes, now that President Obama has decided that NASA should concentrate on Mars, I have been giving this a lot of thought. I know NASA can do better than a worm and a turtle and a rat to send to Mars. And once we definitely make contact with the people on that planet, we will have to do something to protect ourselves, because they will be coming to look for us, wanting to tap into our vast knowledge and expertise. Add to this, the reports that state Sarah Palin has made over $12M this year from book sales and speaking engagements (excuse me while I puke because even if this number has been slightly exaggerated by the media, it is still obscene!) and you have a perfect combination of totally dumbass circumstances. SO, I volunteer Sarah Palin for the first test flights to Mars. Just think about this for a fucking minute – she KNOWS the place, because she can see it from her window! And she would definitely take away the worries of the Martians coming to tap our brains, because they would know from our offered sampling that intelligent life forms will not be found on our planet. The benefits of sending Ms Palin could be endless. Mostly… while she is sitting up there drinking tea and talking her hopey-changing drivel, she would not be doing damage here… maybe.