DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 18th, 2010
DATELINE: FLORIDA – Tiger Woods is going to talk to the press... sort of.... on his terms... because apparently his arrogance has not been damaged in his misplaced fucking putter scandal. He will talk to a very small group of hand-picked media, giving them about a five minute statement and not allowing any questions. In order to protect his overpaid elitist ass, all other media will be watching the statement from a ballroom in a hotel a mile away, allowing him for a fast and free getaway, as long as there are no fucking trees around for him to drive into. The fact that anyone gives this man the time of day now is totally fucking beyond me. He does not deserve the adulation he gets. He plays a fucking game where he hits a ball with a stick. It’s time to tell this bad cat that we just don’t give a shit about him. Justice would be if no one showed up at all for his fucking propaganda pitch.
DATELINE: MOSCOW – Chatroulette.com is a relatively new webcam chat site that allows strangers to connect with strangers via webcam. The problem? You can click into a room and find yourself staring at some guy wanking off for the fans. There are no ways to control what is seen, there are no controls to keep children or anyone else from wandering in to this site and seeing the many sick fucking bastardos that view this as the perfect opportunity to be sick fucking bastardos, just because we need more of this shit in our lives.
DATELINE: AUSTRALIA – A freak tornado touched down in a cornfield. The guy who owned the cornfield stood on his porch to videotape it as the tornado came roaring towards his house. Nothing like playing fucking chicken with Mama Nature. This guy, though, won. The tornado turned and went off through the field again. Ya gotta love those Aussie boys – they are totally fucking fearless.
DATELINE: NIGER – Reports indicate they are in the throws of a coup this morning. Comrade Harper, please note what the fuck happens to arrogant fucking leaders who are democratically elected and take that as a free pass to do whatever the hell they want, including changing the rules of democracy.
DATELINE: WASHINGTON – President Obama will be meeting with the Dalai Lama this morning. They will not be meeting in the Oval Office though – a concession to appease the Chinese who are outraged about the meeting. It is important for Obama to continue to kiss China’s ass in an attempt to garner their assistance in stopping the advances Korea and Iran are making towards becoming nuclear powers. Gotta love this fucking democracy game. Caviar and ass-kissing and to hell with logic.
DATELINE: NEW YORK – A twelve-year-old girl was handcuffed and arrested, paraded through her classroom and school to the police station. Her offence? She fucking doodled on her desk that she loves her friends. Every kid in that class who had a fucking joint tucked inside his textbook was probably crapping his pants, but what the hell. Let’s be hard on crime and arrest those little girls who doodle love on a fucking desk. The principal is the one who should be hauled away in fucking handcuffs. Its a sick fucking world when supposedly educated people cannot manage to make a logical fucking judgement call. At this rate, we are totally doomed to force them all into a life of fucking crime. Way to go.
DATELINE: ALABAMA – The news today about Amy Grant? She caught everyone off guard with her gun toting tirade in a staff meeting. Six people shot, three are dead, two are still in critical condition, and we are hearing about the slightly eccentric, erudite educated woman who did not suffer fools but was at heart a sweet woman? Gimme a fucking break. She killed her own fucking brother, reported kids to the police for playing basketball, complained about a fucking ice cream truck in her neighbourhood, made a guys life hell because his dog barked (except he didn’t even own a fucking dog) and punched out a mom at a fucking IHOP, and THIS is normal? She claimed that the people in her previous neighbourhood up around Boston were sort of educationally below her and so she didn’t fit in, but I bet, by God, she was gonna just fucking browbeat them till she did. Thankfully she moved out of that neighbourhood before she went fucking nuts with her gun there as well.
DATELINE: VANCOUVER – The Flame, The Flame... The Fucking Olympic Flame. Here is what to do to fix the problem with the fucking flame. Take down the fence, have a couple of your pretty little mounties standing guard around it, like what happens at every other fucking memorial in the world, and let the people get up close and take their pictures with the added bonus of the red serge also being in the picture. What a fucking PR coup that would be! Too bad no one there has the fucking brains to think of that. We need Stephen Colbert running the fucking games. We need Stephen Colbert running the fucking country.
As for the Aussie, they must not have many tornados there, he would not get a do-over. He must have watched some dumbo standing in Hurricane winds on TV and thought Ok, I can do it to.
ReplyDeleteI think Colbert would ring the flame with big refrigerator boxes and invite the homeless to warm up by the fire.