DAILY NEWS - MARCH 1st, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 1st, 2010

DATELINE: SACRAMENTO – The State Assembly has passed a resolution that the first week of March will be ‘Cuss Free Week’. Holy Crap! I hope this means I can cuss as much as I fucking like, or else I might have to take California off my road-trip list for March.

DATELINE: SYDNEY – Over 5000 people stripped and posed on the steps of the Sydney Opera House. Gives new fucking meaning to group hug… and to “I hope that’s toilet paper lint on yer ass!” The photo shoot was the work of Spencer Tunick. No, I did NOT make that up.

DATELINE: OTTAWA – The Federal Government has decided they will, after all, hold hearings into the Toyota recalls. For the love of all that is fucking holy, just save us the money that you are gonna piss away on more hearings that will never reach a resolution and just buy the finished report from the Americans. It’s not like Toyota is going to give a shit about what we find anyways.

DATELINE: BELGIUM – The town of Mouscron is giving families each a pair of chickens to help cut down on household waste, because nothing says welcome to my green home like chicken shit on the front step. The home owners have to promise that for two years they cannot eat the chickens or give them away, and in return, they get all the eggs the chickens can lay. While many think this is a great idea, they might find it not quite so when they realize that fucking roosters don’t do a damned thing but make a lot of noise very early in the morning, at which time, Mouscron will become the fried chicken capital of Europe.

DATELINE: SCOTLAND – People here bitch about not being able to talk on their cellphones while driving? Michael Mancini was pulled over and charged for blowing his fucking nose… in a hanky… while stopped in traffic. His offence? He didn’t have control of his not-moving vehicle. The cop’s offence? Not having control of his fucking mind. The charges have been dropped.

DATELINE: NETHERLANDS – A few weeks ago, an openly gay man was denied communion at his local Catholic Church, because he ‘is a sinner’. This prompted a group of hundreds of protestors to attend mass this morning, however, the priest, always an erudite type, celebrated the Mass without communion for anyone. Guess this means the gay man wins, since his only wish – to be treated equal. If he was denied for being a sinner, all the other sinners should also be denied. Kudos to this man for standing his ground and helping the church to once again make asses of themselves – not that they need any fucking help doing that.

DATELINE: PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND – The Federal Minister for the Status of Women, Helena Guergis, threw a temper tantrum at the Charlottetown airport. Arriving only a few minutes before her flight, in the typical Tory attitude of entitlement and superiority, she refused to take off her shoes to go through the metal detector… despite the fact that everyone else in the fucking world has to. When the alarms went off and she HAD to, she threw them onto the counter, and utter those oh-so-diplomatic words “Happy Fucking Birthday to me! I guess I am stuck in this hellhole.” When the airport staff reminded her of the need for all passengers to arrive two hours prior to their flight, she again, in her least charming manner, replied “I don’t need to be lectured about flight times by you. I’ve been down here working my ass off for you.”

It would seem that the birthday may have been for chronological age, but it sure as hell was NOT in relation to maturity. No airport staff should be expected to put up with this crap from someone within the government, and had it been anyone else, they would have been either arrested or fired… or both, which SHOULD be the case in this situation. Ms. Guergis, as a woman, you are the LAST fucking person I want looking out for my status, when you can’t even talk to people in a civil manner when you are the one who fucked up. Take your bullshit about responding ‘emotionally’ and pack it with the rest of the crap from your office and go find a real job… with the rest of us peons who have to follow the fucking rules, birthday or not.

DATELINE: FLORIDA – A 71-year-old woman called 911 to say that her husband just shot her, three times, in the stomach. The dispatcher, listening to the husband yelling in the background that it was an accident, chose to argue with the woman about whether or not this was accidental or on purpose. Hello… the woman had three fucking holes in her stomach! The husband was drunk as a skunk, when he pulled out his 9 mm to help end an argument. He just didn’t expect it would go off. The truly amazing thing… that the old guy was able to hit his target in that condition. The wife is recovering, the husband is in jail awaiting firearms charges.

SUNDAY SERMON WITH REV DILLINGER FLAKEWAITER

Good morning to you, my children. It is the time of year, isn't it? I hear you say 'what time of year do you mean, dear Reverend Flakewaiter?' What is the question you ask the man of the Lord who wardens the flock of you, the chosen? Why? Well children, it is the time of year because it is, plain and simple. 'What?' you say. I hear you thinking 'what?' The time of year is every second you walk on the planet, God's creation. Stop before you begin to think of an answer. Accept and you shall be saved by the hand of God, or at least shoved along the right pathway. I tell you I held the child in my arms, weary, covered in filth, my skin speckled by its blood, the tongue of the child. 'What?' I hear you say. What? I say to you again in the face of Almight God that I held the child in my arms. What did I think? If I had thought I might indeed have been sent to meet my maker far sooner. Then, then my children, where would you be?

I held the child. They spoke to me. 'Kill it and walk away for surely it will destroy you'. The Lord told me this after I rolled the slime over, held it in my arms, succoured it to the nation of the Lord. 'The damn thing is booby trapped, sure as hell, Dillinger! It'll blow your sorry ass and us all to hell!' This is also what the Lord my God told me after. I did not hear for He made me deaf. I picked up this holy child and brought it to its salvation which was me. Yes, yes the damned medics fixed the slimey little thing up. Patch patch patch, all they did -- them, us, and some of the rest.

Do you listen or are you deaf? Do you pick up the child, succour, hold and love? Do you shoot it in the back of the head, or the front, for it makes no difference? Have you the grace of God in your hearts? Is your soul defiled by fear, the rancor of hatred? Turn to your bretheren, hold them, for they are your children. Give them grace and show no fear, for the ones with fear who stand up and are counted for God hear not. You cannot have courage without fear. Be sore afraid and stand to the beast, grace, grace, grace, be with you as you stand bold, powerful, full of lust for the Lord God Almighty. Hold the child, dear friends, and on the day when you stand before your maker, as you most surely will, you can and will be allowed as blessed cattle to graze in his almighty presence. Do not be afraid of being as you were meant to be. That herd that stands in the fields of the Lord. Come to me, hold me gracefully in your gentle arms and we shall be together in those pastures of Heaven. Amen and blessed Amen.

Contributions can and should be sent to: The Right Reverend and Gracefilled Bishop of the church of latter day deaf mutes-Dillinger Flakewaiter

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF-CRAP DAY AGAIN

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 27th, 2010

DATELINE: MASSACHUSETTS – We can all breathe that massive fucking sigh of relief. The question that has totally haunted us for decades has been answered. On Carly Simon’s newest release of You’re So Vain, it is believed she reveals just who the song was written about... Yes, he should have believed that song was about him, about him, about him. She whispers a name while singing, and IF you listen to the album backwards, it is supposed to be the name David. So tell me... who the fuck really listens to a record backward and who has a life so fucking pathetic as to sit there and even try?

DATELINE: CALIFORNIA – Octomom has said that she will not rule out having more children. 14 lives aren’t enough to fucking ruin with that horse and pony show that is her life?

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – I have remained silent this long, but no more. Olympic clothing – the reason I am NOT an Olympic athlete is because I would have to wear one of those stupid fucking toques. The American Arial team looked like they showed up in the Star Spangled Jammies, and DO NOT get me started on those wonderful crack-induced pants of the Norway Curling team. I think that ALL men on every Olympic team should have to wear the same outfits that the speed skaters wear! Talk about full disclosure. Those guys have no secrets.

DATELINE: FLORIDA – What do AT&T, Accenture and Gatorade all have in common now? They all dropped Tiger like he was a hot poker. Gillette and Tag Heure have also distanced themselves from the golfing great, and GM has decided that Tiger needs no more free access to their vehicles – okay, that one could be because he wrapped the last one around a fucking tree. It would seem that Tiger Woods has the most expensive case of raging hormones ever, because so far it would seem that his ‘misplaced putter’ incidents have cost him an estimated $12B in lost endorsements.

DATELINE: DALLAS – A 1939 Batman comic sold for $1.075M this week. What the fuck??? It’s a COMIC BOOK. It can’t feed starving children or end world poverty. For the love of all that is fucking holy, it’s A COMIC BOOK.

DATELINE: NEVADA – According to an MSNBC poll (and they are NEVER wrong) Las Vegas has been declared the city with the worst BO in all of the United States. Apparently they do not sell deodorant there? I cannot even begin to imagine the fucking criteria for this one, but am thankful that I was not the one who had to travel the continent smelling people’s pits. Other finalists, in ascending order, were Yuma, San Antonio, New Orleans, Chicago, Phoenix and Houston. This takes a lot of ‘Must See’ places off my travel list.

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 26th, 2010

DAILY NEWS - February 26th, 2010

DATELINE: GEORGIA – a recalled 2009 Toyota Corolla, while stopped to pick up a passenger, suddenly accelerated and crashed through the front wall of a house. The driver said that she had her foot on the brake but it was like someone had just stomped down on the accelerator. Yes, that sounds like a sicky fucking gas pedal to me... again. Or perhaps it’s the ghost of Henry Ford? How many more times is this going to happen before Toyota actually gets off their fucking asses and does something to help the people who are stuck with this rolling fucking widow- (or, in the case of the poor house that was hit – window-) makers. Toyota – Moving Forward. The gold medal in taking a fucking slogan to god damned far goes to Toyota.

DATELINE: ANTARCTICA – A giant 780 billion tonne iceberg hit a glacier and broke of a chunk of ice, creating a new 635 billion tonne burg. Scientists see this as a huge problem because these two icebergs will interrupt the flow of water and oxygen and could in fact result in ocean life dying. I say – Let’s fucking party! Margarita time... on the rocks. We will take care of the fucking problem, get the oxygen moving back in the ocean, and have one hell of a good time in the process.

DATELINE: CALGARY – A woman was found dead in her home, apparently a suicide. Tragic enough. However, when her family went to clean up, they went looking for the source of a lingering smell in the house, and found the remains of a dead baby in a suitcase... then another... in a box... then another. Not found was the toddler child, who is still missing in this. The father, however, said that he told the woman to have an abortion, thought she went to the appointment, and never realized she had the babies, triplets, at home. Autopsies show that they babies did in fact live, breathe, but there is no cause of death available yet. There is no cause of death known yet for the mother either. The father claimed that they had no idea what caused the smell in the house for the last three or four months – yes, three or four fucking months – but they used a lot of air freshener to try and get rid of it. Sorry, folks, but if there aren’t a billion fucking alarms going off in some cop’s head, we have a HUGE problem here.

DATELINE: NEW YORK – AIG has posted a $9B loss this last quarter, higher than what was expected. This would be the same AIG that received $170B in bailout money, and then, in March, was getting ready to pay out $1B in bonuses to managers and executives? It’s so fucking comforting to know that, while the rest of us are destroyed by the fucking economy, while real people throughout the continent lose their houses and their jobs and their fucking lives, AIG execs are on the fucking job.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – Let’s give Jacques Rogge more ammunition to exclude a woman’s event from the Olympics – like Ladies Ski Jumping – which for some unknown fucking reason is NOT a sport but Men’s Ski Jumping is. Last night the Canada Women’s Hockey Team won a gold medal, literally hours after Rogge sounded off about how the event only has one more chance to improve the level of competition and then it will be scrapped. It was a pretty damning and a fucking ignorant position for the president of the IOC to take, considering that the whole premise of the fucking games is equality and inclusion, but considering the entire attitude of the IOC about such things, it was not entirely surprising. So, after the victory last night, the ladies of the Canadian Team returned to the ice, this time with beer, champagne and cigars. Was this a stupid thing to do? Yes. Is it a fucking earth-stopping thing? To be honest, after listening to that fucking airbag spew his sexist crap yet again, I might also have been inclined to take a ‘fuck you, rogge’ (figuratively, of course – not literally.. ewwwwwwww) attitude. Perhaps if he would just pull the fucking Olympic torch out of his ass and chill out about, and let the fucking athletes do their thing without all the other crap he spews on them, some of this shit wouldn’t happen, and much of it would not be so fucking blown out of proportion. Ladies of the Rink, from all nations, congratulations on a great showing for all of you. You are all champions.

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 25th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 25th, 2010

DATELINE: DETROIT – It is indeed a sad fucking day. Production of all Hummers has stopped and the line has been pulled. Sales were down 85% in 2009, with only 325 vehicles being sold. Wait a minute… vehicles??? Oh, I get it. We’re talking the vehicle Hummers. Whew! I was a bit worried there. They were fucking road hog gas guzzlers anyways.

DATELINE: UTAH – Miscarriages are illegal in Utah. Yes, the fucking stupidity is mind-boggling. A bill expanding the definition of ‘illegal abortion’ passed with an incredibly astounding majority. This means that if a woman suffers a miscarriage, she now will have to prove she was not reckless. If she is found guilty of this ‘criminal homicide’, she can face life in prison. In this case, reckless includes things like falling down the stairs, being abused by a partner or spouse, having a drink… yes, damned near fucking everything. She is assumed guilty of killing her baby in all these situations. It is hard to believe that these fucking idiots have been able to completely destroy the rights of all women, and yet… they managed, with a majority of votes… because losing a baby to a miscarriage is just not traumatic and difficult enough for a mom to deal with. Once again politicians, for the sake of maintaining their fucking power base, seem fucking delusionally convinced they can and will be the moral compass for the world, because they have a direct line to God.

DATELINE: YUKON – Dogsledders are pushing for their sport to be included in the Olympic Games. Hello? Have you watched the coverage from Vancouver? I hope to hell your dog sleds come with wheels for those Olympic venues that have no fucking snow.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – Toyota bigwig, Akio Toyoda apologized for the safety issues involving his cars. Whoop-de-fucking-do. If, as he insists, there is no issue with onboard computers causing the random accelerating problem, why are they offering to add new ‘safety software’ to help reassure their customers? Yes, Mr. Toyoda, owners of your cars DO Love what you do to them… They probably would prefer it though, if you fucking wined them and dined them first, or at least invested in some of that fun and crazy his and hers KY. Oh, and the change of the name from Toyoda to Toyota... it has to do with the number of brush strokes needed to write the name. Toyota requires 8 brush strokes, so it was the luckier of the two. How's that working for ya?

DATELINE: ONTARIO – After two reports of a doctor in Windsor performing two unnecessary mastectomies, a review of the hospital’s files back to November show another seven ‘serious cases of concern’. In 2001, after bullying one woman into surgery for an extremely aggressive cancer that could only be treated by surgery, the patient was told a week later that in fact she had no cancer at all. To have this happen more than once is incredible, and not in a good fucking way. Sadly these stories are becoming the norm, and there are few people in this country anymore who do NOT have horror stories to tell of what they experienced at the hands of medical staff here. When the hell is the Canadian government going to get our healthcare system under control? Oh, wait… they are all too fucking busy eating perogies and flying to fucking Florida for their medical treatments, so they probably can’t fit the regular working tax-payers problems into their schedule just yet. Undoubtedly this will be a key rotted platform in their next fucking election campaign though.

DATELINE: BOSTON – Two students at Judge Rotenberg Educational Center in Canton were subjected to electric shock treatment as punishment for an offence they never even committed. One child received 77 shocks and the other received 29. This facility has been under fire before for the totally stupid cruel fucking policies they have when it comes to dealing with autistic and other special needs children. Here is my take. Get those children the fuck out of that facility… NOW. For the love of all that is fucking holy… this children are strapped down and fucking zapped with electric jolts by teachers… fucking teachers! Animals do not even get treated like this. Get those children out of there and to where they will get some love and compassion. Get them someplace where they will be treated as humans, with some respect and consideration by people who actually have a fucking brain. THEN take the people who run the Judge Rotenberg Educational Center and fucking hook them up to their electric shock machines and zap the fucking crap out of them. It might be advantageous to hook one of those little zappy doo-hickies to their fucking balls… if they have any. Brain-dead fucking bullies like those who run this place usually don’t have balls. Why the hell are the people of Massachusetts sitting back and letting this crap happen… for fucking YEARS!

DATELINE:VANCOUVER – Once again, the Canadian Border Service at Vancouver Airport have proven that communication was not high on their list of skills. Pawel Marach came to visit our wonderful country. When his aunt and uncle went to meet him at the airport, they could not find him. They searched, they asked for assistance, they went to the Canadian border Service and asked, and were told that he did not arrive in Canada – while the man was sitting only feet away being questioned. He had tried to visit a month earlier and was turned away because of concerns he was here to work instead of to visit. He was given a list of the required documents he would need in order to visit here, so he did go and get them, including proof from his employer about his travel arrangements, but still, upon arrival he was stopped and accused of lying. Marach was held for two days at the airport, then returned to England. When he asked if he could please at least attempt to contact his family to let them know, he was told by the agent that it was not her problem. The only thing that went right for Marach was that the RCMP weren’t called to assist. It’s a good day when you can get through Vancouver airport without getting tasered to death because Canada Border Services can’t get their shit together.

DAILYNEWS - FEBRUARY 24th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 24th, 2010






















DATELINE: COLORADO SPRINGS – Pink puppets with boobs – how the hell could that be wrong? Apparently if you are in Colorado Springs, it’s a problem. A poster for a touring production of the Broadway show “Avenue Q”, meant to be put up in bus shelters around the city is too risqué for Colorado Springians, because the puppet shows some cleavage. Are you fucking kidding me?? It’s a poster with a picture of a fucking puppet – how the hell much cleavage could it possibly fucking show, and who cares?? People! It’s a picture of a PUPPET!!! You want to know what is truly offensive? All these guys walking around with the crotch of their jeans down at their knees and their fucking hairy ass cracks hanging out for the world to see – now THAT’s offensive. And yet I bet you still see that all over the place around the fucking bus shelters.

DATELINE: WINNIPEG – School assemblies have taken on a whole new interest after two teachers performed a lap dance for their student body. Yes, right there on the gymnasium floor with teachers and students watching, they gyrated and humped for all to see – enough to make even the hormone-riddled teenage angst-filled students uncomfortable. The truly amazing thing? When asked what disciplinary action was being taken, the official reply was that it would not be discussed because it was a ‘personnel issue’. Hello?? They were getting down and dirty in front of EVERYONE while being paid with tax dollars. I think the parents are more than entitled to some fucking answers.

DATELINE: FLORIDA – How’s the weather down there in sunny Florida, Mr. Premier? Yes, now that Danny Williams, Premier of Newfoundland and Labrador is laying in the sun and making arrogant fucking self-righteous statements about his need for surgery in the US, Canadian cardiologists are speaking out, stating that the surgery he required was available for him right here in Canada. No matter what Mr. Williams says about this situation, there is one fact that is undeniable – he did not want to have surgery here in Canada. He is too fucking good for the same medical treatment that 99% of Canadians have no choice in accepting, often too late. If he had been fucking honest about it, then the situation might be slightly more palatable. By lying about the availability of the surgery though, he is essentially admitting that he knows what he did was fucking wrong and that what we are seeing about it is totally the fucking truth.

DATELINE:INDIA – What could possibly more represent the ideals and beliefs of Gandhi more than a silver and gold fucking pen that sells for $24,000? But, you might argue, there are only 241 of these pens being made, and that number represents the number of miles Gandhi walked in his opposition to the salt taxes. Or, you might further claim, it comes with an 8’ golden thread that you can wrap around it, and this thread represents the spindle and cotton that Gandhi used to weave his simple clothes. True, I have to reply, because there was nothing that exemplifies his lifestyle like a fucking 8’ golden thread… made of real gold. German penmaker Montblanc has halted sales of these pens until a ruling is made regarding the possible legal problems with illegally using a national image or sign. Who the hell comes up with this fucking shit? A silver and gold ‘Gandhi pen’? This one is way more offensive than pink puppets with boobs.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – You KNOW I would not let the day go without a Toyota story. Yes, today is the day that the President of Toyota will be appearing to answer some questions. Pop some fucking corn, nestle in and prepare to watch a gold medal performance of side-stepping, double-talking, tap-dancing and claims of personal shame for the damage done to a family name. Big fuckin whoop! Just do something for all the people who are stuck with what could well be one hell of an expensive fucking doorstop. There are a lot of people out there who are thinking that just maybe they don’t Love What You Do To Them right now, Toyota.

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 23rd, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 23rd, 2010

DATELINE: LONDON – Get out your scorecards and get ready for the six finalists for the Diagram Prize, that jerky quirky Brit award for the book with the most interesting title. If you picked “Afterthoughts of a Worm Hunter”, “Collectible Spoons of the Third Reich”, “Governing Lethal Behaviour In Autonomous Robots”, “The Changing World of Inflammatory Bowel Disease”, “Crocheting Adventures with Hyperbolic Planes” or “What Kind of Bean is This Chihuahua?” then you are still in the running. If you happened to have your money riding on “The Origin of Feces” or “Bacon, A Love Story” then you are, sorry, shit outta luck. The saddest part of this whole fucking story is that none of it is made up! Past winning titles include “Bombproofing Your Horse” and “Living With Crazy Buttocks.”

We can do better than that, people! We need to unite, come up with the perfect Diagram Prize title and a one sentence premise for the book and post ‘em here.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – A new CNN poll shows that 69% of Americans are okay with having gays in the military. 69%? How fucking wonderful, and perfect is that result! Far be it from me to say that they were in there regardless, but I am sure it is one huge fucking relief for them to know they have the blessing of the people. 69%? Yes, Virgin-ia there is a Santa Claus!

DATELINE: FLORIDA – Newfoundland and Labrador Premier Danny Williams has finally broken his silence about getting his surgery in the United States rather than in Canada. His comment, and I am not making this up… “This is my heart, it’s my health and it’s my choice.” As one who has seen the fucking disaster we call health care here, I have NO DOUBT that there are THOUSANDS of Canadians waiting for medical treatment for a leaky heart valve who have been told to wait, who have been waiting for days, weeks, months, and despite the fact that it is THEIR HEALTH and THEIR LIVES, they have no fucking choice in the matter. They are at the mercy of the system that people like arrogant asshole Danny Williams has helped create. The tone of entitlement, the self-righteous self-importance that he flaunts in the face of every other working middle-class person living in this country is absolutely despicable. You should be fucking totally ashamed, Mr. Premier. While I do not wish to see you in harm’s way, perhaps if you had to deal with the same system that the rest of us had to, you might be more motivated to fix the fucking thing. And while I find it totally incredible that you expect us to believe there was NO place in Canada to get your surgery, I can hardly expect less… who wouldn’t pick warm and sunny Florida over fucking freezing Ontario in the winter.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – The Canadian Olympic Committee said today that Canada would not be meeting its goal to take home the number 1 ranking in this Olympic Games. I will not fucking belabour my personal opinion about their fucking Own the Podium crapolla, however, I will offer the following quote made by Mr. Rudge during his press statement regarding this shortcoming. “We’d be living in a fool’s paradise if we said we were going to catch the Americans and win. We’re not throwing in the towel. You never do that when you are in the middle of a fight, but it’s difficult. They are way out ahead at this point and it would be unrealistic to state that we are going to catch them.” Well, Mr. Rudge, you would certainly take the Gold Medal in the fucking contradictory statement category.

While I totally believe that the athletes have done us more than proud, I can’t help wondering if those in charge of the Own the Podium program and its associated budget of $117M haven’t been taking management lessons from Toyota.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – DC’s very own ‘Rusty the Tin Man’, former VP Dick Cheney, was taken to hospital yesterday, complaining of chest pains. While there is speculation that it is his heart, we know he doesn’t have one, so one can’t help but wonder if it isn’t more that he kept his wallet in his fucking shirt pocket for a day. It is expected that “Socrates, the Scarecrow” former President George Bush will be complaining of headaches next.

DATELINE: KAMLOOPS – Allan Schoenborn today was found ‘not criminally responsible’ for the murders of his three children, all under 10 years of age while he was supposed to be caring for them. This fucking monster admitted to his crimes. He ran away and hid in the bush for 10 days. He fucking well did know what he was doing and was as sane as any other man would be who takes a cleaver to his own child. Yes, the man is fucking nuts, and YES he should still be held responsible for his actions. It’s about time our fucking legal system held people to account. Its time people started owning their fucking actions. It’s time for this sick bastard to be locked away forever.

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 22, 2010

DAILY NEWS – February 22nd, 2010

DATELINE: FRANKFURT – Lufthansa pilots have gone on strike, an action that could result in 3000 flights being cancelled over the next 4 days. British Airways is also poised to strike. To be totally honest, I have no fucking idea who to be pissed off at about this. I am pissed off. I can’t imagine how it would feel in this economy to have saved and struggled for the money to take a honeymoon or a holiday, especially those who are not in a position to do so often, and to find out the day of your flight that you are going nowhere. At least Lufthansa is reimbursing the customers, or they claim they will be. I can totally understand the position of the airline workers at being concerned over deregulation and the very real fact that their jobs are on the line. This is one of those fucking situation where there are no winners... and this is another example of how the global economy has been totally fucked over by irresponsible governments who feel the need to get involved when they can’t even run their own fucking business. It’s another example too, of how the working person takes it on the fucking chin every time. I have no doubt that holiday plans for any fucking bank CEO will be just fine though.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – Toyota – again. You would think that a company smart enough to save hundreds of millions of fucking dollars by deliberately delaying complying with safety requirements would at least be smart enough to not brag about it in a fucking 10-page internal report. A Toyota listing their ‘successes’ report lists things like slowing down on the process of complying with industry requirements regarding side air bags (saved the company $124M AND 50,000 manpower hours), delaying installing new standard door locks (saved them $11M), and avoiding investigations about rusted truck bodies and faulty floor mats. They even negotiated to limit a 2007 recall. Among other documents is an acknowledgement that they knew about the acceleration problems years before they did any recall. Yes, Toyota, you did good. Those are great fucking successes. So, lemme ask you this, although I know god damned well that the answer is ‘settle lawsuits... many, many, many lawsuits’ ... “What will YOU do with all the money you saved?”

DATELINE: LONDON – JK Rowling is being sued for copyright infringement... again. The estate of Adrian Jacobs claims that Rowling copies substantial parts of Jacobs’ book ‘The Adventuress of Willy the Wizard – No 1 Livid Land’. All writers of the world, here is my fucking advice. When you write, keep every single fucking scrap of paper that you doodle on while writing. To be realistic, something I know many people avoid like the fucking plague, there are in reality only so many stories out there to tell. What makes the difference is the way they are told. Keep your scraps so you can protect yourself from a potential $1B settlement like this one could, rightly or wrongly, result in.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – President Obama is about to release his newest new plan for health care reform in the US. In the event you want advice from an interested observer from across the line, and who the hell doesn’t want that, the first thing you have to do is get the fucking pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies out of the equation. As long as they fucking fund both politics and medical offices, you are totally fucked no matter what you try to do.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – Own The Podium. If there was ever a more arrogant fucking in-yer-face un-Canadian slogan, I have no idea what it could be. This plan was ill-conceived from the beginning, pissing off the competition with our smug fucking attitude that we could actually think we could buy the Olympic Athletic Accolades, but it also built huge stupid fucking expectations in the media and the public. Now, lemme ask you this. Does it really fucking matter how many medals we win in the grand scheme of things? Does it make us a better country? Not so far. Does it save lives? Does it matter if our athletes go out and do their fucking best and NOT make it onto the podium? Does that make them less than deserving of our admiration and appreciation? The whole plan is fucked. Our priorities are fucked. Maybe one day the Olympic Games will be able to be as it was intented... a competition between athletes – not fucking governments, corporations or media outlets. Too bad it will take even more global catastrophe to get us there.

DATELINE: OTTAWA – A report issued by six Liberal Senators, headed by Colin Kenny, has indicated that there is a drastic need for proper, strong oversight of the RCMP. It proposes that members of the national police force must face an outside agency that can independently review conduct, subpoena witnesses and lay charges when the need requires, as opposed to having the organization investigate itself. Well... DUH! We can see what happens when they fucking investigate themselves. They are a national institution that has gone the way of other big national institutions – like Banks, Insurance companies and Government. They have absolutely no fucking credibility, sweeping even murders and rapes under the carpet.

A BONUS BLOG!!! 10 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT ME

Shock Totem has set this blog in motion, and we don't want to be left out, so today, you get a bonus blog.

Ten things about yours truly (it was a hard thing to just pick ten):

1) I was born on a mountain top in the canadian rockies-did naked scuba diving in a local lake as young as six where I had my first sexual experience-(ahem ahem-the mind boggyoualls)

2) I like Pink. No, I fucking LOVE pink. I drive a big rig... a pink big rig. I have a pink teacup poodle named Adolf. I buy pink duct tape by the crate. Fucking love the shit!

3) At the age of six I left home after beating my drunken sot of a step-father to death with a sock stuffed with dolls and lead weights stolen from the local fishing store. It had to be done.

4) I love donuts, especially Tim Horton’s donuts. Especially the ones with the pink fucking sprinkles.

5) I started my own trucking company at the age of 16 after a failed venture in the body guarding business.

6) I destroyed the local office of Fritze's Modeling Agency because he would not take my photos. I had always planned to be a fucking runway model, so I had joined the Doukhobors and me and fifteen other nubile nymphettes, naked of course, wrecked the office, destroying for Fritz Applebaum any future opportunity to ruin the dreams of other simple delicate lovely lasses like me.

7) After serving my prison term at the B.C. correctional institute for beautiful yet languid youths I once again branched out-starting a catering business for local truckers where I met my first love, Bing Algonquin, who was a reformed pimp and was starting his own church after being converted by Dillinger Flakewaiter

8) I really didn’t mean to tip the Nash Metropolitan in the drive-thru lane, but I am not sorry I did because that fucking fireman with his jaws of life was one hawt hombre.

9) My favorite number – 69.

10) There is no one in my world more annoying than fucking Dash, and the stupidest thing I ever did was marry that damned bastardo just to get the other half of the lottery ticket.

There you have it -- 10 Things to totally fucking love about me. Keep the chain alive. Paste the pick and share your shit.

SUNDAY SERMON FROM DILLINGER FLAKEWAITER

Sunday Sermon-Children of the Heavenly Hearth

We speak of children so soft, so sweet, yet full they are of life's retreat. They beckon us as God's fair child did give His life for everyone who submits to His glory. I speak softy to you, my children, of the hearth who wait gently for God. In warm-ed flame, in soft requite you cherish yourselves. This sin to wait in self defile, thinking only that you do His will, is truly no greatness beyond the wild divide of liturgy and lithsome whit. Is it not against His very will to deny the growth within your hearts? So why do you, His children, born to worship without bandied consideration,deny His very existence simply to do so? Fall upon your knees, sweet children, wail to the Lord that you have sinned, not given birth for the sake of His glory, but rather, for your disgusting loinal prurient lusts. I sneer at you for you are His filth, His nasty mistakes that no not love only thrust and pary that rapier of passion.

I stood on high purple mountain throbbing with lust for my Lord. No, you brutal sinners, not yours but His. I have given all to Him who trusts in me to grovel at His feet, to lick between His toes at majestic jam of toe. Oh no, I foreswore the depraved lusts of common man to be able to give to you all His simple blessings yet you refute me, you chastize me, spit upon my purple throbbing majesty! You have no more deep regard for yourselves and less for Him, you disgusting miserable pathetic sinners, for I am blessed with certainty not some hope of peace, prosperity lies. NO NO I scream upon such purple mount that this day is given to me to give to you to let you in to God's great glory.

Be certain in His divine love, fall to your knees oh hear the angel voices, oh night divine when Christ was born. Pull off your chains on this His blessed day, write your future in God's braille so that you all may join me in heavenly bliss and piss on sinners who could not repent to Him.

Now for the last time, give up your mammon host and give to Him that Lord of Love that, as He promised, you may buy his Love. YES YES-buy His love, for dear remorseful children, it can be bought. To regret mammon is great sin; to give it is great love. Come to me, bend to me, give me some good lovin'---damn there I go again just as I was gettin' good. Um-er-where was I? Oh yes. It is true for I have sinned to not take your offer of love to Him. My Chevy burns within my heart, my Godly Maseratti has no fuel-Reverend Dillinger stands to you, falls to his knees-where are you, my children of mammon-OH GOD IN HEAVEN THEY HAVE DEFILLED-DESTROYED-REFUSED TO REFUEL-OH LORD IN HEAVEN FORGIVE ME FOR NOT-FOR NOD IS THE LAND PROMISED TO US BY YOU, OUR GREAT AND GLORIOUS LEADER-HEIL GOD-HEIL GOD-HEIL GOD-now go read your damn bible you fools-it'll tell you exactly what to do-SEND MONEY!!!!

LOVE REVEREND DILLINGER GREAT MASTER OF THE CHURCH OF HEAVENLY LOINAL DIVERSIONS-AND BUSTY BUCKS. OH CHILDREN OF THE HEARTH DO COME!!!!

Say Chuck did you hear his sermon?
No George I just turned on the game?
Fair dues Chuck, got a beer?

DAILY NEWS - FEB 20, 2010

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 20th, 2010

DATELINE: LOS ANGELES – William Shatner has landed yet another starring role, this time in Shit My Dad Says. The series is based on the tweeted posts of a 20-something kid who returns home to live with mom and dad and spends his whole fucking day tweeting the erudite comments of his father. THIS is fucking television? Bring back the god damned Muppet.

DATELINE: LOS ANGELES – Sean Penn has been ordered to appear in court for locking horns with a paparazzi photographer in October. This time he could end up in jail for 18 months. He fucking won’t, because he’s Sean Penn, but what the hell. I am still trying to understand why this crap is news.

DATELINE: ATLANTA – Seven of the top news videos on the CNN News site were devoted to Tiger Woods and his staged unfelt apology. Here’s a fucking news bulletin for you. I don’t care what expression his mother wore while he spoke. I don’t give a rat’s ass what it means that his wife was not at the press release. I totally fucking fail to see how any of this is news, despite how it effects the media who were excluded or the sponsors who loved him, then hated him, then proved just how fucking stupid they were when they decided he was again a fucking god. Tiger should be sent Down Under where he could at least be useful clubbing fucking cane toads on the head. Please, media, give us a fucking break!

DATELINE: NEW YORK – Gary Coleman, known for his role as little Arnold in the decades-old comedy Different Strokes, totally popped a fucking artery when he went on The Insider to defend himself against the charges that he assaulted his wife. When asked if he hit her, he unleashed a series of fucking f-bombs that, honestly, make yours truly rather proud. Based on his performance for the camera, I would be prepared to go out on a limb and predict that this is not the last we will see of little Arnold and his never-ending tango with the law.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – Well, here is another fine display of Canadian hypocrisy. 11 police officers, RCMP officers, who have been assigned to provide security for the Olympic Games, have been sent home because of conduct unbecoming. One, a Staff-Sergeant from Ottawa with 19 years on the Force, was arrested for shoplifting from a fucking Winners store. You would think if she wanted to destroy her career and issue another fucking blow to the national police force, she could have at least picked something more high-end than fucking Winners? Really, was it worth it? The security forces are billeted on cruise ships out on the harbour, because we keep our men in style, but apparently those ships are the real party central for the games in Vancouver, and oooh what games they are playing there!!! There have been reports on two news stations that two female officers have laid formal complaints of sexual assault WHILE ON their secure floating fortresses, crimes allegedly committed by their colleagues. Officials are keeping mum on the nature of the other problems causing the unruly cops to be sent home. It instills a very special Canadian sense of security to know this crap is going on while they are being paid in hard earned Canadian dollars to represent the country for two fucking weeks. Can they not even manage that without some major clusterfucks that do nothing but show again incompetence at every fucking level of the organization. The people footing the bill for this clown and pony production should be entitled to FULL DISCLOSURE of what the hell is happening, what will happen to the people involved and how the fuck much more is this going to cost us.

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 19th, 2010

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 19th, 2010

DATELINE: FLORIDA – Tiger Woods told his tiny collection of silent adoring reports that he was sorry. It was what was on the teleprompter and what crossed his fucking lips. It was no in his eyes, his face, or his heart. Mostly he was apologizing to his bank account. Why the fuck did anyone bother to carry this tripe in the first place? The arrogant control-freak got away with it, and will do it again, because he is Tiger Woods. Hopefully next time the media will give him his true due.

DATELINE: TORONTO – While driving to the dentist, Gordon Lightfoot heard the radio announcement that he was dead. Hell of a way to get out of a fucking dentist appointment! And what do ya know? The old guy still has his own teeth! Totally fucking awesome, Gord. Glad the reports were wrong... now sing us a song (please).

DATELINE: ARKANSAS – Ya know, it just wouldn’t be a good day without a Toyota recall or Sarah Palin to blog about. Okay, everyone, get out your pens and prepare your hands to take notes, cause you don’t want to miss this one. She is offering advice to the new Tea Party... in that special way only Palin has – you know, the way that makes absolutely no fucking sense. “Now the smart thing will be for independents who are such a part of this tea party movement to, I guess, kind of start picking a party.” Because I already have a fucking headache, I will let you try to figure that out yourselves... and thank god the grammar police are not storming the fucking blog. But then, comes this... “Which party reflects how that smaller, smarter government steps to be taken? Which party will best fit you? And then because the Tea Party Movements is not a party and we have a two-party system, they’re going to have to pick a party and run one of the other: ‘R’ or ‘D’.” First...the smarter government will be anyone that stays totally fucking clear of Sarah Palin. This chick is totally nucking futs. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a party to dress for. Which to wear? Hmmmmm, i hate these hard fucking decisions. Do I go with the red dress or the blue dress?

DATELINE: TORONTO – The cover of the latest Catholic Register slams Michael Ignatieff and his position that contraception and abortion be included as basic components of foreign aid in order to help mothers and babies. For starters, the Catholic Church taking ANY position of criticism about ANYTHING regarding sex is opening up the largest can of hypocritical fucking worms imaginable. You guys all apparently chose to sometimes be celibate when it suits you, so stay the hell out of everyone else’s sexual business. The supplying of condoms is about much more than fucking procreation – it’s about helping to control the spread of STD’s that are destroying so many nations. And while I am not a personal supporter of abortions as a means of birth control, there are situations where it is necessary to save a woman’s life, so blanket statements made by these assholes in their ivory white towers with the stained glass windows and their porn mags tucked under their mattresses are nothing but counterproductive babble that serve only the purpose of keeping women under control and depriving them of the rights to take care of their body. It also clearly states that women are unable to make sound decisions regarding their sexuality and so guidance from a bunch of power-lusting men is the only way to do it. God forbid we give these people some knowledge, some tools to make decisions, some options for their own lives other than to poop out a baby every 12 fucking months when they can't manage to put food on the table for even one. These women have a right to NOT have to be babymachines and they have a right to not wake up every fucking morning and wondering how many of her seven children will she be able to tend with no food and much sickness in all of them. Viva la discrimination and oppression of women at the hands of the clergy one more time. The church needs to stay the fuck out of politics, especially until they start paying fucking taxes like the rest of us.

DATELINE: AUSTRALIA – They have discovered a new weapon to use against the invasion of the Cane Toad in this country – cat food. These disgusting frogs were brought in to the country to help control beetles in the sugar cane, but the experiment was a huge fucking failure when the toads adapted, were unable to be kept under control by predators and began to compete with every other species there. In fact, these little buggers have helped land several other species on the endangered list, and so they have to be taken care of. Aussies have tried killing them with cricket bats and golf clubs (oh, a new career for Tiger, perhaps), but nothing made a difference in the numbers. Enter the Meat Ants. These are some nasty looking fuckers!! They run to get the cat food, find the baby frogs and eat them to death. Of course now there are complaints that the means of getting rid of the toads is inhumane... because beating em on the head with a nine-iron was a sign of fucking love??

DATELINE: ATLANTA – A zebra was seen running through the streets of the city, with police cruisers in hot pursuit. The animal had gotten spooked and ran from its trainer with the visiting circus. Hard to believe that six police card with sirens blaring would not help to calm the poor critter. They finally got it cornered and the trainer was able to catch her and settle her down. Thank God the Atlanta police don’t adhere to the RCMP Policy of ‘taser the crap out of it and ask questions later’ – roasted fucking zebra, anyone?

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 18th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 18th, 2010

DATELINE: FLORIDA – Tiger Woods is going to talk to the press... sort of.... on his terms... because apparently his arrogance has not been damaged in his misplaced fucking putter scandal. He will talk to a very small group of hand-picked media, giving them about a five minute statement and not allowing any questions. In order to protect his overpaid elitist ass, all other media will be watching the statement from a ballroom in a hotel a mile away, allowing him for a fast and free getaway, as long as there are no fucking trees around for him to drive into. The fact that anyone gives this man the time of day now is totally fucking beyond me. He does not deserve the adulation he gets. He plays a fucking game where he hits a ball with a stick. It’s time to tell this bad cat that we just don’t give a shit about him. Justice would be if no one showed up at all for his fucking propaganda pitch.

DATELINE: MOSCOW – Chatroulette.com is a relatively new webcam chat site that allows strangers to connect with strangers via webcam. The problem? You can click into a room and find yourself staring at some guy wanking off for the fans. There are no ways to control what is seen, there are no controls to keep children or anyone else from wandering in to this site and seeing the many sick fucking bastardos that view this as the perfect opportunity to be sick fucking bastardos, just because we need more of this shit in our lives.

DATELINE: AUSTRALIA – A freak tornado touched down in a cornfield. The guy who owned the cornfield stood on his porch to videotape it as the tornado came roaring towards his house. Nothing like playing fucking chicken with Mama Nature. This guy, though, won. The tornado turned and went off through the field again. Ya gotta love those Aussie boys – they are totally fucking fearless.

DATELINE: NIGER – Reports indicate they are in the throws of a coup this morning. Comrade Harper, please note what the fuck happens to arrogant fucking leaders who are democratically elected and take that as a free pass to do whatever the hell they want, including changing the rules of democracy.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – President Obama will be meeting with the Dalai Lama this morning. They will not be meeting in the Oval Office though – a concession to appease the Chinese who are outraged about the meeting. It is important for Obama to continue to kiss China’s ass in an attempt to garner their assistance in stopping the advances Korea and Iran are making towards becoming nuclear powers. Gotta love this fucking democracy game. Caviar and ass-kissing and to hell with logic.

DATELINE: NEW YORK – A twelve-year-old girl was handcuffed and arrested, paraded through her classroom and school to the police station. Her offence? She fucking doodled on her desk that she loves her friends. Every kid in that class who had a fucking joint tucked inside his textbook was probably crapping his pants, but what the hell. Let’s be hard on crime and arrest those little girls who doodle love on a fucking desk. The principal is the one who should be hauled away in fucking handcuffs. Its a sick fucking world when supposedly educated people cannot manage to make a logical fucking judgement call. At this rate, we are totally doomed to force them all into a life of fucking crime. Way to go.

DATELINE: ALABAMA – The news today about Amy Grant? She caught everyone off guard with her gun toting tirade in a staff meeting. Six people shot, three are dead, two are still in critical condition, and we are hearing about the slightly eccentric, erudite educated woman who did not suffer fools but was at heart a sweet woman? Gimme a fucking break. She killed her own fucking brother, reported kids to the police for playing basketball, complained about a fucking ice cream truck in her neighbourhood, made a guys life hell because his dog barked (except he didn’t even own a fucking dog) and punched out a mom at a fucking IHOP, and THIS is normal? She claimed that the people in her previous neighbourhood up around Boston were sort of educationally below her and so she didn’t fit in, but I bet, by God, she was gonna just fucking browbeat them till she did. Thankfully she moved out of that neighbourhood before she went fucking nuts with her gun there as well.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – The Flame, The Flame... The Fucking Olympic Flame. Here is what to do to fix the problem with the fucking flame. Take down the fence, have a couple of your pretty little mounties standing guard around it, like what happens at every other fucking memorial in the world, and let the people get up close and take their pictures with the added bonus of the red serge also being in the picture. What a fucking PR coup that would be! Too bad no one there has the fucking brains to think of that. We need Stephen Colbert running the fucking games. We need Stephen Colbert running the fucking country.

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 17th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 17th, 2010

DATELINE: ARGENTINA – All ships wanting to go to the Falkland Islands must now first apply for permission to do so from the Argentine government. This is all because of the never-ending almighty fucking quest for oil, because that shit just hasn’t caused enough problems in the world already.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – Wow. Where to fucking start. The Official Languages Commission is now investigating complaints that there was not enough French used in the opening ceremonies and that the French that was used was ‘obligatory’. Yes, it fucking was, and yes, there was enough of it. More to the point, what the fuck are we doing spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on this? The hope of those complaining is to get the closing ceremonies changed so more French is included. For the love of god, this is what we have to bitch about? People STILL starving and dying in Haiti, people STILL starving a dying here, people out of work, people losing homes, jobs shrivelling up and we are going to get our fucking panties in a twist because there was not enough French spoken at the Opening Ceremonies? How totally fucked up can we get as a nation?

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – Already 8,000 tickets were cancelled for viewers of the events at Cypress Bowl, home of the snowboarding events. That means for the last couple days, people who held those tickets, who bought flights and accommodation to come to Vancouver to take part in the events, who could only get the Standing Room Only tickets, get to miss out on everything. They will get the price of their tickets back... whoop-de-fucking-do. Now, though, they have announced that for the next few days, an additional 20,000 tickets daily will also be cancelled (just the cost of the tickets is over $1M). Now, while I realize VANOC does not control the weather (although their fucking arrogance would suggest that at some point they probably did think they could), they DID make the decision to have these events at Cypress Bowl which is notorious for its lack of snow most years, and THEN they made the decision to NOT have a back-up location for the events should the weather not co-operate with them. They DO own this clusterfuck... not the weatherman, not the skiers and sure as hell not the spectators who paid for tickets in good faith only to get screwed over by VANOC total lack of foresight.

DATELINE: IRAN – President Ahmedinejad responded to US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s comments in Qatar but warning the world they will ‘regret increasing sanctions’ on Iran. He went on to say that Mrs. Clinton’s remarks were ‘not wise’. This totally adds to my argument that the man is nucking futs and that perhaps Mrs. Clinton knows a crazy prick when she sees one.

DATELINE: NEW YORK – David Letterman slammed Canadians in regard to the accident that killed Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili. Letterman accused us of being hypocrits because we made adjustments to the track to prevent a similar accident. The death was a tragedy by all accounts, and no one denies that, and perhaps something more could have been done, but honestly I don't know. However, I suppose if there is anyone who would know about being a hypocrite, especially when beating on his desk and expounding the fucking moral high-road, it would be David Letterman. His opinion gets about the same amount of credence as the god damned people screaming that our snowboarders pants aren’t baggy enough.

DATELINE: OTTAWA – Omar Khadr’s lawyers have filed an emergency motion to quash the government’s decision to ask the United States to not use evidence gathered by Canadian officials in their prosecution of Khadr. This is admittedly a compromise position based on the Supreme Court ruling of last week that the government is not legally bound to demand the repatriation of Khadr. Khadr’s history and connection to terrorist training camps not withstanding (wow, I almost sound like a fucking lawyer!) here is my bitch. When people go to other countries and commit crimes in those countries, why the fuck do we spend millions of dollars to get them off the hook? You go to someone else’s land, you fucking abide by their laws and if you break those laws by peddling your dope or stealing or yes, being involved in a terrorist fire fight that lasts 4 hours with US soldiers and then throwing a grenade and killing one of those soldiers, you face the fucking consequences. We do not allow people to come to our country and totally blow off our fucking laws. We do not allow women to get stoned in our streets for using a fucking cellphone, and so if those people who do live by that law come here and start to stone a woman, we take issue. If you break a law, YOU pay the fucking consequences... not everyone in the god damned country.

DATELINE: OHIO – Monks have taken a local No-Tell Motel, one opening and publicly used as a house of ill-repute, and have started to turn it into a religious retreat. Vibrating beds and holy water -- this could give the whole missionary position thing a new fucking spin.

DATELINE: OTTAWA -- The former head chaplain for the armed forces has been charged with several sex crimes, including buggery, a crime which no longer is part of the criminal code here, but because the offences date back to 1972, they used the litigation of the day for that. It’s yet another black eye for military echelon here, as well as for the catholic community. The truly sad part is that we are all just sitting back and shrugging and saying ‘yeah, again... so what?

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – Sex-pot Uber-comedian Stephen Colbert (yes, I will resort to flattery and whoring myself sometimes) will be in Vancouver today and tomorrow to film his show and take part in the Olympic Speed Skating events as a pseudo-dignitary. I hope there are no fucking security fences around him that might collapse. Perhaps he should be stationed right beside that fucking outside flame because that seems to be the only thing still secure (totally fucking impervious to anyone who is not a celeb) around the place.

DAILYNEWS - February 16th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 16th, 2010

DATELINE: MINNESOTA – A farmer, intent on giving his wife the perfect valentine, used manure to outline a giant heart in a snow-covered field. Apart from the obvious ‘how the hell is she gonna know if she doesn’t fly a fucking airplane’ issue, one has to wonder at the thought process that goes into offering a shit heart to your valentine. Even if she can’t see it, she will probably smell it. If Dash did that for me, he would want to hope that come the following year he had a whole lot of fucking roses planted in old Shit Heart Ridge on the back 40, cause otherwise he would be looking up at some fucking daisy roots by the end of the week.

DATELINE: ASIA – As the Year of the Tiger kicks in, people celebrated the luck and prosperity that sign enjoys. For starters... that’s a load of crap. Yours truly is a Tiger; apparently someone forgot the luck and prosperity here. However, if you are, in fact, a fucking Tiger, especially in Indonesia, your luck has run out. In that country, the government has decided it would be good to sell tigers to individuals as status symbols. These cats are already so fucking endangered that the WWF used this weekend to kick off a major campaign to try and help replenish numbers. Something tells me the Indonesian government didn’t get that fucking memo. Leave the damned cats alone and in the wild where the good Lord put them.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – As Canada celebrates its first gold medal won on home turf, complaints abound regarding several issues. According to Quebec Premier Charet, there was not enough French language used in the opening ceremonies. They could have done the whole fucking thing in French and he would still find something to complain about. Get a fucking life. In this end of the country, we have people who speak French, Chinese, Mandarin, German, Japanese, Korean, Punjabi, Hindi. I have no issue with the French preserving their culture, heritage and language, and in fact I celebrate it, but get fucking real.

DATELINE: QATAR – Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is concerned that Iran is becoming a Military Dictatorship. DUH!! Have you ever listened to that fucking Ahmadinejad? She’s worried he MIGHT be becoming a military dictator? Her plan... to talk to the Saudis to have them talk to the Chinese to have them support a tougher stand against Iran. I sort of remember a fucking grade-school game where we all had to pass a message along. The problem was that the message at the beginning was NEVER the same as the message the last guy in the line got, so there could be some fucking flaws in the logic of the Secretary of State. Of course, the main worry for everyone? Fucking oil. People! I tell ya, its getting to be horse and buggy time again!

DATELINE: ROME – The Pope has called all 24 of his Irish Bishops to Rome to discuss the thirty years of sexual abuse of children there, and the subsequent cover-ups. While his lips say the acts should be detested and deplored, one can’t help but wonder if his real message is ‘just don’t get fucking caught’ because the one thing this man excels at is hypocrisy.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – With the Olympic Games comes the protest games, which this weekend turned to riots on downtown Vancouver streets. While I am fully in support of the right of people to protest, especially when it comes to people in this country who are starving, homeless and dying while we focus tens of millions of dollars on obtaining a 4” gold medallion, the entire message is lost and the cause is only hurt once those protests become an excuse for vandalism and general hoodlum behaviour. Here’s a little hint for you – If they are wearing black masks that fully cover their face, they are not protesting. They are just stupid fucking criminals and should be locked up with the rest of the fucking riff raff. If we really want to solve the problem, get out the fucking tasers and then send the little bastardos across the line where there is at least a modicum of real fucking justice.

SUNDAY SERMON FROM DILLINGER FLAKEWAITER

I wish to be dead. It is a simple request that I have uttered to the creator, my higher power if you like. More a question of boredom I suppose, wondering about the next great adventure. If there is heaven or hell as one may believe then perhaps I should stave off my death with all imaginable power to summon. If however, as I believe, or hope at least, ah precious hope denies the reality of blackness perhaps, perchance to sleep, to abide in black peace with nothing, just nothing, that after this passage here there might indeed be a great new adventure: Less problematic in its structure, perhaps just nothing? You see, I go back to nothing, sweet nothing. I watched a child die; had I killed it or was I simply an instrument in that problematic station that I found myself. I watched a man die, held his guts in my hands, had it melt through my fingers, perhaps also an instrument in some devine plan that to this day I am unaware of?

I wish to be dead yet fear still sits with me, side by side before the warm fire of my destiny which as yet is fullfilled, or not? You do see the problem in the question, do you not, sweet children?

I have no desire to sermonize nor harmonize, for I have done both in exceeding well charm. I have still a small desire to sit by that warm fire of my destiny which as yet is fullfilled or not, to hold you, the entire ugly and beautiful creation of my higher power to me, close, protect. To ride with me the sweet trail of love, defying the pitched road of hatred. For this I have an honest wish, and I think once we can surpass the effluence of Britany's naked crotch we might indeed be able to succour one another and guide and hold us all together in that land of nod that I so hope extends itself more with love in the hoped-for next adventure. Yes, that is what we hope for.

Oh, the gall of the man that speaks for others. It is presumptious of me, is it not? Yet I hard think on the mounds of the apocolypse that we are indeed all the same, the very same. We are children of a higher power that plays with us as He will, as He is yet a child. I wonder the eons it takes for a God to grow, or are such higher powers born aged and wise? For it seems upon examining life and history that they may not be born aged and wise but that they learn in their time, which is eons and not understood by us, his lower whisps of light breath that He, the child, breathes upon us on the occasion of His pity.

Not quite a sunday sermon I guess; rather simple self-chiding, examination of an elderly man who has done much, has few regrets. The ones that I do I regret so deeply that death is often a viable alternative, yet... that excited fear of the unknown beckons as surely as the too-suckled child still lusts for its mother's tit.

I wish you all, my children, a fine and glorious Sunday and that with each second you grow to wish for the beauty of eternal, peaceful, deep deep black sleep.

Love, Pastor Dillinger of the Eternal Quest and Pietational Quickened Church of the Holy Sepulchre of Mamman

ALMOST DAILY NEWS -- February 13th, 2010

ALMOST DAILY NEWS – February 13th, 2010

DATELINE: FLORIDA – a 73-year-old man was arrested for robbing banks. He has robbed three banks, taking $600 only each time, just enough to cover his mortgage payment that he can’t make right now. He’s 73 years old. Where the hell is he supposed to get a job to pay a fucking mortgage. The bail was set at some huge fucking amount. Is there no justice anymore? The fucking bank managers should be the ones going to jail. The whole situation is a fucking crime, and Mr. 73-year-old fighting and doing what he can just to survive is a victim more than anyone else is.

DATELINE: ARKANSAS – A new PETA billboard has been put up to promote neutering of pets. It says “Doggies multiply faster than Duggars”. LMFAO. It would only have been funnier if they had a picture of fucking octo-mom on there.
DATELINE: HAITI – It has been one month. Many many millions of dollars have been raised and sent to help these people. Why the fuck are there still little ones dying and starving? Where is the fucking money gone?

DATELINE: TEXAS – It’s snowing there... LMFAO. Wait while I drum up some sympathy. Park your fucking cars, go out and make a damned snow angel. This is god’s way of telling you to chill, and also to tell you that no matter how big or important you think you are, Mother Nature always gets the last word.

DATELINE: LOS ANGELES -- Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are suing a British tabloid over rumors of their breakup. **think for a minute** Who gives a shit??

DATELINE: UP SHIT CREEK – Toyota announced ANOTHER recall, this time voluntary (yeah, I can’t imagine how many people will pass on the opportunity to get in this fucking line-up). 2010 Tacoma 4WD trucks have production defects in the front drive-shaft. There might still be hope for KIA yet to own the fucking market.

DATELINE: HALLMARK HEAVEN – Tomorrow is Valentines Day. Whoop-de-fucking-do. They call that ‘Fix the Bottom Line Day’ at Hallmark and every fucking floral shop in North America.

DAILY NEWS - February 11th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – February 11th, 2010


DATELINE: WASHINGTON – Snowmaggedon? Give me a fucking break. Spend a week in God damned Winnipeg and you will learn what real snow is!

DATELINE: NEWFOUNDLAND – There is a group of citizens lobbying the government to institute a Loose Moose hotline. I looooove me some loose moose. These ones, though, want to be able to call for a hunter to come and kill any moose near a highway as soon as one is seen. It’s because those goofy newfie mooses are crappy at playing chicken, and people are getting killed because of it. No worries, though, because once we are all back to the horse and buggy as soon as every fucking car has been recalled, you will have new worries about loose mooses.

DATELINE: BRAZIL – Following in the wonderful tradition of Toyota and Honda, Volkswagen has now issued a recall of 200,000 Novo Gols and Novo Voyage cars because their squeaky wheels didn’t get greased. The bearings have been shown to seize up, causing the wheels to lock or even fall off. If that ain’t a perfect fucking metaphor for the auto industry these days, I have no idea what is. Can’t help but wonder if there are mooses in Brazil.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – Over 70% of Americans polled have said that Palm Pilot Pen Palin is NOT qualified to be president. DUH! Polls for her are down in every regard. Apparently that hopey/changey thing ain’t working so fucking well for her either. It might not be such a problem for the rest of us if that Bushy/Wushy asshole hadn’t fucked up so much.

DATELINE: DUBAI – An ambassador from an undisclosed Arab country has had his marriage annulled... undisclosed might be the key fucking word. It seems that, at the end of the marriage ceremony, he lifted the veil to kiss his bride and was confronted with crossed-eyes and facial hair. I am not fucking making this up. Apparently the picture he was shown of what he selected to be his bride was actually her sister. So, what the fuck is the matter with crossed eyes and facial hair? They went through their whole courtship without him ever looking at her, so what is his fucking beef?

DATELINE: IRAN – Iran announced today that it created its first batch of 20% enriched uranium. Uranium enriched to that percentage is too high-grade to use for electricity generation, so what the heck else could he be planning to do with it??? The mind fucking boggles... a nice boy like that... such an honest face... and now other nations are starting to worry he just MIGHT be trying to create new weapons with it??? DUH!

DAILY NEWS - February 10th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 10th, 2010

DATELINE: WYOMING, MINNESOTA – “Miss Me Yet?” Is the caption on a billboard with George Bush’s mug plastered all over it. Missing him??? About as much as one would miss getting a fucking colonoscopy from the RotoRooter Guy! What can you expect from a town with such a crazy ass name!

DATELINE: SAN FRANCISCO – Google unveiled its new Social Networking medium. Imagine if Facebook, MSN and Twitter all hopped into the same bed... the result would be Google BUZZ. Quick... get signed up, because we need yet another fucking internet place to share with each other the color of our crap.

DATELINE: EDMONTON – The province announced a $4.7 Billion deficit in their budget. So much for all those years of paying into the Heritage Trust Fund, huh. Viva le oil sands and the chance to blame Ontario for fucking everything.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – Honda has now done the Toyota Two-Step and has added to their own recall of cars, expanding the 15-m,onth-old recall for faulty airbags. The world auto industry – paving the way to the horse and buggy. At least you don’t need snow tires for a Percheron, and come even come with kegs of beer.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – Aaaaahnold Schwarzenegger will be carrying the Olympic Torch. Who gives a shit?? Now that the American networks have their hands on the fucking Million Dollar Protocol Manual, the real fun will begin. Thank God at least we will be able to make sure of the correct way to tell someone their fucking fly is down.

DATELINE: TRENTON – The commander of Canadian Forces Base, Trenton, has been arrested. He is charged with killing two women, sexually assaulting two other women (in what he quaintly refers to as ‘lingerie break-in’s’) and now cold cases in every place the man has been posted are being reopened and reinvestigated. He admits to four dozen ‘lingerie break-ins’. I fucking love that term... it totally sexifies what otherwise would be referred to as ‘totally sick fucking bastard pervert behavior’. My prediction -- this military ‘shining star’, fast-tracked up the military chain of command because of his exemplary character, will be investigated for three years, will be found to be involved in a fucking boatload of crimes against women, and will get a fucking slap on the wrist and a two-year stay at CanPen Spa and Golf Club. This is exactly the type of prick who should have his prick removed... Throw him in a cell with Lorena Bobitz please. Then we might see some fucking justice.

DATELINE: OTTAWA – Former Public Works Minister Paradis (now Minister of some other fucking portfolio that doesn’t matter because Heir Harper calls ALL the shots) has stated that his Aide has been disciplined and is not longer allowed to review Access To Information Files. Whoop-de-fucking-do! This ass should be grass! Both the Aide AND the Minister should be out of there on their ears, but we know that Comrade Harper will never see that happen. These minions were doing his bidding... their overall goal to prevent Canadians from finding out what the fuck any one of our Parliamentarians are really doing. According to a Spokeswoman, the Aide in question was providing a cheaper option to the news agency requesting the information, despite the fact that the whole fucking $27.40 had been paid for the full report. Yes... $27.40 for the FULL report. For Fuck sake, they spent 7million more than that on labor costs and ink to cover up what was in the fucking report. And the spokeswoman actually was able to spew with crap with a straight face? I wonder what the Aide would think if he ordered a new fucking Mercedes, paid for it in full, then upon picking it up found out that the salesman had decided a used VW Rabbit was a better option for him. Mind you, that is what Comrade Harper seems to think is the best way to run everything for Canadians. God forbid we have truth in politics.

DAILY NEWS - February 9th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 9th, 2010

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – The Australia Olympic Team’s Boxing Kangaroo will be allowed to stay put in the Olympic Village. Finally someone from the IOC pulled his head out of his fucking ass and took an incredibly brief look at the real world.

DATELINE: DETROIT – Amidst waves of great fucking shock, Toyota announced today that it will be recalling all 2010 Prius’ AND several other hybrid models, along with the Lexus HS250h (what a stupid fucking name for a car! Why can’t there be a gazelle or a cheetah or something with some zing) and the Japanese-sold Sai. Their brakes all need tweeking, apparently, although perhaps someone might mention the value of not just slapping a dime-sized bandaid on this repair as well. The news is accompanied by waves of great fucking commercials stating that we should still have confidence in their cars. Their money probably would be better spent preparing for the fucking tsunami of class-action lawsuits coming their way.

DATELINE: HAITI – A Haitian police officer has now testified that several days prior to the New Life Refuge people being caught with 33 children in their bus that they were attempting to take out of the country, he had stopped the same group of people with 40 children, also heading for the border. He removed the children from the bus, then told the ‘missionaries’ to contact embassy officials to learn the proper procedures and get the appropriate documents if they are going to try to help children. The fact that they want to ‘help’ the children is therefore suspect now because they obviously knew what they were trying to do and didn’t give a flying fuck about procedures or probably even helping anyone but themselves. They claimed to have documentation from the Dominican Republic to take 100 children across the border. Hello? Ain’t that sort of like getting permission from the pawn broker to rob the fucking house down the street? For what it’s worth, which isn’t one hell of a lot, Dominican officials deny that any such documentation exists and have done so from the moment these group of ‘do-gooders’ was discovered. So, I have two fucking questions. How many OTHER children did these bags of douche take out of the country already? AND now, because of their asinine piety, how many children are going to die in Haiti because it is now so much harder to get any of them out of there for legitimate reasons, like necessary urgent health care? Reports are that, because of the fear of children being snatched and sold, those pilots flying the ones most in need to medical facilities are being bombarded with questions and demands for paperwork that in some cases just does not exist. So, New Life Refuge... thanks for fucking up a whole lot more lives in a place where they really did not need any more bullshit. Whether or not your intentions may have had a hint of merit, your fucking stupidity has caused unfathomable hardships for so many more. I wonder what ‘your god’ thinks about that... or are you exempt from that whole ‘road to hell is paved with stupid fucking selfish intentions’ crap.

DATELINE: OTTAWA -- It’s a new day and new fucking opportunity for Comrade Harper to once again trounce not only on the rights of the people who, for some totally unfathomable reason elected the SOB, but to once again do the ‘It’s okay when I do it, but not anyone else’ fucking dance. Former Public Works Minister Christian Paradis had an Aide, E-I-E-I-O. And this Aide, although not elected, decided what was in the best interest of the Canadian public, E-I-E-I-O. Yes, it's getting to be the same old song, and we are being treated like fucking children by this government, telling us what is good for us and what we need to know. So, despite the fact that a report had been cleared for release through the Access to Information Act and authorities, HE, this lowly, apparently incredible self-important and I would venture to say probably highly over-paid Aide, pulled the report, had it censored in the extreme, delayed the release of the report for 82 days beyond what is allowable under the Act, and then claimed he did it to save the news organization who had requested the report, a couple of dollars. The report, once 137 pages long, was pared down to 30 pages, because the other information in it really was of no value. Of no value, you say? It showed again the incompetency of this government to run the Public Works to manage their real estate effectively, showing vacancies that were higher than the national average and returns on investments that were weaker than the national average. It apparently also showed that perhaps there is a need for Mr. Gomrey to return to the fray to chair, quite admirably, another fucking government inquiry that goes absolutely nowhere, but has the undeniable ability to line a whole lot of fucking lawyer’s pockets. Comrade Harper, you screamed at the top of your voice of the fouls committed by the opposition. Apparently you took good notes though, so that NOW you can commit those same fouls, although you made sure you could do so without that pain in the ass thing called a Parliament riding shotgun on you at all. When it comes to fucking hypocrits in politics, you set the Canadian standard.

DAILY NEWS - February 8th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 8th, 2010

DATELINE: NASHVILLE – WHOOT!!! You know it’s gonna be a good day when... hang on... let me check the notes I have scratched on my hand here... when Sarah Palin... oops... wrong fucking hand... when Sarah Palin is addressing the fucking Tea Party.... shit! I must have written it on my fucking arm... just a minute while I pull off my jacket so I can read them... Tea Party Convention and totally fucking slams... shit, move my teleprompter a bit closer... slams Obama for being a ‘charismatic guy with a teleprompter’... oh... crap. Yes people, it was sooo fucking perfect to see her perform the ‘I will criticize the political opponent while I do the same fucking thing he is doing, just a hell of a lot more pathetically AND hypocritically’ dance. Then she carried on with her same set of fucking notes in her interview with Fox News. For starters, People... she was on fucking FOX news! She has a contract with them!! That should say a mouthful. She read the scribbles on her hands, because that is so much more classy and smart and fucking grass roots than using notecards... AND she had a teleprompter as well. You just gotta love this chick. THEN she went on to demand the burden of excessive spending be lifted off the backs of the people... all those wonderful pure grass-roots values, while charging $100,000 to address the fucking convention. I think those fucking grass roots she is so in love with come from the many fields of top-grade BC Bud.

Despite her press announcement that she was no longer going to run for political office, she tossed this get into the playing field -- that it would be ‘absurd’ for her to not consider running for leadership of the Republican Party. Sarah Palin talking absurd! Holy Crap!This would all be totally fucking fatally funny if it weren’t so pathetic. The scary part... she COULD get elected. People will sit and say it can never happen because people are smarter than to buy into that load of shit, but holy crap, George Bush got in for a second term. Please, when going in to hang your chad next time, remember the image of her looking for the right answer on her fucking hand. Imagine the question is ‘Should she push the red button that heralds nuclear annihilation’, imagine the answer is ‘it doesn’t fucking matter cause she just bumped the button with her elbow while trying to read the fucking notes she had written in her armpit. She is a dish served up on a mushroom cloud, people. Wait... I think I hear the fucking horse hooves approaching now. Damn, I hope she can see them from her window, because that would make me feel a whole lot better.

DATELINE: NEW BRUNSWICH – A paramedic has been banned from Tim Horton’s for life. His offence... he complained about the quality of the decaf coffee three times. It was interesting to note, though, that it was included in the court order that he be allowed onto the property in the event someone is choking on their fucking lunch order.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON DC – If deficit dollars were snowflakes, the Washington had it coming! But never fear – Bambi has a solution. The Olympic Games. Yes... work out a deal with asshole Harper, move the Olympics to where the snow is. The people there will totally believe that it will put billions of dollars into their coffers over the course of ten days, and at the end of it all, the world will be totally fucking perfect. Well, at least in Washington they could hold all the skiing events WITHOUT having to import snow, stacked on bales, stacked on millions of feet of pipe filled with dry ice to maybe sort of keep the snow from melting.

DATELINE: MIAMI – The Saints won their first Superbowl. While I love to see the underdog win, I am totally pissed that STILL the fucking CRTC prevents Canadians from seeing the damned Superbowl commercials because they are not Canadian content. Who gives a crap about Canadian content on a fucking commercial! Even on the US channels, the feed is blocked. While this has always been the case with the cable companies here, it is time for the people to fucking revolt. Of course, going to Comrade Harper about this crap probably won’t do anything but land you in the fucking gulag.

SUNDAY SERMON - February 7th, 2010

The Sunday Sermon

There is none. I was thinking though that if there was one it would have to be about celebration; that event when miracles happen, children cry, pigs fly and cows give blood. I was talking to the Papst Blue Ribbon Beer bottle on yester eve when it occured to me that this also was a miracle, for the Pabst-which also means Pope in Kraut-no longer exists. Yet, there I sat in my usual flumaxed attitude with a bottle of Pope Blue Ribbon that no longer existed. I only relate this to you, my many minions of hope, that it is possible in the day of Brittany crotch to have a real miracle. I bent to the cow, she gave blood. Pure, red yum yum blood. I finished my Pope Blue Ribbon thinking damn this is not finished-everytime I did, it refilled. I decided to call Horror Hunters, one of them reality spook catching shows that in reality never catch anything but the naivitoes of the non-nimble brained Brittany crowd. Probably folks like you sitting and reading this and thinking what the fuck, right?

So they come on over to the old farm to see, film, touch and taste this true miracle. One of them spoke to the other.

"Jesus Christ, get this on film. There is a ghost here. Look at him! He is the farmed beer ghost!" The other fat slob woman spoke to him. By the by, have you ever noticed that fat broads are all mystics? Now I love me a good fat broad, God only knows, but the ones on these reality shows are not only fat but greasy and dirty and pig like or so it seems.

"We got him, we got him. This is great! Can we cut the farts?"

"Look," I said. "Damn it, I did not fart. It was the Pope Blue Ribbon Beer ghost!"

"Don't be silly!" The fat broad explained to me that ghosts do not fart.

Anyway I am getting off the topic of celebration. The reality show crap was just for something to fill the space as ever and ever I do not have a lot to say. That Bimbo Bambi needs me to fill in for her on Sunday because she is out collecting specimens, or so she says. Beats the hell out of me. Anyway I celebrate the joy of you and life and think that we should all have a Pope Blue Ribbon Beer to celebrate. A fair wish for humanity I should think, don't you?

"Dillinger come in for dinner!"

"Alright Mom! Be right there just gotta finish first-aaahhhhhhh! Damn that was a good finish. Ta Ta you Blogyoualls.

Dillinger Flaikwaiter

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 6th, 2010 (Yes, Artsy Fartsy Fluff Crap Day)

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 6th, 2010

DATELINE: LOS ANGELES – Actor Charlie Sheen’s Mercedes was reported stolen and later found crashed at the bottom of a ravine with no one in or around it. Holy Crap! This is fucking news, worthy of dozens of stories on the internet? People, get a fucking life! I had a chainsaw stolen from my woodshed. Does anyone give a flying crap about that?

DATELINE: AUSTRALIA – A judge has ruled that the hit singing group Men Down Under ‘plagiarised’ in their 1983 song Down Under. A whole fucking nanosecond of a flute riff sounds sort of like the melody of Kookaburra Sits in the Old Gum Tree. The song has been around since 1983! For the love of all that is fucking holy! I was actually stupid enough to fucking sit and listen to the two clips about ten damned times to try and figure out what the hell they were talking about. My ruling? The fucking Koo-Koo Burra was sitting behind a Courtroom Bench.

DATELINE: MIAME – WHOOT!!! It’s Superbowl day. I am so fucking excited I can hardly contain myself. *insert rolling eyeballs here* It’s a fucking game... yes, one worth billions of dollars, probably enough to put one hell of a dent into the national deficit, or enough to help rebuild all of New Orleans, or enough to even make a difference in Haiti. Instead, though, let’s just sit and talk about the fucking commercials and who is making the money. Pretty soon, they will just interrupt the commercials with highlights of the fucking game.

DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD – Mel, Mel, Mel... As if calling a television interviewer an ‘asshole’ wasn’t enough for good old 'what-the-hell' Mel Gibson (please note the Sarah Palin lingo here), and then claiming he was talking to the publicist in the room with him, it has now come to light there was no publicist with him. In a second interview that aired earlier, Mel had taken the same totally fucking crazed stance and wacked-out cartoon wide-eyed confrontation expression when asked the very legitimate question of how he will be perceived and received in his new movie after his long hiatus. Mel, hon, you are an asshole... hate-filled, hypocritical asshole and NO, I do NOT ‘have a dog in this fight’. I just have no fucking use for badly-behaving hate-filled hypocritical assholes.

DATELINE: CONNECTICUT – A totally pissed Rip Torn was arrested after breaking into a bank that looked like a house. It was night, he was pissed, the bank looked like a house... all totally fucking understandable. When the police arrived, they found him wandering around with the ‘barn door open’ and a gun in his hand. When they arrested him, it is rumoured that Rip thought someone had broken into HIS house. Way to go, Rip. Gives new meaning to being ripped. Good thing everyone in Salisbury loves Rip. Anywhere else, anyone else, any other color... he would have been tazered and locked away for ten years. Nothing like that famous eccentric double fucking standard.

DATELINE: NORTH CAROLINA – A judge has ordered John Edwards former aide, Andrew Young, to turn over the sex tapes involving the Presidential wanna-be. Young, in his quest to reveal the true John Edwards as a conniving liar, will be found in contempt of court if he does not comply by Wednesday. You gotta love a guy like Young, who sees a sleaze-ball power hungry prick and decides that, being a sleaze-ball money hungry prick himself, he should make the public aware of the sins of the Senator. It is probably a tad too fucking late to take that moral high road.

DATELINE:NASHVILLE -- It's Sarah Palin's day to shine at the Tea Party Convention. Quick.. I think I need a fucking drink -- something WAY stronger than fucking tea -- if I am gonna have to listen to her momsy homsey chatty bullshit crap. Oh that it had been true that she was giving up her life on the fucking political stage. On the good side... time to set the TiVo to catch Saturday Night Live.

DAILY NEWS - February 5th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – February 5th, 2010

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – Go Australia!!!! WHOOOT!! The Australian Olympic Team has arrived in Vancouver, and they have hung their wonderful kangaroo flag from their balconies at the Olympic Village. The flag is the trademark symbol for the Australian team, and they have the blessing of the Australian Olympic Committee to use this flag. HOWEVER because of sponsorship issues (read this as ‘VANOC cannot make money from this flag’) the Aussies have been told to take it down. VANOC – GO TO HELL! Enough of your fucking fascist bullshit! I hope the Australians keep their flag up. I WANT a flag with that wonderful freedom-fighting Kangaroo on it. I hope every other country coming to the Olympics brings a flag of their own to fly. The greatest day in this province will be the one when the IOC finally gets their fucking pedantic dictatorial asses out of here. I just hope the Aussies know to be careful. If VANOC sends the RCMP in there to take it down, undoubtedly the tasers will be zapping like fucking popcorn kernels on a Delhi sidewalk.

DATELINE: JAPAN – The President of Toyota has apologized to owners of his product and reassured them that their vehicles are safe. This, as he is sitting there waiting for the next recall that SHOULD already be issued... for the faulty re-gen brakes on the new Pruis and also on the Lexus hybrid. I can already hear the fucking class-action lawsuit lawyers zipping around taser beams in the Vancouver Olympic Athletes Village.

DATELINE: IQALUIT – The G7 Finance Ministers and some prominent financial/banking experts will be meeting in the Canadian frozen north, away from distracters (protestors) to go dog-sledding and to discuss bank reform. The G7? Where the hell are the other G13? Apparently this is the meeting that none of them really give a shit about. It’s simple people... the financial institutions are fucking ripping off the people and lining their pockets – just like the fucking governments are doing to us. I can hardly wait to see what the fuck gems come from this erudite meeting.

DATELINE: OTTAWA – Prime Minister Harper told a sports magazine that he would rather be living out his real dream of playing in the NHL. Believe me, SO DO WE wish he was doing that instead of running our fucking country. Someone give that man a puck and send him out on the fucking road.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – Figures released today show that there were 20,000 jobs lost in the US last month. They also show that a total of 8.4 million jobs were lost to the ‘bump’ in the economy. Canadians however are rejoicing at the number of new jobs created, although the vast majority of those are part-time without benefits and so the number might look good, but for the working person, it totally fucking blows as well. It is about time the politicians stopped blowing rose-colored smoke up our asses and started doing what they were supposed to, and being fucking straight with us. Maybe if we had even a shred of respect and trust in our leaders we could muster some confidence to help the economy as it still tumbles into the crapper.

DATELINE: NASHVILLE – That wild and crazy collection of Mad Hatters have started their wonderful Tea Party... complete with the head Mad Hatter, Sarah Palin... face it, they really don’t come much madder than that. Talk about fucking wonderland. They sit and sing against big government and big spending, yet they are already fighting within their ranks about who should take the wheel and steer the ship, while they charge the ‘grass roots’ hundred of dollars each just for the privilege of sitting in the fucking room with them. It looks like a very merry unbirthday for this group of political rebels, as they slowly sink into pots of their own tea pee.