DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 6th, 2010
DATELINE: LOS ANGELES – Actor Charlie Sheen’s Mercedes was reported stolen and later found crashed at the bottom of a ravine with no one in or around it. Holy Crap! This is fucking news, worthy of dozens of stories on the internet? People, get a fucking life! I had a chainsaw stolen from my woodshed. Does anyone give a flying crap about that?
DATELINE: AUSTRALIA – A judge has ruled that the hit singing group Men Down Under ‘plagiarised’ in their 1983 song Down Under. A whole fucking nanosecond of a flute riff sounds sort of like the melody of Kookaburra Sits in the Old Gum Tree. The song has been around since 1983! For the love of all that is fucking holy! I was actually stupid enough to fucking sit and listen to the two clips about ten damned times to try and figure out what the hell they were talking about. My ruling? The fucking Koo-Koo Burra was sitting behind a Courtroom Bench.
DATELINE: MIAME – WHOOT!!! It’s Superbowl day. I am so fucking excited I can hardly contain myself. *insert rolling eyeballs here* It’s a fucking game... yes, one worth billions of dollars, probably enough to put one hell of a dent into the national deficit, or enough to help rebuild all of New Orleans, or enough to even make a difference in Haiti. Instead, though, let’s just sit and talk about the fucking commercials and who is making the money. Pretty soon, they will just interrupt the commercials with highlights of the fucking game.
DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD – Mel, Mel, Mel... As if calling a television interviewer an ‘asshole’ wasn’t enough for good old 'what-the-hell' Mel Gibson (please note the Sarah Palin lingo here), and then claiming he was talking to the publicist in the room with him, it has now come to light there was no publicist with him. In a second interview that aired earlier, Mel had taken the same totally fucking crazed stance and wacked-out cartoon wide-eyed confrontation expression when asked the very legitimate question of how he will be perceived and received in his new movie after his long hiatus. Mel, hon, you are an asshole... hate-filled, hypocritical asshole and NO, I do NOT ‘have a dog in this fight’. I just have no fucking use for badly-behaving hate-filled hypocritical assholes.
DATELINE: CONNECTICUT – A totally pissed Rip Torn was arrested after breaking into a bank that looked like a house. It was night, he was pissed, the bank looked like a house... all totally fucking understandable. When the police arrived, they found him wandering around with the ‘barn door open’ and a gun in his hand. When they arrested him, it is rumoured that Rip thought someone had broken into HIS house. Way to go, Rip. Gives new meaning to being ripped. Good thing everyone in Salisbury loves Rip. Anywhere else, anyone else, any other color... he would have been tazered and locked away for ten years. Nothing like that famous eccentric double fucking standard.
DATELINE: NORTH CAROLINA – A judge has ordered John Edwards former aide, Andrew Young, to turn over the sex tapes involving the Presidential wanna-be. Young, in his quest to reveal the true John Edwards as a conniving liar, will be found in contempt of court if he does not comply by Wednesday. You gotta love a guy like Young, who sees a sleaze-ball power hungry prick and decides that, being a sleaze-ball money hungry prick himself, he should make the public aware of the sins of the Senator. It is probably a tad too fucking late to take that moral high road.
DATELINE:NASHVILLE -- It's Sarah Palin's day to shine at the Tea Party Convention. Quick.. I think I need a fucking drink -- something WAY stronger than fucking tea -- if I am gonna have to listen to her momsy homsey chatty bullshit crap. Oh that it had been true that she was giving up her life on the fucking political stage. On the good side... time to set the TiVo to catch Saturday Night Live.
This just has to make you want to be one of the famous people of the world - wait, you're not ready to take such a reduction in brains?
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