DAILY NEWS - MARCH 1st, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 1st, 2010

DATELINE: SACRAMENTO – The State Assembly has passed a resolution that the first week of March will be ‘Cuss Free Week’. Holy Crap! I hope this means I can cuss as much as I fucking like, or else I might have to take California off my road-trip list for March.

DATELINE: SYDNEY – Over 5000 people stripped and posed on the steps of the Sydney Opera House. Gives new fucking meaning to group hug… and to “I hope that’s toilet paper lint on yer ass!” The photo shoot was the work of Spencer Tunick. No, I did NOT make that up.

DATELINE: OTTAWA – The Federal Government has decided they will, after all, hold hearings into the Toyota recalls. For the love of all that is fucking holy, just save us the money that you are gonna piss away on more hearings that will never reach a resolution and just buy the finished report from the Americans. It’s not like Toyota is going to give a shit about what we find anyways.

DATELINE: BELGIUM – The town of Mouscron is giving families each a pair of chickens to help cut down on household waste, because nothing says welcome to my green home like chicken shit on the front step. The home owners have to promise that for two years they cannot eat the chickens or give them away, and in return, they get all the eggs the chickens can lay. While many think this is a great idea, they might find it not quite so when they realize that fucking roosters don’t do a damned thing but make a lot of noise very early in the morning, at which time, Mouscron will become the fried chicken capital of Europe.

DATELINE: SCOTLAND – People here bitch about not being able to talk on their cellphones while driving? Michael Mancini was pulled over and charged for blowing his fucking nose… in a hanky… while stopped in traffic. His offence? He didn’t have control of his not-moving vehicle. The cop’s offence? Not having control of his fucking mind. The charges have been dropped.

DATELINE: NETHERLANDS – A few weeks ago, an openly gay man was denied communion at his local Catholic Church, because he ‘is a sinner’. This prompted a group of hundreds of protestors to attend mass this morning, however, the priest, always an erudite type, celebrated the Mass without communion for anyone. Guess this means the gay man wins, since his only wish – to be treated equal. If he was denied for being a sinner, all the other sinners should also be denied. Kudos to this man for standing his ground and helping the church to once again make asses of themselves – not that they need any fucking help doing that.

DATELINE: PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND – The Federal Minister for the Status of Women, Helena Guergis, threw a temper tantrum at the Charlottetown airport. Arriving only a few minutes before her flight, in the typical Tory attitude of entitlement and superiority, she refused to take off her shoes to go through the metal detector… despite the fact that everyone else in the fucking world has to. When the alarms went off and she HAD to, she threw them onto the counter, and utter those oh-so-diplomatic words “Happy Fucking Birthday to me! I guess I am stuck in this hellhole.” When the airport staff reminded her of the need for all passengers to arrive two hours prior to their flight, she again, in her least charming manner, replied “I don’t need to be lectured about flight times by you. I’ve been down here working my ass off for you.”

It would seem that the birthday may have been for chronological age, but it sure as hell was NOT in relation to maturity. No airport staff should be expected to put up with this crap from someone within the government, and had it been anyone else, they would have been either arrested or fired… or both, which SHOULD be the case in this situation. Ms. Guergis, as a woman, you are the LAST fucking person I want looking out for my status, when you can’t even talk to people in a civil manner when you are the one who fucked up. Take your bullshit about responding ‘emotionally’ and pack it with the rest of the crap from your office and go find a real job… with the rest of us peons who have to follow the fucking rules, birthday or not.

DATELINE: FLORIDA – A 71-year-old woman called 911 to say that her husband just shot her, three times, in the stomach. The dispatcher, listening to the husband yelling in the background that it was an accident, chose to argue with the woman about whether or not this was accidental or on purpose. Hello… the woman had three fucking holes in her stomach! The husband was drunk as a skunk, when he pulled out his 9 mm to help end an argument. He just didn’t expect it would go off. The truly amazing thing… that the old guy was able to hit his target in that condition. The wife is recovering, the husband is in jail awaiting firearms charges.