DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 26th, 2010

DAILY NEWS - February 26th, 2010

DATELINE: GEORGIA – a recalled 2009 Toyota Corolla, while stopped to pick up a passenger, suddenly accelerated and crashed through the front wall of a house. The driver said that she had her foot on the brake but it was like someone had just stomped down on the accelerator. Yes, that sounds like a sicky fucking gas pedal to me... again. Or perhaps it’s the ghost of Henry Ford? How many more times is this going to happen before Toyota actually gets off their fucking asses and does something to help the people who are stuck with this rolling fucking widow- (or, in the case of the poor house that was hit – window-) makers. Toyota – Moving Forward. The gold medal in taking a fucking slogan to god damned far goes to Toyota.

DATELINE: ANTARCTICA – A giant 780 billion tonne iceberg hit a glacier and broke of a chunk of ice, creating a new 635 billion tonne burg. Scientists see this as a huge problem because these two icebergs will interrupt the flow of water and oxygen and could in fact result in ocean life dying. I say – Let’s fucking party! Margarita time... on the rocks. We will take care of the fucking problem, get the oxygen moving back in the ocean, and have one hell of a good time in the process.

DATELINE: CALGARY – A woman was found dead in her home, apparently a suicide. Tragic enough. However, when her family went to clean up, they went looking for the source of a lingering smell in the house, and found the remains of a dead baby in a suitcase... then another... in a box... then another. Not found was the toddler child, who is still missing in this. The father, however, said that he told the woman to have an abortion, thought she went to the appointment, and never realized she had the babies, triplets, at home. Autopsies show that they babies did in fact live, breathe, but there is no cause of death available yet. There is no cause of death known yet for the mother either. The father claimed that they had no idea what caused the smell in the house for the last three or four months – yes, three or four fucking months – but they used a lot of air freshener to try and get rid of it. Sorry, folks, but if there aren’t a billion fucking alarms going off in some cop’s head, we have a HUGE problem here.

DATELINE: NEW YORK – AIG has posted a $9B loss this last quarter, higher than what was expected. This would be the same AIG that received $170B in bailout money, and then, in March, was getting ready to pay out $1B in bonuses to managers and executives? It’s so fucking comforting to know that, while the rest of us are destroyed by the fucking economy, while real people throughout the continent lose their houses and their jobs and their fucking lives, AIG execs are on the fucking job.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – Let’s give Jacques Rogge more ammunition to exclude a woman’s event from the Olympics – like Ladies Ski Jumping – which for some unknown fucking reason is NOT a sport but Men’s Ski Jumping is. Last night the Canada Women’s Hockey Team won a gold medal, literally hours after Rogge sounded off about how the event only has one more chance to improve the level of competition and then it will be scrapped. It was a pretty damning and a fucking ignorant position for the president of the IOC to take, considering that the whole premise of the fucking games is equality and inclusion, but considering the entire attitude of the IOC about such things, it was not entirely surprising. So, after the victory last night, the ladies of the Canadian Team returned to the ice, this time with beer, champagne and cigars. Was this a stupid thing to do? Yes. Is it a fucking earth-stopping thing? To be honest, after listening to that fucking airbag spew his sexist crap yet again, I might also have been inclined to take a ‘fuck you, rogge’ (figuratively, of course – not literally.. ewwwwwwww) attitude. Perhaps if he would just pull the fucking Olympic torch out of his ass and chill out about, and let the fucking athletes do their thing without all the other crap he spews on them, some of this shit wouldn’t happen, and much of it would not be so fucking blown out of proportion. Ladies of the Rink, from all nations, congratulations on a great showing for all of you. You are all champions.