DAILY NEWS -- APRIL 1st, 2010

DAILY NEWS -- APRIL 1st, 2010

DATELINE: ENGLAND – The poor, poor Queen of England is facing financial crisis! According to the incredibly credible top secret secretly intercepted documents those fucking tabloids love, there is terrible under-financing of the Royal ‘Estate’. This ‘Estate’ is a collection of the queen’s 360+ individual properties on approximately 160,000 square meters of land. The cost of the upkeep of these residences, maintained by taxpayers, is $23Million a year, or it was back in 2004. In 2008, the taxpayers increased that amount to $24Million, which, because it is not nearly enough money, has caused a ‘backlog’ in ‘maintenance projects’. This is an OUTRAGE. In these hard times, we can’t possible expect the Queen to dip into her own fortune, estimated between $180 Million and $1 Billion. The woman obviously NEEDS that money… although since she (along with all her family) lives rent free, the cost of purchasing all those fucking hats has to run into the thousands of dollars at least. So, here is my solution. The British Government could save a whole lot of reconstruction money being sent to Haiti by instead bringing homeless Haitians to live in some of those 360+ properties, some of which have enough rooms in them to house a whole fucking Haitian city. Or perhaps some of that fortune, accrued on the backs of the working class in the form of taxes, could be used to stimulate the economy or provide healthcare for those who cannot afford it, or provide a roof for those many who no longer have one in these troubled times. The days of this sort of fucking privilege should be over.

DATELINE: OTTAWA – Well, whenever the name Helena Guergis comes up in the House of Commons, you KNOW it’s going to be a great day on the Blog! Seriously, Helena Geurgis is a bloggers gift from heaven, ranking right up there with Sarah Palin and Ann Coulter and the Pope! *insert insane giggle of fucking glee here* The Minister of State for the Status of Women is now explaining how it is that letters written to media outlets defending Guergis’ incredibly bad (arguably illegal actions for the rest of us puissant tax-payers) and applauding her work, came from HER OFFICE STAFF, and not just one of them, working under altered names. Yes, her little minions wrote wonderful glowing letters to media outlets. Now, she claims she has no prior knowledge of the action, that she has told her staff that it was inappropriate and all that crap, BUT considering her hubby dear (you remember, Rahim ‘I got Caught with Cocaine and Beat the Rap’ Jaffer) did the same sort of crap when he was in public office, having someone impersonate him for a radio interview (yeah, that one sort of blew up in his fucking face as well). I am sure glad that this fucking Bimbo is on the tax-payers payroll, and doing one hell of a job championing the cause for women all over the nation. Yes, I feel much better. Thank you, Comrade Harper, because once again you have shown us the lengths you will go to in order to be honest and give a shit about the people in this country -- NOT. Obviously, we don’t deserve anything better than this crap to represent us, and she comes with full fucking government endorsement.

DATELINE: FENWAY PARK -- *gets out giant foam finger, stocks beer fridge* Yes, this Sunday at 8:05 pm Boston Time, the Red Sox will welcome the likes of Jeter, Posada and A-Rod onto their home turf as they kick off the start of their first regular game of the season. The Beckett/ Sabathia match-up will set the stage for another seven-month rivalry guaranteed to offer us many enjoyable fucking hours of watching those guys in the tight white pants, with butts to totally fucking die for! And this year, in Bambi’s household, those butts will be in Hi Def! Yes, life is good.

DATELINE: PUNXSUTAWNEY – Kissing a frog is one thing, but what the hell happens when you kiss a possum? You land in jail! That’s what happened to Donald Wolfe who, in an alcoholic haze, found a dead opossum on the road and tried to breathe life back into the poor little bugger. Since the critter had been dead for a fairly long time already, his efforts did nothing, other than entertain people along Route 36. So, this begs the question: if he would do this for an opossum, what the hell would he do for a groundhog he might find in distress? I am willing to bet though, he might have a problem getting a goodnight kiss for a while, cause the things that his lips touched just with that one possum would require several gallons of Scope and Lysol to kill.

DATELINE: ROME – When the going gets tough… hire a fucking lawyer. Yes, today the top legal official for the Vatican has stated that regardless of what any investigation turns up, despite whatever responsibility he should shoulder, regardless of any legal action or suit filed in regard to the abuse of children by anyone within the Catholic Church, the Pope cannot be called to testify because he has...wait for it... immunity. As head of a sovereign state, he enjoys the same privileges as any other leader of a country. I am sorry, but it always seems that those who need it most are the ones who so readily claim ‘immunity’. I have to admit, I had wondered about the legalities that might be involved with the Pope should evidence conclusively point to his knowledge of the thousands of abuse cases, his condoning them, his essentially permitting this to carry on for decades, first is his role as Cardinal Ratzinger, and then as Pope. Would he hunker down in St Peter’s and claim sanctuary? Do any extradition treaties exist between Vatican City and any other country, allowing the arrest of criminals from within those holy walls should charges be laid in other countries? But I needed to fear not, because he has it all in the bag already, and it is very safe to assume that, like that fucking Russell on Survivor, he will hang on to that fucking immunity idol till his dying breath.

DATELINE: NEW JERSEY – a 15-year-old Renton girl sold her 7-year-old step-sister, making her have sex with as many as seven men and boys at a party on the weekend. She started off the evening having sex for money with the guests herself, then branched out, selling first the opportunity for the men to ‘touch’ her sister, and things progressed from there. The little girl was told she would be killed if she screamed or said anything. There are no words. The men involved in this should never be allowed to see the light of day. Regardless of circumstances there is NO ONE who would believe that this was okay, and any man who participated should have their fucking nuts in a Slap Chop.