Friday, April 23, 2010

IT'S ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY!!!! WOO HOOO!!!



DAILY NEWS - APRIL 24th, 2010

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD
– Michael Avmen, an actor who had tickets to attend the Academy Awards, is suing them for $50M. It seems that his tickets got lost in the ‘beautiful people’ confusion that goes with the gala event, and he and his wife ended up sitting in a back room, held by security people for six hours, where they were interrogated about how they managed to get onto the red carpet and accused of trespassing. At that time, they were picked up by police who took them back to the police office where no charges were laid and the police apologized profusely for the clusterfuck. Now, they did have tentative confirmation that they had tickets, and there was an Oscars limo sent to pick them up at the hotel to bring them to the ‘beautiful people’ gala, but that fact was lost. I don’t blame Avmen for being incredibly pissed off. What I have a problem with is this… he was detained in the back room of ‘the beautiful people’s’ fucking gala. It was not Abu Ghraib, nor was it Alcatraz… and yet they are suing for being “injured in health, strength and activity” They claim they “sustained injury to his and her body and shock and injury to their nervous system” and have since suffered with “humiliation, mental anguish and emotional and physical distress.” While I applaud them for taking a stand against the wrong that was done to them, all my sympathy went totally down the crapper when they turned this into the ‘let’s fuck the beautiful people so that we can become them’. $1M is reasonable. $50M is just totally fucking insulting to anyone who has ever had to deal with real fucking stress in their lives.

DATELINE: VULCAN – He was boldly going where not too many men have gone before, and for a reason. Leonard Nimoy, Mister Spock of Star Trek fame, paid a visit to the town of Vulcan, Alberta, a little town somewhere between The North Pole and the US border. The town has idolized the famous Vulcan for decades. This was huge fucking news… for the people in Vulcan. They finally had someone to pose for them beside their Starship Enterprise Roadside Attraction.

DATELINE: SEEKING NEW CIVILIZATION – Don’t worry; I will not be carrying this theme all the way through the blog. With the announcement that Michealle Jean will not accept another term as Governor General of Canada, there is much conjecture about who will assume the throne. The position is one of mostly ceremonial purpose – the Queen’s representative on this side of the ocean, and seriously, we all know how demanding THAT job is. So, who better to fill this all-important high-profile position than William Shatner? Yes, Captain James T Kirk, that curt-talking hand-flapping shining star on the Canadian big screen. I can’t wait for his first sit down with the Queen and Prince Phillip-My-Mouth-With-My-Foot.

DATELINE: RIVERDALE – Archie and Jughead have a new friend arriving in town, and he is gonna be totally irresistible to Veronica. Now, I always thought that she was a bit of a tramp and a rich snooty bitch, but she is about to meet her match, because the Kevin Keller is more interested in what’s in Reggie’s trousers. The introduction of the openly gay character to the comic book is meant to keep Archie and his gang current with the rest of the world. I can’t wait until those right-wing bible-thumping lovers of all that is free and democratic learn about this and start their campaign to get them banned from town libraries and schools. I hope Sarah Palin is at the helm, because then she might have a chance to see some real literature.

DATELINE: SWITZERLAND – A US court has ordered that Roman Polanski will not be tried in absentia. Switzerland still has not decided if they will extradite him or not, BUT it would be really wonderful if people accepted that while this prick might be a movie director with an award or two, HIS IS STILL A FUCKING CRIMINAL AWAITING SENTENCING. He is a fugitive, a fucking coward that did absolutely cruel, unspeakable things to a little girl, and then ran off to hide. His celebrity doesn’t count worth shit. He should be sent back to the US, and he should spend the rest of his pathetic fucking life in prison.


DATELINE: IN BILL CLINTON’S FOOTSTEPS – John Edwards is being called to testify under oath before a federal grand jury regarding his relationship with mistress Rielle Hunter and the funds used to keep her in the custom to which she seems to have become used. The apparently very busy Hunter has not been able to squeeze any of the last five deposition appointments into her schedule – could be those Oprah interviews and GQ photos she is tied up with, all the time screaming that her privacy is being invaded. Simply put, Edwards is nothing more than a feckless fucking sleaze, and Hunter is his bootycall, and nothing more. Sadly, I suspect that Edwards will claim though, that he will not be able to pretend, using his ailing wife as his excuse and hoping for the double play sympathy hit/good guy photo op. It’s just the kind of asshole he seems to be.

DATELINE: THE BEDROOMS OF THE NATION – Okay, everyone – strip, get in the sack and get busy! Doctor Oz says that we need more sex, and who the hell is gonna argue with them. He admits that it seems that women get short-changed, the short end of the stick, the … okay, I will stop with that. Here’s the thing: he says that if we increase from one night a week to two times a week, we could live three years longer. This is fucking perfect. Okay, ladies, make sure the bank account is secure, throw hubby into the goose pasture for the duration, spend your evenings with Big Blue the Silicone Stud (to increase your life expectancy, of course) and you will be raking in the moolah a few years earlier. I wonder if Larry King’s wife knew about this?

2 comments:

  1. Dear Dr. Oz,

    FROM once/week? I can't even get once/week. I suppose those of us with kids will have to die at an earlier age.

    Sincerely,
    TurkeyLurkey

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dr Oz,
    You're an ass..unless you plan on servicing each of us to keep us healthy..keep your opinions to yourself or at least supply the batteries..yanno, write it off as a health expense.

    Sincerely,

    Wants to be healthy

    ReplyDelete