DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 27th, 2010
DATELINE: MASSACHUSETTS – We can all breathe that massive fucking sigh of relief. The question that has totally haunted us for decades has been answered. On Carly Simon’s newest release of You’re So Vain, it is believed she reveals just who the song was written about... Yes, he should have believed that song was about him, about him, about him. She whispers a name while singing, and IF you listen to the album backwards, it is supposed to be the name David. So tell me... who the fuck really listens to a record backward and who has a life so fucking pathetic as to sit there and even try?
DATELINE: CALIFORNIA – Octomom has said that she will not rule out having more children. 14 lives aren’t enough to fucking ruin with that horse and pony show that is her life?
DATELINE: VANCOUVER – I have remained silent this long, but no more. Olympic clothing – the reason I am NOT an Olympic athlete is because I would have to wear one of those stupid fucking toques. The American Arial team looked like they showed up in the Star Spangled Jammies, and DO NOT get me started on those wonderful crack-induced pants of the Norway Curling team. I think that ALL men on every Olympic team should have to wear the same outfits that the speed skaters wear! Talk about full disclosure. Those guys have no secrets.
DATELINE: FLORIDA – What do AT&T, Accenture and Gatorade all have in common now? They all dropped Tiger like he was a hot poker. Gillette and Tag Heure have also distanced themselves from the golfing great, and GM has decided that Tiger needs no more free access to their vehicles – okay, that one could be because he wrapped the last one around a fucking tree. It would seem that Tiger Woods has the most expensive case of raging hormones ever, because so far it would seem that his ‘misplaced putter’ incidents have cost him an estimated $12B in lost endorsements.
DATELINE: DALLAS – A 1939 Batman comic sold for $1.075M this week. What the fuck??? It’s a COMIC BOOK. It can’t feed starving children or end world poverty. For the love of all that is fucking holy, it’s A COMIC BOOK.
DATELINE: NEVADA – According to an MSNBC poll (and they are NEVER wrong) Las Vegas has been declared the city with the worst BO in all of the United States. Apparently they do not sell deodorant there? I cannot even begin to imagine the fucking criteria for this one, but am thankful that I was not the one who had to travel the continent smelling people’s pits. Other finalists, in ascending order, were Yuma, San Antonio, New Orleans, Chicago, Phoenix and Houston. This takes a lot of ‘Must See’ places off my travel list.
With Carly Simon -- isn't it a bit late to really care?
ReplyDeleteOctoMom. hold her down and fill her up with hydraulic concrete.