DAILY NEWS – APRIL 23rd, 2010

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 23rd, 2010

DATELINE: CALIFORNIA – You might want to put down the morning muffin for this one, Sugar-britches. You know the old thing about boys and their toys? It takes a new spin today. 60-year-old Steven Ferrini was arrested for drug possession earlier this month by California Highway Patrol officers, and taken for processing. It was at this time that the arresting officer found wires running around Ferrini’s body, starting at his front pants pocket where he had a small on/off switch. He explained that it was his anal vibrator, and since he could not be thrown into the cell with his funny twitchy thumb up his bum, it was decided that medical personnel would be required to remove it. It’s probably safe to say that the arresting cop was not having a good day. However, while making arrangements for ‘the procedure’, Ferrini started talking about his skills in bomb construction, always a wise brag while in police custody, which caused police officials to reconsider what had to be done. Yes, folks, it could have been that the really hip terrorists might have just created the Ass Bomb. The decision was made that the offices would be evacuated (*insert severe nose-snort snicker here*) and the ‘Explosive Ordinance Disposal’ Team brought in for removal of said possible explosive ordinance – aka Mr. Knobbly Long Finger. Three hours later… yes, it took three fucking hours for them to decide if they should cut the red one or the blue one… Ferrini’s ass was defused. Sorry, but there is just not enough Hazard Pay for this sort of work.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON, DC – While we are on the subject of taking it up the ass, in an interesting and quirky bit of irony, it seems that while the economy and taxpayers were being fucked over by the likes of Goldman Sachs, high-ranking officials at the SEC were busy watching porn on their work computers, some for up to 8 hour a day, downloading it onto their hard drives and burning it onto discs which were also paid for by taxpayers. Inspectors for the SEC conducted 33 probes (yes, we are just totally chock a fucking block full of anal euphemisms today, aren’t we?) 31 of which were done just before the economic crash and burn. Over half of the people found to be spending their time and tax dollars ‘fucking the dog’ were making over $200,000/year. Assholes, spend your own time and your own fucking money to get your jollies. That any of these people would still be allowed to work for the government is absolutely astounding, and not just a little bit sickening.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – And sticking to what is sure to be a successful theme, in the aftermath of the Olympics, and the subsequent presentation of the bill for same, questions have arisen as to the disposition of a huge fucking number of tickets purchased by Crown Corporations, corporations that are funded by we, the taxpayer, yet administered as if they were private entities other than for the fact that those who head those entities all seem to have the typical government ‘let’s fuck the taxpayers up the ass just one more time’ mentalities. In response to a request from opposition members, a list was provided detailing who used the incredibly expensive Olympic tickets at BC Hydro, a fair request, because it would be nice to think that the tickets were used not to take the chairman’s extended family for a fun week on our dime. The list was provided, with EVERY fucking name blacked out ‘for privacy’. This has become the new favorite Canadian government game, apparently at all levels of administration. The evidence regarding torture of prisoners was also issued on totally black pages. Not to worry, though, because Mary McNeil, the minister for the Olympic games has said that all government-purchased tickets will have the user disclosed in an upcoming report, and then thought she adeptly tap-danced her fucking way around the whole issue of the crown corporation ones, brushing it off with the explanation that the crown corporations have their own process and requirements to report the information to, and their own boards to receive that information. That would be code for ‘Yes, we are going to sit back and watch the show, make the popcorn and prepare the Boom-chacka-chacka music for the repeated fucking of the taxpayers once again. Have a nice day.’

DATELINE: SAUDI ARABIA – I totally accept that different cultures have different customs and beliefs, but no matter how the hell you try to explain this, it still comes out as fucking sick. Parents of an 11-year-old girl had her married last year, for a dowry of $23,350.00 to the father’s 80-year-old cousin. How in the name of all that is fucking holy can anyone think this is okay? They sold their CHILD, essentially prostituting her. This week, the girl was finally able, through what has to be an incredibly awesome (I also imagine him to be rather hawt) lawyer with the Human Rights Commission, to divorce her husband. Her family agreed that a settlement could be reached privately, without court involvement. While some clerics there would argue that the Prophet Muhammad set the precedent for child brides, it is unlikely, back in the time of Muhammad, that women lived much beyond the age of 40, so they probably had to get an early start. Congratulations to the girl, both for her new-found freedom, and for making the Saudi government take notice that perhaps their laws regarding minimum marriage ages should be reviewed. Duh! Look, if you have to marry them off, find a couple of Larry King’s for them – you know, one foot in the grave and pockets heavily laden with gold they might stand to inherit in no time at all.

DATELINE: INDIANA – Flying directly in the old adage ‘happy as a pig in shit’, police in Albion, Indiana found a wanted suspect buried up to his neck in a liquid manure pit. They had been searching for him regarding drug charges (qu’elle surprise!) when they found him hiding in a mixture of hog and dog shit (apparently big fucking dogs). The suspect was pulled from the shit and taken to hospital for treatment of hypothermia, I am sure crowning off a perfectly lovely day for some paramedics and nurses, who found themselves cleaning shit for hours after the fact.

DATELINE: POPE BENEDICT’S HELL – Yes, they are falling like fucking chess pieces, and I have to blame those promiscuous women that cause the earthquakes. First a German bishop, then an Irish bishop, a Belgian bishop have all resigned this week. "When I was still a simple priest and for a while when I began as a bishop, I sexually abused a young man in my close entourage," the bishop of Bruges, Roger Vangheluwe, said in a statement at a news conference in Brussels. Two more Irish bishops are waiting in the wings, their letters already submitted and just waiting for the Pope to accept. Well, Whoop-de-fucking-do! To accept their resignations, to see them fade off into the evening, their pensions secured, to live a life of idyllic peace in the country is a load of fucking papal crap. Not until criminal charges are laid, until proper civil legal process is started, will there be anything close to a fucking resolution to this. Please quit insulting us and just stop victimizing the victims further and do what you know is the right thing to do.