DAILY NEWS – APRIL 26th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – APRIL 26th, 2010

DATELINE: LAND OF THE GIANT PRICK – Men, I have bad news for you. If you want to be a cop or in the military, AND you want to do so in Papua, AND you have had a penis enlargement, you are shit outta luck. The reason is because, and I was very surprised to read this, but IF you have had a penis enlargement procedure done, it could interfere with your ability to go through physical training. This ‘hindrance’ could cause you to trip, could cause you to get high-centered when climbing over a fence or under those icky meshy things they use to train soldiers, or could catapult the said trainee into danger, or a bramble patch. How is this possible? Well, I asked myself the same fucking question, because, let’s face it, the crap that those snake oil companies sell on the back pages of magazines really would not cause this to be an issue, and if you have had a surgical procedure, unless they harvested the new parts from an elephant, none of this should be an problem, right? Wrong! Because in Papua, they attach massive 3’ long gourds to their penises to make them more impressive to the girls. Honestly, I would think it scares the living crap outta them, but what do I know? They have also been known to wrap their penises in ‘itchy’ leaves to make it swell, and to attach little curly gourds that allow the men to pee AND irrigate the lint out of their belly buttons all at the same time. I have two questions though: one, how the hell does one design a uniform to accommodate the gourded penis, and two, why the fuck is this news?

DATELINE: TEXAS – We knew it was only a matter of time, didn’t we? Yes, George Bush’s book Decision Points will be going on sale in November, and I am all atwitter. It’s not that I really give a shit about what he has to say, nor that I would be caught fucking dead paying good money for that crap, BUT you have to admit that with the magic that man does to the English language, the book has to have more than a couple Giggle Points. Poor old Daniel Webster would be crying if he could see the words that would be popping up in the Ex-Pres’ tome. His collection of words of wisdomology is not meant to be a traditional memoire, but like damned near every one of his speeches, will offer ‘never-before-heard’ details of his presidency, expounded with the use of such gems as nucular weaponry, and how we all misunderestimated him, so he can ‘kind of catapult the propaganda’. We need to hear more about how OB-GYN’s aren’t practicing their love on their patients enough, how he congratulated people having to work three jobs, how he was the decider. Yup, Georgie, you done one hell of a job. It should be noted though, that Bush has spent every day since he left office working on his book, and that his wife, former First Lady Laura, has as well. Her book will be hitting the stands in May, proof that it IS faster to write a book when the spellchecker isn’t exploding from overuse all the time.

DATELINE: HOPEFULLY UNDER A CLOAKING SHIELD -- It’s official. If we needed a reason to stop the NASA space program, we have one now. Noted uber-genius astrophysicist Stephen Hawkings has warned us that yes, there is every likelihood to be intelligent life forms in space, and no, we do not want them here. They could come, pillage, plunder, abuse us, use us and leave us with nothing. We would become the intergalactic equivalent of trailer trash, fodder for down and out country music singers and almost entertaining sitcoms. So, I suggest we should start to gather up an offering for them – something along the lines of a worm, a turtle, George Bush’s book, and a case of Lemon Gin, all to be delivered by Sarah Palin. That way, we remove any doubt that there is NOTHING here that they would want to waste their time with.

DATELINE: NEW YORK – In a new and totally vile spin on the Good Samaritan story, a homeless man, Hugo Alfredo Yale-Tax, went to the assistance of a woman being attacked on the streets of New York. Because of his actions, the woman got away, however Hugo ended up stabbed and severely injured. For 90 minutes, the man lay on the sidewalk, screaming for help, reaching to passers-by, some of whom looked at him, many who did not, one who stopped to take a fucking picture with his cellphone, and one who stopped to shake the injured man, then moved on. Not one of them bothered to phone for help. Not one of them stopped to offer any assistance at all. This man gave his life to help his fellow human being. What a shame that no one could even consider doing him the same kindness. You should all be totally fucking ashamed of yourselves.

DATELINE: A MAYBERRY WANNA-BE – The town of Kure Beach, North Carolina, has decided that thongs shall not be allowed on their beaches. They claim they want to create a ‘Mayberry’ feeling to their town, shunning promiscuity and nudity. (I suspect though, it’s a cautionary attempt to ward off any earthquakes) I guess this is another town I will have to cross off my ‘places to see’ list, because I will NOT be arrested by some winey wimpy Barney Fife simply for my footwear. Surely the town has better things to spend their time and money on, like demanding that all kids run around barefoot and whistling annoying fucking tunes.
**okay, I know they weren't talking footwear, but seriously, the issue is still totally fucking asinine**

DATELINE: KABUL – It takes some special kind of men to poison an entire girl’s school. Yes, promoting the case for men’s superiority and intelligence, they were so fucking threatened by some girls going to school that they had to poison the works of them… in THREE schools. I have no doubt that some great deity who’s words were totally fucking bastardized is behind this, because we all know that those fucking deities screamed constantly about the dangers of women using the brains issued by said deity. How about we try this for a change, guys? Man the fuck up, and allow the women to learn. You might be surprised at what we can accomplish, and accomplish it one hell of a lot faster, easier, more efficiently AND without all the fucking posing and pandering for praise. Thankfully for the young ladies in this case, none were seriously sick. The attempt was fucking pathetic attempt to scare them away from schools. It is to be hoped that the girls find a way to rise above this bullshit oppression to one day kick some hairy fucking asses around the block.

DATELINE: PRICKSVILLE – Roman Polanski’s lawyer claims that the US wants to see his client brought home ‘in shackles’. Actually, the suggestion has merit, as a starting point. We could follow that up with testicle clamps, all before hanging him from the ceiling only by his penis while piling lead weights around his navel, just to get the full benefit of the procedure. When the hell is this guy gonna get it. He is nothing more than a colossal fucking chicken shit child rapist who deserves to spend the rest of his life in a fucking prison where HE could be the little boy toy of some 6’8” 320-pound Hell’s Angel named Baby. Now THAT would be justice served.