DAILY NEWS - APRIL 15th, 2010

DAILY NEWS -- APRIL 15th, 2010

DATELINE: MALTA – It will be like a whole country will be flipping the bird at the Pope when he arrives at Malta Airport this weekend. In preparation for the arrival of the Holy Father, the Mayor of Malta has asked that the ‘vulgar’ and ‘embarrassing’ structure be removed. However, the piece of art, titled Colonna Mediterranea, is actually within the town of Luqa. Artist Paul Vella Critien replied, saying that his critics were ‘ignorant’ and ‘uneducated’ and explained that his work is not a ‘phallic’ symbol but rather a representation of an ancient Egyptian symbol. The incident is causing some distress in what is, according to the Mayor of Malta at least, ‘considered to be the most Catholic country in the world’. So, right now I am not sure that’s something you want to brag about, BUT I cannot imagine why a piece of art on display for the whole community to see is NOT something worthy of the eyes of the Pope? And the fact that it looks like a giant blue penis… well, sorry, but the irony is just to fucking wonderful. Mr. Mayor, take a fucking chill pill. I love the damned erection (yes, the word my mother uses for things that are erected, and I totally love her for it!), and I think every airport should have one.

DATELINE: THE BOOKSHELF – The American Library Association has released its new list of the most ‘challenged’ books of the year. This would be the list of books that has drawn the most concerns and complaints from parents and educators, resulting in formal letters requesting the removal of the book because of content or language or inappropriateness. The list is also the perpetual home of the titles ‘Catcher in the Rye’, To Kill a Mockingbird, and The Color Purple. This year, joining Salinger is Stephanie Meyer with her Twilight series, primarily because of the sexual content. The Harry Potter books were previously on the list, because of the very vocal objections of the Catholic Church about books forwarding the agenda of wizardry. Now, while this all seems like a whole lot of tight-ass bullshit spewed by adults who apparently are not ‘getting enough’, the truly sad fact is that while the number of challenges is down to 460 this year as opposed to 513 last year, 81 books have actually been removed from shelves because of these complaints. So much for freedom of expression and the end of literary censorship.

DATELINE: PULITZER PRIZE LAND – An Associated Press investigation has turned up a litany of paedophile priests who had been moved by the church to other countries to avoid prosecution. The list is long, involving 21 countries, and paints an incredibly disturbing picture of the lengths to which the church stooped. These priests, the ones that AP was able to identify, were sent abroad where many of them had access to children and some are known to have reoffended. In some cases the church claims they believe the priests were ‘cured’ – how’s that for divine intervention. In many cases, church officials believed the priest when he said he was innocent, despite police findings, criminal charges, statements of multiple victims, whatever it seemed to take to excuse the inexcusable and protect the church under any circumstances. Of course, we know that the lies will continue with Vatican officials responding to this new story as gossip, persecution, unsubstantiated… I can hardly wait to hear the crap they will spew this time.

DATELINE: MONMOUTH, NJ – Ya just gotta suspect a guy has something to hide when, while sitting in the back of a police car, he manages to pull his handcuffed wrists under his ass so they were in front of him, kicks out the side window of the back door and takes off… while chewing off his own fingertips! Yes, it’s the new do-it-yourself fingerprint prevention kit. He was pulled over and his car was being searched by sniffer dogs when he did this incredibly act of almost magic. I am guessing he suspected the cops would find something, cause it would really be a sucky ending if he went through all that for nothing. Talk about playing it cool! Kids… lesson for the day: it is highly unlikely that you will be able to chew your fingerprints off while in cuffs and running. You would have to run one hell of a long time. Where’s that fucking chainsaw when you can really use it?

DATELINE: SOUTH CAROLINA – Turn down yer fucking music, or you might get whacked in the head with a snake. Yup, that’s how they do it in South Carolina. Tony Smith, annoyed about the music volume, argued with his motel neighbor and several hours later walked up to Mister Loud Music and hit him across the face with a 4-foot python. Nothing says ‘I am pissed off’ like sacrificing you pet snake for the sake of an hours-old inconvenience.