ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF-CRAP DAY – APRIL 10th, 2010

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF-CRAP DAY – APRIL 10th, 2010

DATELINE: NO MAN’S LAND -- Hello Kitty Wine? Yes, it appears that Hello Kitty likes to get her groove on with a new product line of alcoholic beverages that include such marketing sensations as Angel Pinot Nero, Devil Pinot Nero (yes, the bottle AND the label kitty are black), a Brut Rose and a Sweet Pink Sparkling wine. Now, I do not claim to be an expert on Hello Kitty (because quite honestly my life is not quite that fucking pathetic) so, I learned that there are change purses, stickers, movies, cartoons, restaurants, theme parks… all dedicated to Hello Kitty. So, nothing makes more sense than to offer those betwixt and be-teens the chance to drink off that funk. Slip a little bottle of Hello Kitty into the old school bag and that will help get you through the day. Seriously, any adult buying Hello Kitty wine should not be allowed to purchase or drink alcohol.
*please note that I managed to avoid all pussy references throughout this post.

DATELINE: WISTERIA LANE – Nicolette Sheridan is suing creator and producer of Desperate Housewives Marc Cherry for a cool $20M. ‘Why?’ inquiring minds ask. Well, she claims charges of assault and battery, gender violence, wrongful termination, and intentional infliction of emotional distress. For this, she claims, Cherry committed the final crime… he killed off her character. $20 Million? He allegedly slapped her face. Whoop-de-fucking-do. Perhaps some statistics on the number of people abused by employers, facing discrimination, dealing with intensely stressful days at work every fucking day and have no hope in hell for compensation in the amount of $20. Nicolette, I am sorry if, as you claim, you had to put up with that in your work environment, because no one deserves that for doing a day’s work. However, perhaps you should be thankful for the fact that you will not be losing your home, your family, your dignity or anything else, like millions of others do every fucking day around the world. A $20M dollar fucking settlement is nothing but obscene.

DATELINE: LOS ANGELES – ‘One small step for mankind…’ Apparently Buzz Aldrin, while lighter than air on the moon, wasn’t so light on his feet on the dance floor. Yes, Buss Aldrin was voted out of Dancing with the Stars. For the love of all that is fucking holy, the man is 80-years-old and has literally ‘danced with the stars’… the real ones, not those over-botoxed, over-blinged, plastic-boobed ones that are really nothing more than a mingling of hot gases and surgical procedures. Buzz Aldrin may have been voted off the show, but he is still one hell of a class act. Way to go, Buzz!
Still on the dance floor, viewers are stunned by the fact that Kate Gosselin, that sour-pussed prima dona wanna-be, has not yet been voted off the show. After clomping around the dance floor this week to Lady Gaga’s ‘Paparazzi’, a performance slightly akin to watching a work horse clomp through a shit-filled corral despite the most valiant efforts of that total hotty and sweetheart Tony Dovolani, by some fucking miracle she was left on the show to torture us, and arguably poor sweet hawt Tony for yet another week. Sorry, but there is not enough pay in the world for Tony Dovolani to have to endure her shit.

DATELINE: COPENHAGEN – Workers at the Carlsburg Brewer have turned off the beer tap. Yes they have gone on strike, protesting a new regulation that restricts the amount of free beer they can consume during their workday. Yes, they are being restricted to only being allowed to drink their free beer at lunchtime. People, we have to stand united against these new barbaric work conditions, so until the issue is settled, pop the top on a few Sam Adams instead.

DATELINE: APPARENTLY NOT MONTANA -- Actress/singer Miley Cyrus is like, wow, like, she is almost 18 and, like, you know, she has this boyfriend who comes from like Australia, and like, she bought a house for you know $3.4 million and she and her mom are like fixing up so she can move into it when she is 18, and she is like planning on marrying her Australian boyfriend as soon as she like turns 18 and even asked her mom, you know, if she could use her wedding dress. SQUEEEEEEE. And like, she went to Australia and like Omigosh, Australia looks just like Nashville so how could she, like NOT consider marrying him, because, you know, he’s a surfer and he is a whole 12 inches tallerer than, like, she is. It’s like totally, you know, a match made in fucking Hollywood.