DAILYNEWS - FEBRUARY 1st, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 1st, 2010

DATELINE: HAITI – 33 Haitian children were found in a bus being taken from their country across the border to the Dominican Republic by a group of ‘helpful Christians’ from The New Life Refuge in Idaho. There were no papers for these children, and despite the claims of these ‘helpful Christians’ that they were taking these children from an established orphanage to help them, at least 10 of the children, ranging up to 12 years old, were not in any orphanage and in fact have living parents in Haiti. I am not sure if the people from The New Life Refuge are fucking criminal or just criminally stupid. These people in Haiti have been through enough fucking bullshit, people. Get yer shit together, stop lining your pockets and if you don’t have a fucking clue in the closet of what to do to help, then just get the fuck out of the way and let real people get the fucking job done.

DATELINE: MALAYSIA – Picture it... a woman walks into her home, sees her hubby standing there in his fucking y-fronts, his girlfriend standing there in her sarong. Wife blows a fucking gasket (justifiably so) and lays an official complaint. Hubby and girlfriend, despite their pleas of just being ‘good friends’... LMFAO, like THAT is gonna work... are found guilty of ‘having an extra-marital affair’. Holy crap... could you imagine if that was a law here in fucking North America? The jails would be filled with politicians, actors and athletes. They would have to create an Oval Office Cell... that would be fun. Oh, and the fine in Malaysia for slipping yer putter in the wrong bag (*wink wink to Tiger*) is four buffalo and a pig.

DATELINE: ENGLAND – Moobs! Yes, they are in the news and it’s about fucking time. Who don’t love to see a little jiggle action on a speedo-wearing beach bum? Moob reduction is the fastest growing (LMFAO) cosmetic procedure, up 80% in just one year. No worries, though, all you fucking jerks who watch a chick’s chest when she’s walking, supposedly because you think we have woofers in our tits; breast implants still top the overall list of all plastic surgeries.

DATELINE: INDONESIA – A 9-year-old buy was facing charges of ‘Serious abuse’ because he put a bee on another girl’s cheek, and the bee stung her. Seriously, this went to fucking court, and the penalty COULD have been three fucking years in jail... in an adult jail because, despite being a signatory on the UN Convention of the Rights of a Child that prohibits this, in Indonesia they just don’t give a shit. You gotta love that level of hypocrisy that only fucking governments can achieve. You also gotta love the fact that up here, you could be 18 and deliberately set out to beat, rape and murder someone and end up getting 18 months in jail, with 1/3 off for good behaviour. Is there common fucking sense used in ANY god damned judicial system in this world? The judge threw the charge out, stating he could not believe it was even laid. Maybe there is some fucking hope?

DATELINE: MOSCOW – Happy Birthday to McDonalds in Russia.... 20 years of fucking artery clogging and growing every day.

DATELINE: IRAQ – Muntadar al-Zaidi, the famous ‘Shoe Thrower’ of Bush fame (my god, I love this guy and his wicked fucking aim!) has been released from jail. He claims however that throughout his stay in jail, he was exposed to regular beatings, whippings, electric shock and simulated drownings for his crime. He threw a fucking shoe! He threw it at George Bush! He should be getting medals for what he did. The crazy thing... they let him out early on good behaviour, so what the fuck were the beatings about?

DATELINE: LOS ANGELES -- The Grammies were last night. Whoop-de-fucking-do. Just another reason for the beautiful fucking people to buy another exclusive $28,000 fucking gown and pat themselves on the back. These people must have fucking rubber arms. Neil Young won his first Grammy – it’s about fucking time. But what the hell was that thing with Sir Elton and Lady Gaga? I guess as far as royalty goes, this might work, although they could consider washing all that crap off their faces. The glasses were a nice touch... that way I didn’t have to watch that fucking Sir Elton does with his right eyebrow... it drives me fucking nuts when he sings and I have to watch him. And what the fuck was that thing Pink was wearing?? I gotta get me one of them for the next time I need to be lowered into a fucking bathtub!