DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 23rd, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 23rd, 2010

DATELINE: LONDON – Get out your scorecards and get ready for the six finalists for the Diagram Prize, that jerky quirky Brit award for the book with the most interesting title. If you picked “Afterthoughts of a Worm Hunter”, “Collectible Spoons of the Third Reich”, “Governing Lethal Behaviour In Autonomous Robots”, “The Changing World of Inflammatory Bowel Disease”, “Crocheting Adventures with Hyperbolic Planes” or “What Kind of Bean is This Chihuahua?” then you are still in the running. If you happened to have your money riding on “The Origin of Feces” or “Bacon, A Love Story” then you are, sorry, shit outta luck. The saddest part of this whole fucking story is that none of it is made up! Past winning titles include “Bombproofing Your Horse” and “Living With Crazy Buttocks.”

We can do better than that, people! We need to unite, come up with the perfect Diagram Prize title and a one sentence premise for the book and post ‘em here.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – A new CNN poll shows that 69% of Americans are okay with having gays in the military. 69%? How fucking wonderful, and perfect is that result! Far be it from me to say that they were in there regardless, but I am sure it is one huge fucking relief for them to know they have the blessing of the people. 69%? Yes, Virgin-ia there is a Santa Claus!

DATELINE: FLORIDA – Newfoundland and Labrador Premier Danny Williams has finally broken his silence about getting his surgery in the United States rather than in Canada. His comment, and I am not making this up… “This is my heart, it’s my health and it’s my choice.” As one who has seen the fucking disaster we call health care here, I have NO DOUBT that there are THOUSANDS of Canadians waiting for medical treatment for a leaky heart valve who have been told to wait, who have been waiting for days, weeks, months, and despite the fact that it is THEIR HEALTH and THEIR LIVES, they have no fucking choice in the matter. They are at the mercy of the system that people like arrogant asshole Danny Williams has helped create. The tone of entitlement, the self-righteous self-importance that he flaunts in the face of every other working middle-class person living in this country is absolutely despicable. You should be fucking totally ashamed, Mr. Premier. While I do not wish to see you in harm’s way, perhaps if you had to deal with the same system that the rest of us had to, you might be more motivated to fix the fucking thing. And while I find it totally incredible that you expect us to believe there was NO place in Canada to get your surgery, I can hardly expect less… who wouldn’t pick warm and sunny Florida over fucking freezing Ontario in the winter.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – The Canadian Olympic Committee said today that Canada would not be meeting its goal to take home the number 1 ranking in this Olympic Games. I will not fucking belabour my personal opinion about their fucking Own the Podium crapolla, however, I will offer the following quote made by Mr. Rudge during his press statement regarding this shortcoming. “We’d be living in a fool’s paradise if we said we were going to catch the Americans and win. We’re not throwing in the towel. You never do that when you are in the middle of a fight, but it’s difficult. They are way out ahead at this point and it would be unrealistic to state that we are going to catch them.” Well, Mr. Rudge, you would certainly take the Gold Medal in the fucking contradictory statement category.

While I totally believe that the athletes have done us more than proud, I can’t help wondering if those in charge of the Own the Podium program and its associated budget of $117M haven’t been taking management lessons from Toyota.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – DC’s very own ‘Rusty the Tin Man’, former VP Dick Cheney, was taken to hospital yesterday, complaining of chest pains. While there is speculation that it is his heart, we know he doesn’t have one, so one can’t help but wonder if it isn’t more that he kept his wallet in his fucking shirt pocket for a day. It is expected that “Socrates, the Scarecrow” former President George Bush will be complaining of headaches next.

DATELINE: KAMLOOPS – Allan Schoenborn today was found ‘not criminally responsible’ for the murders of his three children, all under 10 years of age while he was supposed to be caring for them. This fucking monster admitted to his crimes. He ran away and hid in the bush for 10 days. He fucking well did know what he was doing and was as sane as any other man would be who takes a cleaver to his own child. Yes, the man is fucking nuts, and YES he should still be held responsible for his actions. It’s about time our fucking legal system held people to account. Its time people started owning their fucking actions. It’s time for this sick bastard to be locked away forever.