DAILY NEWS, JANUARY 4th, 2011

DAILY NEWS, JANUARY 4th, 2011

DATELINE: HIDING IN HIS PALACE, EATING CAKE – I watched with pride in humanity when the people of Egypt assembled peacefully, made their desperation known to their government and to the world. Yes, they got off to a bumpy start, but they turned it around and did their country proud. They sang, they marched, they were effecting change in an absolutely wonderful democratic manner. The Egyptian military took a surprising, incredibly admirable position, letting them know that they would let the people speak, would not interfere, but would not allow chaos. Then, enter Mubarak’s police and ‘supporters’, some on horses, some on camels, instigating fights, injuries and deaths, detaining and harassing people, including international media. Way to go Asshole Mubarak! If there was any need for further proof that you need to go, this was it. Before some world leaders tiptoed around…. There was no ‘Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!’ moment. – like him or not, (and I wasn’t particularly a fan) but leaders like Rocket Ronnie had balls. He may not have been always right, but he had balls and his decisions were NOT based only on what would get him elected. The days of those politicians, I fear are gone… there weren’t many of them, but particularly in times of crisis, some managed to rise to the occasion. Now comes the question of how to get that bug-ass-crazy fucking asshole out of Cairo, because you know he has to go. He says he wants to go now, but if he does, there will be chaos in his country. ‘Duh, Idiot! Look out your fucking window at the chaos that is directly attributed to you and your fucking games. My prediction now – sorry, my friends to the south, but you might not like this – the president of the US is going to have to send in someone to get him the hell out of there – di-di mau. This is going to happen because the US is the one place that has the ability to go in and get him out of there alive. Obama will negotiate a place for Mubarak to live in exile, where he will not be held to account for the billions he has stolen from the people of Egypt, and regardless of what happens afterwards, the US will bear the blame for either creating a position for a new despot, or for inserting a US puppet regime. It sucks being a world power… it will suck more as other countries follow the lead set by Tunisia and Egypt, and more despot leaders fall. Empty stomachs are crying ‘enough of the fat cats’ and how the situation with Egypt is now handled will set the precedent for the ones to follow. I have to ask though, of our international leaders – what is the logic of publicly supporting despots? You knew what he was, what he was doing, and yet, because of the Suez Canal, you kissed his ass and did a whitewash job worthy of Tom Sawyer. When do we actually start to learn there is a cost for dealing with the devil, and when the bill comes due, there is never a political upside to it?

DATELINE: IN BOSTON, USING CHOWDER FOR BRAINS – Last month, Melissa Moorhouse (30) decided to take her fucking pet snake for a ride on the subway… this would be the chowder for brains part! Who the fuck takes a boa constrictor on a train ride? You think the fucking snake needs to go for a train ride? You think the people on the train with you really want to have a fucking snake slithering around their faces? I can fucking guarantee you there is NO WAY I would be on a train car with a large loose snake! I would be screaming my fucking lungs out. Somehow, though, this rocket scientist managed to ‘lose’ Penelope… she just disappeared from her perch wrapped around Moorhouse’s shoulders. How the fuck does THAT happen? The snake was gone… until yesterday when a commuter got onto the train, minding their own business, tooling around Boston when they found the fucking snake on their train car. I would have ripped through the glass window with my fingernails and been out of there in about two fucking minutes, but this rider instead contacted a train attendant, the car was taken out of service and Penelope was recovered. What I want to know is this – why the fuck was the snake not totally fucking frozen like a damned snakecicle like everything else in Boston right now? A subway ride through Boston is now off my list of ‘things I must do before I die’.

DATELINE: HIGHWAY TO HELL – A report released this week showed that, to the surprise of the British Parliamentary members, almost two million pounds ($3M USD) that was earmarked in a very well specified and dedicated portfolio for international aide, was used to help pay the costs of having the pope visit last year. Yes, they robbed from the poor to pay for the pontiff’s royal gala. According to a Dfid (Department for International Development) ‘Our contribution recognizes the Catholic Church’s role as a major provider of health and education services in developing countries’. How about asking all those millions of people in Africa about the health care thing… the ones who are dying from AIDS because of the Catholic Church’s stupid fucking rulings and condemnations regarding the use of condoms? How about asking all those students who were abused, beaten, raped by Catholic educators? There are credible, responsible groups that provide health care and education globally… so why the fuck is the church doing this? More to the point, why the hell would the richest church in the world need this money, the money meant to help poverty-stricken, starving people around the world? Maybe it’s time to tell the Pope and his Merry Men that the free fucking ride is over… at least until they clean up their own back yards and stand accountable. Otherwise, their brand of help should NOT be inflicted on those already suffering.

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 2nd, 2011

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 2nd, 2011

DATELINE: GOBBLER’S KNOB (CAUSE WHY FUCK WITH THE PLACE NAME WHEN IT IS ALREADY SO PERFECT) – Punxsutawney Phil did the smart thing today… he said we would see an early end to winter. Let me ask you this; would ANY rodent in its right mind, on the day of the worst snow storm of the new millennium, really have the fucking balls to say there will be another six weeks of winter? The stupid thing is that, up here, it doesn’t matter a flying fig what the damned rodent says… we KNOW there will be another six fucking weeks. Only 16 times since 1887 has Phil predicted an early spring. How the hell old is that fucking fleabag anyway? For the sake of regional equality, this year Shubenacadie Sam in Nova Scotia also did not see his shadow, Wiarton Willie is seeing nothing from the little coffin he was buried in last year, and Balzac Billy is still sleeping because the sun is not yet out in Alberta (although, seriously??? There are no fucking groundhogs in Alberta so I suspect he is an imposter… a fuckin gopher in groundhog clothing?)

DATELINE: STANDING IN LINE AT BORDER SECURITY – Once again, a politician (well, two in this case) opens his mouth and spews shit all for the sake of hearing his own voice and telling people what they need to fear. In a statement that truly shows the height of his intelligence, Joe Lieberman, mimicked by Senator Susan Collins of Maine, proposed that all Canadian travel to the US should not only require a passport, but should also now require a visitor’s Visa. He said it is because the border between us has miles of unprotected areas and we heathen Canadians can cross unchallenged. We can’t, but what the hell. If he bothered to check the statistics, he would know that there are more incidents of people trying to break into Canada than to break out of it… not that it matters. It’s simply a dumbass idea, wrapped in a billion fucking miles of red tape, that would kill cross-border shopping (because who the hell is going to bother with the paperwork for weeks just to go across the line to buy underwear from Target), it will severely impact the flow of goods across the border, and it will impact tourism, all at a time where none of us can really afford to be throwing a wrench into economic recovery. Do none of these assholes ever really consider what the hfuck they are proposing before they open their damned mouths?

DATELINE: THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE – A 13-year-old boy was beaten by a mob of seven other schoolmates raging in ages from 13 to 17. Think about that for a minute… what the fuck is a 17 year old doing hanging out with and beating on a 13 year old? Oh, wait… the victim was not born in the USA, so of course that is grounds to be hit, kicked, pushed into a tree, hung on a fence, chased down…. His family moved to North America to live the American dream; instead they get the new North American Nightmare. The really wonderful thing about this gaggle of fucking geniuses is that, praise the Lord and pass the fucking ego, they used their cell phones to record what they did to the boy, planning to post it on the social network. Their mouths got the best of them though, and authorities were alerted and got their hands on the video before it could be posted, but not before the boy was put through absolute hell. The videos taken show the boy screaming for help and at least one person walking by and doing nothing, not even calling 911. The 7 suspects were taken from their school classrooms in handcuffs, and are facing charges of kidnapping, aggravated assault, criminal restraint, terroristic threats, reckless endangering of another person, and conspiracy.

DATELINE: IN A HOTEL, SCREWING – Well, corkscrewing, that is. Portuguese model Renato Seabra was in a hotel in Manhattan with Carlos Castro, a TV journalist from her home land, and her companion. Things got out of hand in the hotel room, and after over an hour of being attacked and abused by Castro, Seabra felt the need to defend herself… with a corkscrew to his nuts. There is a slight bit of poetic justice in that. After shish kaballing him, she beat him with a computer monitor and stabbed him in the face. She is still held in custody, awaiting trial for second-degree murder.

DATELINE: HIDING BEHIND THE STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS – I will never understand why the fuck there is a statute of limitations where charges of sexual abuse are concerned, but it’s something that needs to be changed. It is possibly some small comfort for the many victims of Claude Foulk though that he might still face 280 years in jail. Foulk was the director of a California state mental hospital who habitually lured young men into his lair, sexually abusing them, hiding behind his title and authority. He did this for over 40 years. Despite the victims that have come forward, the only charges he faces are in regard to the ongoing sexual abuse of his own adopted son. The charges, 35 of them regarding that one victim, range from Lewd and lascivious acts on a child to sodomy by use of force. He started this particular string of abuse from the time his son was 9. Despite the fact that 11 other men have come forward with claims of abuse, none of those incidents could result in charges because of the statute of limitations. Among the list of witnesses/victims who testified against Foulk was one of his foster sons. In his defense, the jury was told the accusation against Foulk were of the same credibility of sightings of UFO’s and the Loch Ness monster. Monster? This son of a bitch was in charge, for decades, of a facility that houses men and boys who have mental issues, so one can only speculate of what happened there. The court record, though, indicates that his primary choice of targets was the foster care system, and the boys within that circle. 280 years? Not near enough for this son of a bitch. I think he needs a little cell time with a Portuguese model and her corkscrew.

DATELINE: WITH HIS HEAD IN A FOG, TOTALLY INDIFFERENT TO THE FALLOUT OF HIS SHIT-STORM -- Charlie Sheen is, again, entering rehab. This is not news. This is fucking tired. Perhaps though some other over-privileged, over-paid, over-indulged Hollywood babies will see that while they are out fucking up their own lives and doing it in grand form, there is also a huge cost to the others around them. Again, the cast and crew of Sheen’s weekly show are fucked over. They don’t get a cool $2M an episode to tuck in the bank for a rainy day… they get paid shit wages and like everyone else, they have to work their asses off to make ends meet, and now, they get an unexpected unpaid holiday while Sheen tries to get his shit together. Why the hell do the networks allow this crap? Why are ‘celebrities’ not held to account? The fucking wages for all these people, over 300 of them, should come from the money that Sheen should be penalized for every god damned week he is not able to work. In NO other industry would this be allowed to happen. In a business where the chasm between the haves and the have-nots, the stars and the peons, there needs to be more equity. If nothing else, the crews who have to work under these conditions, the constant wondering if and when they will be able to work, despite having what is supposed to be a regular job and income, should get fucking hazard pay. Grow the hell up, Sheen! You want to fuck up your life, have at it, but its time you realized that what you do, sadly, impacts a whole lot more lives than just your own. I can’t believe I would agree with Joan Rivers about anything, but yes, you are an asshole.

DAILY NEWS -- FEBRUARY 1st, 2011

DAILY NEWS -- FEBRUARY 1st, 2011


DATELINE: FROM BEHIND THE MAPLE CURTAIN – Each day, we get fucked just a little bit more by our government and government organizations, thanks to the wonderful Comrade Harper and his gang of schoolyard thugs. Of course, there is credit to share in the great clusterfuck that is becoming this country… if we had ANY opposition that was prepared to raise the level of dialogue in politics, who was prepared to make a fucking statement and stick by it, who was able to identify even ONE issue that would be an election issue and attempt to own the day, we might be better off. Instead, we are left to the whims of the CBC, who God forbid will give coverage to anything that might put Harper’s fucking troll toes to the fire. The latest development – in the interests of putting Canada right back into the fucking stone age, the CRTC ( you remember them? The ones who just two weeks ago dabbled their toes in the great idea of censoring the song Dire Straits based on ONE fucking complaint they received ) have now decided it will be okay for the two big internet providers up here to implement usage-based billing and usage caps on the internet. Some estimates say that it could increase the monthly costs of using the internet five times from what it is now, while reducing our access. The fun thing about this is that in very many parts of Canada, we have no fucking choice in what we get for internet up here… for many, there is one provider and one alone. That provider, BTW, is the same provider who brings telephones and television into our homes – which is the real reason for the change. Competition is something frowned on in Canada, especially where utilities and the ability to fuck over the home owners are concerned. So, instead of insisting that Bell and Rogers learn to compete for service like everyone else in the world, the CRTC decided in a ruling that was kept incredibly quiet until it was passed, that the competition can be squashed for the sake of these two big asshole companies. For the many millions of us who are remotely located, who for the last few years have learned about getting an education, doing business, purchasing necessities that are unavailable in the boonies by any other means, we now will learn to live without those abilities again. Bell and Rogers claim the changes are necessary to get Canadians to use the internet less… read that as stopping us from downloading from other sources that don’t pay a kickback to Rogers or Bell. What better way to ensure that we get our movies from ONLY them, our television programming from ONLY them. You use Skype? Pfffft, no, not any more, as of March 1st, because that was taking away from the money Bell made on their fucking ridiculous phone services. They have no need to compete, because they will just have the CRTC kiss their fucking asses, and we can sit back and watch while our local news services (CBC) don’t even mention the changes… oh yeah, because they are also regulated through the government and the CRTC, so we should perhaps have what we need to know filtered… God forbid they actually report anything that Harper does. We should accept that the CBC allows Harper to set the agenda both for our new and for what will be allowed as a fucking election issue. It will be much easier to control what information we have access to, what news we can see and what spin they put on it, if we are not allowed access to websites from around the world. Communication is the bane of all communist rulers. Of course their decisions will be enforced by those megalomaniacal assholes in red serge, that organization who we all KNOW cares not a flying fuck about our rights because they have tazers and big boots and are not afraid to use them. Sorry, but if this is the direction that Canadians want to take, then the sooner we become the fucking fifty-first star, the better. At least down there we would have a fucking voice. Mind you, in twenty-eight days what will it fucking matter, because all of us here, behind the fucking maple curtain, will have been rendered completely voiceless.

DATELINE: IN A OLYMPIC-SIZED RAGE – for the Vancouver 2010 Olympics, the powers-that-be decided it would be a good idea to bring in dog sleds for the visitors to experience something truly Canadian. It was great, while there were millions of visitors to the country and lots of snow on the ground… but both, shockingly, left. So, what do you do with all those sled dogs when there are no sleds to pull and no snow to pull them through? You send your employees out with guns and have them shoot them, of course. At least, that’s what Outdoor Adventures Whistler did… well, they claim they were aware the dogs were to be euthanized… ‘in a proper, legal and humane manner.’ What a load of fucking horse crap! They are trying to dump this on the employees, claiming no responsibility for themselves, yet they were the ones who ordered that 100 young, healthy, beautiful working dogs be executed for the company’s mismanagement. How did we learn about this? About the dogs that had to be shot several times, that ran around with half their faces shot off while the employees tried to get a kill shot in on a frantic moving relatively small animal and about the mass grave, and about the animals that were tossed into the grave, believed dead, but only to start climbing back out again in an attempt to save their lives? One of the employees was so traumatized by the assignment handed to him by his employer that he had to file a Workers Compensation Claim for PTSD, and that was turned over to police for investigation. Outdoor Adventures Whistler said they have already paid compensation for the PTSD – but then how the hell can they now claim they had no idea of how the dogs were disposed of if that was the case? And if there was compensation paid because of this, that means the company was already involved in an investigation and the issue of culpability has been address, because otherwise there would have been no need for compensation, so how then could they now blame their employee? However, they have now implemented a new company policy that requires dogs to be destroyed in a vet clinic… whoop de fucking dooo. The company, and its principals, should not be allowed anywhere near another living animal again.

DATELINE: ON THE HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER ZONE – Perhaps that should be the dangerously ridiculous zone? Once again, while reporting news regarding China’s air force, China Central Television substituted footage from the movie Top Gun for the real shit that was happening. They claimed it was footage of a live-fire exercise, reported with great pride that all targets had been hit… they just neglected to add that it had been Maverick and Goose doing the shooting. Apparently this is common practice though, with the Chinese television station, although it is uncommon for them to pay the copyright royalties for the use of the footage. Fuck, I bet Jean Cretien is kicking his ass for not thinking of this… and now that the news is out, I suspect this is something that Steven Harper, the CBC and the CRTC will embrace lovingly!

DAILY NEWS – JANUARY 31st, 2011

DAILY NEWS – JANUARY 31st, 2011

DATELINE: ROLLING IN GOLD IN THE MONEY VAULT – It’s Monday, so let’s speak of people getting fucked over… how the hell does it feel to know that Lloyd Blankfein, chief executive of Goldman Sachs, has seen a 42% boost in his bonus this year…. as well as seeing his salary tripled. In case there is ANYONE out there who has not suffered from the economic downturn, I should remind you that the bank itself saw profits fall 38% in the last year, but somehow, some way, they managed to bump this fucking asshole’s pay from $600,000 a year to a nice round $2M… why the fuck screw around with those uneven numbers! He was also awarded $12.9M in shares, almost doubling what his bonus was last year. You see, it seems that those fucking bankers consider a $600,000 to be too low for a yearly income. So thinks Vikram Pandit, the chief executive of Citigroup, who also got a $1,749,999 raise this year. At what point did they become worth even one fucking cent more than everyone else in the world, especially since the rest of the population didn’t get a nice bailout from the government? It’s long overdue that these fucking assholes be held to account… because we all known god damned well whose tables were robbed to fatten these already fat fat-cats.


DATELINE: LIVING IN A DISPOSABLE WORLD – That’s what it feels like these days, even, apparently, when it comes to our own children if you are Julie K Schenecker of Tampa, Florida. She was taking her 13 year old son Beau to soccer practice, something mom’s have been doing every day for a long time. She however, decided to shoot him enroute. What? She keeps a fucking gun in her car in case the kid gets mouthy? She plugged him, drove home, and parked the fuckin vehicle in the garage while she went upstairs to shoot her 16 year old daughter Calyx as she worked on her computer in her bedroom. Schenecker then went and sat on the back steps, covered in the blood of her babies. Her mother says she is depressed. When the fuck did that become acceptable? When the hell did it even remotely become excusable that we just pick up a fucking gun and pop a hole in our own children? They were mouthy? Find me a fucking teen who is NOT mouthy! If this woman had medical issues that might contribute to her not being able to make sound decisions, what the fuck was she doing in the same house with her kids? If there were issues as to stability, who the hell gave her a fucking gun? Someone has to be held to account for this – those two stolen lives demand that.

DATELINE: HIDING BEHIND THE LAW – I love that I live in a country that recognizes that people have the right of due process when accused of a crime. I hate how those rights are fucked with and twisted. In the wake of the fall of the Tunisian government under Zine al-Abedine Ben Ali, his big brother Belhassen Trabelsi has come running to Canada to seek refuge. The billionaire had already secured permanent residency status in Canada, and when the walls came tumbling down in the country he and his brother had already fucked up, he came running here with his wife, children and nanny. Tunisia considers him a criminal, wants him back to stand trial, as he should. Canada, however, has said that now he is here, he is entitled to the full process of the law, he is entitled to present and plead his case for asylum here, and that should he be found to be returnable, we will extradite him… in about ten years when he has exhausted his legal options and appeals. Here is the part that fucking burns my ass… here he is entitled to due process. I, however, am not if I happen to have one drink with my dinner, or have someone in my vehicle who had a drink, and we get stopped. Don’t get me wrong – I in no way advocate drinking and driving in ANY way, but I do embrace the fact that all of us have the right of due process, because, well… let’s face it, our cops here are definitely NOT a paragon of virtues and sound judgments. Just the smell of alcohol is enough to allow the police to impound my vehicle and take my drivers license for up to 90 days, without me having any recourse. I have no option of a court appearance, no option of fighting it, no way to get the ruling overturned… it is one hundred percent arbitrarily decided by the cop on the side of the road and what the hell his mood might be at the time. You gotta love a country that busts its fucking ass and spends millions of dollars protecting the rights of wanted criminals, while totally fucking over the rest of us. I guess someone has to pay for these fucking assholes to hide here though.

DATELINE: IN A CLOUDBURST OF CANNIBIS – Picture it; standing there in sunny Arizona, admiring the cactuses and lizards, when something slams into the back of your head. You turn around, look down, and find a fucking bale of weed at your feet, the ultimate pain killer for that pounding headache you now have. Only a fairy tale, you say? Hell no, not anymore. Forsaking the passé drug mule, planes and boats, traffickers in Sonora, Mexico have now returned to basics, using catapults to fling their drugs over the border into the US. They have built them on trailers, so they are totally mobile systems, allowing them to shoot 2 kilos of grass at a time. Can bigger versions of this delivery system be far behind? Perhaps we should expect circus cannons to line the borders next, offering affordable flights to the Promised Land? One has to wonder if the same would work in colder climates, perhaps sending washed-up reality television stars cum tea grannies from Alaska to Russia.

SUNDAY SERMON with The Rever-end Dillinger Flakewaiter

SUNDAY SERMON


Every Valley Shall be Exhalted, Every Mountain and Hill Made Low.

Have you ever sung the song, my children? Have you hopped in the car of your souls and driven through the valleys, over the mountains, watched as the Lord made the Hills low? Easy enough, I suppose, to drive through a valley or a mountain. Then there is that Hill Made Low! Why is the Hill Low, children? Our Lord made it so to help us all; of this there is no doubt. So why do we go in search of pain, trouble, torture, ill health, ill wealth? A few of the things that we lust for, right kiddos?

One time long, long ago I walked into a bar. This place of peace, of joy, of the love of mankind's sawdust filled escapades was where your good reverend indeed belonged. I had found a man who, when asked where was the worst dump around, answered me so: 'Just down the street, asshole. Ya can't fucking miss it!', to which I responded with quick thanks and a hearty high ho silver.

I sat gently in the corner of this dark abyss. I nurtured four fingers of the best they could find. Of course I had hammered one or two quickly then, as I said, settled in to await a victim. I did not have to wait for long.

'Hey Mister, ya wanna fuck fer a beer?' The first words I heard out of Wanda's lips. A fine woman. Tall, yet well rounded, teeth of an elderly mule. Yes a true beauty for a man such as I was.

'Of course I do, dear heart.' Even then I spoke often with the Lord's love in my heart. We sat for some time drinking. Soft, fine converstation distilled only on occasion by the thud of some poor man hitting the sawdust.

It was then that our Heavenly Father spoke directly to my heart. It was then that I rose, looked down on fair Wanda and asked her if she believed He made Every Hill Low?

'Christ almighty man, every slut in the barrio knows that. Damn you are some idiot mister!' Like I said -- she spoke to me as the angel of our Lord -- 'you wanna fuck for a beer?'

'Silly lady,' I replied. 'We have already spoken from our hearts. You have already partaken of many. The libidinous spirit speaks strongly, firmly from your soul. I do believe you have the Lord God of Hosts deep within your loins.'

To which she replied, 'fucking right I do, He gave me his love and a six pack. Hell of a fella, that God man.'

'Wanda, he truly found the Hills Made Low by our Father.'

With this in mind we entered into our contract.

Fullfilled, I walked the warmly lit streets of my heart. I had found through the love of our Lord that indeed all Hills had been Made Low.

####

With this love of your Lord, go now into the streets, sing the song of His Love, breath the fresh air, do not worry but walk in the Hills that He made Low so that you can find your way through the Barrio and into God's joint.

Love the Right Reverend D. Flakewaiter

JANUARY 22nd, 2011 -- ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

JANUARY 22nd, 2011 – ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DATELINE: TEACHING EM YOUNG TO BOOM-CHAKA-CHAKA – What do you do when you have no plot, no writing and apparently no budget to produce a real crappy show? You have 16-year-olds strip down to almost nothing, snort a few lines, and go down on each other for the camera. You then change the name of it from Child Exploitation and Pornography to Skins and claim it is just portraying an accurate picture of life as a teenager and pulling in the money doing it, because there is nothing that appeals to a whole lot of sick handy-wankers than watching a show with naked kids. I can only imagine how long it will be before this is picked up as a regular staple for Vatican TV, because while the producers of this crap claim it ‘is a show that addresses real-world issues confronting teens in a frank way’, it is going to give total thrilly-chills to asshole pedophiles. It also really doesn’t do a heck of a lot to help parents who actually do try to teach their children that this fucked-up crap is neither glamorous or the right way to be popular, and can fuck up their lives. It’s a bit of a hard sell when the kids used on the show are raking in the cash for doing it.

DATELINE: HANDING OUT THE CRYING TOWELS – Camille Grammer could hardly make it though the season finally of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – imagine my pain at that fucking news. How the hell does this shit even get to be a real television program? Anyways, she cried her way through it, totally brokenhearted over her failed marriage with Kelsey Grammer. You wanna know how to be less humiliated, Camille? Do it like everyone else in the REAL fucking world has to do it, suck it up and quietly get on with the rest of your life. You are not the first person in the world to be married to a bastard, you will not be the last… but seriously honey, you are adding one hell of a lot of fuel to your ex’s fire as to why the hell he ditched you. Show some class… keep the details to yourself, because quite frankly, your melodramatic over-elitist privileged whining is just getting fucking annoying.

DATELINE: HEAVING A HUGE FUCKING SIGH OF RELIEF – You won’t believe it! Madonna and Prince no longer dislike each other!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEE. I have only one question… why the fuck is this considered news? This is kindergarten bullshit. They had a fight, they took some shots at each other in public over the last many years… all of it the result of unrequited love no doubt. I have a great idea for you both… Put it in a fucking song, then record the song, then sell the fucking recordings, then donate the money so that in some way this can have some significance to real fucking shit that is happening in the world. Now, if we can only get Piers Morgan to love Madonna again, so she can be on his new CNN show, the world will be positively perfect! It could be a bit of a tall order though, what with the ‘bread roll throwing incident in London’, the Canes Film Festival ‘involving a photographer and a bodyguard’ and the ‘pub’ incident. Add to that the ‘crime’ of Piers getting scooped on the Madonna pregnancy thing. Piers, sweetheart, it was Madonna the performer who was pregnant, not the real Madonna, so who gives a flying fuck if she was knocked up. ‘A series of crimes’? Give me a fucking break. It would be interesting to see how the hell these fucking idiots would manage with real fucking issues to deal with, especially without the media helping them to play them out. You are not going to find sympathy or understanding here, babies… so all of you should just grow the fuck up.

DATELINE: ROLLING UP THE RED CARPET – Ricky Gervais made some offending comments at the Golden Globes last Sunday? Well, thank Christ, because that means we do not have to go through the endless bullshit of who wore what, who looked like a whore, who spent the most money on their shoes and hair pins. For days after these events we are usually inundated with nothing that has to do with the actual awards, the work done by the actors, writers, producers, but rather who bought the prettiest fucking dress. Well, this time, at least it’s not the dress, but rather the pot shots taken at Charlie Sheen, Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp, Bruce Willis and Robert Downey Jr. Come on, people… you want to live your lives in the spotlight, then put on some big kid pants and suck it up. God knows you make more money than fucking God for what you do, so call this a little bit of the dues you get to pay.

DAILY NEWS -- January 21st, 2011

DAILY NEWS -- January 21st, 2011

DATELINE: STANDING OUTSIDE THE VATICAN ‘GLASS HOUSE’ – If this wasn’t so fucking sad it would be hilarious. I’ll take Most Idiotically Moronically Hypocritical Comment of the Fucking Millennium’ for $2000, please, Alex. WOO HOO!!! It’s the fucking Double Jeopardy selection. The answer is… "The Church urges and invites everyone, especially those who hold a position of public responsibility [...] to commit themselves to a more robust morality, a sense of justice and legality,". The answer, Alex is, yet another piece of evidence that shows the Catholic Church has its collective heads up its ass. The statement was delivered by Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, speaking out on the Vatican’s position regarding Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s current sex scandal. I am sorry, but is it only me that sees a problem in the catholic church criticizing anyone in regard to sexual activity and the legalities thereof? The church urges a more robust morality? How the fuck would they even know what morals are? How the hell do robust morals, or a sense of justice and legality apply to the repeated, covered-up, practically encouraged raping and abusing of children by catholic priests? The statement was delivered on behalf of the Holy See. Perhaps what the Holy See needs is a house of mirrors, not glass, so they can get some fucking perspective of their absolute undeniable sense of privilege and superiority. How about when they get their own fucking back yard cleaned up, then they start preaching to the rest of the world. Until then, they should just sit the fuck down and shut up, safely entrenched in their ongoing rendition of Sodom and Gomorrah right there in Vatican City.

DATELINE: IN THE DICTIONARY, DEFINING ‘STUPID’ – Cathy Cruz Marrero went on to Good Morning America to plead her case in preparation of her legal suite against a mall in Reading, Pa. Up until yesterday, no one had a fucking clue who she was, and probably didn’t give a damn. Her story is that on Wednesday last week, she was walking through the mall while texting, and while totally absorbed in texting her date of birth to the church – why we need to know this is really a bit beyond me – she didn’t see the giant fucking reflecting fountain in the middle of the place, and she walked right into it, falling face-first into the water. I defy anyone to see that and not fucking laugh, and why the hell not? She jumped up, jumped out of the water and took off through the mall. Now she is complaining that no one helped her, but watch the fucking video (which has now gone viral on YouTube) – there is no one around her to help. If she hadn’t jumped up and run out, I imagine people might have gone to her aid, but she jumped right back up and out. She then claims that she contacted Mall Security the next day, on Thursday, to complain, wanting to know why they didn’t help her, and why they didn’t contact her to apologize for what happened. How the fuck would they know who to phone to apologize, and what the fuck were they supposed to apologize for? She said that she didn’t want her identity known and didn’t want people to see what happened because she was embarrassed – so far the only thing to come out of her mouth that makes sense. The security person she talked to said that was understandable and would try to take drastic measures. The thing is, she said she didn’t know anything about the video until Friday when her nephew called. If store security released the video, they fucked up. BUT if Cathy Cruz Marrero did not want to be on public display, did not want to have her name out there for the world to see, did not want to be ridiculed, then what the fuck was she doing going on national television? She walked into the fucking fountain while texting and I am sorry but considering she was not hurt at all, it was totally dumbass fucking funny. Ms. Cathy Cruz Marrero who does not want people to know who she is should pull on some fucking big girl panties, have a fucking laugh quietly with the absolutely miniscule number of people who would have known it was her, and gotten on with her life instead of wanting to sue someone else for her fucking stupidity.

DATELINE: ON THE FOOT-IN-MOUTH WARD, RIGHT BESIDE SARAH PALIN – Tennessee Democrat Representative Steve Cohen has done his job, if his job was to prove that stupidity is truly, undeniably, and once again proven beyond a shadow of a doubt to be non-partisan. Apparently the call for all politicians to take a step back from the fucking bullshit comments weren’t heard by him, or he thought perhaps they didn’t apply to him, especially when he opened up his mouth to make a comparison between the GOP’s position on healthcare and their efforts to pass legislation to the workings of Joseph Goebbels in his attempts to disparage the Jews in Germany. Think about that for a minute. Less than a week after Sarah Palin is on the mat for comparing her self-perceived political persecution to a blood-libel, this asshole again invokes a comparison absolutely totally reprehensible and inappropriate to civilized society… even if that civilized society is the uncivilized members of the two political parties. "Just like Goebbels, you say it enough, you repeat the lie, you repeat the lie, you repeat the lie, and eventually people believe it, the Germans said enough about the Jews and the people believed it and you had the Holocaust." After the fact, he said his comments were taken out of context, that he did not intend to offend and that the comparison was regarding tactics, not people. Well, whoop-de-fucking-doo! Perhaps a little crash course in what things were like back then, perhaps some perspective on how this ‘end of the world’ issue is absolutely NOTHING compared to what was happening back then, because quite honestly the asinine fucking comments coming from politicians who believe their voice is the only right voice, their thoughts are the only logical thoughts and their issues are the only issues that should matter to the world, are getting fucking tired.

DATELINE: ON THE BRINK OF EXTINCTION – In the last year, in just the country of South Africa, 333 rhinos were killed. Of these, 10 were critically endangered Black Rhinos, of which there are only 4000 left in the world. The number of rhinos killed is triple what it was last year, and the tactics used now are drastically different. These high-tech poachers are using helicopters, night-vision goggles, tranquilizers and silencers to kill the rhinos at night, when it is almost impossible for them to be stopped. Here are some quick little tidbits for consideration: There are less than 4000 black rhinos left in the world and they are very slow to reach sexual maturity and reproduce; When Rhinos are poached, the only thing taken is the horn, which is hacked off, leaving the rest of the carcass to rot (the same applies for elephants which are poached for their ivory tusks). The reason for the increase? Well, up until now, thanks to the many-times debunked theories of Chinese medicine regarding the product, the horn of the rhino has been ground down and used to cure fever, gout, headaches, vomiting, and... wait for this one... ‘devil possession’. Yes, instead of some holy water, they kill rhinos for this. But now, some genius practitioner of Chinese medicine has decided that the ground up horn can also cure cancer... a claim that has very clearly, very positively been proven wrong many times. Rhino horn sells for from $21,000 to $54,000 per kilogram (2 pounds). I have a plan for curing the problem of poaching. You take any poacher caught, anyone caught in possession of the illegal horns, anyone caught selling them, transporting them or using them, and you take one of those nice knives they use, and fucking go for the gusto, whacking off their fucking horns just like they did to the animals, without the benefit of any tranquilizers or anything else... then just leave em laying there to die. If that happened once or twice, perhaps people will think a bit before they go out on illegal safari.