DAILY NEWS -- APRIL 23rd, 2010

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 23rd, 2010

DATELINE: BEHIND A PRETEND NEWS DESK – Bernie Goldberg went onto ‘almost’ national television (because, well, he was on Fox) and slammed Jon Stewart in an ‘explosive’ response that was really nothing more than burrito after burn. You might ask ‘who gives a shit?’ Well, I will explain to you why you have to give a shit. Mainline news, news that is supposed to be serious, informative, help us to understand our world and the issues that affect us all, every day, in every walk of life and in every part of the world, should NOT be wasting fucking time taping rebuttals to, (and Jon, I love you dearly and you are so incredibly fucking lickable hawt, as well as pinchably cute AND incredibly funny) a COMIC SPOOF news program. Obviously there is only one reason for this, and that is jealousy. Well, it could also be Goldberg could, in fact, be a total raving idiot (not to mention hypocrite), since he spent all that time slamming you from the safe confines of a little box at Fox. I noticed a sad glimmer of a tear of rejection in his eye when he complained about not getting any tongue when Jon kissed him. The sad fact of the matter is that we get more accurate, more pertinent, more professional and WAY more informative news from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert than we do from any of the fucking yellow drool that oozes from the lips of too many political commentators on television, and the assholes at Fox know that. So, Bernie, hon… stick with Tucker Carlson cause, well, he’s about all the man you can handle. Leave the likes of Jon Stewart to me; believe me, I would take that lap dance with him in a fucking heartbeat. Oh, and Mr. Colbert, for the record, Ice holes are mine!

DATELINE: TORONTO – Nothing says ‘Welcome to Canada’ like being hit on by the immigration judge handling your case. Apparently Judge Steve Ellis believed it was just fine to boink newcomers. I would love to know how the issue of his ‘terrible’ marriage and his desperate need for a girlfriend comes up in an immigration interview, but goddamn it, he managed. He had it all figured out, that even though the woman he was hitting on was in a relationship already, it was okay, because he was married too, and so they would just do it ‘on the side’. You have to give this perverted sick son of a bitch credit though, because he probably taught her a whole new fucking vocabulary to help her adjust to life in North America. Oh, and he even went so far as to reassure her that he would not be too demanding, because he was ‘not going to fall in love with’ her. This guy was one smoooooth talker. I just can’t imagine why the hell he was in a miserable loveless marriage. Little did he know that the woman’s other half was aware of his attempts and was recording these conversations. That his victim was seeking asylum in Canada because of her physically abusive father and threats she received in her homeland makes this story even more sickening. What I want to know is why it took FOUR fucking years for this to come to light and for this son of a bitching power-abusing prick to have his ass kicked off the bench.

DATELINE: THE SOCIALIST AREPA SHOP NEAR YOU – Hugo Chavez has done it again! The man is a fucking genius. In an attempt to help feed the many many starving people of his country, he has opened up The Socialist Arepa Shop line, a government-owned fast-food joint that offers arepas at one third of the normal cost, as well as “Chavez is a winner’ t-shirts. Of course, inflation has already hit their customers, because the cost of an arepa has gone from 5 bolivars to 7.5 bolivars overnight. With the snappy socialist slogans on the walls, it seems as though Chavez has found yet another way to stick it to his people, filling their tummies and their heads at the same time, not that it matters, because he seems to have the fate of the country locked up, thanks to HIS lap- dancing with the likes of Putin and Ahmadinejad. For some reason this smacks of yet another ‘ohhhh shiny – over there’ distraction while he gives the real food to him growing armies and saves the grease for his adoring public.

DATELINE: WISCONSIN – It was only a matter of time before someone filed a legal suit naming Pope Benedict and his involvement in the thousands of sexual abuse cases that have plagued Catholics. All I can say is ‘It’s about fucking time’. The Vatican, a religious equivalent of Toyota, has much to account for, and to offer lame-ass lip service about the changes they will make is too little too late by all standards. That the Pope, either now OR in his Cardinal Ratzinger beanie, was unaware of what was happening, the scope of it OR the hiding of it, is a totally asinine suggestion. A priest couldn’t pass fucking meat-tinged gas on a Friday without him knowing about it, so there is no reasonable, logical, believable way that he did not know about the priests that were abusing children. That this is only a civil case is annoying. Why the hell are there not criminal charges being sought? This man was the ONE MAN who could have, for the last twenty-plus years, stopped this bullshit from happening. He had the authority, he had the knowledge, he was almost assuredly aware of what was happening, and he allowed it to continue, making him also criminally responsible. That the stories were hidden, the priests removed and relocated to offend again, also makes him an accessory to what they did. This man, this wonderful holy-er than thou pajama-clad hypocrite needs to be held to account; it’s the only right thing to do for the sake of all the victims, it’s the only right way to make sure it does not happen again to other children, and it is the only way the Church and all its good priests will EVER regain that lost credibility.