DAILY NEWS – APRIL 30th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 30th, 2010

DATELINE: FLORIDA – Rejoice! All ye animals who so live and abide by the laws in the great State of Florida, for finally ye asses might be protected. Welcome, Florida to the wonderful, and apparently long overdue, world of bestiality laws – where the government is in your bedroom AND your barnyard all at the same time, regulating your sex with your livestock (although it seems that dogs are the preferred partner according to statistics, giving that old expression ‘fucking the dog’ a whole new, literal meaning). It’s hard to believe that there hasn’t been a bestiality law in Florida, or 14 other US states, up to now. What exactly were they waiting for? Perhaps those political stumps out to the Okeefenokee weren’t just to glad-hand voters? Even more hard *insert snickering here* to believe is that there IS a need for the law… an incredibly sad and slightly nauseating thought, ain’t it? Senator Nan Rich, in her second… I repeat ‘SECOND’… attempt to get such a bill passed, managed to get this one through. The reason it became an issue again? A man accidently choked his goat to death while having sex with it. (You’re all most welcome for that new euphemism. Feel free to use it.)

DATELINE: BRAZIL – Another Catholic priest has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Father Jose Afonso has been charged with abusing 8 boys between the ages of 12 and 16, going back to 1995, with incidents occurring as recently as this year. Afonso is 74. Calls from the media to the diocese and the National Conference of Brazilian Bishops went unanswered… another step towards co-operation and full disclosure, I suppose, as promised by the Pope. This case comes on the heels of the arrest and detention of Monsignor Luiz Marques Barbosa, who was caught on video tape having sex with a young man who was his former altar boy. The discovery of the video resulted in allegations of the Monsignor abusing at least three young altar boys. Two other priests in Barbosa’s diocese are also facing charges of sexual abuse. And in Chile, a priest was charged with eight cases of sexually abusing minors. One of his victims included his own daughter – so yes, they have managed to now take ‘totally fucking sick’ to new levels. What is totally amazing is that, amidst all the promises and fucking lip service we get from Rome, there is NOTHING being said about any of these men. There is no talk of excommunication or defrocking. It’s like when a priest does it, none of the commandments are really so legal and binding, there is no hellfire and brimstone, like the rest of us poor people who are not so totally blessed from above. That a Monsignor has now been caught, WITH VIDEOTAPE no less, AND that there are two of his priests in his diocese also facing charges, the Pope should be the first one to speak out, to demand the law prosecute vigorously and that the Monsignor should be issued his clerical walking papers instantly. Without some firm, clear action by the Vatican, it’s pretty obvious that they still don’t get it, and that children will still suffer.

DATELINE: CARACAS – ‘Hey, how’s it going? I appeared like I said I would: at midnight. I’m off to Brazil. And very happy to work for Venezuela. We will be victorious!!’ This was the first tweeted message posted by your friend and mine, Hugo Chavez. Yes, that pompous, long-winded and not just slightly crazy asshole has set up a twitter account. Obviously his first post used fewer characters when said in Spanish. Now, you KNOW there has to be a reason for this, and it ain’t because he wants to butt in on any of Sarah Palin’s folksy-charmy schtick. He has totally muzzled the media in his country, preferring to totally control the message locally and globally, which leaves Twitter as about the only means of communication for those few hundreds of thousands who are opposed to the man and his government but can’t do a damned thing about him at the moment. "The opposition thinks it owns the social networking sites. They think Twitter and Facebook belong to them," said Diosdado Cabello, head of the state-run telecommunications regulator. "We're fighting and there are 7 million of us who will have Twitter," Cabello added. Yes, as in all things Hugo, the ulterior motive is nothing more than to stroke his ego and justify his own existence, masturbating the staff of power with a firm hand and a colossal jerk.

DATELINE: DETROIT – Everyone stand and sing with me! Love can build a briiiiiidge, between your heart and mine… Well, maybe not. For starters, it takes one hell of a lot of fucking money to build a bridge, especially one that runs from Windsor, Ontario to Detroit, Michigan, but being loving Canadians we are gonna step in here and get the job done. Well, maybe not, but we are going to loan the money to the people on the south side of the 49th, so we can get the job done. Surprisingly, I am sort of in favor of it, in a way, maybe, but I have a few concerns. First off, many many times we have been, well, fucked over by the US government in NAFTA and WTO issues and that whole ‘Buy American and not anything from Canada’ thing, BUT you know, we’re prepared to look beyond that, because it isn’t just Americans who did the fucking over; undoubtedly we have done some rather dumb-ass things that have pissed all our American friends off as well. It’s sort of like a family with two bratty kids – we argue and we compete and we pout, but when push comes to shove, for the most part we have each other’s backs… well, unless you consider things like the start of WWII, and the war in Vietnam and little things like that. Overall, though, I think we share many of the same dreams and morals and heritage and we don’t want to see the other come to harm. I was rather shocked to see the absolutely violent comments from news readers this issue brought out because there are a whole lot of people with a whole lot of hate out there. Perhaps a bridge in Detroit could be used to bridge the two countries together again – it could happen. Along with the money will come, I hope, a request from the Canadian government that SOME of the materials and SOME of the labor be supplied from this side of the border, and then maybe we can bridge some of those differences, and at the same time, our brother to the south would learn that we are really not a people to fear.

DATELINE: CHINA – There is nothing so heinous as an attack on a child. When the attack involved a knife and 29 kindergarten students, as yesterday's did, there are no words at all. This is what is happening in Beijing, not once, not even twice, but repeatedly – men are walking into classrooms filled with children and slashing as many as they can manage. This morning, although details are still sketchy, a man walked into a school and attacked 8 children with a hammer. The attack on Thursday also injured two teachers and a security guard (six of the children are still in critical condition), and no motive has been given. The man wielding the knife was brought down by a storekeeper and a delivery man who heard the noise and came running in to help; they smacked him with the fire extinguisher. Of course, in typical government double-babble language, which the Chinese government (their propaganda office, they call it, so at least you have to give them points for honesty in fucking advertising) also excels at, they believe this might be a copycat crime, although they are not sure that anyone who has been involved knew about the other attacks. Either way, they believe it’s best to not say much about the attacks to anyone, especially in regard to motive. It is thought that the attacks are because of personal grudges or social pressures because of the rapidly growing economy and the disparity between the rich and poor that accompanies such growth. Some people claim it is the fault of the government and healthcare because of the many untreated cases of mental illness in the country, although none of the attacks so far seem to have much to do with that. An attack on Wednesday left 15 students and one teacher injured, and last month eight children were stabbed to death outside their school. The man accused of that crime was executed yesterday. He claimed that he was upset because his girlfriend jilted him and he was treated badly by her wealthy family. The government line is that these people could be mentally disturbed as well. What I want to know is, what the hell is going on in anyone’s mind that they could possibly think that going into a room of children and killing them does not show you are a man or show you are dangerous. The only thing it does is prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt that the such a person is nothing more than a pathetic waste of plasma.