DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 19th, 2010

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 19th, 2010

DATELINE: FLORIDA – Tiger Woods told his tiny collection of silent adoring reports that he was sorry. It was what was on the teleprompter and what crossed his fucking lips. It was no in his eyes, his face, or his heart. Mostly he was apologizing to his bank account. Why the fuck did anyone bother to carry this tripe in the first place? The arrogant control-freak got away with it, and will do it again, because he is Tiger Woods. Hopefully next time the media will give him his true due.

DATELINE: TORONTO – While driving to the dentist, Gordon Lightfoot heard the radio announcement that he was dead. Hell of a way to get out of a fucking dentist appointment! And what do ya know? The old guy still has his own teeth! Totally fucking awesome, Gord. Glad the reports were wrong... now sing us a song (please).

DATELINE: ARKANSAS – Ya know, it just wouldn’t be a good day without a Toyota recall or Sarah Palin to blog about. Okay, everyone, get out your pens and prepare your hands to take notes, cause you don’t want to miss this one. She is offering advice to the new Tea Party... in that special way only Palin has – you know, the way that makes absolutely no fucking sense. “Now the smart thing will be for independents who are such a part of this tea party movement to, I guess, kind of start picking a party.” Because I already have a fucking headache, I will let you try to figure that out yourselves... and thank god the grammar police are not storming the fucking blog. But then, comes this... “Which party reflects how that smaller, smarter government steps to be taken? Which party will best fit you? And then because the Tea Party Movements is not a party and we have a two-party system, they’re going to have to pick a party and run one of the other: ‘R’ or ‘D’.” First...the smarter government will be anyone that stays totally fucking clear of Sarah Palin. This chick is totally nucking futs. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a party to dress for. Which to wear? Hmmmmm, i hate these hard fucking decisions. Do I go with the red dress or the blue dress?

DATELINE: TORONTO – The cover of the latest Catholic Register slams Michael Ignatieff and his position that contraception and abortion be included as basic components of foreign aid in order to help mothers and babies. For starters, the Catholic Church taking ANY position of criticism about ANYTHING regarding sex is opening up the largest can of hypocritical fucking worms imaginable. You guys all apparently chose to sometimes be celibate when it suits you, so stay the hell out of everyone else’s sexual business. The supplying of condoms is about much more than fucking procreation – it’s about helping to control the spread of STD’s that are destroying so many nations. And while I am not a personal supporter of abortions as a means of birth control, there are situations where it is necessary to save a woman’s life, so blanket statements made by these assholes in their ivory white towers with the stained glass windows and their porn mags tucked under their mattresses are nothing but counterproductive babble that serve only the purpose of keeping women under control and depriving them of the rights to take care of their body. It also clearly states that women are unable to make sound decisions regarding their sexuality and so guidance from a bunch of power-lusting men is the only way to do it. God forbid we give these people some knowledge, some tools to make decisions, some options for their own lives other than to poop out a baby every 12 fucking months when they can't manage to put food on the table for even one. These women have a right to NOT have to be babymachines and they have a right to not wake up every fucking morning and wondering how many of her seven children will she be able to tend with no food and much sickness in all of them. Viva la discrimination and oppression of women at the hands of the clergy one more time. The church needs to stay the fuck out of politics, especially until they start paying fucking taxes like the rest of us.

DATELINE: AUSTRALIA – They have discovered a new weapon to use against the invasion of the Cane Toad in this country – cat food. These disgusting frogs were brought in to the country to help control beetles in the sugar cane, but the experiment was a huge fucking failure when the toads adapted, were unable to be kept under control by predators and began to compete with every other species there. In fact, these little buggers have helped land several other species on the endangered list, and so they have to be taken care of. Aussies have tried killing them with cricket bats and golf clubs (oh, a new career for Tiger, perhaps), but nothing made a difference in the numbers. Enter the Meat Ants. These are some nasty looking fuckers!! They run to get the cat food, find the baby frogs and eat them to death. Of course now there are complaints that the means of getting rid of the toads is inhumane... because beating em on the head with a nine-iron was a sign of fucking love??

DATELINE: ATLANTA – A zebra was seen running through the streets of the city, with police cruisers in hot pursuit. The animal had gotten spooked and ran from its trainer with the visiting circus. Hard to believe that six police card with sirens blaring would not help to calm the poor critter. They finally got it cornered and the trainer was able to catch her and settle her down. Thank God the Atlanta police don’t adhere to the RCMP Policy of ‘taser the crap out of it and ask questions later’ – roasted fucking zebra, anyone?