DAILY NEWS -- APRIL 20th, 2010

DAILY NEWS -- APRIL 20th, 2010

DATELINE: IRAN – Damn you, Ladies, damn you!! You promiscuous evil-doing women, with your hair and your hips and your tight clothes!! You look so fucking hawt that even Mother Nature can’t contain herself and causes the land to shake! According to Iranian senior cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, women are to blame for the tens of thousands of people killed in earthquakes and has ordered that the fairer sex straighten up, button up, and behave, because otherwise the world is doomed. Funny thing, but I can’t help thinking that it is just one more reason for us to understand that sort of male thinking. The crazy fucking bastards are scared shitless of us! Is there really any other reason for these tiny-pricked men to be so afraid of the power, intellect and ability of the fairer sex? I think not. Ladies, lets welcome the backhanded acknowledgement, strip down and shake it!

DATELINE: IN THE BELLY OF A WHALE – Was it Jonah or Pinocchio who ended up inside a whale? Not that it matters, I suppose, but that was about the only thing NOT pulled from a whale’s stomach. The grey whale was dead and washed up on the shores of Seattle’s Orroyo Beach. The cause of death is not confirmed, but a betting man might guess it was something the whale ate. The thing had the same diet as a fucking goat, surprising the specialist who was called in to do the necropsy. The organization who takes care of investigating whale deaths said they have never seen anything like it. Inside the belly of this whale they found towels, sweat pants, surgical gloves, and plastic items. There was also a golf ball in there. People, even though whales do come with the pre-requisite hole, we do NOT play golf on them. We might also want to consider cleaning up our fucking oceans just a bit, because this is just one hell of a sad statement on our respect for our environment.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – At the risk of painting a giant fucking target on my back, I have to say the obvious: With the exception of some of those people who carry one because it is part of their job, a gun is nothing more than a replacement for a deficient, or perhaps non-existent, penis. Let me clarify a bit more… there are people who require them for hunting, for work, there are people who require them to be handy because they work in remote or dangerous spots and so they have one tucked where they can get it when they need it, because, let’s face it, there are assholes out there that will only respond to a lead threat. Yes, they are necessary, and they have held us in good stead for centuries, however, when we feel the need to never be separated from the fucking thing, when we cannot stand to not have it displayed proudly on our belts as we sip coffee or attend fucking confession, then they are nothing more than a ‘look at my gun and not my prick’ prop. Watching the display of people protesting for the right to open-carry their guns yesterday at Washington and in Virginia, I just shook my fucking head. In a civilized, educated and respectful society, we probably don’t need them. There was a reason people had to stop with the open carrying in the wild west, and those reasons still apply today. No one is saying you can’t bear your fucking arms, but please, keep the penis where it belongs.

DATELINE: IN SOME VERY FAT WALLETS – I have no doubt the world rejoiced yesterday when Goldman Sachs announced their incredible +$3B profits for the last quarter. I know I fucking did. It lifted my heart to know that those poor bankers, those poor, poor bailed-out bankers who were almost in danger of losing their fucking three Cadillacs, vacation villas in Tuscany, megayachts and 200-room mansions, have managed to now continue to carry on fucking the people and lining their pockets. Yes, it’s a wonderful security to know that some things never change, that bankers have no lessons to learn because, well, they will just fuck the people over again and hold out their hands for more bail-out money. The only way to make this less painful, apparently, would be for those ivory-tower dwellers to stockpile some KY, because at least that way it might not hurt the rest of us so much.

DATELINE: APPARENTLY A GLASS HOUSE – The Cardinal of Cuba, the highest-ranking catholic in that country, said that improvements are needed immediately, that they are in the midst of “a very difficult situation, certainly the most difficult we have lived in this 21st century”. Cardinal Jaime Ortega stated that there was a need to "make the necessary changes quickly" because "its delay produces impatience and unease in the people”. Funny thing, that he can spew this about the Cuban government and the social situation while his own organization is unable to accept the same advice. His words might have more impact if they didn’t come from such a hypocritical source. The people of Cuba deserve much better. Sadly any attempt for someone in the Catholic Church to affect any positive change will have no significance until the Vatican cleans up its own nest full of fucking crap.

DATELINE: AWARDS SHOW HELL – Just when it seems that Sandra Bullock’s personal life is being put through the wringer because of her asshole husband, now she has been asked to return her Razzie. The reason for the request? Because she was mistakenly given the first made statue, and it has sentimental value to the creator. Ya know, this woman really is a class act and she deserves better than this, and she certainly doesn’t deserve to have all of this flashed through the news just because she does her job, does it with pride and without being a prima dona. Cut the woman some slack. Now, my personal opinion is that she should take the razzie, shove it up Jesse’s ass and then give it back to the creator, and laugh like hell when he finally clutches his precious hunk of tin, caresses it, lifts it to his lips and kisses it. Of course, she won’t do that, but holy crap, it would be funny.

DATELINE: ON THE HOOK OF A TOW TRUCK – Toyota agreed to pay the $16M fine assessed them for dragging their fucking feet in their responsibility to alert the public about problems with their cars. How did they celebrate? With more fucking recalls. Let the landside of lawyers covered in class action suits commence.

DATELINE: SEARCHING FOR OLD MARIO PUZO BOOKS – US mobster James ‘Whitey’ Bulger is thought to be in British Columbia. On the FBI’s most-wanted list for over 15 years, Whitey is wanted in relation to 19 murders, racketeering; extortion… the list is long. And yet, the information about him reads like an application for an on-line dating service: He loves long strolls on the beach, visiting historical sites, digging through dusty book bins for old volumes. The 80-year-old fugitive is still considered very dangerous, and very valuable. There is a $2M price tag on him from the FBI. Safe money says the price tag is higher back in Boston, where he knows the location of more than his fair share of fucking skeletons that could land a lot more people in the slammer.