Tuesday, March 30, 2010

DAILY NEWS -- MARCH 30th, 2010

DAILY NEWS -- MARCH 30th, 2010

– In a display of unbelievable juvenile behavior, Jim Playfair, coach of the Abbotsford Heat, went totally fucking ballistic during a game on Saturday night. Yes, this supposed athlete, this supposed professional, got annoyed at a call against one of his players. His reaction? He shattered not one, but two hockey sticks by smashing them against the wall. He even ripped off his fucking jacket, a la The Incredible Hulk, just to remove any doubt that he meant business. Ohhhhh, we are soooo impressed with that display of stupid fucking masculine control. He got fined – no apology, no shame, no worries, because he is a professional. Sorry, but the jack ass should be banned from stepping foot into a fucking hockey arena for the rest of his life. The fact that no one seems to have any fucking perspective on the fact that THIS IS A GAME, not life or death, astounds me. The outcome of a fucking hockey game does not stop terrorists from bombing a Russian subway, it does not save a child from cancer, it does not provide houses for people in Haiti, it does not do anything but apparently provide a grossly over-paid excuse for bad fucking behavior. Mr. Playfair, grow the hell up and act like a man. Sadly, with the support of people like the Abbotsford mayor and the local media, this will do nothing but up the attendance figures for future games. Our society is sick, and getting sicker every day.

DATELINE: EDMONTON – Two years ago, a toddler was sitting eating dinner at the table in her Grandmother’s house when a bullet ripped through the wall, hit her liver and lodged in her spine, where it still is today, and where it will remain for the rest of her life because of the dangers involved with removing it. The person pulling the trigger? An 18-year-old who claimed to be on a month-long high and drunk after getting his $40,000 royalty cheque from the Samson Cree First Nation, and who thought he was opening up on the home of a rival gang member. Yes, this is nothing more than a kid who instantly squanders his money, which is his business, and then uses that as an excuse to totally fuck up other innocent lives. However, that is not the only crime that has me totally steamed: the ass-hat judge decided that the shooting was worthy of a five-year prison term, but the robbery this idiot also committed was worth a six-year sentence. Yes, the smoke, booze, television set or whatever the hell else this little gangster thug stole was worth MORE than the life and well-being of a two-year-old little girl. The judge also awarded four years’ credit to be applied to the sentence because of the two years spent in custody awaiting trial. This, along with the federal parole system kicking in after one-third of a sentence is served, means he could potentially be back out on the streets in… wait for it… about four months. Yes, the justice system totally fucking blows.

DATELINE: CALIFORNIA – “I’m a fortunate gay man.” Sounds like the lyrics for a fucking country and western song, but no, it’s the proclamation of singer Ricky Martin, who has decided it is 'his time' to come out of the closet. The reason for his declaration? Well, duh! He is writing a book, and damn, this is gonna help that puppy fly off the fucking shelves. Really, I hate to be the one to say this, but first, this is no surprise, and second, who gives a shit? Again, I am left asking ‘why is this on my fucking news?’

DATELINE: MICHIGAN – The Hutaree, a group of God-fearing Christian Warriors, hatched up a plan to rid the country of a ‘one-world government’ intent on thrusting too many restrictions on Americans who love liberty. (The irony of this position though, astounds me... the democratically-elected government needs to be brought down by militant thugs who plan to enforce their own definition of liberty and freedom) They will be experiencing a whole new definition of 'liberty loving', at least the nine of them who were plotting to kill a police officer, and then use the funeral for that officer as an opportunity to carry out a terrorist attack on the officers and people attending. It takes a pretty sick fucking person to plan something like this. It takes a whole hell of a lot of hate and intolerance. The fact that this is done in the name of religious duty is even more distressing. Please, someone, find me one incidence of any God demanding that we run out and kill each other, because I don’t believe one of those Gods exists. The spirituality of God is being totally desicrated by the religions of man, and that is the ultimate crime. That we have become so hateful, that we have learned nothing from the experiences of the past, is easily the saddest fucking testament to human kind. So, Ann Coulter, tell me how you propose we keep these people out of society, because these ones didn’t come with flying carpets or camels, just a whole lot of religious fucking rhetoric, fear mongering and hatred, just like that crap you like to spew.

DATELINE: MASSACHUSETTS – In a case that is incredibly disturbing, nine teenagers have been charged with being complicit in the suicide death of 15-year-old Phoebe Prince in January. Prince endured being raped, stalked, harassed, and tormented constantly, both on-line and in person, at the hands of her classmates. School officials, though aware of the problem and despite the fact that most of the harassment occurred on school property during school hours, did nothing. Why they are not being held accountable is beyond me, because its time the bullying was truly dealt with. Six of the teens (four girls) face a long string of offences, including statutory rape and assault. Three girls face delinquency charges, because I guess they were just the protégés. A beautiful young woman, newly arrived in the country, lost her life because of God only knows what burr that happened to be up the asses of some other students. The fact that nothing was done to stop this is appalling. The fact that we live in a society that offers such an unbelievable sense of entitlement to a group of teenagers, that they have the right to prevent someone from attending school or living a life and can prevent it by any means possible, in deplorable. Mr. Playfair of hockey coach temper-tantrum fame should be getting outraged about this sort of thing – not a fucking game. Sarah Palin should be talking about these issues of intolerance and hatred, not drawing crosshairs on the homes of those politically opposed to her and adding to the rage, blame and bullshit. Ann Coulter should be talking about outrage in THIS issue, and not propagating more hate and intollerance by telling people that Muslims should be banned from commercial flights, and anyone other than white Christians have a right to thrive and survive. I suppose though, the haughty sense of privilege demonstrated by our politicians, athletes, the clergy and those in the celebrity world, what the hell else should we expect. My heart goes out to Phoebe's family, and to all those other students and their families who are still daily living this nightmare.

Sunday, March 28, 2010


DAILY NEWS -- MARCH 28th, 2010

– Just because we don’t have enough gigantic boobs in the entertainment business... Heidi Montag is thrilled to be finished with The Hills (though not nearly as much as the general public seems to be), the reality show that ‘shot her to fame' and is ready to embrace a 'real' acting career. The role she is targeting first? A lifeguard named Summer, in a script she wrote for herself! Wow, a writer AND a reality star all rolled into one? And what might this role entail? This marvelous role she created for herself? “I am making the first 3-D beach comedy about a shark that attacks a small beach town and I save the day with my 3-D boobs,” Montag says. “I’ve even written a role for Dolly Parton to play the town mayor!” Yes, people, THIS is the crap of which we need more. A little primer for you… this is the 23-year-old bimbette who, after having MULTIPLE cosmetic procedures, including her lips, her nose, her boobs, (she claims to have had ten procedures done in one day) to the point where she claims to be obsessed about having MORE and she just can’t decide what to do, THEN went on to ‘acting fame’ in a short campaign ad done by Ron Howard – the subject of which was “Heidi Montag Says No To Plastic’. Thankfully they were talking about plastic money, although they could probably not get a better spokesperson to talk about plastic. This whole thing raises one question: Seriously, is this bimbo the role model you want for YOUR daughters? Her 15 minutes of fame has been way to long. Let’s have her move over and have someone REAL take her fucking place, please.

DATELINE: LONDON – Thirty years after the fact, ABBA is now hinting at a comeback concert, a one-time event that could be screened globally. I can’t fucking wait for a chance to pull out my skin-tight Dancing Queen suit with the leggings! (Okay, I know I'll need the shoehorn and a couple gallons of axel grease to get back in the fucking outfit, but what the hell) They had previously turned down $1B to do a 2000 tour, saying that none of them really needs the money, and they would rather be remembered as they were back in the day. Guess as their age, they had forgotten that.

DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD – Yet another woman, this one a ‘beautiful model and businesswoman’ has stepped forward with information about her three-year affair with Jesse James. This one has emails, photos and text-messages to back up her claims, including some that show where James was while his wife, the lovely Sandra Bullock, was accepting rewards for her role in The Blind Side… no fucking irony there, huh? My suggestion, although this really is not any of our fucking business, is that Mr. James have his wrists duct taped behind his backbefore locking him in a room with Sandra and all of his fun little ‘chopper’ tools and toys. It’s a sure-fire way to get a man to keep his fucking penis under control… if he abuses it, he loses it… really fucking simple.

DATELINE: SEATTLE -- "American Idol" star Sanjaya Malakar was caught speeding 110 mph on Interstate 405 outside of Seattle at Kirkland. It was at 2:30 in the morning. There were no other cars around. He got a $422 ticket. Why the hell is this considered news? Was it stupid to do? Yes. Does it show that incredible ‘celebrity’ sense of entitlement? Absolutely, but so does almost everything else on the Artsy Fartsy Fluff Crap day. News should be for fucking NEWS, people, or perhaps we should all call the fucking papers each time WE get a ticket from a cop.

DATELINE: CALIFORNIA – Tubes of skin whitener were found in Michael Jackson’s closet. I will give you a moment to all gasp and then collect yourselves, because I know this shit is totally fucking shocking. Details of the search warrants executed on his homes have become public so the list of the drugs and paraphernalia used to administer them by his nutcase doctor are also being released. Of course, we have no idea if Wacko Jacko needed the damned creams or not, but in all probability, it’s none of our fucking business. What is our business is that he was a singer, a guy with a voice and some moves, and who is now dead totally because of the asinine choices he made in his life because he was a guy with a voice and some moves who made piss pots full of fucking money. Let the man sleep. His hell is supposed to be over.

DATELINE: ROME – Yes, it’s fluff crap, although not artsy fartsy (...yet, although I have no fucking doubt that part is coming). As the Pope kicked off Holy Week, he included in his sermon a line about how people need to allow faith to guide them "toward the courage that doesn't let us be intimidated by the chatting of dominant opinions, towards patience that supports others." Excuse me while i puke. I can’t help but wonder if this is his way of praying for more fucking time to set up smoke and mirrors and more shiny crap to distract the sheep while he continues to fleece them.

DATELINE: HEAVEN!! – Finally some news worth screaming from the rooftops…Russell Crowe in tights AND a short skirt again is definitely a winner, because we have seen from Gladiator, he has the legs to pull it off! His newest movie, Robin Hood, will be opening at Cannes on May 12, and worldwide on May 14. The only thing that could make this movie potentially better in the drool department would be if Antonio Banderas was playing the Sheriff of Nothingham… a mean and nasty-canasty type of role to be sure, but with Banderas playing it, the villain would be totally lickable... oops... I mean likeable. *blushes*

Friday, March 26, 2010

DAILY NEWS – March 26th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – March 26th, 2010

– Amid a flurry of threats and foul language directed at politicians who voted for the new Health Care bill, enter Sarah Palin. Totally blowing her ‘Mom’ image to absolute holy crap, she tweeted for those annoyed with the decision to check out her website, which offers a map with democratic strongholds marked with the cross-hairs of a gun. I am so fucking glad that someone who wanted to lead the champion of democratic and tolerant countries is showing her true fucking colors, that redneck acid vomit eating away at her phony façade. I can just imagine how she would handle with any other country she might be asked to deal with… other than Russia of course; she knows them… she can see them from her fucking window. Thank you, Sarah Palin, for adding to the fucking hatred, intolerance and quest for violence that this world so desperately needs.

DATELINE: CALGARY – Speaking of totally fucking crazy vitriolic witches, Ann Coulter has promised she is determined to ‘help save good Canadians’ from ‘crazy liberals’. "I'm more determined than ever to turn pretty much from Calgary through the west into the 51st state now. We got to save the good Canadians." You want to save us? Get the hell out of our country and finish fucking up your own first. Take your hate-filled bullshit babble and your incredibly not-funny-at-all attempts at humor, and go spend your time with Sarah Palin. In fact, why don’t the two of you fucking bimbos scoop up Glen Beck, find yourselves an island and knock yourself out enjoying your perfect world with the only three perfect people on it, cause god knows none of the rest of us are even good enough to share your air. Either way, shut up and get out… and yes, this is MY example of free speech. Bite me.

DATELINE: VENUZUELA – Ohhhh, I have a brilliant idea! Ann Coulter needs a one-way ticket to Caracas, where she can spend her days learning the true meaning of censorship and freedom of speech. The president of the last privately-owned television news station to be critical of Hugo Chavez has been arrested. Now, if the person speaking was spouting the same crap that Coulter likes, it would be understandable, but Chavez simply won’t let anyone say anything that he doesn’t previously approve. So much for democracy.

DATELINE: NEVADA – Searchlight, the home of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, is the starting point for the next gathering of the Tea Party, again with Sarah Palin at the helm. While I admire a group of people exercising their right to state their case, their choice of speaker again destroys their credibility and turns them into nothing more than a rude mob. Why is it so hard for people to understand? Yes, we desperately need political change. Yes, there is a right way to go about it and all this other crap, the targets, the name calling, the hatred spewing from the lips of rabid women, is NOT the way to do it, because that is nothing more than partisan sour grapes. The Tea Party had an opportunity to make a difference. Now they will be nothing more than another hindrance to the process, muddying already septic water.

DATELINE: AUSTRALIA – In a remarkable paleontological discovery, an ancestor of the Tyrannosaurus Rex has been unearthed. This is significant, because it is the first time any remains of a Tyrannosaur have been discovered south of the equator. It also shows that the Tyrannosauroids were around in the early Cretaceous. The new fossil is much smaller than the T Rex’s we know from movies, but they had more teeth and the same body structure. The preceding announcement was brought to you by someone other than me because it was totally inoffensive and bordered on educational. I apologize for this, but there are times when you just have to post something to keep the grubs happy.

DATELINE: ROME – while protesters were arrested for assembling outside of the Vatican, spokesmen for the Pope still insisted that Benedict had no involvement in anything having to do with the sexual assault scandals plaguing the church right now. This, despite the fact that documents have now surfaced that clearly indicate he was aware and was more concerned with preventing a scandal for the church than he was about providing justice for the victims. A priest who sexually assaulted children IN THE CONFESSIONAL for God’s sake… during what is supposed to be considered a Sacrament of the Church, a holy cleansing, and these children, many of them disabled, had to endure indescribable hell at the hands of a man of the cloth, and this priest appealed to Cardinal Ratzinger to stop any investigation into what he had done to allow him ‘to die with priestly dignity’. It is to be hoped there is a special hell for these men and those who enabled and condoned what they did, and something tells me it will look like a fucking Vatican homecoming party.
This morning, it is reported that documentation has also come to light it Germany indicating Cardinal Ratzinger did attend a meeting regarding the relocation of Father Hullerman to Bavaria. The documentation is clear, without actually stating that the priest was sexually assaulting the boys in his care, that Hullerman needed to not have access to young boys, that he needed treatment and counseling, going so far as to state that the priest’s talents could be put to use in ‘a girl’s school’, however the movement of him to the new diocese resulted in him heading right back into dealing with, and sexually assaulting even more children until the police were informed and arrested the man six years later. Yes, the church knowingly allowed this man to continue to destroy lives for an additional six years. Apparently, because there is no commandment that states Thou Shalt Not Sexually Assault Children, it is an issue that does not need to be addressed. Excuse me while I go find the fucking commandment that says it is fine to oppress women and condemn gay people.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

DAILY NEWS -- March 25th, 2010

DAILY NEWS -- March 25th, 2010

– LMFAO!! This will be classic if it wasn't so fucking pathetic. Bush does the Bill Brush-Off. Put two former presidents together in a crowd, have them shake hands with the locals, and then sit back and laugh. If it was not evident before, no one can now argue that George W Bush is either a certifiable jerk or a certifiable fucking lunatic. Shaking hands with one local, he frowned, held his hand as if it had just made contact with radioactive fucking isotopes, and then, in the stealth move of the century, leaned over and wiped his hand on Bill Clinton’s shirt sleeve, sorta like some bratty kid that just reached for a handful of crap and didn’t like the mess. Nothing says ‘Yes, I am here to be one of you and to help you overcome… you dirty icky much-lower-than-I-am people’. The award for the most childish insult of the political day goes, hands down, to George Bush.

DATELINE: NETHERLANDS -- The owner of a small coffee shop was sentenced to 16 weeks in jail and a $13.3M fine… yes, that would be $13,000,000.00… for selling cannabis from his shop. At one point, he had 15 employees to serve over 3000 fucking patrons a day. 3000 patrons at a coffee shop every day, enough to cause the town to put up street signs to the place and install extra parking lots for it, and no one twigged on why? While it is legal to have marijuana there, in amounts up to 18 ounces, on several occasions the police, while raiding the place, found in excess of 440 pounds of weed tucked away there. Because the police did not take action the first couple of times, the fine was reduced from the expected almost $35M fine – because the police played a role in the operation.

DATELINE: ROME – How the hell much longer is Pope Benedict going to continue this game of misleading the public? When the hell is he going to do what he commands of all his fucking flock – confess and do the penance? More importantly, though, how many more hundreds of people have to suffer at the hands of this bible-thumping lunatic? He was the fucking leader of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith for twenty years before being Pope – he was the fucking ‘enforcer’, the ‘big man’ who kept all the other cardinals, bishops and priests in check, and he was ruthless about issues like birth control. Apparently, though, sexually assaulting children is something not worthy of a response or reaction from him. Today, evidence surfaced from two archbishops who contacted the then Cardinal Ratzinger about a paedophile priest who was sexually assaulting the deaf boys he was responsible for, so YES, the fucking asshole KNEW what was going on. The priest was moved to a different parish, able to still have contact with children, able to still carry on with his perverted needs. When a canonical trial was finally arranged, the priest contacted Ratzinger and requested that the hearing be stopped, because he was ill and wanted to live the remainder of his life ‘in the dignity of (his) priesthood’. What about the dignity of the more than 200 boys this man raped and molested? What about the remainder of their lives spent with this hanging over them? There is no fucking way in hell that Ratzinger, in his former key role at the Vatican, knew nothing about all these cases. The man had a fucking underground information system that could put the KGB to shame, and yet, even now, the fucking assholes who surround him call this an ‘ignoble attempt’ to discredit the Pope? Jesus H Christ on a cracker, we don’t need to do that. Everything the man does, everything the man says, only makes the situation worse. He treats the catholic world like we are a bunch of stupid fucking hicks, that our lives are worth less than the rat shit on his shoes. The man discredits himself, his office, and his entire faith with his handling of this. Do what’s right, ease your burdens – its time you live your fucking faith and come clean, and give some of these thousands of victims at least a little bit of the rest they deserve.

DATELINE: OTTAWA – Ann Coulter has said she will file a complaint with the Canadian Human Rights Commission because of the way she was treated prior to her planned speech at the University of Ottawa. Excuse me while I piss myself laughing. Yes, she feels her human rights were infringed when a provost for the university sent an email to Coulter to remind her that she should remember that in Canada, we have hate laws. It is illegal here to make the types of hateful and ignorant comments that seem to spew out of Coulter’s mouth like ants out of a dead elephant’s asshole. It was a friendly reminder, warning her that yes, we have laws and so be aware of that. Apparently Coulter took exception. Perhaps that means she will fucking bless us with never coming across to our fucking side of the border again. Nothing like pissing away more of our money on nothing.

DATELINE: VICTORIA – Once again, a cell phone captured police beating on people. Yes, it was late at night outside a bar, and yes, there were a lot of people there, but the footage shows two officers restraining a ‘drunk’ on the ground while a third police officer strolls up to the scene and starts to kick the suspect on the ground several times. He then walks over to another ‘suspect’, this one already sitting on the ground and bleeding from the face. A second cop turns the suspect over to handcuff him, and Officer I-Like-To-Kick-The-Shit-Outta-People walks over to them and kicks the suspect in the kidneys. Victoria Police Chief Jamie Graham’s response – his officers are not going to get hurt dealing with drunks, they deal with them every night, so apparently its fine when they do this crap because it’s the city’s fault for having so many drunks. Me thinks that Chief Graham is vying for a position at the Vatican, because he is almost as good as making up lame ass excuses for the terrible behaviour of his police officers.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – Convicted murder Clifford Olson is out of jail today, on a ‘medical pass’, a day after it was revealed that he has been receiving $14,000 each year in prison from his federal pension. This man killed 11 children without even a hint of remorse. This is a man who sold his ‘memorabilia’ from his kills on a fucking website about his accomplishments, and reported raised half a million dollars. This is the fucking piece of shit who would not tell police where the rest of the bodies of these children were unless they paid him $100,000… which they fucking did! This man killed children, and has spent the last 28 years using every means at his disposal, many of which should NOT BE at his disposal, to torture the families of his victims and drag out their hell. This man is the poster boy for the fucking death penalty up here. The federal government’s reaction yesterday – Finance Minister Jim Flaherty said WITH A CHUCKLE, that he supposed it should be looked into because he had heard from a number of his colleagues about the issue. How fucking magnanimous of him.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

DAILY NEWS -- MARCH 24th, 2010

DAILY NEWS -- MARCH 24th, 2010

DATELINE: QUEBEC – Just when you think they cannot be any more obtuse or closed minded, the politicians in Quebec fucking come through with bells on. I avoided comment about the issue of the province believing they should have their own Olympic team (undoubtedly at OUR fucking expense), I have not waded into the issue of language or distinct society, BUT TODAY the Quebec government passed legislation that no one will receive services at government offices if they have anything concealing their faces... like a niqab worn by some Muslim women. Not only is this DECIDEDLY discriminatory against Muslim women, it is beyond disgusting. Nothing like a democracy that works to exclude one small group of people from exercising the most basic of rights. Does this mean that if a woman in a niqab shows up at an election booth, she will be denied the right to vote? The government’s excuse for this incredible load of fucking horsecrap (which, for all intents and purposes is nothing more than their prejudices and hatreds leaking out their fucking ears) is that it will help to restore women’s rights and stop them from being oppressed. WHAT THE FUCK??? Who comes up with this crap? If anything, you have done exactly the opposite because now, if they have made the choice on their own to wear the niqab, they will be denied services. How about trying EDUCATION??? Is that one totally beyond the realms of possibility? Perhaps if you tried to pull your heads out of your francophone catholic asses, you might learn something about other religions and thereby stop the hatred. So, here is my suggestion, Mr. Stupid-Ass Charet: Because you also argue that it impedes the ability to make proper identification, I will argue that the same applies for nuns in habits, who, when not wearing a wimple, can look entirely different and thereby could pose the same fucking security threat. I also argue that expecting nuns to live a life of poverty and to wear religious garb is oppressing them, so perhaps your next bit of legislation should include that. I have to say, I am so fucking sick and tired of the complaining and wimping and demanding that comes from that province, I am embarrassed to say that my family tree has roots that go right back to the founding of the place. Park your hatred for a while, sir, and do something that is right FOR ALL PEOPLE and not just the few distinct elite that live in la belle Provence. I cannot believe this fucking crap would happen in Canada. For shame.

DATELINE: IRELAND – Well, Bishop John Magee, bishop of Cloyne, has submitted his resignation to The Pope. Whoop-de-fucking-doo. That he is not longer a bishop should be the least of the things that happens to him. Let’s do a quick fucking recap here: Three investigations conducted by agencies NOT associated to the church have documented now that THOUSANDS of children were raped, molested, beaten and otherwise abused by their priests and by the nuns and brothers who ran boarding schools and orphanages. THOUSANDS. Bishop Magee was one of several bishops who knew about this, who did absolutely NOTHING to help those children other than to get into major damage control and start paying off the victims after the first civil case of abuse was filed in 1996. For this the Pope apologized, and now a bishop has apologized and resigned? That’s it?? Not only is that not even fucking close to what needs to be done, it borders on insulting. I might not have a degree in theology, but I will go out on a limb and state that I rather doubt this is what Jesus meant when he said “Suffer the children to come unto me.” Thousands of children, their lives destroyed, their families destroyed, their faith destroyed, all because a bunch of priests could not keep their peckers in their pants, and those that could stop it did nothing? Sorry, but the apology really isn’t even worth shit.

DATELINE: OTTAWA – Speaking of the totally fucking vile, that paragon of putrid crap Ann Coulter (sort of a blonde Glen Beck with boobs) had her speech cancelled last night at the University of Ottawa. Why the hell she was even speaking there is beyond me, because to be totally honest, we have more than enough general hatred spewing around the globe right now, that her addition to that vitriolic verbal vomit really isn’t necessary. After comments about how Muslins should not be allowed on airplanes, but should rather use their flying carpets, and if they don’t have one, perhaps they should use their camels then, infuriated enough people that they really did not want to offer her a platform on which to speak such fucking bullshit again. She later said that it was intended as a joke. The only joke in the matter is Ann Coulter herself, and the fact that Fox has given her a soap box to stand on totally removes any doubt as to the seriousness of journalism within that organization. Speaking out is fine, but rather than sitting there and screaming stupidity, why not offer some viable alternatives instead of using the same bullshit tactics of hate and fear that the church has resorted to for so long? Sad to say, but this woman almost makes Sarah Palin look classy AND intellectual. Ewww, I think I tasted a bit of vomit in my mouth, just saying that.

DATELINE: SAN DIEGO – Picture it: a foursome out for a round of golf. They tee up at the 9th, the first player, Charles T White swings, swacks, and sinks the fucking ball. A hole in one!! WHOOT. BUT THEN, the next player in their foursome, Kitty Tinker, does exactly the same fucking thing! Holy crap! The odds were calculated out at 17 million to one for two people in the same foursome to hit back-to-back holes-in-one on the same hole. I would expect they each should have a car, or a trip or a million dollars for such a feat. Instead, the club house bought them each a free round of drinks. Seriously, two free rounds of fucking drinks? Not even a fucking picture of them on the internet? I would have been drinking fucking Kristal Champagne for my two rounds, and then I would find someplace else to play where they actually give you something more than bar spillage for the accomplishment.

DATELINE: GERMANY – I just fucking love a good car story. Daimler, the German car company that makes Mercedes-Benz vehicles, has been accused of paying bribes to government officials. In court papers filed in the United States, the allegation states that between the years of 1998 to 2008, Daimler spent millions of dollars bribing officials of at least 22 foreign countries so that they would use and promote the Daimler name. Countries allegedly included in the list are China, Russia, Egypt and Greece. They are accused of paying kickbacks to officials in the Iraqi government (in violation of the UN’s Oil for Food Program), and of giving an armoured car to a Turkmenistan official for his birthday in an attempt to garner a government vehicle supply contract. A source close to Daimler, however, reports that they are preparing to pay the hundreds of millions of dollars in fines without going to court. So, the lesson for the day – buy a fecking Bimmer, people.

Monday, March 22, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 22nd, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 22nd, 2010

– A dentist in Falls River has been accused of, among other things, using paper clips instead of stainless steel posts for root canals. He is apparently a real fucking dentist, but seriously, he used fucking paperclips! While I suspect there will now be a rabid movement to prevent the sales of office supplies to dentists in an attempt to keep this from happening again, I have to tell you that guys like this creative bastard will find a way around it, just like he managed to find a way around complying with the laws about submitting Medicaid claims and prescribing medications. This guy was a sneaky one! That said, I have a request. Could all the news-worthy crazies please move the hell out of Massachusetts. There are more than enough not news-worthy crazies there, and sadly I know many of them already, but more to the point, typing the damned name of the state is enough to do me a serious injury to my typing fingers. Please move to Ohio. Nothing ever happens there, and it’s easy to type.

DATELINE: SWITZERLAND – Taking the appeal of roasted nuts just a tiny step too far, a man was forced to take a mid-day stroll onto the window ledge of an apartment used for transsexual prostitution when fire, not the passionate kind, broke out in the building. Luckily enough, when the firemen arrived, the media had also managed to get there and snap some pictures of the man in his all-together. The pictures, not all that flattering of the naked man pressed against the outside wall of the burning building, were printed the next morning in local papers, stating that the unit was used in the sex trade. The 33-year-old man was released from hospital that evening with ‘light burns’. Bet he had a hard time explaining that to the boss, but at least if it was a sick day, he probably has a doctor’s note.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – House Democrats yesterday evening passed President Obama’s health care reforms in a bit of a squeaker vote. For those who think this is all over now, just hang on a bit, because now it goes back to the Senate where the debate will begin all over again, and for the most part, changes from this new legislation will not be seen for another four years. It is to be hoped that, in this last round of bickering between political superstars that the needs of the people will actually be addressed. This is a big enough issue that there is no fucking need for rhetoric or boogieman blame-games or asinine hyperbole. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the decisions made were based on the merits and flaws of the legislation. Of course, this commentary is coming from someone who lives in the land of socialized healthcare, where at least in my experience, the health care blows sperm whales, BUT, also one who lives in the land of legalized medical marijuana, which must explain this whole fucking pipedream of political co-operation for the achievement of the best for all.

DATELINE: TEXAS – Travelers got more than an eyeful when a man climbed to the top of a billboard, stripped down and started dancing. Yes, police were called. Yes, they tried to convince him to come down. No, that wasn’t going to happen. The police ended up calling for a ladder truck to get them man down. They report that it could be that he was ‘under the influence’ at the time of the impromptu dance. What pisses me off most is that there are no billboards wide enough for anyone to stand on, let alone dance. Up here, a billboard is a fucking board. Birds can barely dance on them. I want wider billboards, because we just never have anything to look at along the highways up here, especially when driving through Saskatchewan.

DATELINE: ARIZONA – David Word, a 62-yr-old man, rigged up his black Crown Vickie with lights and a siren, then hitting the highway and pulling over people, telling them to slow down and obey the traffic laws. Unfortunately, he pulled over an off-duty cop, told him to slow down, and then left. The cop, an apparently suspicious one, went to work and ran the plates form the Crown Victoria, then went to pay Word a visit, arresting him at his home in… this is the best part of the whole fucking story… Surprise, Arizona! Yes, I would guess it’s a safe bet that he was.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

DAILY NEWS – Sunday, March 21, 2010

DAILY NEWS – Sunday, March 21, 2010

Sorry, folks, but the awesomely good Reverend Flakewaiter is out administering to the masses. Hopefully he will be back next Sunday with his sermon.

DATELINE: DOMINCAN REPUBLIC – Jorge Puello, the lawyer who originally represented the US missionaries accused of kidnapping 33 Haitian children, was arrested today. Yes, the man was a fugitive, wanted in both the US and El Salvador for… wait for it… illegal trafficking of women and children. You might remember that he had originally acted as spokesmen for the group of miscreant missionaries, and then he excluded himself. Guess he didn’t want to be associated with the riff-raff, or perhaps he just realized that perhaps his picture might make it into the press and he would be found? The fucking prick should be locked in a room with Lorena Bobbit, because that might be the only way he learns to respect women and children. Hopefully this one will never again breathe fresh free air.

DATELINE: IRELAND – While the Pope’s long-awaited letter was read to many Irish congregations, a few key issues were glossed over. Primarily the whole issue of Cardinal Ratzinger, now Pope Benedict, instructions several years ago that these things priestly discretions are to be kept secret, was totally overlooked. The issue of responsibility was never addressed. The fact that these cases, once reported, should be handled by the police EVERY time was never addressed. In essence, there was not one hell of a lot of substance in this 8 page tome, other than to pass the fucking blame to anyone OTHER than the pope and the Vatican. Well done… now as reports of more abuses are starting to erupt from yet another continent. Welcome, Brazil, to the very sad, very sick club of countries where the Catholic Church is in crisis. That anyone can believe that Cardinal Ratzinger, Pope John Paul II’s pit bull when it came to discipline within the entire church, knew nothing about any of this -- about the relocating of priests, about the huge settlements for abused children, about the bishops and cardinals that condoned and covered up this crap -- is totally fucking beyond me. Prior to his election as Pope, Benedict’s ‘underground communications network’ within the church was legendary, reaching even into the conversations of those priests who advised female congregants to obey their doctors’ recommendations when it came to required hysterectomies and birth control, resulting in the defrocking and excommunication of those priests. The then-Cardinal Ratzinger went so far as to interrogate these priests in the same rooms used for Inquisition purposes centuries earlier. This Pope is far from innocent, far from contrite about anything other than being caught. Sorry, folks, but what else can be expected from a Pope elected by a conclave that welcomed the likes of Cardinal Bernard Law in its midst? The epitome of hypocrisy though, is that some of the victims of this abuse offer details that include the use of condoms. Apparently they are okay for the clergy to use, as it isn’t intended to prevent pregnancy but only the spread of disease. Too bad the same clergy, the same Pope who embraces this principle, cannot see his way to allowing the same protection against disease to the thousands of people in Africa who are victims of AIDS.

DATELINE: SWITZERLAND – Also from the ‘let’s leave him in a room with Lorena’ list… Roman Polanski’s lawyer has filed a new appeal based on judicial misconduct. This is yet another attempt to get the kid-diddling director off the hook. Perhaps Polanski should be allowed to spend the rest of his exile in Rome at the Vatican. He should be hanging out with his own kind, and not fucking tying up taxpayers dollars on what can never alter the facts of what the man did over thirty years ago. If the man had any balls to brag of, he would have stepped up back then. This crap now is just plain fucking pathetic.

DATELINE: RUSSIA – Protesters gathered all over the country yesterday to demand the resignation of Vladimir Putin. Even though Putin stepped down as president of Russia in 2008, he still maintains a firm grasp of the reins from his position of Prime Minister. Some might even argue that now he wields even more power and influence, working his megalomaniacal magic outside of the public eye and of public scrutiny. Complaints against Putin include the diminishing of democratic rights, the extensive amount of red tape hindering the accomplishment of even the smallest daily routine, the always increasing taxes and the incredibly high level of corruption at all levels of government. Yes, fellow Canadians, take a good fucking look, because Comrade Harper, with his arrogance, taxes, and ambivalence is trotting down the same fucking road.

DATELINE: BOSTON – Because there just isn’t enough politics played within the confines of the Church, Boston’s Cardinal Sean O’Malley had to stick his fucking toe in the water regarding the upcoming vote on healthcare reform. Did he speak out on the hundreds of thousands of poor people and elderly this bill might have? No. Did he speak out about his concerns regarding the possible increased financial burden this will put on the middle and working classes? No, not that he should either, because as a member of that elite group of people who do NOT pay taxes, he really should not tell the government who to tax or what to do with the moneys collected. But once again stomping all over the line that separates Church and State, the Cardinal decided to speak out against the fact that the bill might allow easier access to abortions. Whether the bill does or not, the Church acting as a moral compass at this point in time is at the very least fucking ludicrous. Based on the Catholic Church’s ‘position’ about a number of written works, their calls for works like that terrible villain and model of all that is unholy, Harry Potter, to be condemned, I find it crosses over from the sublime to the ridiculous to think that anything uttered by an official in the church right now would have the slightest credibility.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON -- Today's the Big Day, Obama-drama Day, Health Care Reform Day. This is one debate I firmly stayed away from because, well, it's not my place to tell people from another country how they should live or vote or be taxed on, because there are so many factors to consider within this bill, and because, and there is no polite way to state this, but based on my own reading of the issue, my great big huge fucking fat ass is firmly implanted on the picket fence. You have more than enough fucking idiots and raging maniacs down there telling you how to vote, what to fear and who to blame. You don't need me muddying the waters any further, because I KNOW how much stock you all put in my opinion on such critical matters.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

DAILY NEWS - MARCH 18th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 18th, 2010

DATELINE: SOUTH AFRICA – A study involving troops of Vervet monkeys has shown that monkeys learn better from tasks modelled by female monkeys than they do from ones modeled by male monkeys. Duh! It’s believed because the female stays with the groups and doesn’t wander around looking for some action, like the males do, they have more knowledge about their home ranges, resources and foods, and so are more respected. Double Duh! Thank God for women, for they teach, gather, feed, raise, transport, nurse and clean. When we talk about someone being busier than a one-armed masturbating monkey, we generally are talking about women because the men folks are just too busy... you know, choking the monkey.

DATELINE: FRANCE – Contestants in a reality game show get the privilege of shocking their opponents with every wrong answer. I am not talking the mouth hanging open, eyes bugging out disbelief shock but the ‘flip the switch and watch em fry’ type of fucking shock. Yes, on the Game of Death, contestants watched their opponents writhe in agony each time they pulled the lever. They had all been told that the voltage was increased with each pull, that what the hell. The opponent was strapped into what was essentially an electric chair, but that apparently seemed totally fine to the contestants. The screams maybe caused them to hesitate slightly, but in the end, all but 18% of the contestants willingly pulled the lever to deliver what they were told could be a lethal amount of voltage into a man strapped into a chair, egged on by a beautiful co-host and a mob audience screaming ‘punishment’. Yes, it turns out it was an experiment, not really a game show, and it was intended to reveal the affects of television reality shows on normal people. When interviewed afterwards one woman, comparing her reaction to soldiers in WWII Germany, stated “Since I was a little girl, I have always asked myself why the Nazi’s did it and how they could obey such orders? And then there I was, obeying them myself. I was worried about the contestant but at that same time I was afraid to spoil the program.” Hello? Is this chick for fucking real? What you did was completely and totally about greed and money and your fifteen fucking minutes of fame. Nice to know, though, that for something as simple as a fucking $40, you are prepared to take a life. People, we are plain becoming one sick fucking society.

DATELINE: RUSSIA – Russian President Dmitry Medvedev told his security council that his country must be prepared to defend its claims to the Canadian arctic mineral riches. Funny how NOW they want to get in there and take care of the place, despite the fact that before the discovery of anything, they couldn’t give a flying fuck about the Canadian arctic. Now they are all beating down the door to find some fucking way to say that it is theirs. Norway and Denmark are doing likewise, although I don’t recall them ever paying a fucking cent to help the people up there. Because of global warming and the loss of ice mass, they now beat their fists on their desks and scream that it is theirs. Global warming, that thing that is supposed to be caused by the emissions from oil and gas. This world will undoubtedly destroy itself over fucking oil and gas, come hell and high water.

DATELINE: PITTSBURGH – Frank Fontana was asleep in his bed when, about 5:30 am, he felt someone crawl into bed with him. Suspecting it was his lady friend with a key, he welcomed her. The voice that replied was definitely NOT from his lady friend though, but rather a very drunk, very cold stranger who was looking for a place to warm up after attending a rap concert. The son of a bitch was just about rapped on the head when Fontana jumped from bed and grabbed a baseball bat. Seriously? My money is on the guy in the bed being that sorta creepy alarm company tv ad guy in there to prove a point, or maybe that guy that always showed up in the middle of the bed to advertise toast or muffins or coffee or whatever the fuck it was. No matter. I am moving to Pittsburgh.

DATELINE: LONDON – A group of 10 boy scouts were denied entry to Harrod’s – because of their uniform scarves. When asked to remove them, the Scout leader refused, offering instead to go into the store in smaller groups, but they were still denied. This was apparently done for ‘health and safety reasons’. I can only fucking imagine the germs on those scarves and those scouts, crawling around in the bush and doing stuff the beautiful people inside Harrods would never expose themselves to. So, rather than making Harrod’s a must-see fucking trip on your next London excursion, why not just walk past the doors and spend some time learning about Robert Baden-Powell at the Baden-Powell House. I would bet it would be a much more rewarding experience.

DATELINE: NEW ORLEANS – In a first ever (thank Christ) campaign, a urologist is offering free vasectomies to the first 20 men who call in for the March Madness event. Yes, this knife-wielding Bobetzian doctor believes this is the time to motivate the male population, pointing out that by having the procedure done next week, they would have an excuse to sit on the couch and watch Basketball – because they fucking need an excuse? Of course, the offer comes with a few bonus items – Pizza, because apparently this doctor has as spill-over agreement with the cardiologist down the hall who just loves the sound of clogging fucking arteries; a bag of frozen peas, to help cut down the swelling; and, my personal fucking favorite, a copy of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, just to prove that little soldier will still be able to stand up after the procedure. So much for March Hairs and Mad Hatters.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

DAILY NEWS -- MARCH 17th, 2010

DATELINE: ENGLAND – A man who assaulted a police officer by swinging his Herculean penis has been fined 600 pounds. Yes, apparently this man believed he could pull off the Attack of the Killer Prick by standing on the couch and waving his (apparently ginormous) penis in the officers face, causing her to ‘take evasive action’ to avoid getting hit. This begs the question… just how fucking big is this guy and where the hell do I find him?

DATELINE: NORTH CAROLINA – Time Warner Cable made a big BOOBoo when they accidently ran two hours of the Playboy Network on the channels Kids On Demand and Kids Preschool On Demand between 6 and 8 in the morning. Hmmm, bet that gave Dora the Explorer some new meat to chew on, and now all those little kiddies will have a whole new concept of Blues Clues.

DATELINE: NOTTINGHAM – He’s been dead for four hundred years, and STILL old Billy Shakespeare managed to get a new play out there. How the hell does he do that? Double Falsehood or the Distressed Lovers is thought to be a collaborative effort between Shakespeare and John Fletcher. While the play had been around for three hundred years, analysis now indicates that Shakespeare probably penned it. My question... if they weren't sure that Shakespeare even wrote Shakespearean stuff, how could they possibly know that he wrote this one. I think I smell Baaaa-con.

DATELINE: BOSTON – City Councilor Robert Consalvo would like all merchants to change their solid metal security gates with nicer looking grates like those used in shopping malls. His reasoning for asking already-hurting businesses to take on this expensive undertaking? To cut down on graffiti on the metal covers. He claims that with the steel curtains and the graffiti, the business district looks ‘unsafe’ and ‘uninviting’. So, I am fucking confused about this. Of course the metal screens make the area look uninviting… to the people who want to break in as well, which is the point, isn’t it? And as for the graffiti, during the day, when the stores are open and wanting to invite people, the curtains are up so no graffiti is seen. Do the store owners really give a flying crap what the place looks like at 2am? Perhaps the good city councilor should try running a business and keeping it afloat in this economy. Then maybe he could come up with some constructive fucking ideas.

DATELINE: NEW JERSEY – Donna Simpson, already the world’s biggest mom, is working hard to become the world’s fattest woman. Yes, already at over 600 pounds, she is consuming 12,000 calories a day at a cost of almost $800/week in her attempt to be over 1000 pounds within two years. A noble goal, she claims to be hindered by chasing after her toddler. What the fuck in a child doing in that house, where the mother is more concerned with selling memberships to her website where people can actually pay to watch this stupid woman eat. She claims, however, that her lifestyle is healthy, despite the fact that she cannot walk. When her child was born, it took 30 health care workers to assist in the caesarian section. In what could be the most unbelievable understatement of all time, she says of her husband “He’s a real belly man, and completely supports me”. The man must have muscles of steel to support that! I repeat, what the hell is a child doing living in that environment. If this woman wants to kill herself, that is her prerogative, but the child should not be in there, because this is just fucking sick.

Monday, March 15, 2010

DAILY NEWS - MARCH 15th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 15th, 2010

– Reille Hunter, mistress of former Senator and Democratic vice-presidential candidate John Edwards, has decided to reveal all to GQ. Why the hell not? It’s such a fantastic story of romance and love and -- excuse me while I puke. The only line you really need to know from the interview: “I was on the couch pregnant, and I felt like I… it was devastating for me, because it went against all my belief systems.” She was speaking, of course, of when Edward’s aide, Andrew Young, claimed paternity of her baby. Her belief system? Give me a fucking break. In the interview she talks of how they were in bed just hours after meeting, how she called a married man in his room and then went up to visit with him, how she accepted the job of providing video tapes for his campaign while she was boinking him, how she slept with the man while his wife was in hospital dealing with cancer... So this begs the question ‘What fucking belief system?’ Hunter and Edwards give new meaning to sleaze. If you want to boink a married man, NEVER claim to even own a fucking moral compass. If you are a married man and you decide you need to screw around, stand the fuck up and say to your wife BEFORE hand that you don’t love or want her anymore. Grow some fucking balls! These two deserve each other. Unfortunately their baby deserves a whole hell of a lot better.

DATELINE: BRITAIN – Jesus… in a frying pan. Among the incredible list of Jesus sightings comes this one. A young man, pissed out of his fucking mind, decides to cook some bacon. In the process, he passes out. The smoke billowing from his frying pan woke him up and what the hell did he see when he looked into the thing? A PERFECT picture of Jesus. Now, even if this was remotely close to a credible claim, how does he know it’s Jesus? Not every guy with a beard is Jesus. People have to stop making up stupid fucking sightings, and leave the air space open for the real incidents – the ones with the almost might be face of Jesus inside an orange, or in the knots of a tree.

DATELINE: REVELSTOKE – An avalanche 150m wide and 10m deep trapped over 30 people this weekend, killing 2, at the Big Iron Shoot-Out snowmobile event. Children as young as 7 were there on their skidoos in an area that, for the last three weeks, has been subject of an unprecedented number of avalanche warnings. Despite the warnings, organizers proceeded to charge participants $25 each. An event called High-Marking triggered the snow slide. For those of you with any sense of the laws of fucking Newton, High-marking is racing UP the face of the mountain to see who can go the highest. The first competitor triggered the disaster at 3:30 in the afternoon. Now, I am all for having fun and I accept that there are people who love to push the envelope, but under the circumstances, with the warnings having been issued, the organizers of this event should face criminal charges. The parents of children there, some of whom were caught up in the wall of snow and ice, should also be facing charges of child endangerment. If you want to be so fucking stupid as to go to this event, pay for the privilege of putting everyone else there, and this time there were 200 people there, in danger, then that is up to you. The cost for this mess, for the helicopters required to lift out all the wrecked snowmobiles, for the many search and rescue officials who put their own safety at risk because of this crap, for the cost of the investigation should all be picked up by the organizers of the event. Maybe that’s the only way to stop stupidity like this. I do know that the fucking taxpayers who have enough brains to not do this crap in an avalanche area during avalanche season should NOT have to foot the bill.

DATELINE: NEW ZEALAND – A woman, haunted by the spirits of an old man and a young woman, arranged for a professional exorcist to come into her home to rid her of these ghosts. She had no idea the payload she was heading for… or maybe she fucking did. She managed, by some incredible fucking miracle, to capture the spirits in little vials filled with blue holy water! Blue holy water!! Holy fucking crap. We only get the ordinary clear stuff, so the blue must be real special. Not only did she capture them, she auctioned them off on e-bay. The true fucking miracle here? People were stupid enough to fucking bid on the vials that finally sold for almost $2000.

DATELINE: CALIFORNIA – Remember the run-away Prius, the one that the cop had to help stop from accelerating itself down the highway? The one that we all watched repeatedly as the cop said he could smell the brakes as the guy stomped on em, and he could see the brake lights come on? Yeah, that one. It would seem now that the driver of that Prius, Mr. Sikes, is under attack because he owes money on his house AND his car *insert gasp of fucking shock here because obviously no one else these days owes a fucking penny on anything* and so he had to have staged the whole thing. If it was ‘real’ why didn’t he turn off the key? Well, dumbass, because on most cars now, when you kill the ignition, you kill the steering and so I don’t know you want to do that at 90 mph. Why didn’t he shift to neutral? Well, I would probably have been hesitant to do that as well at that speed. Here’s the thing… it doesn’t matter HOW he tried to stop or what he did or didn’t do to stop, other than step on the brakes. A car is supposed to stop when you step on the brakes. That’s all that really fucking matters here… that it accelerated on its own and the brakes failed, and the age of the fuckin driver really doesn’t matter. BUT, in yet another wonderfully classic example of unadulterated stupidity, a politician had to weigh with a statement that is so fucking beyond profound that it makes no fucking sense at all. Yes, Representative Darrell Issa, in a statement about the incident said “It doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen, but let’s understand, it doesn’t mean it did happen.” What the fuck??

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Sunday Sermon with Dillinger Flakewaiter

Death and a dime for a cup of coffee

Death and a dime will get you a cup of coffee. You see, children of mine, that death is as that cup of coffee that today we cannot purchase for a dime, right? It is indeed a hefty proposition to suppose that death, or for that matter a cup of coffee are determinable commodities. We can purchase both but at what price? What!!!! I hear your minds screaming, what!!!! Death is inevitable, you say? Cannot be denied! Death and taxes, the concoction of the few for the control of the masses. Death is inevitable unless you are not with our Lord and Heavenly Host. You children simply cannot die, you cannot purchase a cup of coffee for a thin dime, but, can you? Therein lies the difference between the constructed and the holy. God, your Lord and Savior is the spirit of mankind. He is not some ill conceived consideration to control you. However, religion often is. I say often because as in life there are exceptions to every rule, and this is a fine one I should think. God your Heavenly Master is beyond rule. He did confide in me that He is, on occasion at least, marginally bored. I had never realized this about God, but, since He done told me, well, my children and His, it must be so.

I have heard that each and everyone of us should, no, must search for, find their bliss. What is this damned bliss that some man speaks of so diligently? As he sees it, the absolute truth. Without said bliss one is searching in life for the abject, the will of the masters, never happy or at peace without. Now, do not the masters of the Earth demand that mammon is the king and queen of life? I think they do, do you? It seems to me that without bliss but with massive mammon, one could at least fake it, right? Would you rather be poor and ill in spirit, or rich and ill in spirit? Would you prefer this bliss with or without mammon and the acoutrements of said? Perhaps this philosopher who has raked the earth for years in search of bliss did not, for he is indeed dead, understand that bliss is a state of being one with the creator? On the other hand perhaps he did, but, he is dead and not with his maker for he searched on earth only what is found in Heaven. He stated that spiritual development was indeed the source of true bliss, but, how could this be? He searched for bliss on the fields of dirt that clouded his feet, stirred his insides into turmoil over the lack thereof in the people that he was trying to convince. Lost in this search he did not, or could not, comprehend that his unfathomable egocentrictic behavior forced him away from his bliss while he either subconsciously or consciously stood before said masses with a shield of pseudo bliss covering his manic search for something he claimed to have already found. That he was indeed blessed with the righteousness of having found while we must search. The words 'must' or 'should' are dangerous words for if we do not we are lost. Indication is the truth of his message.

Reach into your purses, your wallets and give me all of you, your manna, your spiritual mammon that exists only to persuade God that He is indeed your bliss. Do it my children so that I may be as I must be; Covered in your love for God. It is the only thing to do really. You do understand, do not you? Of course you do. It is as the dime and death. Give me the contents and I promise that you all will live in the hereafter with your Lord and Savior our Heavenly Father. What have you to lose except the weight of earthy have to. Not a bad deal I should think. No! Not a bad deal, a great deal. Besides, the Maserati needs loving.

If you buy this please understand I do it only for one reason-BLISS!!! Yours of course-Amen and Amen

Send your contributions to the Right Reverend Bishop Dillinger Flakewaiter of the Holy Shrine of Heavenly Bliss. I just know you will, kiddos!!!!


DAILY BLOG – MARCH 13th, 2010


– Just when you think you have seen, and smelled, it all, those wonderful free-thinking fucking perverts in Europe, the setters of all trends fashionable, come out with the totally fucking insane. The newest perfume, Vulva… yes, the name says it all. And apparently there is no false advertising here. It is a combination of urine, sweat and ‘arousal’. You have no idea how much I wish I was making this fucking stuff up. They tested many women, have not shared their ‘collection’ technique, and have decided on the ‘perfect’ specimen. So, ladies… get yer hands on this stuff as soon as possible. Getting pulled over for speeding? Dab a bit behind your ears and lean real close to the cop. Wanna make the visiting hockey team lose the game? Spray in on yer whole body and sit behind the penalty box. It will be standing room only in there. The only thing left to ask… what the fuck was this guy thinking when he came up with this one? Now why settle for just being called a twat, when you can smell like one too.

DATELINE: LONDON – Announcing the event that will top the UK events calendar. Mark this down, because this is something no one can afford to fucking miss. Yes, the Opera to end all Operas… The Anna Nichole Smith story… done to music… on a stage. This will be even bigger than Jerry Springer: The Opera, and that is really almost impossible to fucking believe. Anna Nichole… the most unbelievable thing… until the inevitable will happen when Monica Lewinski has opera officianatos hitting the high notes. Pul-lease!

DATELINE: NEW YORK – Thank God! Kate Gosselin, celeb baby machine and upcoming Belle of the Ball on Dancing with the Stars, spent 7 hours getting her fucking hair cut! WHOOT! I am so fucking excited I can barely contain myself. So, with her dancing and her coiffing and her starring and her rubbing elbows with the ‘beautiful’ people, who the hell is actually being a mom to her children? Or… has she totally forgotten that in her effort to ride her womb to stardom? And why in the name of all that is fucking holy, is anything this woman does really newsworthy?

DATELINE: MICHIGAN – It’s time for hazard pay for bridal shop owners. Enough is fucking enough. Just dealing with those perky pesky Bridezilla’s they have to deal with every day, those delusional girls dreaming of that perfect Cinderella day, would be enough to make you want to gag every fucking night. But in Michigan they take it to a whole new level. When a bride-in-the-making, according to the store owner, a rather impossible, demanding bride, went in for more alterations to her dress, and he refused, she called her groom to be to help her. He showed up with ‘friends’ and they proceeded to trash the store and assault the owner and his wife. Yup, that seems to be a match made in fucking heaven.

DATELINE: CALIFORNIA – Kendra Wilkinson is talking about getting her breasts bronze. After having a baby, she has decided that perhaps she is a bit too top heavy. Her husband, however, is worried that he might have nothing to fondle, so, after asking Mario Lopez’ live audience if she should do something about them being too big, she offered to have them bronzed to hang in her husband’s office. So… this raises one MAJOR question. Who the fuck is Kendra Wilkinson, how many lives has she saved with her actions or policies, and why do I want to read about her fucking plastic knockers in my newspaper?

Friday, March 12, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 12th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 12th, 2010

– Premier Campbell and his gang of sodomizing policy writers are back at it again. The amount of time these people have to spend finding new ways to totally screw over the working people of this province is phenomenal. Now, tucked in the back recesses of their latest budget, they have slipped in a nice little thing about how all private used car, truck and boat sales will subjected to a 12% tax. Nothing like sticking it to the middle class again, the ones who cannot afford a new fucking car, the families struggling to make ends meet, so let’s fuck them over once again. The carbon tax (nothing more than a fucking rural cash grab) wasn’t enough, the harmonized tax wasn’t enough… let’s just get the tax payer to bend over a little bit more for King Gordon. It’s time to take a page from Saskatchewan’s book (It almost pains me to say that!) and stop purchasing all Lottery tickets in the province. They want to bleed us, let’s stop giving them that easy money. It worked for the stubble jumpers, maybe we can make them hurt enough here to stop giving us the shaft, at least for a while.

DATELINE: PETERBOROUGH – Imagine it! Sitting at your computer, minding your own business as you surf the net when, BOOM! A four-foot long fucking snake strikes out and sinks its teeth into your hand. Yup, it happened. The guy shook the snake off his hand, trapped it in a garbage can and ran to get medical attention. He has no idea where the California King Snake came from, but it is suspected it was a stray pet that travelled through the pipes in the apartment building. The guy was fine because the snake is not venomous. The snake had to be put to sleep because of the injuries it received when it was thrown across the room. If it was me that got bit while working on my computer, the guy who had it as a pet and then lost track of it would be in fucking traction.

DATELINE: LONDON – Prince Foot-In-Mouth Phil rides again. While his wife was touring a military base and inspecting the cadets, Phil stopped to chat. For starters, that has to automatically send a shiver up poor Liz’s spine, but whatcha gonna do? He asked one sea cadet what she did for a living. It was a simple question, a good ground-breaker. She replied that she worked in a club. She was a pretty girl, a young girl, looked very nice in her uniform, so of course the next obvious question from the Prince would be ‘A strip club then?’ Of course, it had to be, because that’s the only place in the fucking world for a nice, pretty young girl to work, right? She replied no, and because Phil just could not leave it alone, he replied, before moving on, that it was probably a good thing she didn’t because it was rather cold out there that day. I have no idea what the hell this guy does for drugs, but by God, it has to be good stuff.

DATELINE: NEW JERSEY – A black-market ‘practitioner’ has been offering butt enhancement treatments from his hotel room in New Jersey. Yes, women have gone to him, paid him money and dropped their drawers for him to create an ass to die for. Well, sadly… that could have been the fucking case because he was injecting them with bathroom caulk. Sorry, ladies, but you do NOT go for medical treatments in hotel rooms in New Jersey, because probably the ‘practitioner’ is more interested in your fucking money than he is in your health. So far six women have had to have corrective surgery and a treatment of antibiotics in an attempt to reduce the damage. However, take heart, because local doctors there are promising to be on the lookout for more cases, watching with the utmost of diligence the asses that pass them by.

DATELINE: ROME – Just when you think the Catholic Church can’t get more hypocritical, enter Bishop Gerhard Ludwig Mueller, German Bishop of the Regensburg. The good Bishop is annoyed that the Pope had been alerted to the level of wrongdoing done by the Church in Germany. His opinion? ‘This is a great fuss made by the mass media’. A great fuss? He went on to state ‘Besides, there is no need to act because those cases are in the past’. Wow, did he say a mouthful that goes a long fucking way to explain why the church is in the midst of this clusterfuck. Despite how long ago it was, the people who were abused are still suffering. And despite how long ago it was many of those priests are still involved in the church and the people involved in covering up this crap are still covering up crap. It comes down to this. They have no fucking credibility. Why the hell should we believe anything that they say? They have created a sense of entitlement among themselves, that they can do what they like, but they will condemn anyone who does likewise.

And, even still, the German Justice Minister has accused the church of covering up these scandals for decades, and said that the secrecy of the Vatican, their rules and practices, is hampering the investigation. The Education Minister has suggested that there should be a ‘zero tolerance’ when it comes to sexual abuse of children. This needs to be suggested? The Irish government-commission Murphy report has found that the church willingly concealed abuse. So, Bishop Mueller, do you still maintain that this is just a great fucking fuss created by the mass media? How dare you even suggest such a fucking thing. There is an absolute need for this to come out, because otherwise it will continue. In light of abuse allegations and the revelation of a gay prostitution ring operating in the Vatican, you STLL maintain this? Please bear in mind that for how many years was the current pope the last pope’s fucking watchdog and so it is incredibly hard to believe that he knew nothing about this crap going on. As Bishops the world over were shuffling bad priests around the country so their dirty little secrets could be easier concealed, someone had to know, otherwise why would there have been over $2B in settlements in the US because of concealed repeated abuses? The countless number of people who were told to trust the church, to believe in the church, that the church was their only salvation, and that they had to accept this crap from the church or risk burning in hell for the rest of their lives is staggering. Sadly the countless number of good priests who do live and teach by example are also victims of this bullshit, so don’t you dare, Bishop Meuller, blow this off like yesterday’s bad bratwurst.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 11th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 11th, 2010

– A high school in Rome has announced that it will be installing condom machines. It is hard to believe that this is news, but, when in Rome... Of course, the Vatican had an immediate and definitive response. The placement of condoms in a school ‘trivializes sex’ and of course, the action ‘cannot be approved by Rome’s ecclesiastical community or by Christian families who are seriously concerned with the education of their children’. Far be it for me to point out that, amidst the reports of gay prostitution rings being run out of the Holy City, as well as the hundreds of reports of abuse, both sexual and physical, at the hands of Catholic priests, that the position of the Vatican regarding condom machines would be totally fucking hilarious if it was not so fucking sad. The obvious thing to do would be to let your children go to a Catholic school, where they can be sold to the highest bidder for a nightly lesson in anal sex? How about more lessons in hatred as when little girls are kicked out of fucking pre-school because they have two moms? The level of hypocrisy is totally unbelievable. In the case of the condom machines, however, they went one step further. The head Italy’s national association of Catholic pharmacists has gone so far as to say that condoms are responsible for increased numbers of rapes and violence. That a man with an education and a modicum of ethics would make such a fucking preposterous suggestion is deplorable. There are very few rapists who take the time to slip on a rubber. Perhaps though, the Holy Father is only in favour of them being handed out by his priests, on an as-needed basis. I cannot begin to tell you how fucking sick this whole thing makes me. Someone has to step in and stop this fucking stupidity.

DATELINE: MISSISSIPPI – Speaking of the propagation of hatred, lets run over to the Itawamba County Agricultural High School, where the high school prom has been cancelled. Why? Well, obviously because there was the Level Red National fucking threat that a same-sex couple might actually attend the dance. *Insert sarcastic gasps of shock and horror here* The school planned on just banning the student in question, but was then advised by the ACLU that to do that would violate her rights. The next best thing to do then, obviously, is to cancel the whole fucking prom and let the student take the blame for it. Not only did the school district come up with this hateful fucking idea, the mayor of the town says that his whole community supports the decision. The whole community supports the decision to exclude, shame, and thrust hatred upon an 18-year-old? Well, there is a fucking endorsement to put on your billboards. The whole fucking town should be ashamed. Schools in Mississippi – teaching hatred and intolerance damned near better than anyone else on the continent. The Catholics must fucking love you people.

DATELINE: ONTARIO – Dr. Barbara Hartwell, the surgeon who performed not one, but at least two unnecessary mastectomies, has had her operating room privileges reinstated. Yes, before the investigation into her actions has even really begun, she has been ruled fit to wield a fucking knife again. Here is my take on this... In this case I totally fucking adhere to the eye-for-an-eye principle. Perhaps before she steps in to operate on anyone, she should have both of her breasts whacked off and thrown away for absolutely no reason. Perhaps then she might be a bit more careful. Sadly with the health care system such as it is in this country, there will be women forced to go to this doctor for treatment. Sorry, but I would rather take my chances, because there is no fucking way I would allow anyone I love or care about within ten fucking miles of this doctor.

DATELINE: OTTAWA – Public Safety Minister Vic Toews wrote an open letter to newspapers slamming their coverage of the Rahim Jaffer case that was tossed in court... you remember, the one where he was picked up for speeding in the extreme, blew a fail on the breathalyser, was found with cocaine on him? Yeah, that delightful asshole, who for the whole time he was a Member of Parliament screamed about harsher laws and penalties and more accountability from the justice system. So now, he has Vic Toews pleading his case to the public, and doing it soo fucking well, stating that the reporters where advancing ‘liberal spin’. Here is the thing Mr. Toews. You do not have to be a fucking liberal to be able to smell a steaming pile of shit when it is plopped there right in front of you. If this had been me, I would be in fucking jail. If it had been any one of millions of other Canadians, they would be in jail. Speaking of which, I defy you to find me a fucking normal non-privileged person who could do even a quarter of that bullshit that Helena Guergis pulled at the airport in Charlottetown and not go to jail. Yes, your party has that ripe aroma that comes with the feeling of being totally fucking above the law and you prove it every fucking day. The fact that you would put any god damned political spin on this shows me that you also know that what happened was wrong... you just won’t admit it. It’s one of those fucking ‘me think he doth protest too much’ things. There, Comrade Harper... I managed to get a ‘doth’ in there just for you.

DATELINE: REGINA – The Saskatchewan Party is having a Pig Roast Fundraiser. I know that, because I saw it on a poster... probably the most inappropriate fucking poster ever printed. The words are printed over a picture of the World Trade Center as flames and smoke billow from the windows. Yes, they actually have the words ‘Second Annual Spring Fundraising Dinner’ and ‘Pig Roast Dinner’ slapped right across the picture. That anyone could be so stupid as to think this was okay actually boggles the fucking mind. I stared at the damned thing for ten minutes trying to understand why they would use that picture. The reason – because they have Chief Richard Picciotto, the highest ranking firefighter to be pulled from the rubble, as a guest speaker. Nowhere on the poster does it say this. Nowhere does it explain with anything even resembling tact or diplomacy or even compassion that the guest speaker was associated to the 9-11 attacks. Instead they jam the words Pig Roast right over the fucking flames. This is a new low in political clusterfucks. Hopefully they plan to use more thought when running the damned province than they did in designing a fucking poster.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – President Obama has announced that he will be donating the full amount of his Nobel Peace Prize money to charities around the world. The $1.4M will help students, veterans’ families and Haiti earthquake victims, to name a few. Say what you will about the man and the politics, this is one hell of a first class thing to do. Kudos to the man.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010



– Once again, the politics of this country is enough to make me want to fucking puke. Former Conservative Member of Parliament Rahim Jaffer was pulled over for speeding. He was asked to provide a breath sample, which he did and produced a Fail. He was charged with speeding, impaired driving and... wait for it... possession of Cocaine. Yesterday, in court, he plead guilty to the absolutely insignificant charge of careless driving, and received a $500 fine. All other charges were dropped. Now, how in the fuck does the Cocaine thing disappear even IF the impaired driving charge could not be substantiated enough for a court of law? Did the fucking crack just disappear? Or was the real difference that this man who once loudly endorsed a ‘get tough on crime’ and ‘mandatory minimum’ line for justice happens to have a few strings he can still pull, especially in the form of his incredibly badly mannered wife Helena Geurgis, the spoiled brat who already showed her sense of superiority and entitlement through that bru-ha-ha at the airport in Charlottetown? No matter how you look at this, it fucking reeks. Of course, Comrade Harper fails to see it that way, but what the fuck? He is like that about all things Conservative, fanning the rampant flames of entitlement that burn so brightly in his fucking caucus. It is well past time that the works of them be put in fucking Prius’ and allowed to drive off a fucking cliff before the rest of us have to goose step our way around the grocery store, shouting ‘Heil Harper’ at his picture that hangs at the end of every fucking aisle as a reminder of his vast superiority and power.

DATELINE: FLORIDA – A highway patrol trooper got more than an eyeful when he pulled over a 37-year-old driver the other day. She was in the process of shaving her ‘bikini area’ while driving, and so had her ex-husband, who was in the passenger seat steering for her. For starters, how the hell much do you think he was REALLY looking at the fucking road? But, when asked why she was in such a hurry that she had to take care of this task while driving, she said she was on her way to a date with her boyfriend, and she didn’t want to be late. Now, I am not sure what the hell sort of drugs you have to be on to want to shave that particular area while driving. A speed bump could have been a fucking catastrophe. And while ex-hubby is watching you get ready for your date? It’s surprising that he even noticed the fucking trooper pulling him over.

DATELINE: CALGARY – Sarah Palin has again opened her mouth and crammed her fucking foot right in there, 3” stiletto and all. Ya know, this stupid woman is working hard to ensure her place in the books – the dictionary, beside the word ‘Idiot’. While giving one of her homey-type speeches to the folks down there in Calgary, she mentioned how her family used to slip across the line to Whitehorse for medical treatment. Take a minute and let that sink in. This woman and her family used to come into Canada for medical treatment from our socialized health care programs, and yet she will scream at the top of her ever-loving window-breaking voice that she is against socialized health care. So, while her comments make her out to be the top candidate for the fucking Hypocrite of the Year statuette, not to mention it shows the morals of her coming here so WE could pay for her fucking health care, she compounds the whole situation. She cites a case where her brother got burned in ‘some little kid accident thing’ and her parents rushed him on the train to Whitehorse for treatment. Since the medical records show that he actually was rushed by train to Juneau, either her brother suffered burned feet more than once, or she was totally up her ass again about what she was saying. My money is on the latter. I can’t wait to hear how THIS part will play up in her new book about patriotism – running across the border for health are treatment on a regular basis and all. Sarah, honey, how is that stupidity thing working for ya so far? Hopefully this will mean she will finally just fade off into that Alaskan sunset once and for all.

DATELINE: GERMANY – The Catholic Church has announced that it will launch an investigation into the growing number of reported sexual and physical abuse cases. Whoop-de-fucking-do. We have seen how well they investigate and police themselves, and there are countless hundreds of thousands of lives destroyed in the process, because nothing ever happens. This time, the allegations include many cases of abuse among the boys in the Domspatzen Choir, which has been under the control of the Pope’s brother, Father Georg Ratzinger, for the last 30 years. Yes, Georg denies any knowledge or involvement, but would we expect any less? He did, however, apologize to the victims for doing nothing to stop the beatings at an elementary school in Germany. As all of this also happened while the current Pope was archbishop of Munich, and then de facto watchdog for the Pope, interrogating and disciplining priests who did not condone women who were required to have hysterectomies or take birth control pills for reasons other than birth control, what happens now? Is it even remotely fucking possible to believe he knew nothing of what was happening under his watch? Is it possible to remove a Pope? Because, as long as this man (and I use this term loosely because he was more of a feckless fucking thug than a real man) is at the helm of the church, credibility for the religion in its entirety is not possible. Now is the time for the church to fucking well wake up and shake up the rotted timbers keeping the roof in place.

DATELINE: CALIFORNIA – A police car helped to stop a run-away Prius. The owner had called 9-1-1- to say that he could not stop, that the car had accelerated to 90 miles per hour, and that he was trying to do anything to get it under the car. No, his car was not named Christine. It was a Toyota, the car that takes Stephen King’s book off the fucking fiction shelf and plants it firmly in the non-fiction category. The cop confirmed that the guy was trying to stop, was stomping on the brakes, the brake lights were on and the smell of burning brakes was obvious. I can’t fucking wait to see how Toyota is gonna spin this baby.

DATELINE: KENTUCKY – A woman, originally picked up for the minor offence of being drunk in public, now is facing $10,000 bail and charges of 3rd Degree Assault on a Police Officer. Her weapon of choice? Breast milk. Now, I ask you, why in the hell did Agatha Christie miss this opportunity? I can’t wait to see the CSI: Miami version of this, because what a perfect fucking weapon. People the world over will be screaming for safety features to be added to women’s breasts to prevent them from squirting milk on a fucking cop. The woman was being put into her lovely little cell overalls and the cop helping her got squirted.

DATELINE: CALIFORNIA – US Senator Roy Ashburn, a man who has spoken out at length against gay rights, gay marriage and anti-discrimination laws is... yes, you guessed it, gay. Is there a fucking politician ANYWHERE in North America who is NOT trying out for the liar/hypocrite Olympics? Are they ALL taking lessons from the Vatican in this crap, or what? Ashburn had been picked up for drunk driving (a charge he will probably get a walk on anyways) and realized it might just come out that the place he had been drinking all night was his gay bar/nightclub, so after much soul-searching (because it would take this jerk a long time to search for his soul... he is a politician: they apparently turn them and everything having to do with morals and ethics in at the ballot box) he decided it was time to come out of the closet. First, I really don’t care that you are gay. That might surprise some, but I don’t. What I care about is the fact that the son of a bitch fought against what was the right thing to do. How the hell can anyone be against anti-discrimination laws? That he is done in politics is a reason for California to fucking celebrate.

DATELINE: COLORADO – An 85-year-old man was assaulted by a 52-year-old man in a parking lot at a McDonalds. The reason for the long-running disagreement between the two? A fucking parking space. The older dude ALWAYS parked there, the younger one wanted the place. These are supposed grown fucking adults, mature people, the source of sober second thought for a fucking community, and they are fighting over a parking space? At a McDonalds? Neither one should go to jail. They should both be committed.

Monday, March 8, 2010

DAILY NEWS - MARCH 8th, 2010

DAILY NEWS - MARCH 8th, 2010

DATELINE: SCOTLAND – Trust the Scots to give new meaning to snow balls. It’s got to be a great fucking day when you look up and see… 235 men racing down a hill with nothing on but a pair of skis and a kilt! Yes, led across the finish line by two pipers and a drummer, also on skis, they proved there is no-one so brave as a man in a kilt. They set a new world record, made money for charity, and showed the world that the threat of skidding down a snow-covered mountain on yer bare ass is more than enough motivation to stay on your feet. Damn, I wish I had been there to see it.

DATELINE: POLAND – Yes, we have a good news story finally. In fact, this is a great news story, from something so simple as rubber boots. Town officials in Jarocin have arranged for all the students and teachers at a local school to be supplied with a pair of boots to help them get through the muck and mud of a construction site around the school. It was an investment of 20,000 zloty ($1,000), and yes, I think it was the best money ever spent. The needs of the students were paramount, and the right fucking thing was done to help them out when. How can you not like this story? And how the hell can you not totally fucking love that the money is call a zloty!! That is the coolest fucking money name ever!

DATELINE: OTTAWA – Speaking of money… The Canadian Government announced that it will no longer be printing paper money on paper. Why the hell not? There is no silver in our silver dollars, and no copper in our pennies, and no more nickel in our nickels… I have no fucking idea how come a dime is called a dime. It seems that we will be selling out to, yes, the oil companies yet again and be printing up plastic money… sort of like play money, I guess. It was only a matter of time, but they could save a hell of a lot of time and pollution by just letting us use the actual oil as currency… it could just be put into jars and traded, like clams in Fred Flintstone’s day. I guess it’s one way to get some fucking value into the damned currency.

DATELINE: COLORADO – A preschooler has been kicked out of school… a catholic school… because her parents are gay. Stating that ‘the church expects their families to live in accordance with catholic teachings’, the local priest was adamant that sinners should not be allowed into their hallowed learning halls. For starters, I fail to see how this child has sinned. Oh… wait… yes, it’s the whole sins of the father (or mother in this case) crap! Give me a fucking break. While in Rome they are dealing with literally thousands of cases of sexual abuse of children, abuse cases that were covered up in some cases for decades, AND while now being in the midst of an investigation that uncovered a fucking gay prostitution ring being run out of the Vatican, they have the unmitigated fucking gall to pass judgment. They don’t want sinners in their churches or schools? The self-righteous members of Parish counsels and other groups want only purity and sanctity among their numbers… by the time they take out the people who have used some form of birth control, have cheated on their income tax, have told a lie or, God forbid, slept out of holy wedlock, they really will diminish their numbers. Then there are those who have not gone to Confession, who have used the name of the Lord for purposes other than his praise, dared to rub elbows with people of other faiths… Damn, they will have one hell of an empty collection plate. Perhaps they should also exclude all those who cast the first stone, who judge, who exclude for stupid arrogant fucking reasons, who hate and want to teach hate… THAT’s who they should be upset about, and not some harmless preschool little girl.

DATELINE: FLORIDA – Starbucks in introducing the new Trenta, because apparently you just cannot get enough caffeine in a cup. This is their new large 31 ounce container for iced drinks… and because they just totally like to fuck with people who just want to order a damned cup of fucking coffee.

DATELINE: NIGERIA – 200 more people died today as fighting between Christians and Muslims again erupted. A holy war, you might ask? No fucking way. While under normal circumstances proving that your god is better than their god is more than enough reason to mow down women and children with machetes, this time there is more to it. Yes, the dead were mostly women and children, in the middle of the night, again… the biggest fucking threat to the globe is found in sleeping women and children. For starters, people, NO God tells a sane fucking person to kill. However, the kicker in this one is that the fighting erupted once there was and exploration for and discovery of… wait for it…. Fucking oil, the REAL almighty force that drives man these days. Now, in this light, it makes so much more fucking sense… those women and children were a HUGE fucking threat because… well…. Who needs a reason, right? More to the point, it now makes more fucking sense as to why the world is just sitting back and waiting to see who wins. Who the hell is stupid enough to go in there and stand up for what is fucking right when there are the spoils of oil sitting on the table.

DATELINE: MASSACHUSETTS – A local mortuary is trying to put a new spin on life. You gotta admire the crazy bugger for at least trying a new approach, right? With a combination of chili cook-offs, limo rides, visits by the Easter Bunny and monthly birthday parties, the guy wants to prove that the funeral home is really the center of community life, a setting for happier times. The smell of embalming fluid and carnations might be a bit of a problem, but will undoubtedly help to set the tone for the Murder Mystery Dinner and Show. Sadly, I am not making this fucking crap up.