May 1st, 2010 - ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DAILY NEWS – MAY 1st, 2010

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DATELINE: PANHANDLING ON A STREET CORNER NEAR YOU -- Hang on while I pass out the crying towels, cause you are gonna need em now. Stephen Baldwin, the youngest of the arguably ‘famous’ Baldwin acting brothers, is making an appeal for the public to bail him out. After a life of excess and entitlement, drugs and drinking and bad behavior, on the advice of his housekeeper, Baldwin has found God. Sort of ironic how once again the mention of finding God and a hand reaching out for money go together in slapstick stereotypical fashion. Baldwin claims that because of his newfound faith, he has been denied acting roles and income opportunities. Apparently a vow of poverty is not always a part of finding religion. His beliefs have caused him to go bankrupt… so he claims. Don’t get me wrong; I admire anyone who changes their ways, who manages to overcome some demons. Now all Stephen Baldwin needs to do is grow a set of fucking balls, and learn to stand up and fucking get a job like the rest of us. FACT: Bad shit happens to good people; the difference is that when it happens to ordinary people, we have to learn to just fucking deal with it. Welcome to the real word, Stevie.

DATELINE: SLEAZEBALL HALL OF FAME -- Keep the hankies handy for this one too. Rielle Hunter, in her interview with Oprah this week, says that she feels people have a negative opinion of her because of her affair with married former North Carolina Senator John Edwards, aka Major Fucking Sleaze of the Year. Despite her monumental testament to the quality of some blondes, we will give her one moment to recover from the DUH affect of that statement. Seriously? I don’t. I think the two of you totally deserve each other. Hell, have a three-way with Kate Gosselin and make a real statement about the pathetic lives of women desperate for a man AND the limelight so they can then throw an eternal fucking pity party for themselves. I think you and John are a perfect match, saving two other people from abject hell, so please, have at er, have some fun, just do it where we don’t have to fucking watch, okay? FACT: Any man that will do it with you will, eventually, do it to you, so be prepared Rielle, for when the next hard-up bimbo walks starts looking for a moral-less, feckless John.

DATELINE: HEADING FOR POTENTIALLY PERFECT RERUN LAND -- There are some stories that are just too fucking great in their ridiculous incongruities to pass up. Enter… Sarah Palin and her former pageant competitor, Maryline Blackburn. Blackburn, already a singer and performer, who has in fact performed twice at the White House, has decided to enter the political ring in the state she has called home for the last 24 years – Georgia. Now, perhaps it is the writer in me, but I see one hell of a movie in the making here. The two meet in the Miss Alaska Pageant 1984. Blackburn wins the title, while Palin, Sarah Barracuda, takes… wait for it because this one is a killer… Miss Congeniality. Yes, it’s okay. I had to change my pants after reading that too. Blackburn will run on the Democratic ticket in Georgia, but seriously, can you see in 8 years when Palin and Blackburn end up on the ballot for PODUS against each other?? Seriously, writers could not make this crap up, so it will probably happen, and when it does, it’s to be hoped that Blackburn again takes the title and finally slam-dunks the Palin presence in politics permanently out of the ring.

DATELINE: UP YER NOSE -- It is the most amazing scientific breakthrough of our time – nose spray for men that will help them find their more empathetic side. Just one squirt up each nostril and studies show that men suddenly have the ability to think and react like a woman – ALWAYS a good thing. It’s about time! Studies showed that men in the test sample were better able to learn from positive feedback, were more empathetic and emotional when reacting to pictures of children hugging puppies. It improves social response and the receiving of social cues. The ‘Cuddle Hormone’, oxytocin, is naturally produced, more in women than men, obviously, and is a major component to strengthening the bond between mother and baby, but hopes are this can be used to help treat people with social disorders, as well as those insensitive clods that forget our birthdays and anniversaries. Ladies, I will stay on top of this story for you, and will alert you the moment this is available for purchase. Just a shot or two before he wakes up in the morning, and you will have one hell of a great day!

DATELINE: NONE OF OUR FUCKING BUSINESS – Sandra Bullock is getting a divorce and has adopted a beautiful wonderful baby. She has been through enough. Leave her alone and let her get on with her life, raising her family and entertaining us with her movies. As for Jesse, it is reported he is looking sad and dejected. Tough shit. Suck it up, baby.

DATELINE: HEAVEN – It’s two weeks away, ladies… not that I am counting or anything… until the new Russell Crowe movie is released. He has the lead role in the movie Robin Hood and you know what that means – he will be wearing tights! As proven from the many viewings of Gladiator, that man can wear a skirt and pull it off just fine… more than fine… absolutely totally fucking awesomely! As an added bonus, Canada’s Great Big Sea lead singer, Alan Doyle, will be making his film debut as crooner/story teller Allan A’Dayle.

**THANK YOU MISS HAILEY FOR THE CREATIVE TOUCH.