DAILY NEWS – February 11th, 2010
DATELINE: WASHINGTON – Snowmaggedon? Give me a fucking break. Spend a week in God damned Winnipeg and you will learn what real snow is!
DATELINE: NEWFOUNDLAND – There is a group of citizens lobbying the government to institute a Loose Moose hotline. I looooove me some loose moose. These ones, though, want to be able to call for a hunter to come and kill any moose near a highway as soon as one is seen. It’s because those goofy newfie mooses are crappy at playing chicken, and people are getting killed because of it. No worries, though, because once we are all back to the horse and buggy as soon as every fucking car has been recalled, you will have new worries about loose mooses.
DATELINE: BRAZIL – Following in the wonderful tradition of Toyota and Honda, Volkswagen has now issued a recall of 200,000 Novo Gols and Novo Voyage cars because their squeaky wheels didn’t get greased. The bearings have been shown to seize up, causing the wheels to lock or even fall off. If that ain’t a perfect fucking metaphor for the auto industry these days, I have no idea what is. Can’t help but wonder if there are mooses in Brazil.
DATELINE: WASHINGTON – Over 70% of Americans polled have said that Palm Pilot Pen Palin is NOT qualified to be president. DUH! Polls for her are down in every regard. Apparently that hopey/changey thing ain’t working so fucking well for her either. It might not be such a problem for the rest of us if that Bushy/Wushy asshole hadn’t fucked up so much.
DATELINE: DUBAI – An ambassador from an undisclosed Arab country has had his marriage annulled... undisclosed might be the key fucking word. It seems that, at the end of the marriage ceremony, he lifted the veil to kiss his bride and was confronted with crossed-eyes and facial hair. I am not fucking making this up. Apparently the picture he was shown of what he selected to be his bride was actually her sister. So, what the fuck is the matter with crossed eyes and facial hair? They went through their whole courtship without him ever looking at her, so what is his fucking beef?
DATELINE: IRAN – Iran announced today that it created its first batch of 20% enriched uranium. Uranium enriched to that percentage is too high-grade to use for electricity generation, so what the heck else could he be planning to do with it??? The mind fucking boggles... a nice boy like that... such an honest face... and now other nations are starting to worry he just MIGHT be trying to create new weapons with it??? DUH!
I wish we could ship some of those Mooses down here, people think their cars are damaged from 120 pound deer running out. Ha, wouldn't a moose give them a heart attack.
ReplyDelete